How do we face our worst fears?

[Guest Stuckinarut]

Hi, Im new here. I always avoided this because I struggle expressing myself but I really feel the need to talk. This is a long post, so if you want to skip to the last paragraph for my main question that would be understandable.

Im 23, and my OCD began when I was about 16, after a believed exposure to contaminated cannabis (glass powder as to weigh it down and make it glisten, a sign of good quality) but mostly disappeared after gutting my bedroom, buying all new stuff and cleaning everything. I was normal besides the occasional controlled thought until I was about 19 in university. It came back much stronger than ever after returning to cannabis use (I felt confident that I was paranoid the first time), forcing me to leave uni and move out of my mums house and into my dads, because I thought that would get me away from the contamination. I havent smoked cannabis since and I never will again.

Now my OCD has generalised somewhat. What mostly bothers me kind of changes over time, but broken glass (shattered phone screens etc), cement, brick dust, and generally anything dusty are almost always strongly prevalent. This goes right down to things such as scratches on the fridge shelves or glass oven top. I feel like the scratches mean that small particles of glass have been scraped off and I will breath them in, which will inevitably lead to lung disease and early death. No amount of cleaning would allow me to touch it. I also fear general muck, though in times like now as I will describe that becomes less important since its just "icky" rather than dangerous.

I live with my father and for the past month or two hes been doing a lot of work on the house by himself. This frequently involves cement, bricks and cutting of similar materials. Its outdoor work, but he will bring in the dust on his clothes and body. He will have a shower when hes finished, but when he comes in he will touch the door handles, light switches, sink, toilet and shower, the washing machine, and I will need to clean all of these things thoroughly. It might not sound it but its very difficult work for me. It might take me up to 4 hours to finish before I can relax a bit. Frequently I forget to clean something until I suddenly remember, or its brought to my attention, and this undoes all the effort Ive put in because I think in the time since, it has been touched by my dad and the contamination has been spread again. It feels absolutely awful when that happens but I was managing quite well, even though I felt tormented, and I know that I cant interfere too much with my dads desire to do the work because thats not fair on him.

Just before all of this work began, I felt reasonably good though still very much ill, but I was hopeful. And I was seriously considering moving out to my own apartment and finally starting getting on with my treatment in a controlled environment (Ive been to 3 courses of CBT so far with some but little benefit), since living with my dad provided far too many opportunities to relapse. It was just too hard. But once this work started I was in no state to even think about that. I was waiting for the work to finish but it went on and on. Then things took a turn for the worse. My dad owns a 1960's car that for a while I ignored because it was just sitting there not being used. Then one day, amongst all this other work I was dealing with, I see him working on the car. Im convinced it has asbestos in or on it, and the same story began with him bringing in the contamination except even worse (asbestos is even worse than brick dust). In my mind it spread on to everything, including my food and my bed. So I threw away all the food (to my dads anger, since he shops for the food), I cleaned out the fridge and my dad, who by the way is very helpful and usually very understanding, bought new food after a long discussion about how would be the right way to do it so it doesnt get contaminated again. Im convinced we've thought of everything and found the solution. All goes well until he returns with shopping bags, my heart drops because I knew they were those reusable type and had previously been contaminated. I feel convinced the asbestos is everywhere and will kill me, but I have such a strong desire to clean and the act of cleaning all of this makes me feel sick. To top it all off theres a million bloody flies around that I cant touch to get rid of, and Im scared they will touch me and spread the contamination onto the only thing Ive kept clean, my PC, since its all I have. Honestly these flies are relentless. 

Im a sensitive person, but usually quite stoic in my appearance. I bottle up my emotions and rarely express them because unfortunately its embarrassing to me, but my OCD has gone too far right now and Ive never cried so hard or frequently in my life.

I hope I got across my situation. I expect some here can relate. In times like this I realize how much Ive lost to OCD. My friends, I almost never see my mum, brother and sister, I never leave the house besides doctor appointments, and even that I cant do right now. I have no job or career prospects, Im stuck in a dark room all day everyday and I cant touch anything but my computer. Ive already lost so much, why am I prioritising a fear of a potentially shorter life over getting back my life?

Now I actually get to my post title. All of this recent experience makes me feel a need to give up and let everything contaminate me, because Ive lost so much quality of life in favour of potential quantity. It may even all be in my head and not real. But I still believe my OCD is helping me survive, and I think in order to succeed I must believe that it is NOT helping me survive and that it is in fact completely false and unhelpful. But I really believe the asbestos is here and will kill me later in life. My therapy has told me to face my fears. But If I cant make myself believe that my beliefs are false, and entirely the OCD speaking, how can I force myself to give into contamination and death for quality over quantity? It seems an impossible choice to make.

I realise this is a very long post. If youve read this far I really appreciate it.

[PolarBear]

Hi stuck. First off let me tell you that you are not alone. There are millions of people just like you, many suffering in silence. 

The good news is that you are reaching out, to us and for CBT, which is the right therapy got OCD.

OCD lies. It always lies. Have you ever entered how come all the other people out there don't freak out because of potential contamination? It's because they don't have OCD, a disorder which blows things out of proportion and lies.

For now you don't have to believe there is no contamination. That will come with time. For now try to get your mind to consider there probably isn't any.

This will take time. Don't rush it. Delay cleaning when you can. The anxiety you feel won't harm you. It's okay.

[paradoxer]

Try to remember that the worst contaminant is OCD. 

[lilyflower]

no advice, but I understand you.  I've thrown out so much food.  Such a shame.  Contamination fears are terrible.  I can relate and also understand

the contaminated feeling you experience.  Keep posting here, they are so very helpful.

[Guest Stuckinarut]

Thank you all. Its been a while since I have been here, having being caught up in a landslide. I spent literally all of Saturday cleaning, not sitting down once for a break. The next day not only was I in physical pain, but everything became contaminated again. I came to realise that I just cant keep it up, so I have refused to clean things and the "contamination" has been spread. I feel a little better now, at least because I dont have to clean it, but its still terrifying.

I have conflicting beliefs and thoughts about what I should do. On the one hand, I feel like there is a genuine risk of death if I expose myself to the contaminant. I mentioned this before, but Im not convinced that my desire to clean is completely wrong. On the other, I know that I have already lost close to 5 years of life to isolation, and thats 5 years of youth, trying to avoid contamination. In a sense I have already removed 5 years of my life and that number will only increase. Thats a guaranteed loss, whereas I might not die from asbestos exposure. Therefore my best bet is to give up the effort and let myself be enveloped in "asbestos". Perhaps not all at once, but so far Ive let the contamination spread. I have avoided direct contact myself. Now I suppose I expose myself to small amounts of it.   

Is that sound reasoning, what do you think?

 

[paradoxer]

29 minutes ago, Stuckinarut said:

Thank you all. Its been a while since I have been here, having being caught up in a landslide. I spent literally all of Saturday cleaning, not sitting down once for a break. The next day not only was I in physical pain, but everything became contaminated again. I came to realise that I just cant keep it up, so I have refused to clean things and the "contamination" has been spread. I feel a little better now, at least because I dont have to clean it, but its still terrifying.

I have conflicting beliefs and thoughts about what I should do. On the one hand, I feel like there is a genuine risk of death if I expose myself to the contaminant. I mentioned this before, but Im not convinced that my desire to clean is completely wrong. On the other, I know that I have already lost close to 5 years of life to isolation, and thats 5 years of youth, trying to avoid contamination. In a sense I have already removed 5 years of my life and that number will only increase. Thats a guaranteed loss, whereas I might not die from asbestos exposure. Therefore my best bet is to give up the effort and let myself be enveloped in "asbestos". Perhaps not all at once, but so far Ive let the contamination spread. I have avoided direct contact myself. Now I suppose I expose myself to small amounts of it.   

Is that sound reasoning, what do you think?

 

Yes - for the greater good - allow yourself to possibly be exposed to asbestos. 5 years of youth! - and as you've said yourself - it'll only get worse. With OCD it's never enough. 'Just one more ritual, and I'll be ok ...' Yeah, right! Best of luck, and don't yield to a time wasting, life wasting disorder. 

Edited September 5, 2016 by paradoxer

[PolarBear]

You say you think there could be a genuine risk if you came in contact with the contaminant. Let's be honest here. You have no idea if there is any asbestos on or near that car, on or near anything in your house. So you are being super cautious because of a possibility, not a probability.

As you've said, you've wasted a good chunk of time, over what? Not over the risk of real contamination but over a thought in your head.

Continue to cut down on your compulsions. Be brutal with them. Fight back by not doing them. And you will have to start exposing yoursrlf to that which you fear. That means touching things previously off limits, without cleaning or washing your hands after. This is your job now.