Jump to content
Saz

Feeling very anxious again (don't think it ever really stops)

Recommended Posts

Morning everyone and hope your all well. I'm feeling very anxious and on edge once again. I say again but I know I almost always feel like this. It's a combination of still not being able to shake the 'false memory' thing and just being a worrier in general. 

We went to a wedding at the weekend and I just couldn't relax. I was so tempted to write on here but managed to avoid doing so - until now. When it gets too much I need support. I'm still not over my main worry and Its suffocating me. I feel panicky.

My cousin is going through a terrible time with something awful that happened to her one night. She was on a date and basically she was poured a drink by someone and remembers nothing afer that, wakes up the next morning and just knows something has happened without her knowledge (this was confirmed by the police) and obviously now it's all going to court. That sentence about her 'just knowing' something had happened is how I have always felt but the only trouble is in my scenario I feel like I done something terrible. Every now and then I wondered if I was taken advantage of but that never lasts long and it always seems to come back to me and that horrible image.

What is the difference between me and my cousins situation?  As I write this I'm getting all worked up? Obviously I know hers is real and is terrible what happened but how do I know mine isn't real? I had that feeling too. x

 

Share this post


Link to post

your situation is completely different though isn't it Saz?

You don't 'know' anything - you have experienced 4 years of chronic doubt.  Doubt is the hallmark of OCD.  Your friend didn't experience any doubt, by your own admission.  

We have given you consistent, unwavering advice for the last four years - let it go, stop trying to work it out. But you continue to try and work it out, which is why you're still stuck. 

Share this post


Link to post

It seems like the situations were initially very similar but it's just she was able to get this confirmed early on. I didn't think of my scenario straight away (maybe a day or so later) but had that horrible anxious feeling that something wasn't right straight away.

I know you have all given me lots of advice and ill always appreciate it x

Share this post


Link to post
4 hours ago, Saz said:

It seems like the situations were initially very similar but it's just she was able to get this confirmed early on. I didn't think of my scenario straight away (maybe a day or so later) but had that horrible anxious feeling that something wasn't right straight away.

I know you have all given me lots of advice and ill always appreciate it x

As gingerbreadgirl girl says Saz, you are continuing to give meaning by compulsing. 

Obsessing + compulsing = disorder. Not rocket science, just a fact. 

PolarBear gingerbreadgirl Caramoole Ashley and I and other worthies know the damage caused by compulsing - this forum is constantly full of it. 

But every now and again someone comes on to say  they took suggestions here on board, stood up to their compulsions and it changed their life. 

It's why we worthies give up our time so freely, why this charity is so vital. 

Stop comparing circumstances - futile! 

Just do what you have been advised to. And when it is hard, stare it out without connecting - that is the secret to moving forward. Then refocus big time. 

I got dragged down by issues with my wife's family. I knew I was in the right - disconnected and got busy. Much better now :)

Edited by taurean

Share this post


Link to post

Thanks Roy. Glad your ok too.

I know I shouldn't compare. My worry is  that I think this is true and when it comes out I want people to know I knew something wasn't right and I have tried so hard to get to the bottom of it. I feel any evidence that I was spiked and it made me act inappropriately will be long gone and ill just look like some vile monster. 

Believe me I have tried. I don't post nearly half as much as I used to and I have been living with the anxiety and uncertainty but it's so debilitating sometimes. 

People say I'm a really good mum (I'd like to think I am) I always put my kids and family first but I'd like to feel good in myself too and be really happy x

 

Share this post


Link to post

I'm so sorry about what happened to your cousin. But you mustn't let this pull you back into OCD again, Saz. The thing is, there is a world of difference isn't there? You don't know anything. What you've had is 4 years of doubt and worry, and trying to work out if something happened or not. Your cousin hasn't expressed any doubt or worry, but rather she just knows that something happened. If you knew that something had happened in your case you wouldn't spend 4 years posting on an OCD forum trying to work out if something happened, you would have gone to the police in the first instance like your cousin has done.

How long will you carry on like this before you decide that enough is enough? As I said, it's been 4 years and you're no further to figuring it out than you were when you started. When are you going to accept that you can't ever know for certain, and you have to move on with your life now?

You don't even have to accept fully that you can't ever know just yet. The first step is to stop compulsions and not reacting to any intrusive thoughts. Then when you've got a handle on that you will be able to accept that you can't ever be certain and you will be able to let it go.

But first you need to stop doing compulsions, such as ruminating - like you have been doing in this thread.

4 years of compulsions that have got you nowhere, Saz. How long do you want this to go on for?

Edited by Lynz

Share this post


Link to post
6 hours ago, Saz said:

I know I shouldn't compare. My worry is  that I think this is true and when it comes out I want people to know I knew something wasn't right and I have tried so hard to get to the bottom of it. I feel any evidence that I was spiked and it made me act inappropriately will be long gone and ill just look like some vile monster. 

And that is why you are staying stuck Saz. 

Let it go, as the others have done with this theme, who have realised the futility of this rumination and looking for evidence.

If those others can realise this, stop listening to the doubts and gradually weaken the intrusions, then so can you. 

Remember, you have to do this - we can't do it for you. 

:group:

 

Share this post


Link to post

Thank you Roy and Lynz for your replies. The thing is Lynz I did think I should have gone to authorities...perhaps not straight away because at first I just felt anxious and that maybe I had just said something inappropriate/acted a bit daft but it quickly escalated and I has the most vile thoughts/images. I am mass panicking now :(  Instead i spoke to a couple of friends, my mum and gp and told them a bit about my worries....hard to go into detail given nature of thoughts. I knew I should have gone to police ? Really stressing now x

Share this post


Link to post

When will you be ready to try a different response Saz?  This one will never work you know :(

Sit down and write down all the things you do when this thought hits you.  How you react, what things follow, what behaviours you do.  Write it down here as a list

Share this post


Link to post

Hey polar and caramoole, thanks. 

I have to say that I got a little bit panicky regarding the whole police thing. Absolutely no fault of lynz's but when she said about I would have gone to them early on...well I really feel like I wanted to/should have. This has really confused me and caused a huge rise in my anxiety. Lynz I totally appreciate what you said and am in no at blaming you for anything you have written - it's all things I have thought of myself anyway. 

I'm just very concerned I've not done the right thing. This whole thing just gets worse and worse x

Share this post


Link to post
2 minutes ago, Saz said:

Hey polar and caramoole, thanks. 

I have to say that I got a little bit panicky regarding the whole police thing. Absolutely no fault of lynz's but when she said about I would have gone to them early on...well I really feel like I wanted to/should have. This has really confused me and caused a huge rise in my anxiety. Lynz I totally appreciate what you said and am in no at blaming you for anything you have written - it's all things I have thought of myself anyway. 

I'm just very concerned I've not done the right thing. This whole thing just gets worse and worse x

Remember Saz, we are like having antennae on our head - we sufferers actively seek out things to feed our fear. We have to dumb that down, stop doing it  

That's what happened, then your "vicious flower"  template kicked in, awfulising, and an anxiety circle of distress produced panic. 

We can stop that at source preferably, (but also at any time by "spoking"  the wheel that maintains the cycle).

Can you see that it's not what Lynz mentioned, it's your response to it that set up this cycle?

 

Share this post


Link to post
1 hour ago, taurean said:

Remember Saz, we are like having antennae on our head - we sufferers actively seek out things to feed our fear. We have to dumb that down, stop doing it  

That's what happened, then your "vicious flower"  template kicked in, awfulising, and an anxiety circle of distress produced panic. 

We can stop that at source preferably, (but also at any time by "spoking"  the wheel that maintains the cycle).

Can you see that it's not what Lynz mentioned, it's your response to it that set up this cycle?

 

Yes that's exactly what I meant, thanks Roy :)

It is your response to that event Saz which has started you on this path and got you to retroactively look at the past and try and work out what happened, what you "should have" done etc. - all of this is ruminating and has no basis in objective truth over what happened as it's all based on fear. You're only thinking now that you should have gone to the police because your OCD is making you think that.

Tell me, do you think your cousin will spend 4 years on an OCD forum posting about what happened to her and trying to work out what happened? I highly doubt she will because she doesn't have OCD, but you do - and this needs to be treated as OCD.

Share this post


Link to post

Thanks Lynz and Roy.  No my cousin won't do that because she got an answer to her worry straight away really. I only ended up on an ocd forum because...well I don't even remember how, googling, stressing, worrying, confused I guess.

Thanks for your continued help x

Share this post


Link to post
17 hours ago, Caramoole said:

When will you be ready to try a different response Saz?  This one will never work you know :(

Sit down and write down all the things you do when this thought hits you.  How you react, what things follow, what behaviours you do.  Write it down here as a list

Why not do this Saz? It is a great therapy tool. Caramoole will I'm sure guide you. 

Share this post


Link to post

I'm not avoiding on purpose. It's hard to explain the grip this has over me. I do try. I will write the list now of things I do when the thought hits me. Although can I just say I feel like I'm always in state of worry or anxiety regarding this - the feeling is pretty constant - so even when I'm not thinking about this actively I just have that sickly feeling. I have it when I wake up, when im shopping, when im on a night out, when im watching TV, when im having a nice family day out. But anyway when I get an extra surge of anxiety I guess I do the following:

(Sometimes but not always) think about the night in question.

sit and worry about how my life is a lie

imagine going to jail 

Imagine being separated from my children (this is the worst feeling)

Write on this forum 

worry that it will be true and you will all hate me and think I tricked you, then you will all think your false memory is true and admin will have to explain that never in the history has someone with ocd really commuted a crime and that I must be the exception but for you all not to worry as I'm just a horrible one off.

So basically a lot of awfulising, I see how it looks when I read it all. x

 

Share this post


Link to post

All of those are compulsions and doing them is keeping you stuck. They are all controllable and can be stopped, with hard work.

Overall you have no evidence that you did anything wrong but you assume you must have, therefore you think about the worst case scenario.  You could also assume you did nothing wrong. It's really a choice you are making. You need to choose differently.

Share this post


Link to post
38 minutes ago, Saz said:

I'm not avoiding on purpose. It's hard to explain the grip this has over me

Maybe "avoiding on purpose" isn't the right description.....but regardless of that, you are avoiding changing the response which means not carrying out the compulsions as an automatic, learned response which is what you're doing now.  It's not hard to explain the grip it has over you, you've explained....everyone understands exactly what a grip it has (and has experienced similar), that's what OCD does and how it feels.

45 minutes ago, Saz said:

(Sometimes but not always) think about the night in question.

sit and worry about how my life is a lie

imagine going to jail 

Imagine being separated from my children (this is the worst feeling)

Write on this forum 

worry that it will be true and you will all hate me and think I tricked you, then you will all think your false memory is true and admin will have to explain that never in the history has someone with ocd really commuted a crime and that I must be the exception but for you all not to worry as I'm just a horrible one off.

So basically a lot of awfulising, I see how it looks when I read it all. x

:yes: You are.  You are still, constantly trying to deal with this by carrying out compulsions.  It can't be done Saz, not now, not tomorrow, not ever :(  That is something that if you want to improve things you have to accept.  We keep going over this.....you keep using the compulsions (which is very common...not only you) but in the end, the only way is to change the way you do this.  You can stop rumination, you can stop laying this scenarion in your head.......you are driving it and the one engaging with it.  Okay it's not easy, you find that your brain slips into that habit.....but you have to flip it back, and keep flipping it back and refuse to get into those internal conversations.  

The thought/doubt comes first......it's what you're doing next that causes the problem....ruminating, trying to work it out.

1 hour ago, Saz said:

I feel like I'm always in state of worry or anxiety regarding this - the feeling is pretty constant - so even when I'm not thinking about this actively I just have that sickly feeling. I have it when I wake up, when im shopping, when im on a night out, when im watching TV, when im having a nice family day out

That's to be expected because you are in a permanent state of anxiety caused by the method you're trying to use.

It's time to change this once and for all Saz, surely it's worth a shot?

Share this post


Link to post

Hi caramoole. Sorry for the late reply. I've tried to take in all what you have said. I don't know what came first at the time. I think it was pure worry and anxiety rather than the thought/doubt first...

I've felt so bad today. I'm trying to deal with being pregnant and be happy and now this is going to try and ruin it for me again. I am so stuck ?

Share this post


Link to post

Hi Saz :)

You say you're feeling like you're stuck. What steps do you think you could do today to try and become "unstuck"?

Share this post


Link to post

Hi Lynz 

I don't see anyway out of this mess if I'm being honest. I can't even accept this is ocd false memory, so feel I have no chance x

Share this post


Link to post
5 minutes ago, Saz said:

I can't even accept this is ocd false memory, so feel I have no chance x

So, what plan do you have Saz , bearing in mind no certainty is available? 

We are used to that lack of certainty - and across the forums, on many themes, people bewail the fact that it feels real, it must be true etc.

Why we say to people that to get better they need to fully understand the way the disorder works is for exactly that reason. Understanding why we get the false,or exaggerated threat,  messages we do get is vital. 

So is stopping compulsing and giving meaning to the thoughts. 

Only when we don't feed the obsession will it start to ease away. 

Connect with it, compulse - give it meaning - it gets stronger. 

Leave it be, don't give it meaning, don't compulse - it will get weaker. 

This is what you need to do. That set of answers you gave to Caramoole of what you think after the intrusion shows how your "vicious flower" diagram reforms each time - and anxiety builds and builds. 

You need to look at that and apply what you know from here that will spoke that wheel, stop the connections - and the awfulising will drop down, as will the anxiety. 

Share this post


Link to post

We've been telling you for at least two and a half years what to do Saz. You simply won't do it. You fall back on the default position of doing compulsions and that keeps you stuck.

 

Share this post


Link to post

Saz, it's difficult to know where to go with this, so let's take it right back to a statement and questions/answers

You can't get better or improve by carrying out compulsions

1. Do you understand that?

2. Do you know/understand/accept that you try to deal with this by carrying out compulsions?

3. Are you prepared to try and change your response?

Share this post


Link to post

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...