Feeling very anxious again (don't think it ever really stops)

[PolarBear]

1 hour ago, Saz said:

To ignore it is going against everything my gut is telling me,

Your gut has been wrong for years now. Can't you see that all of the thinking, ruminating and other compulsions you've done for years now has been completely pointless?

[Saz]

I do know where your coming from polar and I know I haven't got the answer so yeah it does seem totally pointless....but that's not to say the real answer isn't true and I just don't know it....that's why I'm caught up in this trap. I'm trying desperately not to think like this  as I know it frustrates you all - myself included. X

[taurean]

This is spot on of course. 

The way you defend your obsession about that night beyond every given reason anyone can throw at you Saz is such a terribly sad wasted effort.

Because as PB put it, you can't work it out you can't prove it or otherwise. 

We have had other people on here with similar loss of memory after a overindulgence in alcohol on one night. Several have reported that their friends / a friend completely accounted for their whereabouts throughout. Did their OCD accept that?  

No of course not - someone must be lying!!!!!!! 

So, even those with apparently cast iron witness statements of what they did cannot accept this - and yet they know what they were doing from their friends. 

Even when just one person was apparently with them all the time except for comfort breaks, their OCD won't accept this" proof " because it's third party "evidence" . 

For them as well as you the way forward is what we - and that includes several people who have used it to recover - have given to you. 

 

 

 

[Lynz]

Saz, you don't have to fully believe or KNOW that it is OCD before you start working on it. I think this is where you are stuck - you want to be 100% certain that it is OCD before you begin to engage with it. But this is where you're going wrong because that will NEVER happen. You can only know for sure if it is OCD AFTER you start working on it. The belief comes after you begin your recovery journey and not before.

For example, I've been on my recovery journey for about a year now, and there are still times for me when I still doubt that I actually have OCD and worry that my obsession might be true and sometimes this is really awful, but as I continue working on it these occasions become less and less. And I've also noticed improvements in other areas of my life too. This time last year I wouldn't leave the house or meet anyone at all, but now I'm doing very well. I've managed to move to a new city away from my family and friends, I've started my nursing training and I'm doing well with that. I'm on top of all of my reading and I've just handed in my first assignment a week early. I've also managed to do this full-time, meet hundreds of new people, make new friends and I've even joined the karate team. Yes I still have OCD but by continually engaging with CBT for as long as I have I've managed to get my life back, and I'm confident that in time my OCD will go too, or at least be manageable for me which I'd also be happy with.

You can have all of this too Saz but it takes work and it takes consistency. I'm rooting for you Saz I really am.

[taurean]

3 minutes ago, Saz said:

..but that's not to say the real answer isn't true and I just don't know it....

So how else will you find the solution? 

What possible way? 

Even when others have had their complete activities confirmed to them by their trusted associates they are caught up in the same OCD paradox. 

The escapees learned what to do - for some, they wasted years of pointless effort. 

 

[taurean]

2 minutes ago, Lynz said:

Saz, you don't have to fully believe or KNOW that it is OCD before you start working on it. I think this is where you are stuck - you want to be 100% certain that it is OCD before you begin to engage with it. But this is where you're going wrong because that will NEVER happen. You can only know for sure if it is OCD AFTER you start working on it. The belief comes after you begin your recovery journey and not before.

Another absolutely spot on contribution Saz. And Lynz's recovery progress shows what can be done. 

We regularly get similar reports back from people who have done well by following the right path. 

 

[PolarBear]

4 hours ago, Saz said:

but that's not to say the real answer isn't true and I just don't know it.

And you'll never know it. So why spend so much time and energy looking for the answer?

[Saz]

I just do polar because it's so awful and a lot of the time I don'tlook for the answer but I just feel like a horrible guilty person now anyway.

Lynz you really sound like you have  good grip on this, your story is very inspiring and I'm made up you are socialising and making new friends etc ? I can actually feel me pulling away from more and more social events and just wanting to stay in my house because I feel that bad about all of this. 

Roy what you describe does sound like me, I had friends say they were with me all night but wjat about when I went to the bathroom? This is where my false memory seems to take place. Anyway I'm not meaningfor you to answer that it's just am example of my mind/worry.

[Saz]

Moments I hope your ok, it's awful x

[Caramoole]

So what are you going to do about it Saz?  Something? Anything? Nothing?

You seem to indicate or surmise that your particular incidence is unique, different from others. Is that so?

I'm going to be very direct here (so my apologies) but I don't see you taking any action to try and resolve your OCD.  I see you trying to cope with it, I see you trying to put up with it, to endure it......but the sad fact is that this will get you nowhere in terms of making any improvement OCD wise.

You won't seek further professional help

You won't implement suggestions made by others (based on experience & collective knowledge)

So.....to be brutal, what are you looking for?  Magic? (It's something we've all been guilty of hoping for....but doesn't exist)

You (and I'm sure many others) may think I'm being horrid......I'm not actually.......but there is a bottom line here

There is no magic answer or solution to your False Memory (false being the operative word)

Your problem is not unique

You cannot have the certainty you crave in order to proceed

You have to take the leap of faith despite not believing it's outcome

Or.....you stay stuck with this nonsense.  Is that what you want?

What is it that makes your case so much more special & complicated than the 100's and 1,000's of other sufferers experiencing their own "unique" version?

Don't for one minute think I (or we) don't understand how powerful your fears and beliefs are......but similarly, don't you believe others don't experience thoughts, feelings and beliefs that are just as convincing.

If you want to get better, you are going to have to have a huge shift of thinking, you are going to have to move forward in the face of those Demons, of those doubts, those false memories (note: False....being the operative word)

You cannot have the certainty you crave Saz.....not now, not tomorrow, not ever.

Throw your cap in the ring, get back to your GP and seek some help.  Learn to believe help may actually help, understanding that is the first step.

I understand your fear, I understand your bewilderment, I understand the doubt....but 4 years on I confess I struggle a little to understand why you won't try to implement some of the suggestions or identify why you're resisting the advice.

Your way won't work Saz, it's futile.  It needs a change of plan.  Yes, we appreciate how flipping horrid, how scary it is.....it's awful.....we know....but, remember.....there isn't a magic answer.  It always comes back to the tried and trusted methods.

Are you prepared to do that yet? The alternative is a no brainier.

 

 

 

 

[PolarBear]

Futher to Caramoole's excellent post, there are currently four people posting recently on the forum that are all dealing with false memory type OCD. All are just as upset. All are just as confused. All are looking for a way out. And the advice they are receiving is exactly the same.

[taurean]

6 hours ago, Saz said:

Roy what you describe does sound like me, I had friends say they were with me all night but wjat about when I went to the bathroom? This is where my false memory seems to take place. Anyway I'm not meaningfor you to answer that it's just am example of my mind/worry.

I am not going into that. 

But take a look at what you have said here. Do it in a detached way - look at it purely as others will. 

Then see just how your mind is reacting to put enormous focus and implied meaning into a simple normal activity. 

 

[Caramoole]

Saz......you've done what you always do, just gone underground.....that is until the next unbearable episode crops up and you find yourself back here posting.

You need to deal with this one way or another.  Have you thought anymore about seeing your GP or talking to Ashley about finding an experienced therapist in your area?

[Saz]

Hi caramoole I wasn't going to post here again to be honest if I could help it as I'm just not getting anywhere and I can't waste anymore of anyone's time. Just trying to wean myslef away - which is going to be very hard. I've not been to the Dr's no as after being quite a few times over the years and not really getting anywhere I'm not sure it's going to help...plus I feel like a a fraud anyway. Just trying to be strong and work through itx

[DownTheRabbitHole]

Hi Saz, just to let you know that you're not alone as I'm suffering from false memories too right now, well I hope they're false anyway! I have fallen into the trap of constant rumination and reassurance seeking, the reassurance makes me feel better for a little bit but it doesn't last and I go back to being sure the whole thing is true again. I just wanted to say that I know how hard it is but you can beat this xx

[Caramoole]

1 hour ago, Saz said:

Just trying to be strong and work through itx

But this is the point I keep trying to make you see Saz (where's my "shake you" smilie ;)  ) Being strong, trying to endure it, putting up with it is no answer.  Well, no answer that will benefit you or your family.

You can improve this situation.  Why not take the risk Saz?  Your way hasn't worked, has it?  Why not make those changes?  Sure it's hard work....and no, it's not going to resolve itself after a couple of days.....but you can change this Saz, don't waste any more years

[Saz]

Caramoole I have spent a lot of the weekend doing the opposite of what I'm supposed to be doing. Trying to understand why I went for 'tests' after that wedding because I was so afraid and convinced that either i had been taken advantage of or that I had done something terrible (this is the one im most afraid of is true and comes with terrifying images)....why on earth would I do that if I knew deep down that nothing happened. Crying the day after because i felt like id done something bad and feeling so horrible and anxious. I know I'm not supposed to think that way, I know I'm doing everything wrong when it comes to ocd/false memory - but the point is I don't think it is that - so how do i take the leap of faith? Maybe If Ashley does know of anyone round here who could help then I'd maybe give it a go, think that's my only hope x

[PolarBear]

The tests were compulsions. Very simple.

You take a leap of faith by taking a leap of faith. You agree that your way (which is the OCD way) has not worked for four years, so you're going to try something different. Again, very simple.

Edited October 10, 2016 by PolarBear

[Caramoole]

Listen Saz.....I'm not even going to go there.  Your OCD is just that, OCD and I'm not having a conversation with it.

4 minutes ago, Saz said:

Maybe If Ashley does know of anyone round here who could help then I'd maybe give it a go,

Could you PM him and let him know what area you're in?  Or PM me if you'd prefer

[gingerbreadgirl]

On 06/10/2016 at 01:26, Caramoole said:

So what are you going to do about it Saz?  Something? Anything? Nothing?

You seem to indicate or surmise that your particular incidence is unique, different from others. Is that so?

I'm going to be very direct here (so my apologies) but I don't see you taking any action to try and resolve your OCD.  I see you trying to cope with it, I see you trying to put up with it, to endure it......but the sad fact is that this will get you nowhere in terms of making any improvement OCD wise.

You won't seek further professional help

You won't implement suggestions made by others (based on experience & collective knowledge)

So.....to be brutal, what are you looking for?  Magic? (It's something we've all been guilty of hoping for....but doesn't exist)

You (and I'm sure many others) may think I'm being horrid......I'm not actually.......but there is a bottom line here

There is no magic answer or solution to your False Memory (false being the operative word)

Your problem is not unique

You cannot have the certainty you crave in order to proceed

You have to take the leap of faith despite not believing it's outcome

Or.....you stay stuck with this nonsense.  Is that what you want?

What is it that makes your case so much more special & complicated than the 100's and 1,000's of other sufferers experiencing their own "unique" version?

Don't for one minute think I (or we) don't understand how powerful your fears and beliefs are......but similarly, don't you believe others don't experience thoughts, feelings and beliefs that are just as convincing.

If you want to get better, you are going to have to have a huge shift of thinking, you are going to have to move forward in the face of those Demons, of those doubts, those false memories (note: False....being the operative word)

You cannot have the certainty you crave Saz.....not now, not tomorrow, not ever.

Throw your cap in the ring, get back to your GP and seek some help.  Learn to believe help may actually help, understanding that is the first step.

I understand your fear, I understand your bewilderment, I understand the doubt....but 4 years on I confess I struggle a little to understand why you won't try to implement some of the suggestions or identify why you're resisting the advice.

Your way won't work Saz, it's futile.  It needs a change of plan.  Yes, we appreciate how flipping horrid, how scary it is.....it's awful.....we know....but, remember.....there isn't a magic answer.  It always comes back to the tried and trusted methods.

Are you prepared to do that yet? The alternative is a no brainier.

 

 

 

 

Saz, I think you should have a proper read through of Caramoole's excellent post and really think of some answers.  

You are convinced that everybody else is wrong about this.  No matter how many people tell you otherwise (people who have personal experience of this very type of OCD, or people like Caramoole who have years of expertise), you are convinced you know better, that OCD is telling you the truth.  But maybe, just maybe, we are right about this and you have needlessly wasted years of your life on total nonsense.  Are you prepared to entertain that possibility?

[Binxy]

Oh, Saz.  So sorry to see that you're still wrestling with this. 

10 hours ago, Saz said:

Trying to understand why I went for 'tests' after that wedding because I was so afraid and convinced that either i had been taken advantage of or that I had done something terrible (this is the one im most afraid of is true and comes with terrifying images)....why on earth would I do that if I knew deep down that nothing happened. 

I don't know about the others on here but I don't have this feeling that deep down I know I haven't done anything- I tried to convince myself of it, looking for shreds of evidence that weren't enough.  Then, I took the leap- I just stopped looking for the answer because it was getting me nowhere.  You can't wait for things to feel OK before you move on because they never will- not until you let it go.  It will loosen it's grip but you have to be firm with it.  I don't wake up with the fear of dread anymore like I used to.  I don't have that horrible feeling in the pit of my gut all day anymore. That didn't come from suddenly realising that I can't have done the things that I worry I have done in the past.  I had to take the leap of faith and stick to it.

Come on Saz-  I know it's hard but it's your only way out.  It gets easier if you stick to your guns, I promise x

[Saz]

Hey binx. I've worded that wrong because deep down I don't know. Glad your feeling better these days.

gbg I am prepared to entertain that possibility but the feeling that this is all bull **** never lasts.

sorry for the short replies I am just finishing my dinner in work x

[taurean]

13 minutes ago, Saz said:

but the feeling that this is all bull **** never lasts.

Hi Saz.

You need to  stick with it through the response from the disorder that ups its game when threatened, and the initial increased anxiety. . 

Remember the really good advice here. 

Act as if its OCD in working the therapy even if you don't agree at the start - this is extremely important.

Expect it to up its game when you start to ignore it - maybe it will roll out another  concept around the incident

Remember - as others have been stating in the forum on other posts - even if , like you, you have witnesses that confirm to you it couldn't have happened - other than some very small  break, like a comfort one,  or similar  OCD never accepts that as proof - and the incident, as in your case, will usually  provoke a catastrophic interpretation.

Those that have got better have followed this process; doing what you have been doing, giving it belief by letting it attack your core values and ethics won't improve things.

Edited October 11, 2016 by taurean
clarification

[gingerbreadgirl]

17 hours ago, Saz said:

the feeling that this is all bull **** never lasts.

 

Of course it doesn't last.  That's why they call it a leap of faith.

Again you seem to be convinced that your case is somehow totally different to everyone else's.  Sorry, but you do. 

[Saz]

I don't mean to, it's just how I feel and probably because I feel like it came from nowhere so don't feel right to just label it a false memory x