Feeling very anxious again (don't think it ever really stops)

[Saz]

Hi caramoole. Do you mean it's difficult to know where to go with this because you don't know if I have false memory or not? x

[gingerbreadgirl]

9 minutes ago, Saz said:

Hi caramoole. Do you mean it's difficult to know where to go with this because you don't know if I have false memory or not? x

Saz - do you get that this is blatant reassurance seeking? Surely you understand this isn't what Caramoole meant.  

[Saz]

I genuinely wasn't sure gingerbread. My mistake  x 

[Saz]

I'll try and not post again as I think I wind people up...myself included lol. It is frustrating I know x

[gingerbreadgirl]

you're not winding anyone up, saz - why don't you answer Caramoole's questions?

[taurean]

55 minutes ago, Saz said:

I'll try and not post again as I think I wind people up...myself included lol. It is frustrating I know x

Don't do that when we are helping you to see things. 

Caramoole is just as keen as we are to set you onto the right path.But it needs responses back from you. 

[Caramoole]

2 hours ago, Saz said:

I'll try and not post again as I think I wind people up

That's not going to help you at all, is it?.  What I meant is that as yet, you're just not grasping this, so you need to go right back to basics.  Answering the three questions is a start.

"You can't get better or improve by carrying out compulsions"

1. Do you understand that?

2. Do you know/understand/accept that you try to deal with this by carrying out compulsions?

3. Are you prepared to try and change your response?

[Caramoole]

p.s.....No elaborations, no explanation about "your" circumstances, just three simple answers

[Caramoole]

Saz, you're not answering me   It's important to go right back to these questions, they're building blocks that you have to get in place to start re-laying the foundations on firm ground

[Lynz]

OK, I understand completely that it's incredibly distressing and upsetting when you're in the grips of OCD, but deliberately ignoring someone who is trying to give you advice is just rude IMO, and OCD isn't an excusable reason. We don't have to take the time out of our day to answer people's replies and try and help people, especially if we're just going to get ignored.

[PolarBear]

Lynz, did you ever think she's busy or doesn't know how to respond? We're here to help people, not lash out at them.

 

[Lynz]

PB, I don't mean ignoring the latest posts, I mean repeatedly ignoring Caramoole's questions and responding to different posts instead, which shows that the posts were read but not responded to.

I don't mean to "lash out", I just think deliberately ignoring someone who is trying to help is rude, that is all.

[Binxy]

Hi Saz (and All),

I know I've said this before, but I've been where you are.  I've had some very low points in the last 2+ years but I'm doing much better now.  There is no magic cure- you just have to stop looking for an answer and live with the fact that you will never know for sure.  The disorder will just keep dragging you back in otherwise.  I only really think about my worries from the past on bad days now- and even then I'm getting used to realising that I'm being dragged back in and that I need to be mindful that this is what is happening and carry on with my day.  

I've worried that I have done some truly horrible things in the past- I have no evidence but I've created a load of images that feel like evidence by running over the situation in my mind and trying to remember.  This has to stop- you will never find an answer and you have to get comfortable with not knowing.  It's very difficult but you have to take a "so what?" approach and live in the present.  Whilst you're making this hell for yourself your family is growing up around you and you are probably missing this because you're stuck in your own torment.  It sounds crazy to say "so what?" to the terrible things that I worry I have done in the past- how can I be so heartless?  Well,  I'm not,  I have just learned to try and draw a line under the past- whatever good or bad has happened, it's happened and I can't fix it.  All I can do is try live in the now and to be a good person.  Sooner or later, if I have done these things then they will catch up with me- until that does (or doesn't!) happen all I can do is focus on being a good boyfriend, friend, godfather, uncle etc.  I'm learning to live that way.  I've accepted that I have OCD.

Sorry, I fear that I'm starting to ramble.  You need to get this under control Saz- I'm amazed that you've coped so long with this; you're clearly an incredibly strong character.

Start getting comfortable with not knowing Saz- accept this, and leave it be.  Accept that you have OCD and label these worries as an OCD trick- then move on with your life.

Hope this helps and isn't too rambling- I should thank all of my old pals on here- Taurean, Caramoole, GingerBreadGirl, PolarBear and no doubt one or two others.  I was very lost two years ago.  I'm not fixed yet, maybe I will never be, but I am learning to cope with the disorder.

Binx

 

 

[Lynz]

Maybe I was a little harsh in my last post, and for that I apologise. I guess the frustration got the better of me 

Great post, Binx 

[taurean]

1 minute ago, Lynz said:

Maybe I was a little harsh in my last post, and for that I apologise. I guess the frustration got the better of me 

 Great post, Binx 

Well done for saying that Lynz. 

We need to encourage people who are in a fragile place to come round to a better way of thinking - especially with false memory theme which is a tricky one. 

Binxy, 

[Caramoole]

I can understand Saz not answering the questions (yet).  Questions like that can have us running scared and feeling uncomfortable, our OCD thinking isn't used to thinking that way and doesn't" want to, it's wanting to go down that well-trodden path that it always does.

BUT.......it is important for Saz to strip it right back and start with these questions......no padding, no explanations, no "yes but's"......just facing the questions.

Over the years I've seen thousands of threads where someone posts in a panic, in desperation......they can be given advice and have suggestions given about changing their approach and they flee, not returning to the thread.......until they start a similar one days or weeks later, and so it goes on.  Why? Because it's not what they want to hear.....they want comfort, they want reassurance, they don't want to be told to face something that scares them, that is difficult.......and that's normal, we've all done that.  However, a different way has to be faced one day because comfort won't get them well nor will approaching things in the same way.

Sometimes it is important, vital that we point out things that are keeping people stuck, things they may not realise themselves.  I know Roy has admitted this himself about times when I've pointed things out that I believed we re holding him back.  None of this is about criticism of the person, it's about experience, about being able to stand back as one who isn't experiencing the fear.

I hope Saz will come back, or at least think hard about those questions herself because this is where she has to start and it is NOT easy......but neither is existing like she is. No-one wants to see her here in another 4 years still struggling in the same way.

[taurean]

22 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

 I know Roy has admitted this himself about times when I've pointed things out that I believed we re holding him back.  None of this is about criticism of the person, it's about experience, about being able to stand back as one who isn't experiencing the fear.

Absolutely so - others do see what we can't or won't, but need to. I was wrong, and held my hand up, and listened. 

[Saz]

 I was just about to come on here and say sorry for my late reply. ...which if you read my other posts I quite often do say! I was at the Dr's yesterday and have been off work sick with being pregnant and generally feeling lousy. In no way have I meant to ignore caramoole questions. I think yesterday as the day went on I was feeling really tired and drained and thought I would reply today when im in a better frame of mind. If you don't mind caramoole I will reply properly a little later on as just going to do the school run. 

I'd like to think most people on here know me enough by now to know I wouldn't deliberately ignore anyone and am the last person in the world who would want to upset anyone!!

[Caramoole]

39 minutes ago, Saz said:

If you don't mind caramoole I will reply properly a little later on as just going to do the school run. 

Not at all Saz........and for the record, I'm not upset at all....I'm just pushing you a little.

and bear in mind, you don't need a lot of time to answer the questions, other than to think carefully about how they relate to you.  The questions are straight-forward and the answers don't need much explanation

[Saz]

I would just like to say that having read over most of this thread, not once have I ignored caramoole. Yes I may not have specifically answered those questions but I have always replied to her. Also it was only a matter of hours, after caramooles questions lynz, before you jumped in calling me rude, I think thats pretty unfair. As I have already explained (shouldn't really have to explain myslef) I was pretty unwell yesterday. I do appreciate the apology though and I'm not wanting any bad feeling but feel like I needed to put my side across. 

On Tuesday, September 06, 2016 at 15:45, Caramoole said:

 

 

On Tuesday, September 06, 2016 at 15:45, Caramoole said:

That's not going to help you at all, is it?.  What I meant is that as yet, you're just not grasping this, so you need to go right back to basics.  Answering the three questions is a start.

"You can't get better or improve by carrying out compulsions"

1. Do you understand that?

2. Do you know/understand/accept that you try to deal with this by carrying out compulsions?

3. Are you prepared to try and change your response?

I understand all of the above and will try to change my response caramoole. I appreciate your help.

Binx I'm glad your feeling better now, I know you have really been through it. I admit the part were you say 'until it catches up with you' makes me feel very anxious (obviously putting myself in that position, I dont mean you) and it's very scary to me but I get what your saying.

Everyone else thank you too, as always I'm very grateful x

[Lynz]

Please ignore my post, Saz. I was having a bad day yesterday and many things just got on top of me all at once. I misread the thread and made an erroneous assumption that you'd repeatedly ignored Caramoole's questions, and I do apologise for that.

[Caramoole]

3 hours ago, Saz said:

I understand all of the above and will try to change my response caramoole

Oye.......Hold your horses, you don't get away that easily Saz, not on my watch!

You've just carefully avoided those questions and skirted nicely around them to wander off and carry on with the same problems you struggle with on a daily basis.  You can't run forever.....well you can, but you'll struggle forever if you do.

It's important to know the answers to those questions for yourself and truly understand them as facts.

1. You cannot  get better by using compulsions (i.e trying to work it out, think about it, find certainty, ruminate) Fact.  You cannot have the answers you crave

2. Do you understand that?  I'm not sure you do but it's an area you really have to give some serious.....very serious thought to

3. Again, I'm not sure you're prepared to because you're afraid and still trying to seek out that certainty.

It can't be done Saz.  You have to get to that place somehow or accept this life of constant anxiety.  It's an awful truth but it is the truth.

At the moment you may feel that you try......and I'm 100% certain you believe you're trying, and are trying very hard......but in the wrong way.  Your effort is going into "enduring" the situation rather than changing it.  It takes immense effort, it involves a lot of anxiety, pain and energy.....you can endure but you will never cure.

1 + 2.  You have to accept that compulsions will not work and also accept that you currently use compulsions as an attempt to resolve the problem.  3. You have to make a concrete decision to change how you deal with this (painful as that may be) and make those changes.

If you accept the points raised in 1, 2 and 3 you then have to formulate a plan as to how you're going to change your response when those fears hit you.  You do have a choice in this......hard as it is.  You can choose to deal with it as you have so far or you can choose a different plan of action.  Are you ready to work on that?

We're here to help you work out a plan, work through it and offer support when it's tough (which it will be) But firstly, you have to accept that the way you deal with it right now doesn't and can't work.  You have to accept that there isn't a solution that is easy or advice that will make this stop.  You have to make the decision that enough is enough.....I have to deal with things differently.  You have a young family and a new baby on the way......you all deserve a more contented, angst-free life that can be enjoyed.  

This can only happen when you accept that you need to draw a very firm line and change the way you deal with this....even then, it will push every button and then some but it's worth it.

You can't have the answers or certainty you crave Saz, it's a futile goal.  It's harmful.  Be brave and give up on it.  Pare it back, start with the basics and get better. Stop running, face it out and steadily, steadily take back power.

Caramoole

[Saz]

Sorry caramoole, I was just trying to give you s straight forward answer - an answer that obviously I believe -  in but it might have seemed like I hadn't took on board what you said properly. Your right in that I probably don't quite understand what I need to do (I struggle to underdtand the disorder) but I KNOW I need to do it regardless. I also understand that I spend way too much time trying to understand it all, lol hope that makes sense. I just need to take that leap of faith and really commit like you say - it just has to be done and I need to be firm! X

lynz - no worries at all. X

[Guest mentallyill]

Hey Saz there's this book called "brain lock" by jeffrey schwartz. This isn't a link to the book but there's a free summary of the steps. It's tough for any self-help online resources to make a difference long-term for some reason, but he goes through each of them.

 http://www.ocduk.org/four-steps

[Saz]

Thank you mentallyill. I think I have this boom already, thanks for thinking of me tho ? x