Feeling very anxious again (don't think it ever really stops)

[Franklin12]

Saz what you need to recognise is that you can't have certainty that your fear isn't true, and then get started on treatment, because then you wouldn't need treatment. 

Your fear is that you have done something bad, and you say you want to know that you haven't done that bad thing, in order to start treatment.

This is the same as, say, your fear being that you knocked someone over on the road, but refusing to stop ruminating about whether it was possible until you know you didn't knock anyone's over.

Or refusing to stop checking if the front door is locked until a locksmith has come in and confirmed the lock is on.

Or refusing to stop reciting a special phrase that protects harm coming to your family until you are sure your family are ok.

This is not how treatment works. You can not have certainty that whatever you fear is not going to happen and then start not worrying about that thing. Because then there's no point. Do you see that you can't wait to 'know' this is a false memory, and THEN stop ruminating about it?

[Caramoole]

2 hours ago, Saz said:

Thanks Caramoole. 

I understand that the ruminating and trying to work things out is the ocd part but it's the actual thought that's the problem for me

But that's the problem Saz.  You don't understand OCD at all.  Despite the hundreds of pages of replies about this, no matter which way it's explained you are just not accepting this, hence you're not making any progress. You are still viewing your situation as unique and it isn't.  Until you accept that "the actual thought" is OCD you will remain well and truly stuck, the remedy lies in your hands.  It is down to you to accept this even though you remain uncertain.

Tell me why you won't accept the advice & explanations, bearing in mind that you won't feel certainty, you won't feel convinced, you will doubt etc etc.  

And you would be wise to stop reading other threads for now, it's not helping you, it's just another compulsion of you hoping to find the glimmer of hope or the piece of the jigsaw that will make this click into place.  That jigsaw piece is right there in your hand and in the advice that's been given.

[gingerbreadgirl]

2 hours ago, Saz said:

it's the actual thought that's the problem for me

Again you are convinced you are different to other OCD sufferers.  You think the level of doubt you experience somehow sets you apart, but it doesn't.

Until you accept this there is little point in this thread repeating the same things over and over. 

[Caramoole]

13 minutes ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

Until you accept this there is little point in this thread repeating the same things over and over. 

I agree.  The next step has to come from you, all the information is there, you now have to apply it.

[Saz]

I don't mind if you want to close this thread Caramoole. 

Thanks all for your replies x

Edited November 7, 2016 by Saz

[taurean]

1 hour ago, Caramoole said:

Tell me why you won't accept the advice & explanations, bearing in mind that you won't feel certainty, you won't feel convinced, you will doubt etc etc.  

I think this is so so important for you Saz. 

You really aren't going to find anything here reading other threads - before Caramoole mentioned it I was going to. 

Stick with what you have been told to do - and remember you have been advised to start off treating it as OCD even though it comes against your ethical belief ; because we have told you many times that it turns our core values on their heads like that. 

Before you move away from the thread, do make some simple notes - you can easily password protect them. Then you have the plan that your friends have given to you to work on. All you need to do then is ask for any necessary help as you work that plan - and you won't need to go over it all over again on another thread, hopefully just get some tweaking. 

Edited November 7, 2016 by taurean
typo

[Caramoole]

1 hour ago, Caramoole said:

Tell me why you won't accept the advice & explanations, bearing in mind that you won't feel certainty, you won't feel convinced, you will doubt etc etc.

Before you disappear Saz, as Roy has supported, it's quite important to you to answer that question.

It is very sad to think that you'll just slope away again, attempt to deal with this by putting up with it and come back in due course still feeling the same, still searching for the magic formula that doesn't exist.

You have a young family and a new baby on the way, you all deserve better than this and it could be better.

[Saz]

I was actually reading that particular thread as it caught my eye and I thought I could reply as I could relate a little - to let the sufferer know they weren't alone. I haven't replied to anyone else's post in a good while (which I feel a bit guilty about). Anyway it just got me a bit confused. 

1 minute ago, Caramoole said:

Before you disappear Saz, as Roy has supported, it's quite important to you to answer that question.

It is very sad to think that you'll just slope away again, attempt to deal with this by putting up with it and come back in due course still feeling the same, still searching for the magic formula that doesn't exist.

You have a younf family and a new baby on the way, you all deserve better than this and it could be better.

It's not that I won't accept it...and the only explanation I have as to why I can't accept it is because of the sheer doubt - and I'm not allowed to say that.

I just thought you might want to close the thread because I am being repetitive  (not intenially) and it's frustrating for everyone. I fully understand if you want to and I'll try my best to not start a new one x

[taurean]

If you would only make some notes you won't need to go round this merry-go-round every time you get spooked - you can simply remind your self what to do and get back on the horse.

You need to keep to mind that vicious circle of distress , and how you have been told to tackle the intrusions and doubts  by Caramoole. Her succinct guidance has summed up what you need in just small measure. 

There isn't actually much to it - it won't take you long, and you can protect it in the phone and on a pad or laptop - but I just get the impression that you won't do this, then get confused, and off starts the cycle again.

It   isn't asking much, surely,  that you make some brief notes to get you  on the right track, now is it, in return for the enormous effort people have made to help and guide you?  

Edited November 7, 2016 by taurean
clarification

[Caramoole]

19 minutes ago, Saz said:

the only explanation I have as to why I can't accept it is because of the sheer doubt - and I'm not allowed to say that

How do you mean you're not allowed to say that? You are but yep, it will be challenged. YOU also have to challenge that thinking rather than just accepting it.

We have told you there will be absolute doubt.  That you will feel like a cheat and a liar. That it will still feel real but that you treat it as suggested, as OCD despite this utter doubt.  So having been told that, why don't you accept the advice despite the doubt.  You CANNOT have the certainty.

If you carry on dealing with it like this, what do you achieve?  The past won't change, even if you had done this supposed dreadful deed (and take a breath and don't panic....I'm just giving an example), the future won't improve.  So what's to be gained by using a method that won't work?

[PolarBear]

Stay away from that thread if it's going to sidetrack you.

[lostinme]

Bless you saz, it's sounds like you're finding it really difficult to get started. Firstly i would say to do baby steps first, do the one that causes you the least anxiety and then you will need to do that once a day. Eventually your anxiety will come down and each time you do it, it will get easier and the anxiety won't last as long. Once you feel comfortable with this one move onto your next one and work up from the easiest to the hardest. This won't happen over night it will take time and practice and you will have blip days along the way. Try and look at it differently you've got nothing to loose and perhaps a lot to gain. Remember just sticking with the OCD it will only get worse, but starting cbt you can only get better. Be strong and try your best, you can do this your stronger than you think. 

[Caramoole]

12 minutes ago, lostinme said:

Firstly i would say to do baby steps first, do the one that causes you the least anxiety and then you will need to do that once a day.

Unfortunately, Saz first has to accept that the fear that she's carried out a dreadful deed is in fact OCD.  Setting out a heirarchy (especially for this type of OCD) without really taking that on board would be difficult.  This is why she just carries on and endures the anxiety without moving forward

[lostinme]

52 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

Unfortunately, Saz first has to accept that the fear that she's carried out a dreadful deed is in fact OCD.  Setting out a heirarchy (especially for this type of OCD) without really taking that on board would be difficult.  This is why she just carries on and endures the anxiety without moving forward

Yes i agree she does need to accept it's OCD. I'm extremely sorry caramoole, i sincerely apologise i thought the treatment was the same process for all forms of OCD. I was trying to be helpful and supportive to saz, because i can see she is finding this so difficult. 

 

[Caramoole]

1 minute ago, lostinme said:

 I'm extremely sorry caramoole, i sincerely apologise i thought the treatment was the same process for all forms of OCD.

No need to be sorry or apolgise at all   It's just difficult in this instance until Saz is prepared to treat this as OCD, even if she doesn't feel it.  I'm sure Saz is grateful for your support and it's always helpful to look at things from as many angles as one can

[lostinme]

1 hour ago, Caramoole said:

No need to be sorry or apolgise at all   It's just difficult in this instance until Saz is prepared to treat this as OCD, even if she doesn't feel it.  I'm sure Saz is grateful for your support and it's always helpful to look at things from as many angles as one can

Thankyou caramoole for your kind words. The last thing I wanted to do was to offer unhelpful advice? i just felt for her and wanted to offer help and support.

[Saz]

Hi lostinme 

You haven't offered me unhelpful advice, please don't think that. I'm a bit of a lost cause at the moment and struggling. Hope one day this leaves me alone. Hope your ok x

[gingerbreadgirl]

5 minutes ago, Saz said:

Hope one day this leaves me alone.

you should know by now that's not how it works  

[lostinme]

9 minutes ago, Saz said:

Hi lostinme 

You haven't offered me unhelpful advice, please don't think that. I'm a bit of a lost cause at the moment and struggling. Hope one day this leaves me alone. Hope your ok x

Thankyou Saz that's the last thing I wanted to do, i could just see you was struggling and i wanted to help you if i could. You are not a lost cause, you are just struggling and finding it difficult, don't be so hard on yourself. You need to try and be strong and try not to ruminate, that will make you feel worse. Hopefully you will feel better soon.

[gingerbreadgirl]

How's it going Saz? x

[Saz]

Hi gingerbreadgirl 

How are you?

I'm ok thanks. Not great but not bad. Been quite distracted with getting organised for Xmas and working of course. I don't know whether I'm doing the right or wrong thing when I don't post on here ? x

[gingerbreadgirl]

I think you should post on here (if you want to, that is) - just be careful about your reasons why.  Are you posting looking for comfort /reassurance that it is OCD? Or are you posting telling us about how you're attacking your OCD, what methods you are using, what compulsions you have identified, what progress you have made, and so on? Posting is good - going away and enduring the anxiety, as Caramoole puts it, is not.  But just be mindful and really honest with yourself about why you're posting xx

[taurean]

That's right. 

If you have made some simple notes to understand what you need to do, and why, then you won't be forgetting and having to ask us over again. Have you made those notes yet Saz? 

You can report in with progress or glitches and get the appropriate response. 

If you come on looking at other threads for certainty you will certainly fail because other topics will set you back on the wrong trail - going backwards. So I would simply focus on family job and your own therapy.

You won't miss anything - we give the same story to everyone. 

Edited November 16, 2016 by taurean
typo

[Saz]

Hiya gbg and Roy.  Hope your both ok.

Being totally honest, most of the time, yes I do come on here to seek comfort. When I feel completely lost and upset I reach for you guys because I don't know wjat else to do. However I have been avoiding this and it's crippling me. I wanted to post every day for the past week or so, it's been really intense and unbearable from the weekend onwards but I didn't post and tried to work through it,  so I can only assume that's a good thing - although it doesn't exactly feel like it. X

[Caramoole]

.......But apart from resisting the forums, what other things are you actively doing to address things as opposed to just putting up with things?  Have you made lists of potential compulsions, of self-talk, avoidance behaviours etc?  Did you ever download the book I suggested, if not, why not?  What's your plan of attack?