Feeling very anxious again (don't think it ever really stops)

[taurean]

Hi Saz 

Now you know what to do and how to look at your thought patterns to see how the connections cause distress, things will not improve without doing some homework to ease down the mental pathways making the links, and build some new positive ones to take more precedence. 

It takes time, distress will not ease straight away. But there it is, that's the way forward. 

[taurean]

I remember you got through around half the CBT Saz. 

Why did you decide to stop ? 

[Saz]

Hi Roy 

I had been allocated 6-8 sessions (which is standard in cbt) I had 6 and the nice lady said I could of had another 2 but I don't know i didn't feel like I was getting anywhere. I always just felt relieved after each session like she believed in me but that didn't last long and I thought 2 more aren't going to really help me overcome this. It's just all too consuming x

[taurean]

It's powerful yes, but having seen your "circle of distress " which we showed you (alternatively called a "vicious flower"  diagram) , which reveals how the brain   produces and maintains the distress, what action do you have in mind now to tackle it ?

 

 

[Saz]

Well in all honesty I'm completely at a loss as how to get past this. It's not even as if I can see this as a false memory but I'm struggling with the just the intusive thoughts..I'm dealing with believing I have done something regarding these thoughts, so ultimately feel like I have 2 battles going on. As I say I am reluctant to write on here for sheer embarrassment at how little I have moved past this and obviously for the number of times you have all replied to me. I asked myself before why do I keep writing on here and it really is down to utter panic, confusion and being massively afraid. X

[PolarBear]

1 hour ago, Saz said:

Well in all honesty I'm completely at a loss as how to get past this.

We've spent years telling you how to get past this. The problem is you won't take on the advice and do what we suggest.

[Cub]

Oh my dear Saz

Don't be embarrassed, please don't. If you care to look to your left, you'll see how many posts I've made over the years, many of them pertaining to my issues. It's alright to be not alright; but we're here to help. Doesn't matter how many times you post; it's what we're here for. 

I too come on here when I'm frightened and you're having a rough patch. I know what you mean about feeling unable to get past it; don't put yourself on a deadline. I know what you're feeling and I know it's scary. You just need to give yourself time to adjust and work out the right coping mechanisms that are healthy for you and will help you gain control at your own rate.

Just take a bit of time. It will be alright.

C x 

[taurean]

26 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

We've spent years telling you how to get past this. The problem is you won't take on the advice and do what we suggest.

For me It is always best to codify things, be it a worry or an OCD issue. 

Then you know what you are dealing with and how to tackle it. 

Biscuitcat puts essential tips into her phone. So did I when working, so I could do the necessary when needed. 

So why not look back on the thread, make a few notes, then add the basics into the phone? You can then destroy the notes if you want. 

Everyone needs to work the right plan. And as Bear says, you have it. How do we know that?  Because others have used it and got better. 

 

[Caramoole]

Quote

Caramoole I've had cbt it didn't help unfortunately

 

4 hours ago, Saz said:

I always just felt relieved after each session like she believed in me but that didn't last long and I thought 2 more aren't going to really help me overcome this

You say you had CBT and it didn't work but looking at the above (and based off observations here) I rather suspect that you didn't do much by way of behavioural exercises away from the sessions.......as in you attended the sessions, listed to the nice lady, felt reassured but didn't make any changes to your behaviour.  That won't work.  You have to work at making a change to your recations and behaviour.  That's probably why it didn't help

[Lynz]

I agree, Caramoole. It sounds like what you were doing, Saz, was using the CBT as a kind of reassurance-seeking exercise. The feeling of relief which you experienced after each session but which soon dissipated is further evidence of this.

Therapy is hard-work, Saz. You have to really work at it and that can start with following the advice that people have given you in this thread, but the key is to do it consistently.

[Saz]

5 hours ago, PolarBear said:

We've spent years telling you how to get past this. The problem is you won't take on the advice and do what we suggest.

Polarbear i will take the advice and I do try but this is extremely difficult when I am not sure it's ocd/false memory. x

[PolarBear]

As we've told you may times, Saz, there is no need for you to firmly believe you're dealing with OCD before you start your journey to recovery. No need at all. 

All that is required is for you to take a leap of faith that it is OCD and do the work necessary. Your belief that it is OCD at play will catch up to you. In the mean time you just assume it is OCD and move forward with the work.

[taurean]

10 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

Your belief that it is OCD at play will catch up to you. In the mean time you just assume it is OCD and move forward with the work.

That's very well put PB 

[Saz]

What's the difference between me worrying about a pregnancy symptom and trying to prove it (but kind of deep deep down inside knowing it's probably not the bad thing I think it is) and worrying about this false memory trying to disprove it (but deep deep down knowing it's probably IS the bad thing it think it is)? So kind of like the opposite of each other but the same in a way. It's got me panicking again.

[Saz]

I feel like I'm gonna crash mentally soon

[gingerbreadgirl]

Hi Saz,

This is a pattern we have seen time and time again with you over the last four years:

• You endure the anxiety humming along in the background until it becomes too much, or until something in particular triggers you, and you panic and come to the forum hoping for someone to say something - anything - to give you some respite from this anxiety and finally convince you this is OCD you're dealing with.  
• We give you reassurance this is OCD you're dealing with, and we give you the same advice we've always given you, and you feel a bit better, and for a while you make attempts to engage with our advice and things look more hopeful.  
• But then, because it doesn't work immediately, something else triggers you and instead of continuing with what you've been doing, you panic, you throw the baby out with the bath water and you start desperately seeking reassurance, you think "I've tried the advice and it doesn't work, this clearly isn't OCD", you get upset and anxious and nothing we say helps.  
• Then you leave the forum for a while, until the whole thing begins again.

You are the one who needs to break this cycle.

We have given you every piece of advice you could ever need to break this and more.  You have to engage with it and stick with it for the long haul despite the overwhelming panic you feel.

At the moment, you are well and truly stuck and, I'm sad to say, I can fully imagine coming back in two, five, ten years and finding you in exactly the same position you are now. 

Only you can change. 

Edited October 4, 2016 by gingerbreadgirl

[Moments]

Gingerbread girl you are right,however it just isn't that easy is it? I'm still very much struggling and know what to do but somehow I can't,so I can appreciate how hard Saz is finding it. We always know what to do but it's always somehow just out of reach.

[Caramoole]

Hi moments

With respect, we all know it isn't easy and completely understand how hard Saz is finding it BUT........we are all sufferers and know that ultimately we have to change our response/behaviour if we want the outcome to change, we have to change, we have to step into the abyss no matter how scary it is.

1 hour ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

We have given you every piece of advice you could ever need to break this and more.  You have to engage with it and stick with it for the long haul despite the overwhelming panic you feel.

I agree with everything mentioned in GBG's post.

I think you need to take some time to sit down and truly look at your role in your recovery.  From my observations it appears that the one thing you do is endure the situation, try to ignore it and stay strong......BUT you don't make any real changes, you simply endure, which is why you feel CBT didn't work and also why the suggestions on the forum don't appear to help.

Truthfully, I think you need to go back to your GP and ask for some more help.  I think the self-help route alone (at this moment) isn't working for you.  You could try the Break Free from OCD book if you haven't got it (or re-read if you have) but again, you will need to sit down with pen and paper and actively do the exercises.  This is where you keep falling thus far, you read, possibly understand but stop short of working through the recommendations.

Make that appointment Saz

[gingerbreadgirl]

1 hour ago, Moments said:

 it just isn't that easy is it?

No one said it was easy, moments  it is the only way though. 

[Saz]

Gbg, blatant reassurance seeking, but the bullet point where you say 'we give you reassurance this is ocd you're dealing with...' How do you know that? I know I'm sounding like a broken record and like I'm arguing against myself but that's the bit I can't deal with. I know you say I can't have certainty, but how are your guys so confident it's just false memory ocd, especially if I don't even know? I'm so overwhelmed by this. 

Caramoole I honestly don't think that a gp appointment for further cbt will help because I know it's all my fault as I don't understand this and I need to and want to. I am just enduring the situation, your right. 

X

[Caramoole]

5 minutes ago, Saz said:

'we give you reassurance this is ocd you're dealing with...' How do you know that?

Whoa Saz.....we can't keep going round on this endless Merry-go-round.  You have to take that leap of faith like we all must at some stage.

8 minutes ago, Saz said:

Caramoole I honestly don't think that a gp appointment for further cbt will help because I know it's all my fault as I don't understand this and I need to and want to. I am just enduring the situation, your right. 

I'm not really sure what to suggest until you're ready to change this

[PolarBear]

We've come full circle, Saz. You're right back where you were two and a half years ago when I met you. You're still seeking to find the truth about what happened that night. Nothing within your power will provide you with the answer you seek. Nothing. You've spent years seeking the answer, endlessly thinking, and it's all been for naught. Thinking any more will be a waste of time too. You don't get to know the answer. It's as simple as that.

You have an identifiable obsession that is intrusive, repetitive and relentless. It causes you a massive amount of distress. In response you perform compulsions. And it's all fed by your desire to know something you don't get to know. It's OCD because it is OCD.

All the thinking you have done for years has only managed to get you stuck and keep you stuck. Any more thinking on the subject will just make you more stuck.

There is only one way out of the mental quicksand you find yourself in. We've been telling you what that way is for years. But you have to do the work. We can't do it for you. You have to give up your search for the truth about what happened that night. You have to surrender to the unknown and be satisfied with it. Only then can you begin to move forward.

Edited October 4, 2016 by PolarBear

[Saz]

I know I'm absolutely rubbish (I am not looking for any sympathy when I say that). I probably am my own worst enemy for sure! 

I KNOW I am obsessed with this and I am able to identify what I'm doing to keep this going BUT because I am unable to identify the first part as false memory or just an obsession over an intrusive thought I am finding it beyond difficult to let it go or do the necessary work it requires . To ignore it is going against everything my gut is telling me, it goes against my nature as a human and my core values and beliefs. I wouldn't mind but I do keep thinking of a slightly different false memory every now and then, (which I have mentioned beofre) basically anything that makes me a disgusting human being. x

[Moments]

Hi Saz, I do really completely understand your situation,and I'm not just saying that,as mine is very similar. The thing is we know what we need to do but we never manage to get there. I'm in the process of having to go back to my GP and start the ball rolling again with my therapist as well. I have had this now for far too long and it just gets worse every year. I'm thinking that maybe once I can get the anxiety under control then I will find it more bearable to sit with the thoughts and not let then have full control over my whole life. How is your anxiety at the moment? 

Im also getting more false memories from time to time. Even today I told myself not to get anxious and relax,next minute my mind is all over the place and I walk back to my car feeling like a really sick and bad person. This has to stop,we don't deserve this.

Edited October 4, 2016 by Moments

[taurean]

11 minutes ago, Moments said:

The thing is we know what we need to do but we never manage to get there.

Well yes, the never manage to get there. 

But with Saz she has, as I have, read so many false memory threads, plus the excellent evaluation of this type of problem we have provided.

23 minutes ago, Saz said:

because I am unable to identify the first part as false memory or just an obsession over an intrusive thought I am finding it beyond difficult to let it go or do the necessary work it requires . To ignore it is going against everything my gut is telling me, it goes against my nature as a human and my core values and beliefs.

Saz you need to look at these reasons in a detached way and you will see how they don't stack up here - they are being manipulated to make you give belief to the intrusions - and you have to set these aside and take on the right path and stick with that despite no sudden apparent improvement. 

Only when you really take this on board will things start to gradually improve - with some plusses and minuses at first. 

You have to expect the minuses. You won't manage to work around them.

If Binxy GBG and others who said they have taken this route have succeeded, with all the same original doubts as you, then you too can do this.