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Saz

Feeling very anxious again (don't think it ever really stops)

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Sorry for late reply guys, had quite a busy day yesterday. ThankS for your kind words gbg, Roy,  Caramoole and anyone else I've missed out. 

Roy that must be the trouble, in the past even tho I have thought I've not given attention to the thoughts, I must be still giving them some kind of attention but just not realising it! Need to not allow these thoughts the time of day and I must dismiss them straight away in order to combat this.

I had an intrusive thought last night whilst viewing the high school that my little girl will be going to next year - it's like they just attack you from nowhere! I think it was along the lines of imagine if my little girl doesn't get to go to this school with all her frinds because of me - very similar to the thoughts regarding my son...I know that thought doesn't sound bad but it does cripple me when I think them...anyways I quickly refocused my attention away and carried on with listening to the head teacher do her talk thingy. 

I won't keep posting every day as their are many more people that need your time and help on here and I've used up a lot of it lately.

Oh heard babies heartbeat yesterday for the first time which was lovely ? Can't believe I'm gonna have 4 children! Lol I never thought it in my life. Midwife said I don't look old enough haha...I am 34 and she thought I was 16 ? xxx 

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1 hour ago, Saz said:

Need to not allow these thoughts the time of day and I must dismiss them straight away in order to combat this.

Remember don't try to bat them away - you will just reinforce them ( if you try hard not to see pink elephants, you will see them everywhere!!!) 

1 hour ago, Saz said:

anyways I quickly refocused my attention away and carried on with listening to the head teacher do her talk thingy. 

Good just need noting it's an intrusive thought, or connection to an intrusive thought, then refocusing away, is fine. 

1 hour ago, Saz said:

Midwife said I don't look old enough haha...I am 34 and she thought I was 16 ?

As per the immortal words about Meg Ryan in "When Harry Met Sally",  "I'd like to know what she's on!" 

1 hour ago, Saz said:

won't keep posting every day as their are many more people that need your time and help on here and I've used up a lot of it lately.

I think it's good at the moment that you report in and tell us what intrusions you get and how you deal with them - it gives you support from people who really do understand, and we can adjust anything we think needs adjusting :) But remember it's not about re-assurance-seeking - compulsions will never help anyone and so we won't assist an established member to do them. 

It matters not what time or effort it takes to help a sufferer, if they wish to listen and take on board help ;the purpose of this place is that where there is a need, the membership will help. 

 

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10 minutes ago, taurean said:

Remember don't try to bat them away - you will just reinforce them ( if you try hard not to see pink elephants, you will see them everywhere!!!) 

N.b.Saz and readers, this is a cognitive observation called the "OCD paradox". In Britain we tend to use pink elephants, but, and I may be mistaken, I have a feeling that in Canada they might use polar bears. 

If that is true, it could be why a certain very good friend of ours chose his pseudonym :whistling:

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For now Saz, don't worry about any complicated plan of attack. Let's keep it simple. Stick with practising noticing those thoughts (which you are doing) for what they are and changing the next step which is refusing to go any further down that road of working them out, giving them meaning.  You don't stop the thought but you do stop the former (what has become automatic) behaviour.

You're building a new and happy future for you and your (soon to be) four children :baby:

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5 hours ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

How's it going Saz? x

Yes, I wondered too.

Don't disappear and slip back into "endurance" mode......Let's continue working on identifying these thoughts and how to deal with them.  Simply gritting your teeth and getting on with things is the old way.

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Hi guys. 

Sorry not reported in, don't want to report in with a depressive post! I've been doing ok but I am worried I am just gritting my teeth and just getting on with things as you say caramoole and it doesn't feel the right way. I have been getting the thoughts and trying to refocus but honestly this feeling of dread and being on edge never seems to go.

I'll be honest in that I've had a bit of rubbish weekend and last couple days. I fainted on Saturday when I had my little boy with me in debenhams! He was so upset bless him, think it was my blood pressure being too low. Anyway that floored me (literally) and felt kind of drained the rest of the weekend and into Monday.  Work has annoyed me as they weren't very sympathetic to me being poorly - even tho I went in and didn't stay off. One or two other things have come to light regarding my partner and his family that have really upset me, to the point were I had a massive sobbing fit last night that lasted ages (kids were all fast asleep) I just feel like my partner doesn't want to really be with me and his family would be happy about that.  Anyways sorry for rambling on and I know my hormones could be playing a part in all this but I just feel pretty down at the moment. I keep thinking back to when I was so happy when I first met my partner,  beofre I ended up with this ocd false memory. I know that is not the way to to think.

Thanks for asking how I'm getting on - at least you guys care x

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Really struggling and feeling hopeless. Not sure if you read my reply above..sorry I took a while to reply x

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21 hours ago, Saz said:

but honestly this feeling of dread and being on edge never seems to go.

Saz you have only just started on the right road - and it doesn't happen fast, at the moment the connections are in the ascendancy. 

 

21 hours ago, Saz said:

I keep thinking back to when I was so happy when I first met my partner,  beofre I ended up with this ocd false memory. I know that is not the way to to think.

Correct, that won't help you so see if you can shift towards acceptance. 

Accepting we have the problem is important - we do and can't change that - but we can look to change our response. 

49 minutes ago, Saz said:

Really struggling and feeling hopeless.

It's tough - I am having a difficult day myself. But you have hope - you know how the thoughts are working against you and always linking back to the false memory. 

Keep carrying on - here's a trick my therapist gave me. The whole idea with intrusive thoughts is working towards taking the power and meaning out of them. So when they come just think it's just a silly obsession with the disorder making up negative connections and awfulising. 

It can help to try and take a detached view - looking in on the problem like another person can. 

 

 

Edited by taurean
typo

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21 minutes ago, taurean said:

I keep thinking back to when I was so happy when I first met my partner,

.Thinking......in this context, is ruminating Saz.  Going over things, wishing things were different.  It fuels the fire and keeps you trapped.  As well as the "Major intrusive thoughts" you also have to be on the look out for this general type of rumination and work hard to identify it, stop (and keep stopping) the ruminations.  When we've been this way for a long time it can almost become an automatic behaviour, this is where you have to be able to identify ALL of the different things you are doing in order to be able to change them.  That's why it's important to use this thread to identify these things that you're doing rather than going away, worrying, thinking, trying to carry on as normal (enduring) and yet still making errors in how you're dealing with this.

As you've described, you were happy......nothing has really changed as such.  You haven't suffered a brain injury that is irreversable, you are suffering from a psychological anxiety disorder and making phsychological changes in thinking and behaviours can return you to being that happy person.

So let's examine what you're doing.  Get yourself a pen and paper and write it down.  Throughout the day look at those times when you feel awful, what are you doing, what did you think etc etc?

 

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Roy I'm sorry that you are also struggling. I hope you feel better soon. I wish I could take a detached view. I often wonder what I would say to someone in my position. Also I am always giving advice out to friends and family, I am great at giving advice but for some reason I can't seem to take it when it comes to myself. Obviously it's just you guys on here that advise me about all this anxiety, I don't really discuss the whole false memory with people.

caramoole. I'm definately doing something wrong, I know I am. I think I am getting the thought or feeling and then I feel really down and anxious, I try to distract myself but really I am probably still thinking about it subconsciously. I feel sorry for myslef if I'm being totally honest. When im not in work like today and tomorrow I mope about a bit too much in the mornings when I should do a plan of action for myslef. My mind is really negative at the minute but that being said I feel like I have good reason for it to be. I feel like I'm not really cracking on with things because I don't deserve to be doing normal things...If that makes sense. X

 

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34 minutes ago, Saz said:

. I feel like I'm not really cracking on with things because I don't deserve to be doing normal things...If that makes sense. X

It is another way of connecting you with the thoughts. 

You and I deserve to be happy and not be having these problems. Generally sufferers from our kind of problems where the disorder comes up with a suggestion/suggestions contrary to our true character are real quality caring people - which is why the intrusions cause so much distress. 

I find noting down all the good things I have been doing for other people is helpful, and I have had some good enjoyment too recently. 

Edited by taurean
typo

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Guest David green

It does stop the anxiety you learn with time how to deal with it much better yeah it knocks us for six where in a bad way when it happens.But! we do rise again like you will and be more postive,Ive been where your at write now take it from someone whoes lived with anxiety since childhood im now 43.

 

You will see the light through all this even though that may not seem a reality right now, :)

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3 hours ago, Saz said:

I feel like I'm not really cracking on with things because I don't deserve to be doing normal things

You treat that "self message" in the same way you deal with other intrusions, you defy it, your go against it and yet again, refuse any internal debate about it.

So Saz, tomorrow, start with that pen and paper and jot down all the things that are happening in your head.  The type of thoughts and what you then do (like going over it)

Ok? .....or I'm after you with my :fish:  

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Ok thank you caramoole.  I'll do that tomorrow. Gonna get some sleep now. I'll report in tomorrow if that's ok. I've had 2 lovely conversations tonight, very randomly on facebook chat,  where I've been able to give advice and felt like I really helped and achieved something. It made me feel like I am important and people do like me lol...o know that sounds daft because I know people like me but I mean I feel I have done something positive and I feel good. X

Roy and David, thank you both too. David glad you feel better now. Roy hope you feel better as I know you weren't feeling the best x 

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1 hour ago, Saz said:

 I'll do that tomorrow. Gonna get some sleep now. I'll report in tomorrow if that's ok

That's fine Saz......just make sure you do :lol:

This needs a proactive approach....not drifting along, experiencing anxiety.  It needs you to take charge and say "Enough".  I know it's a hard and daunting battle but we start again at the beginning and do this differently.  Ok? :)

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Guest David green

Good for you

 

You keep on rolling baby it only gets better i bet we have all been through so much pain.We do rise and when we do me and you and all of us will party hard and really enjoy ourselves.As we deserve the best quality A class treatment i tell myself that a lot because of what it does to me like yourself maybe.In a nutshell we deserve first class treatment and we will get it. 

Edited by David green

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Thanks guys.

Ok so I've just had a spike/thought from nowhere telling me that it's a slightly different false memory from that night - I flat out cheated - and now the person in my false memory's wife is going to get in touch with me or my partner. How can a false memory change? I mean I have had this exact thought beofre but the other one is much worse than this yet at this moment this seems more real???!!!! What exactly should I do now to give this thought no meaning and try to have a good day? My body is all on edge now and chest feels all that weird way and stomach a bit off. I want to have a nice day. Sorry just need some help so this won't escalate. I feel like I've been reacting wrong to the thoughts you see   x

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6 minutes ago, Saz said:

What exactly should I do now to give this thought no meaning and try to have a good day?

Treat it as another intrusive thought - it's not your thought, it's an unwanted negative intrusive thought. 

You've done well, you've explained the meaning being given, and that it's not as catastrophic as the original one.

But it's just an intrusive thought. 

And it's hurtful and repulsive to you because it's turning your character on its head. I Know that feeling well.

 

 

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Hey Saz,

I've just been through the thread.  All cracking advice.  The beast will change and do anything it can to keep you stuck- learn to recognise when what you get is an OCD spike and treat it as advised.  When I was very ill a few years ago my OCD would change many times in a day- it was horrible.  The solution is simple but applying it is so hard because it feels like you're ignoring life changing stuff which you feel you should be punished for.  This is not the case.  It's a combination of being a worryer and having intrusive thoughts about the past.  Don't get drawn in- recognise, refocus and move on.

Keep fighting me dook x

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4 hours ago, Saz said:

How can a false memory change?

It can change because it is false, it isn't a real memory hence your brain can conjour up any version it likes.  But that's where we don't delve any further.  Your brain will try and pull you into all sorts of thinking processes, like trying to work it out.  e.g "How can it do that?" "This must be different" "What if I did cheat and this woman comes round?" or any variation on that.

Stop!  Know (or at least accept) that this is an intrusive thought.  Give it no mileage by entering into a debate with it, by considering what it means, by trying to find proof about the past.  Stop the debate....you can't stop the thought but you can stop the internal debate that follows.  Your brain will keep trying to pull you back into the conversation, you gently refuse and you keep doing this, keep concentrating on whatever it is you're doing.  The edginess, the stomach are all simply an anxiety response....your body is working as it was designed to do in fight or flight and your mind at the moment finds these thoughts threatening.  Doing something physical can help burn off the anxiety.  The physical sensations can work almost like intrusive thoughts, we notice them, we're scared of them, we put our attention on them and they magnify.  

Get working on letting those thoughts be there but you refusing to take the next step of "thinking"  It will happen probably a few moments later but you do it again.  Confound your brain and do something opposite to what it expects....put a really upbeat track on and boogie round the living room for 3 or 4 minutes.  I did this yesterday (not for any reason other than it was playing) but I boogied to "Down The Dustpipe" by Status Quo.....not your era but it's really upbeat.  It burns off calories, raises endorphins and makes you smile....give it a go, do it with the kids :lol:

Get practising at stopping these debates, forget about the meaning and keep doing it.  Let us know later how you've done :)

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Hi Saz, the reason your false memory changed is because your OCD is trying anything to get you to listen to it. As you've decided to fight the previous false memory and intrusive thoughts it's conjuring up a new scenario to try and get you to focus on that one instead. This is the nature of OCD. It's not uncommon for the theme to change completely or for there to be a change within the same theme when you start to fight OCD. Believe it or not the fact that it's changed is a good thing because it means that OCD is trying to fight back because you're engaging with it less. The trick is to continue to not engage with it and don't fall for any of its games. You can do this!

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Morning and sorry I didn't report in last night. I had a pretty busy night with the kids friends round for tea, and us not getting settled down till later on. 

I have now read all your replys - thank you. I have a fun distraction planned for tonight.  It's my hobby I haven't done for a good while now - my celebrity transformation. When im doing it im fully focused on it and not much else, I find it fun too.. just not sure who to do lol...maybe victoria Beckham ? I'm also out this morning watching my little boy play football - again this is something i really get involved in and genuinely forget a lot of my anxiety. I perhaps get too involved though in the shouting department lol, don't want to be one of those crazy annoying shout parents ? See even just talking about what I'm doing makes me feel positive - just hope it lasts and that I can really implement all the advice you guys have given me.

Like lynz, Roy, binx and yourself caramoole (and many others ) have said I need to be really strong and not engage with this or fall for its tricks. It sounds easy enough when I write it down but I know it's hard. I found myself yesterday letting my mind wander too much again. I'll report in later and let you know if I've had a more successful day x

 

Edited by Saz

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4 hours ago, Saz said:

I found myself yesterday letting my mind wander too much again

That's an important point to really take on board.  IT WILL.  Over and over again, you keep bring it back into the present moment, to what you're doing and refuse to get into that conversation.  Sometimes it will seem quite easy, other times the pull will be very hard, very convincing or you may have just slipped into the automatic response before you know it.  Which ever way, disengage, stopn the conversation and work hard at being in the moment.

Have a nice day and try and enjoy the things you have planned.  Well Done Saz....keep going, this is very early days :)

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