Feeling very anxious again (don't think it ever really stops)

[Caramoole]

It is tough going Saz and you do have retrain your reaction, you've probably done it the other way millions of times.  It's all those horrendous "What If" thoughts that add flesh to the bones of the initial doubt/thought/fear.  You literally petrify yourself with fearful ruminations.

Really try hard to identify the "wrong" responses, the compulsions.....it's only by doing so that you can begin to correct them.  This is why having a pen & paper and jotting them down (at first) can help.  Look at it like a game of I-Spy.

Well done for trying Saz....my worry is that you'll make the common mistake of putting up with it and getting on with it rather than actively changing the approach.  Change is necessary to achieve a better outcome.

I'm currently reading the new download/book "Pulling The Trigger"....it's a book you might find useful

[Saz]

I understand completely what your saying about just putting up with it and getting on. I am also scared of this and am trying to make an effort to stop this happening. It will be hard to change that negative connection when I get triggered because it's like a natural reaction now...I have to be ready to catch it out before it catches me out x

[gingerbreadgirl]

keep going, saz.  you'll get there.  It is difficult and hard but it is so worth it - one day you will realise this false memory doesn't bother you anymore and all this work will have been worth it.  we're all rooting for you xxx

[Saz]

Thanks gbg. I really hope so x

[gingerbreadgirl]

it will, you just have to stick with it for the long haul x

[taurean]

Let me just endorse Caramoole 's methodology here Saz - it is spot on. It is a necessary part of therapy - please use that, notes are fine it's what we all need to do to spot our flaws and shift our thinking.

Remember none of us need apply a stigma to a common mental problem - OCD - whatever its manifestation, and we owe it to ourselves to work the treatment properly. 

 

Edited October 25, 2016 by taurean
clarification

[Binxy]

Nothing to add to the advice you've just been given by Caramoole, Saz.  Stay on the path- you'll get there. x

[Saz]

Xxx

[Saz]

Hiya

Hope I don't sound daft asking this, but when I get a thought to do with my false memory, or a thought that is brought on by the anxiety related to my false memory, what do I do?  What exactly is it I need to do regarding changing my actual behaviour when these thoughts arise? So normally I might let these thoughts play on my mind for a good while, maybe I'll ruminate a little, or maybe I don't let them and ill try to crack on with my day.  What exactly do I need to be doing? X

[Saz]

Morning. I know everyones quite busy and the forum has lots of new posts but if anyone could answer my last  question I'd realy appreciate it. (Sorry if i sound cheeky)Thank you x

[Lynz]

Hi Saz,

When you get a thought you need to try your best not to engage with it and just get on with your day. Allow it to be there but don't interact with it at all. That includes any kind of reaction, so if you get a thought and you get anxious because it's not gone away yet (I've done this a lot), then that is still reacting to the thought and giving it attention.

What I do is I acknowledge it but don't react to it and don't give it any meaning, so I will say something in my head like "oh look there's another silly OCD thought" - this manages to detach any meaning placed on it or that I might place on it, and from then on I just carry on with what I was doing or just get on with my day.

You might have moments where you'll be bombarded with more thoughts if you ignore the initial ones, this is because your OCD is like "PAY ATTENTION TO ME!" but you just have to ignore those too.

[Caramoole]

18 hours ago, Saz said:

So normally I might let these thoughts play on my mind for a good while, maybe I'll ruminate a little, or maybe I don't let them and ill try to crack on with my day.  

I think firstly you have to be really aware of how you currently react, what you do, what compulsions are going on.  Above you mention "maybe you'll ruminate a little" and in the same sentence say "you let the thoughts play on your mind for a good while".  Which is it?  Letting the thoughts play on your mind "is" rumination.

So what happens on a normal day, currently?  Does the thought generally  flash out of nowhere like an intrusion or do you sort of instigate the process of thinking to try and solve the doubts by going over it?  Do you find that it's almost become a habitual thing that you do, that it's the norm to run this script in your mind every day?

What else do you do?  Do you make internal statements to yourself (and these could be many things) like "I would never hurt my children", "I would kill myself rather than be a danger", "I know I'm a good person",......I'm just giving examples here........but have a think, watch those thoughts carefully and see if you can spot any thoughts that you use to neutralise the doubts/fears.  Do you do any physical compulsions?

It's easy for us to say "Don't engage with the thought and get on with your day" (which in essence is correct) but the danger is that unless you identify, unless you know the negative things you're doing, you fall into the trap of simply enduring the situation and trying to storm through it whilst continuing with unidentified compulsions.....which is what you've done thus far.

So it's down to the homework, get that scrap of paper and a pen nearby and make some notes of what's going on in your head.  What you're doing, what statements you make to yourself.  You might be surprised to see what sort of terrorist you're living with!!  It's not enough to just understand "generally" and then just carry on....you have to work out what you're doing, how your thoughts and behaviours are now driving the problem.

Sorry I missed this yesterday

[Saz]

1 hour ago, Caramoole said:

I think firstly you have to be really aware of how you currently react, what you do, what compulsions are going on.  Above you mention "maybe you'll ruminate a little" and in the same sentence say "you let the thoughts play on your mind for a good while".  Which is it?  Letting the thoughts play on your mind "is" rumination.

So what happens on a normal day, currently?  Does the thought generally  flash out of nowhere like an intrusion or do you sort of instigate the process of thinking to try and solve the doubts by going over it?  Do you find that it's almost become a habitual thing that you do, that it's the norm to run this script in your mind every day?

What else do you do?  Do you make internal statements to yourself (and these could be many things) like "I would never hurt my children", "I would kill myself rather than be a danger", "I know I'm a good person",......I'm just giving examples here........but have a think, watch those thoughts carefully and see if you can spot any thoughts that you use to neutralise the doubts/fears.  Do you do any physical compulsions?

It's easy for us to say "Don't engage with the thought and get on with your day" (which in essence is correct) but the danger is that unless you identify, unless you know the negative things you're doing, you fall into the trap of simply enduring the situation and trying to storm through it whilst continuing with unidentified compulsions.....which is what you've done thus far.

So it's down to the homework, get that scrap of paper and a pen nearby and make some notes of what's going on in your head.  What you're doing, what statements you make to yourself.  You might be surprised to see what sort of terrorist you're living with!!  It's not enough to just understand "generally" and then just carry on....you have to work out what you're doing, how your thoughts and behaviours are now driving the problem.

Sorry I missed this yesterday

Thanks caramoole. I will try to answer your questions.

In answer to your first question, I put both because I do both. Some days ill let the thought play on my mind more and other days ill just ruminate a little bit but then carry on with my day as best I can.

on a normal day I'd say mainly the thought comes in the form of a flash or intrusion. In the beginning days i was actively thinking of the thought on purpose. To be honest I am unsure how this thought/memory even came about, i don't know if it was a flash or I was trying to work out why I was anxious and I made myslef think of it...I think I was anxious initially regardless. What I would say is that I don't actively rUn the script in my head, I don't try to work it out hardly, it's more so I'm just left with a constant feeling of anxiety and guilt that's related to it all. It's almost like I've done irreparable damage to myslef by thinking this way and being in distress for so long. It's always lurking in the background. 

I do make some internal statements, not all of the time. Examples...'I know I'm a good person but what if im really a fraud?' Or 'everyone will hate me and' 'My children won't cope without me' 'If this memory is true then without a doubt I must have been spiked or something similar' 'My partners family will split the children up' I can feel me getting upset writing these things down.

physical compulsions would be very, very, very occasionally when I see the person concerned, asking them outright if they remember me from the wedding ( to which they kind of don't or maybe only vaguely or they do but they don't seem concerned  - but this isn't enough for me because I assume they just can't remember properly or are scared but will remember in years to come). I have unfortunately cousins who experienced terrible things that really did happen for sure when they were little but they continued to be 'normal' around a certain person for some time. Maybe I have personalised this to my 'false memory' I can't be sure though.

I guess writing on here when im riddled with anxiety is another physical  compulsion, I'm trying not to do that as much. Also texting when I haven't heard back from my friend who's wedding it was, if I've text her and had no reply for a couple days ill panic internally. She is related to person in my false memory. 

Sorry I've written all this on here and you told me to write it on paper...Well at least you can see what I'm dealing with. And please no apologies for late reply, there are so many others that need your help.x

Lynz thank you always. I have taken on board what you have said x

 

 

[Caramoole]

The first thing you have to do Saz is accept that this is OCD.....or at the very least, treat it like OCD (even in the absence of the proof you crave)  You'll be tested with thoughts that you're a bad person, you're trying to cover things up, you're guilty....etc etc etc.  This too is OCD, they are intrusions.

When that first intrusive thought flashes in, you have to be prepared for it, ready to recognise it as an intrusive thought.  Don't let it catch you out a hundred times a day, you know it's going to happen.  The next layer tends to be a physical reaction it might be a hot flash, a tightening in your stomach, racing heart, anything.  This is a normal bodily response to fear but we add more meaning to it.  We might think "Oh no, not again....please make it stop, I can't stand feeling like this" (that's trying to push the thought away, to control it).  Treat the physical reaction the same way, you know what it is, recognise it and don't add to it.

Quote

 I don't try to work it out hardly, it's more so I'm just left with a constant feeling of anxiety and guilt that's related to it all 

Really??? Back to my first comment, you have to accept this as OCD.  You've seen enough written explanations to know the extent and range that OCD sufferers can experience, your example being just one of them.  If you then go on to have full blown anxiety and daily experience of it, it's because you are attributing a meaning to it.  You're accepting the thought as real.  You're attributing meaning.  You are reacting.  It alone is a thought, it is only the reaction/actions that you respond with that creates the fear. A thought is just that, a thought....it's only when we attribute a meaning that it becomes powerful and frightening.  You will be doing things that are compulsions (pushing thoughts away, self-loathing, self-reassurance, reassurance seeking in different guises etc)  You'll not identify them in a quick think through, you need to be watching what you do over a period of time

Quote

physical compulsions would be very, very, very occasionally when I see the person concerned, asking them outright if they remember me from the wedding ( to which they kind of don't or maybe only vaguely or they do but they don't seem concerned

 

2 hours ago, Saz said:

Also texting when I haven't heard back from my friend who's wedding it was, if I've text her and had no reply for a couple days ill panic internally.

These are things you should try and stop immediately.  Be prepared for a kick-back but sit with it

So the first step is to recognise and accept that this thought will happen, continue to look for what comes next....what thoughts behaviours follow in an attempt to resolve it.  Work at stopping yourself being pulled into any rumination/working it out cycle......and get bust with what you should be doing (whatever it is)

Make that a starting point and remember.....there's no quick remedy but you can start to improve the way you deal with the thought.

[Saz]

Morning caramoole.

I recognise a lot of what you say because I do it. Although I might not realise it I definately do it. I attribute meaning to it and I have internal debates with myself sometimes. So all that behaviour is keeping it alive.

I know you didn't comment about what I said about my cousins...is that coz it would be reassurance? That bit does frighten me and like I say I feel that situation could apply to my 'false memory' Either that or I have just personalised it to my situation for no reason other than I was aware of it. X

 

[Caramoole]

I didn't mention your Cousin's because yes, it is another "Ah, but......" scenario, a doubt that you want reassurance about.  In this World there are millions of examples about all sorts of things that happen.....people sadly get murdered, it doesn't mean that every OCD sufferer who has harming fears is going to commit one.  Your situation is the same and this thing with your Cousin's is your OCD trying to fight it's case.  Don't get into the debate with it

[Saz]

Thanks caramoole. Feel dreadful today. As if dealing with all this isnt bad enough, I have a side issue going on to do with my partner. I'm utterly confused in our relationship because of the way he is with me. It was only a few months back he wanted to leave and I feel like I pleaded with him to stay.  I've no confidence at all and feel sick to the stomach over it all. The thing is I don't know if I'm being irrational about it all because of possible ocd or whether or not I have genuine cause for concern. I feel in my heart he's only staying for the kids. I'm 34 not 84 Iwant to be seen as more than just a mum, I want to be made to feel nice as an individual. There is a lack of affection. Tried talking to him a billion times but no joy. Sorry I've gone a bit off topic. Why is everything so hard. I know I have so much to be grateful for but my mind won't give me peace.x

[Caramoole]

40 minutes ago, Saz said:

I'm 34 not 84 Iwant to be seen as more than just a mum, I want to be made to feel nice as an individual. There is a lack of affection. Tried talking to him a billion times but no joy

Oh Dear   I think this is something you'd find Mums/Wives shouting the World over......some of it's often true and unfortunately, relationships often level out and day to day living becomes mundanity, routine and yep, boring. Our OCD brains can also tend to get into the rumination trap and go over and over real worries in a similar way.  Try to perhaps put it aside (if it's not a dire situation) for now, treat it like the OCD and try not to ruminate....you can look at the situation when you're feeling on more of an even keel.

[Saz]

Thanks for replying to that post caramoole. That's my trouble I feel like I do overthink real situations too (that doesn't help me with regards to my false memory as I obviously feel like I am obsessing over a real event) but anyway I'm not looking for you to reassure me here.

It's a very difficult situation because I know me feeling upset with all of this false memory business isnt making me as happy as I should be but I can't stress enough how I always put a brave face on it and hardly if ever let it show through. I've learnt to hide it all very well .. I guess that's why I post a lot on here. However having to beg your partner to stay is so humiliating I can't describe it. He says it was his choice to stay in the end and I need to move on but I can't,  I think if he showed me he cared more then I would be much happier and think ok yeah he is making a real effort. The reason he was going is because I questioned his treatment of me, he admitted he didn't like how he was so then out of the blue decided he wanted to go when it was his fault we were in that situation. It just hurts. I feel so down and confused about everything ?

Just want a break from feeling like this. 

[Caramoole]

41 minutes ago, Saz said:

He says it was his choice to stay in the end and I need to move on but I can't,  I think if he showed me he cared more then I would be much happier and think ok yeah he is making a real effort

No such thing as can't as they say.  Perhaps you do need to try and move on for now.  It won't help the situation (or him) to constantly put things under a microscope or for him to feel pressured into behaving in a particular way.  I'm not saying that perhaps he couldn't do more but sometimes you have to take the pressure off the situation, let some time pass and gradually start to rebuild.  Work on the rumination about it a bit like with your OCD.

[Saz]

Ok, I'll try. x

[Saz]

I feel like I'm cheating on my partner with all this stuff going on in my mind. I am so upset about everything. I'm crying again. Ive just put my little girl to bed and she's lay fast asleep and I have tears rolling down my face. It's all so hard at the minute x

[Caramoole]

You're ruminating Saz, that's why you're feeling dreadful.  Rumination is difficult, it almost seems automatic but it isn't, quite.  Keep bringing your mind back to the moment and stop that internal conversation.  Remember, you're re-training your brain to do things differently and it will take time and repeated effort.

Now wipe your eyes, blow your nose and stop the tears.....it will only give you headache and make you look rotten

[Caramoole]

In fact.....I took your first post at face value but it is very possible and more than likely that this is an OCD issue as well.  As I said earlier, most long-term relationships have these sort of issues and it can start off as a genuine niggle but quickly become obsessive.  Try and treat this in just the same way as OCD.

[Saz]

Thank you so much caramoole. I'd be lost without you (and everyone else). Your right about the crying thing, you can always tell when Ive been crying, my face goes all puffy and not nice lol.

I'm not entirely sure it's all ocd, perhaps it's a bit of both. I know I worry and obsess but I also know for a fact I have had genuine reason to get worried (i won't bore you with all the reasons)

It's been a very tough day. Dealing with the false memory for 4 years and now this  (which has been ongoing for some time). 

x