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Feeling very anxious again (don't think it ever really stops)


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Yes I do have a new book out called False Memory OCD: What it is and how to recover from it.

Now I'll tell you, Saz, that it is like a primer on this form of OCD. And I will gladly admit that it's value to you would pale in comparison to the excellent advice you are getting here on the forum. Buy it if you wish but it's more a synopsis of the advice I give out here. It can't stand up to having quality, one on one advice like you are getting here. 

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Really Saz I doubt there is any more anyone can tell you on the subject. 

Reading more of other's issues would I think just get you on the wrong track again - which is what has always happened when you've gone on other's threads on the theme. 

You just need to make those notes of what you need to do, and get practising it. 

The book Caramoole suggests would I think help you as it takes the reader through therapy with therapist and sufferer - you need to be doing what you have been advised to do, and this can help you. 

Lauren Callaghan and a colleague put together her practice - which is currently my therapy practice - to help sufferers in London to get quality private therapy. I have spoken to her, she knows her stuff and knows Ashley well. She introduced me to my therapist who works in the practice. 

Remember, OCD works similarly whatever the theme - and you have a real need to apply what you have learned and stop the compulsing. 

So it will also be helpful with the magical thinking OCD you have - there is no connection between that news story and your daughters - only OCD suggested one and that got you going. 

I think Lauren's book is a good option. 

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Hi Roy.  Yes I feel like I can identify now that I made a connection when there was no connection to be made. I got myself all worked up regarding that particular news story. Its probably down to being very sensitive aswell, taking on other people's feelings as if they were my own. That's something else I need to figure out how to stop. 

As I mentioned to caramoole, polarbears false memory book is a new one he's written to try and help/give advice and not his own personal account. Perhaps it's a book I'll read when ever I get better or a bit stronger. I'll try look to order the other one that's been mentioned x

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Firstly, my apologies to Polar Bear, I didn't realise he'd written another book :(

I still feel for the moment you need to be looking at a broader spectrum than the "False Memory" alone and I think the other book would be a good option at the moment as it looks at OCD, GAD, panic etc.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Morning. Hope everyone is well.

I struggle quite badly when I don't write on here. I've wanted to and resisted everyday. I am aware it's an unhealthy compulsion but the anxiety doesn't die down after time really. I know I'm supposed to sit with the anxiety and get distracted and it should fade...but it doesn't and if anything it gets worse.

I have lately had an overwhelming feeling to 'confess' my worries about all of this to my friend, I say confess but I mean just tell her all how I'm feeling and what's troubling me. I feel so stuck on my own with it all. To be honest I felt like walking into a police station the other day i was that distressed with the realness of it. 

I had a little night out last night and honestly I just didnt want to be there. 

The worst thing is this lingering guilt feeling that just consumes me and never leaves, I try but I feel his has all gone too far. X

 

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5 hours ago, Saz said:

I'm supposed to sit with the anxiety and get distracted and it should fade...but it doesn't and if anything it gets worse.

Exactly how quickly are you expecting this to happen, Saz? You've been doing all the wrong things for several years now - it's not going to suddenly evaporate after a few days or even weeks.  I would also be very, very honest with yourself and look for little, subtle compulsions you are doing, even if just trying to push the anxiety away, neutralising thoughts, thinking 'this is awful I wish it would go away', etc. 

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I don't know but I can't improve when I feel worse, feel like I'm stuck! You don't understand how much I try to get distracted, I don't even need to try to get distracted to be honest as my life is so hectic with the kids and work etc, so why won't this feeling go away? I wonder if some intense therapy would work? Or help a good deal at least. Caramoole mentioned about seeing if there were any decent therapists round where I live..don't know if I should pursue that...just having a really hard time and nothing I do or anything anyone tells me is helping. I am not purposely resisting advice, I dont know why this is happening if it's just false memory. I know how frustrating this is for everyone on this forum. I'm going to end up ill if something isn't done soon. I don't think I can do this on my own now. X

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You could start by stopping saying, "...if this is false memory." It is OCD. You've been told it's OCD a thousand times. There is zero evidence that it is anything else. Only your thoughts stand in the way. So take a stand. Decide that this is OCD and say it. Say it to yourself every day. Regardless the thoughts showing up, put one foot in front of the other believing that this is OCD. If you start telling yourself it is, you'll eventually start believing it is. And maybe, just maybe, all the advice you've received up till now will start to sink in and click.

No more 'if'.

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What homework have you done Saz?  Have you compiled that list of behaviours & compulsions that you do when an intrusions strikes. Have you made a log of the intrusive thoughts? Have you devised a plan to approach these things differently? Did you buy and read the book? What have you done differently?

I suspect you probably haven't but have carried on the same way, by storming on through stoically and enduring things, something that simply won't work.

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Sorry for the late reply caramoole and for not answering your questions just yet. I've been in Hospital all day and am being treated for a suspected pulmonary embolism in my lung. I've been having breathing difficulties for the past few weeks in this pregnancy. Wasn't sure if it was anxiety and the fact my bump is so big this time but went to gp who sent me straight to hospital. While there I had various tests and my blood test came back high risk indicator for blood clot on the lung. I've to have a more detailed scan tomorrow  (which unfortunately gives off radiation to baby) so I'm extremely worried about that and I've been sent home with blood thinners to inject in myslef. There is a chance this blood test is wrong or could mean something else and not a clot but they have to treat it as such. Never rains but it pours hey! X

 

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Hi Saz.....only just caught up with this.  Please ignore any questions for now and look after yourself.  I'm really sorry to hear about the possible embolism, let's hope they can confirm the diagnosis very quickly.  Hope things go well today, will be thinking of you and sending my best wishes.  When is the baby due?

Let us know how things go and take good care :hug:

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Hi caramoole.

Thank you ? Just sat in the waiting room now, been here a while, just waiting results of the vq scan I had, partner is with me...he's just gone to get me a toastie ☺ Had a bit of a panic earlier when I was imagining having a blood clot in my lung but calmed right down now and just trying to not get worked up because at the momentit is 50 50. Baby I'd due end of February. I brought with me a little stone I have made of orgonite and held it on my tummy as it's supposed to ward of harmful effects of radiation and have healing properties. I will answer your questions caramoole I promise xxx

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Hiya just a quick one to let you know I didn't have a clot. Felt guilty I had that scan and possibly exposed baby to radiation but there was no other way to know for sure. Just hope Its not caused any damage to baby or myslef. So no clot but very rundown with a nasty cold and sore chest - ironically I didn't have a cold before I went to hospital but after spending the best part of 2 days there I've probably picked something up! Probably stress also playing it's part. Just thought I'd let you know x

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Hello Saz

I'm sorry I haven't been in this thread for a while. I am sorry you're finding it difficult; if you have several issues happening at once, well no wonder! 

If it helps, I've been where you are and I know how frustrating and on-edge it is. It's a horrid feeling. But please do show yourself friendship and kindness; you really don't have to neglect yourself. I also know about bad nights out; I went out last night and I didn't want to; it was all too much and I came away in tears.

Keep on going and consider this a safe space. You're still with it, which means you're doing well. :hug:

C x

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Hi caramoole. Hope your well. I've just had a read over some more info of that book. Although it sounds like a great read, I'm worried I'll just be buying it for the wrong reasons, like I'll be buying it for a quick fix.  Been trying to impliment everything I've been told and made a list of my compulsions etc but it doesn't seem to be working and I now feel I'm too far gone.  I'm ashamed to say I'm getting worse. I went for a walk into town earlier and felt like I couldn't breath too good and was all panicky. This has happend a few times.  X

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2 hours ago, Saz said:

it doesn't seem to be working and I now feel I'm too far gone.  

Oh dear. :( I remember saying exactly that many years ago when I was struggling to face the discomfort of starting to resist compulsions.

It's not easy to keep trying when you don't see instant results, but unless you keep trying you'll definitely not get better.Tell yourself 'giving up is not an option' and keep trying. 

I like the poem ''Don't Quit''. It got me through many a time when I felt too far gone to make trying worth the effort. Here are some lines from the poem you might find inspiring:

 

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As everyone of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won if he'd stuck it out,

Success is failure turned inside out,
The silver tint of clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems afar,


So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit,
It's when things seem worst that you must NOT quit. :) 

2 hours ago, Saz said:

I'm ashamed to say I'm getting worse.

Shame only occurs when you know you've not given something your best shot yet. :dry: 

There's no shame in failure. There's no shame in getting worse.

The only shame is giving up and not trying. Because trying again and again and never giving up IS the best any of us can do. Don't Quit! :) 

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Thank you snowbear...I'm really not dealing with this at all. I can see I'm going to end up really poorly and that terrifies me as I'm 10 weeks away from giving birth to my 4th child. It's too much and I can't talk to anyone about it - only you guys  - and I know how frustrated I make you all. Have you seen the amount of pages on this thread? I'm embarrassed by it yet I can't help myself because of how I feel. I am so tempted to speak with my friend about it..She knows some bits and pieces..I can't deal with how it's making me feel. I never give up trying. X

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Hi Saz,

I think I remember talking to you on here last year. Congratulations on your baby. Remember that your hormones are probably playing a part in how anxious you feel. Please don't give up. 

Did you ever read the happiness trap? It's a book about a kind of therapy called act. I found that really helpful and it gave me the perspective and strength to be able to do exposures.  Maybe start by reading that and doing the exercises? It's a bit gentler i feel. Good luck and I hope you feel better 

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Hi raven and thank you. I didn't read that book...I've only really read one book...think it was break free from ocd...I didnt find it that helpful to be honest. Nothing is sinking in and you guys and myself have to question that, why isn't it? People seem to forget that I was perfectly happy and 'normal' before this one night (possibly mild ocd trait's growing up). I've not been a life long sufferer like a lot of other people on here and I dont have multiple false memories. It doesn't sound good. I want to be sick, I'm not dealing with this at all. x

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