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Feeling very anxious again (don't think it ever really stops)


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Saz.....You need to get back in here and be discussing this :)

How are you doing identifying the specific thoughts and the things you do (compulsions) immediately after them?

Don't just drift along dealing with this in the same way as you have in the past.  It needs a new plan of attack, a pro-active one

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I'm doing rubbish caramoole if I'm being honest. I'm not sure what is going on with me at the moment. This horrible feeling is ingrained in me. I feel quite down, not sure if I have a touch of pre-natal depression. I don't know what making me feel worse though  - that and all the hormones - or if the whole memory thing is intensifying it all. 

I'm aware when im having a thought and I'm trying hard to work past it without giving it any attention. But when the thoughts aren't there I just feel horrible anyway.

I'm so sorry this isn't what you want to hear from me. I don't know what to do. For example today on the way to work, during work, when I went to the bathroom, on my dinner and on my drive home from work I was non stop bombarded with thoughts. Not all of them specifically about my false memory but still not nice. Some of them were: My partner doesn'twant to be with me, he will leave me, it's my fault...no wait it's his fault for how he treats me, I'm a horrible person anyway so I deserve all I get,  my partner hasn't text me back..What if he's done something stupid to himself because of me, I'm going to be arrested one day soon and so on.  This is too exhausting for me, I'm too stuck and no matter what you think I have been trying. To make matters worse when I was speaking g to a trusted colleague about my partner she said I should always go with my gut instinct because it will always be right like hers was about every situation pretty much - even though people told her otherwise  - her instinct proved to be right. 

What an absolute mess x

 

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Saz take a few deep breaths and ease your muscles gradually. It's a panic attack caused by the anxiety spiral. 

You have a lot going on at the moment. Caramoole will tune in later and run through the issues with you - but just hang on in there, we are here for you. 

Intrusive thoughts are unpleasant, I know only too well - help will be at hand - Caramoole is doing great helping you, and best we don't disturb that. 

 

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Thank you Roy.  It's so overwhelming. I'm sick of it, absolutely sick of it. It's ruining my life, it consumes all of me. What did I ever do to deserve this if it's only a false memory. I'm literally sobbing. I know we all go through it, I know I'm no different to anyone else, I know I'm not special but I don't believe in myslef that it's just a horrible thought and it's slowly dragging me down. I'm worried about everything, I hate writing on here because it's public. I can't snap out of this feeling x

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I'm sorry to hear you're having a tough time lately, Saz. I second Roy's advice of trying to relax and calm yourself. Take care of yourself this evening - run a nice bath and listen to some relaxation music, have a cup of tea and put your feet up. 

I'm sure Caramoole will be on shortly to help talk you through things.

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Sure I understand but we can help though. 

It's much easier to be  open on the OCD thread in the member's area which is not public so when you are more calm you might consider joining - it's £24 per annum but the help you can get on a private forum makes it worth tons more than that. Plus lots of other OCD-UK benefits.

I think your key friends here are members and active there too - me PB Caramoole Lynz GB Binxy when she's being active, those that know the story and react appropriately. 

I don’t have your main theme but I certainly understand it ; we are both worriers and personalisers (I loathe that part)  but what I do know is with our disorder it is a very cunning but despicable foe - even though it's  not an entity. 

 

 

Edited by taurean
clarification
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Hi Saz :)

I'm a bit restricted at the moment 'cos I'm in the car, can't quote easily on the tablet and the battery is running out :crybaby:

Just looking quickly at your post though, at first glance most of what you describe sounds like anxiety and rumination rather than intrusive thoughts as such.  The constant thinking and worry thoughts going through your head, the catastrophising.  It is probably heightened by your hormones for sure.  But I still feel that you get through each day simply by putting up with, enduring the thoughts, by trying to get through the day, doing your job, looking after the family and trying to ignore it.  Ignoring it alone won't work Saz :(  You have to understand how your fear, your thought-process is helping the problem to persist and to do that (I know I keep coming back to it) you have to work out what you're making mistakes with.

The sort of thoughts you're having is your own mind worrying and thinking them.  Constant anxiety is exhausting and it's easy for a tired mind to get dragged into this cycle of thinking.

Have you got pen and paper out?  Have you made any notes of thoughts and behaviours?  I bet you haven't :wontlisten: Why do I think that?  Because I've done it a thousand times myself.....hoping, nay believing, that reading about it, on the forum, in a book is enough.  That understanding the theory is enough. :no: It isn't.  Just as reading about a diet won't get us slim.

Get mad Saz.....get determined this has taken enough from you.  Your way isn't working.  You have nothing to lose by doing it a different way....in fact you and that little family of yours have everything to gain.  Now come on......think about it.  Relax tonight and then come back fighting tomorrow with a new strategy :boxing:  Just remember, just like anything else, it will take time :hug:

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There you go Saz - you can't keep a good helper down - passenger in the car, low battery but still on here helping people. 

I managed to ram a bit of charge into my mobile - my cleaning app has a brilliant charging boost . I am back up to 43% :)

Remember you are dealing with anxieties plus a disorder that is clever- and you can't overcome it the way you are - you do need this specific help and Caramoole is top of the class at this. Keep giving that situation that the thoughts drag you back to belief keeps it strong doesn't it? 

And as she says, the family need you, and this place can help you. 

And the privacy option is available to you. If you went for just one session of private therapy you would pay considerably more than our annual membership fee. 

 

 

Edited by taurean
clarification
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Thank you for all your kind of words and support. I was not in a good way last night. I feel pretty much the same tonight...maybe just slightly better...

Caramoole I'm worried my false memory is real and that's what's caused the anxiety and ruminating and got me into this whole mess and led me to worry over every little thing and why it's lasted so long and won't go.

I haven't written a list but I probably should. It's hard, so hard when you have little faith in yourself.  

See when everyone is telling me how they are here for me and keep helping me, well in a weird way I feel even worse because I feel like I don't deserve it. 

I know you are frustrated with me and wondering why I keep posting. Sometimes I don't even know why. I think it boils down to me being very frightened. x

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15 minutes ago, Saz said:

Caramoole I'm worried my false memory is real and that's what's caused the anxiety and ruminating and got me into this whole mess and led me to worry over every little thing and why it's lasted so long and won't go.

The worry that your false memory is real is the core belief that is setting up the distressing emotional reaction (because the act is presumably totally at odds with your real true character).

You know this is what holds you back Saz - but your way of tackling it got you nowhere, you do need to unpick with us the elements so we can show you what you need to do 

You could, if you had it, pay £1,000 for a course of top notch private therapy, but you would still have to bare your soul and get help in understanding the thinking patterns wrong responses - and how to look to change them - there is no therapy that can work without it. 

Caramoole (and a little help from me and others)  give our time to helping others free - and the charity funds the software house and Internet charges. 

You can get more privacy by joining the private forums through clicking the shop tab. 

It's a brilliant offer. I almost bit my hand off to get that extra help. 

28 minutes ago, Saz said:

See when everyone is telling me how they are here for me and keep helping me, well in a weird way I feel even worse because I feel like I don't deserve it. 

I know you are frustrated with me and wondering why I keep posting. Sometimes I don't even know why. I think it boils down to me being very frightened. x

Sure your frightened.Me frustrated?  No, disappointed for you maybe, would love you to have that £1,000 and get really on track one to one with someone. Or work through a Workbook with a real not Internet friend. 

But here boy have we built up knowledge from our own experiences. 

 

 

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Saz, I thought you were going to take a leap of faith and attribute this all to OCD. You can't just do that for a day or two. You are in this for the long haul. 

The simple reason this has stuck around for so long is because of vompulsions. You've spent four years doing compulsions. It's going to take a lot longer than a few days or a few weeks to get past this.

 

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4 hours ago, Saz said:

Caramoole I'm worried my false memory is real and that's what's caused the anxiety and ruminating

Saz....we're not going to get into this "false memory" discussion.  We've done that enough times for you to know the cause and no amount of telling is going to change that.  We've also discussed the ruminating following the thought and that this is the cause of it continuing for you and causing you such distress.

 

4 hours ago, Saz said:

I haven't written a list but I probably should

Too right you should :wontlisten:  Do you want to carry on feeling this way?  It may seem a silly question but it's one you have to face up to.  You won't get better until you make changes.    It's like having a big sign up in the zoo saying "Don't put your hand in the lions cage it will bite you" and you put your hand in and say "The lion bit me"....the keeper says "Read the sign Mrs, that lion bites, don't put your hand in the cage".  So the next day you feed the lion and shout "Hey Mr, that lion bit my hand again"

You keep doing the same things, the same rumination, the same game plan and that lion will keep biting till it's up to your shoulder! :lion:

Sure you worry your false memory is real, people worry they're going to kill their family if they don't clean enough, or they might/might have molest(ed) their child, that they might kill their Husband, that they might have run over a cat....the list is infinite.  Yours is the same and you're going to have to come to terms with that and make some determined and serious changes if you want things to change.

There is no magic Saz.....only hard work.  You might think no-one here likes me, everyone's getting cross :no:  Nope, but here is unique because it isn't like telling a partner or parent who has no real inkling of how it feels.  You are talking to people who each and every one of them does know how it feels but who also know what's got to be done to fight back.

Are you going to try another way or are you going to stick with the endurance route because it's a very long, very rough road :(

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I know polarbear and I'm trying. This has not been a good few days. I am off work today because I have been just too exhausted with everything. Today is the exact day 4 years ago when I attended that wedding when this whole nightare  began. I didn't realise till just beofre. I'm feeling down as you can imagine. My anxiety and mood beofre that day was pretty good, life was good and my worries were much less. I feel hopeless. I don't think I should post on here because I can't do this and I'm wasting a lot of people's time and I feel even more guilty for that. It's up to me to change my attitude and ways and I'm sorry but if this is just ocd it's way too overpowering. I can't take that leap of faith, Im sorry. I'll continue to be the best mum I can be and thats all I can do. It's all gone too far. I can't do a leap of faith when it's so serious. x

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So you'd rather stay stuck in a quagmire of negative thoughts, high anxiety and hopelessness.

There is no way out for you Saz if you continue on as before. You've spent four years of your life doing compulsions and they have gotten you exactly nowhere. Keep it up and nowhere is where you will remain.

You are stuck in a dark tunnel. We are at the exit, shining a light, showing you the only way out. It's up to you to walk toward the light. 

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4 hours ago, Saz said:

It's up to me to change my attitude and ways and I'm sorry but if this is just ocd it's way too overpowering. I can't take that leap of faith, Im sorry. I'll continue to be the best mum I can be and thats all I can do. It's all gone too far. I can't do a leap of faith when it's so serious. x

Saz, it's only "serious" because your OCD has labelled it as serious - this is a classic cognitive distortion that occurs in OCD where it applies more meaning and significance to things that don't warrant it. You will discover that OCD has been lying to you all this time and that it's not serious at all, but you have to test it out. You have to take that leap of faith.

Remember in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, when Harrison Ford has to take that leap of faith and seemingly fall into the canyon? That is what it is like for us. The idea of taking that leap of faith is so terrifying that we just don't want to do it, but once we do we will discover like Indiana Jones did that there really is an invisible bridge there to save us and we will then see things clearly for what they are, but we can't do that until we take that leap.

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I think Lynz's analogy is great - we know that was brilliant CGI but in actuality of watching it was real - really real - because there was no way of telling the difference between realistic and manufactured. 

Just like OCD false memories.

For me, with the mindset you are in - your brain can't be wrong, but we might be  - it wouldn't matter what the false memory scenario was - you would still go with your brain.

Ok, I don't have false memory OCD theme, my main theme - also repulsive - is harm and violence . And just like your false memory, my main theme suggests things totally contrary to my true character. It turns my core character trait on its head. Feel familiar?

As we have all said, carrying on as you have been will get you absolutely nowhere. 

There is only one way that we are aware of of getting to move on from this - the bridge across the chasm is waiting for you to take the first step. Then steps 2, 3, 4, 5 and keep it up till the intrusions lose heart and begin to fade. Doesn't happen in two or 3 days - and meanwhile the disorder will hit you hard as it feels threatened - but it's quite do-able , and we don't have to be einsteins to make it work, we just need to believe in our friends and the collective experience of many.

Edited by taurean
clarity
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6 hours ago, Saz said:

I'll continue to be the best mum I can be and thats all I can do

Just bear in mind Saz that you are "choosing" this option of not dealing with this.  It isn't all you can do, it's that you won't alter your approach.  I don't mean that horribly but (for the moment at least) you're not prepared to make any changes.  It seems very sad that you'll settle for that.  I'm sure you're a brilliant Mum but just imagine what it would feel like to be a happy Mum who could begin to enjoy every day.

I think you would be wise to see your GP and consider asking for some CBT, it will probably be more helpful than self-help.  You don't have to disclose the exact nature of your "thought", you can be vague but perhaps as trust builds you may feel more comfortable about disclosing what's troubling you.

6 hours ago, Saz said:

I'm wasting a lot of people's time and I feel even more guilty of that

That isn't really the issue, people will only respond if they want to anyway.  The real problem is that there's not a great deal new to add until you start to make some changes, applying the advice.  It certainly doesn't help you to keep going over the same content......you talking about the false memory and how dreadful it makes you feel then others giving you the reasons why this and why that.  It almost begins to collude with your OCD.

I would urge you to give your next step a lot of thought.  Do you want to exist like this (because it isn't going to disappear) or would you like to feel better?  As others have said, this isn't going to change in a couple of days, it will take months of constant and gradual change but steadily you would see gains.

It is your thoughts and your reactions to them that is keeping you stuck.  Yes, it's horrible, it's awful but changing the reaction gradually changes the outcome.

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3 minutes ago, Lynz said:

Thanks PB. I was just watching the film last night and it struck me how perfect that scene is as an analogy for our first steps towards recovery from OCD.

It is a wonderful film and that part works well ( the location they used for the entrance to that sequence is the Treasury building carved out of stone in the rose red city of the navotians, Petra, in Jordan). 

The analogy is perfect and you have given us something we can use to help on other threads Lynz. 

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2 hours ago, taurean said:

It is a wonderful film and that part works well ( the location they used for the entrance to that sequence is the Treasury building carved out of stone in the rose red city of the navotians, Petra, in Jordan). 

The analogy is perfect and you have given us something we can use to help on other threads Lynz. 

Thanks, Roy :)

I love the film too. I know that scene is supposed to have a religious connotation, but I think it can also be applied to any situation where you have to quite literally take a "leap of faith".

Have you seen that film, Saz? If not I'd definitely recommend it. Watching it will also be a good way to unwind and relax.

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1 minute ago, Lynz said:

Thanks, Roy :)

I love the film too.

Have you seen that film, Saz? If not I'd definitely recommend it. Watching it will also be a good way to unwind and relax.

"I know that scene is supposed to have a religious connotation, but I think it can also be applied to any situation where you have to quite literally take a "leap of faith".

In case Saz or others reading it haven't seen it, Indy and his Dad are reaching the high point of the film - the location of the holy grail. 

But they are faced with an impossible chasm over which they have to pass to reach the opening in the cliff face directly opposite to them. 

This suggests a bridge link, but they can't see one. 

But Indy the more practical one (though Sean Connery gives a brilliant performance as his Dad)  realises it is a test of faith. The bridge IS there, it's just invisible to their eyes. 

So Indy takes a step, and the bridge shimmers into view - a quite brilliant cinematic moment and now, I suspect, taking its bow in OCD therapy! 

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Morning everyone 

sorry not replied sooner. I was trying to distance myself from it all as it's all getting too much but I feel ignorant and bad for not replying to you as you have helped me so much. Woke up this morning after having a nightmare about it ?

Just wanted you to know I appreciate it all but I'm still not great. Lynz I think I have seen that film but it was years ago.

Caramoole I've had cbt it didn't help unfortunately x

Edited by Saz
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