I have beat OCD time and time again

[PureOfied]

My fellow OCD Sufferers,

I wanted to share my story and how I have learned to kick OCD in the rear time and time again...

First, thanks for taking me in on this great forum. I was clinically diagnosed with OCD around 15+ years ago when I was in my late teens. I always new I had OCD growing up because of the common things such as not stepping on cracks, or stepping on all the cracks until my feet "felt right," doing things in a certain amount of time for fear of something bad happening, etc...

As a child I conducted rituals to combat my thoughts, however as I got older the rituals stopped and it became purely obsessive with mental rituals, and like a true OCDer, a side of germ phobia. The mental rituals consisted of cancelling bad thoughts by thinking good thoughts such as having a thought of punching someone in the face and then immediately having a though of laughing and smiling with that person, and just giving myself constant reassurance however I could find it. Although, there was a guy in high school one who drank my soda without asking and I really did want to punch him in the face and I didn't have a cancelling thought, lol.

Like most of you, I have suffered through every possible intrusive fearing thought imaginable. Sexual, religious, harming, failing, fear of the after life and so on. I am an active Christian by the way. Anyway, my mind is creative in identifying new fears and has found no bounds.

When I didn't know what I had, I thought I was becoming a monster. I thought, "man I should go lock myself up in the local jail." I'm just going to walk in, grab the key ring from the cops belt and walk straight to the cell unlock it step in and close the big black bars behind me, or I told myself "I need to go into a psychiatric ward and get doped up on all kinds of medicines so that I do not act on any of these intrusive thoughts." The thoughts drove me toward having my first panic attack in my late teenage years, which is the most intense psychological experience the mind can endure by the way. Even though physically exhausting, the body is perfectly fine, and no, you wont have a heart attack from one. Quite the contrary since you can hear your heart beating in your ears.

I went to all kinds of PsyD. and PhD's. I was put on SSRI's, low dosage at first but OCDers likely need the higher dosages, and I conducted CBT to help me fight this condition. I read Dr. Burns Feeling Good Handbook, which is great by the way...However, the OCD wouldn't ever really go away. I thought of the same fear provoking thought for what seemed like daily for four years. It always lingered because, although the CBT worked well, it wasn't bullet proof because in my mind there was always a chance that I could act on my intrusive thoughts. Yes I know that is scary. There was still hope...

I searched for Evidence Based Treatment options. One that you hear of is Exposure Response Prevention (ERP) and how effective it is on fighting OCD. I sought out a specialist, which was super expensive by the way because there aren't many that do ERP for OCD, and he taught me the ropes of ERP and it has been incredibly effective. In fact, every time I have an episode, such as a couple weeks ago as I have been under lots of work stress, I go back to the ERP. After about a week of my mind trying to ruminate, and even with a panic attack which I don't get often, I'm back to feeling like myself and my thoughts have moved along and the ruminating has gone away. Prior to a couple weeks ago I hadn't had an episode in around 18 months. Then I called up my doctor buddy to setup a follow up and by the time I saw him a week later I was back to just being me w/ minimal OCD symptoms. The ERP that I have practiced for such a long time has helped me significantly.

ERP seems to work in about 90% of OCD sufferers. I know, you wish I said 100%. lol. A combination of CBT and ERP is effective but the ERP is critical component.

OCD wants bullet proof 100% guarantee that you wont act on your biggest fears, but we all suffer from self doubt that we may lose control of ourselves. Therefore, fighting this disease with logic is difficult because there is always a chance in our mind. The chance that we may hurt someone, or conduct an inappropriate act, or catch every germ on earth, or face death prematurely, or losing our spouse who is the only person that understands us, fear of being alone, fear of being with a child, fear of running someone over etc... This scares us, it paralyzes us, and we feel alone because we don't want to share these disgusting and scary thoughts for fear of being judged by our loved ones, or fear of being abandoned for being "crazy."

Our natural response is to give our self reassurance that we wont act on our fears or they wont occur because we are good people, we have values, we love the person(s), etc...The uncertainty is where the OCD comes in and that's why the cycle doesn't stop. ERP is counter-intuitive in how we fight OCD. It is suppose to be scary on purpose because that's how you become desensitized. The goal is to beat the **** out of the OCD at its own game until you become desensitized. 

Say you are driving along and suddenly you see a biker and a trigger comes in saying that you may run over the guy. Now you begin obsessing that you may have ran over someone on the way home. So you go to your car and check the fender over and over again for assurance that you didn't. Maybe your natural response is to drive your same exact route backwards to make sure you didn't hit the guy. And since you went out to check the route you want to make sure you didn't hit anyone just now while you were checking the route from the time before. And it just keeps going. Instead of trying to find assurance, in this case trying to get a physical answer as oppose to finding assurance mentally, you tell yourself "Hey you know what? its possible that I ran over someone on the way home today from work. In fact, Its possible I ran over 5 people on the way home, and its possible that I will run over the same 5 people tomorrow when I go to work. Tomorrow I may just drive by the mall parking lot and possibly wipe out everyone in the lot in my Toyota. There aren't any guarantees in this life. Anything is possible. It just is. That's life, and I have no control of what happens." You continue to tell yourself this until the anxiety you feel from it subsides. Meanwhile you do NOT give yourself any reassurance. In this case you don't tell yourself "this wouldn't happen because im a good driver" or "i have never been in an accident" or "i always look out for bikes" etc.. You also don't conduct a physical ritual and go check your car. You don't conduct a mental ritual by telling yourself that you have values, or you love the person, or that you would never do it because your a good person, etc...

The key phrase in ERP is "Anything is possible and there are no guarantees in life. It is possible that...[insert fear or act or anything here]..there are no guarantees in life."

In our true heart we know who we are and what we believe. I know I believe in God and that Heaven is real. I know I love my family and they love me. I know and belie I have values and morals. I know and believe a lot of things for a fact. However, this isn't how you fight a fear mongering disease like OCD. This disease thrives on our reassurance and in the uncertainty that comes from it. That's why CBT alone and using logic wont work on its own. It tries to play off the things you cherish most and instill doubt in yourself and your values.

When we tell ourselves that anything is possible and that there are no guarantees in life, and we actually exaggerate the OCD and elaborate further on our fears to make ourselves antsy and we continue to do it until the anxiety subsides, we are no longer letting ourselves become trapped in the cycle. Telling ourselves that there are no guarantees and that anything is possible is irrefutable proof that the OCD cannot combat any longer because we are accepting that anything is possible. Saying these things to ourselves over and over and over again in our mind obviously creates anxiety on purpose, but you must continue to do It until the anxiety subsides, and when It does, because IT WILL, you have just become a step closer to beating this thing. However, every time we provide reassure to ourselves we only are becoming sicker. Thing of a drug addict. Every time they inject themselves with a needle to "feel better" they are actually becoming sicker. The rituals ARE our drug. This is the essence of ERP. It has worked wonders for me.

I am not a psychologist.. I am a product of the various treatments that I have gone through and research that I have done for statistically powerful treatment options over the last couple of decades. I am a scientist in my career so I typically know what to look for in evidence based treatment studies. If you do decide to do ERP, I suggest doing it with someone who is specialized in OCD with ERP. It can be frightening at first, because that's the whole point. So you want to make sure to do it in front of a doctor. Its not an easy road, but at some level we have to man up and bite the bullet, because we deserve to live our life with our eyes wide open and not in fear of our own minds or fear of a next panic attack or even fear of not going to a specific location because we associate it with something bad.

Taking SSRI's has helped me. I still take it to this day because I am a jittery person as it is. OCDers, unlike people with just general anxiety, typically require the higher dosage. 100mg of Zoloft or citalopram which is Lexapro, etc... I refused to take anything for a long time but I eventually came to the realization that that OCD is a Medical Condition. It is a DISEASE. Just like a heart condition, or Diabetes. Taking an SSRI is no different than taking Harvoni for people with Hepititis C, or no different than taking Lipitor for high cholestoral, or no different than taking Enbrel for arthritis. Many people make the mistake of feeling better so they think they should get off of it. Well the only reason you feel better is because you're taking it in the first place! The best combination is the SSRI with ERP and maybe some CBT. That's the ultimate 1-2 punch knockout for OCD. Since I have become pretty good at utilizing my "anything is possible" ERP technique and have a way to fight this thing even with out medicine I may entertain reducing my dosage and potentially stopping in in the next few years. That is just a maybe though.

You are NOT a monster, and your not going to become one. The name of the game isn't to become cured of OCD forever. There is no cure for OCD, but with the right treatment is highly manageable, and that is the goal, to get it to a point where it is tolerable and you will forget you even have it.

OCD is a part of us, and is part of our make up. In my opinion, some of the traits of the OCD have helped me be successful in my career. In fact, I wouldn't even get rid of my OCD if I had an option because I wouldn't want to lose a sense of myself and what makes me who I am... Oh oh...possible trigger here..."I may lose the sense of myself, hey its possible. There are no guarantees. Maybe one day i'll wake up and not know who I am no recognize myself. Totally possible. In fact, I may not know who I am or anyone else around me. For this reason I may become a bum and live on the street. Possibly i'll end up under the over pass a couple miles from here where there are bats. Its possible I may live with the bats. I may become known as the batman because I live with them under the over pass. Heh. its possible, no guarantees here my friend..." hehehe.

The only reason I joined was to share my journey with everyone. I have read many posts and see that many people are where I once was. Am I perfectly OCD free? nope, and I wouldn't want to be. Do I still have triggers and OCD? yup. Is it as bad as the first time I had it? Only when I forget to implement my tools. Is the OCD tolerable and manageable most of the time? You bet your bottom it is.

If you have any questions, I will try and answer what I can.

You CAN get control of your life again, even if your mind and your body feel like they are telling you otherwise. God Bless you all.

Cheers!

 

 

 

[PolarBear]

Well. Congrats on making strides on the road to recovery.

Try not to use the term OCDers. It makes it sound like we're part of some hobby club.

As for ERP, it is part of CBT, the behavioral part, learning how to behave differently. We emphasize both the cognitive side and the behavioral side on this forum, for the most part.

[PureOfied]

Yes, a long battle for a long time. After doing some browsing I came by this site and read many peoples comments and it just brought me back to the beginning in some instances. Thought I would share my story. And maybe one day I'll have to vent on here. I do not discount CBT at all. Has worked well for me. Cognitive side always helped me with stress management of real life situations which helped prevent flare ups of OCD. Certainly both are best. When I began my hunt at the beginning for something like this in late 90's nothing existed online at the time. Its great to see such an active online community. Take care.

[lilyflower]

Thank you for your post, it's very encouraging.

[Guest Jayne]

I have suffered with OCD for what I can now say most of my life, I didn't recognize it until I was in my late 30's. The part in your post about driving resonated with me as I have done this, along with a fixation with making sure I had put the telephone back on the receiver and that in checking that I had done so I had inadvertently caused the problem I was most worried about and that in turn would generate a huge phone bill which I couldn't pay and so on. I too have had times when I have felt in control of the OCD, today is not one of those day's. But I do think it will always be something that will have highs and lows and I celebrate the good days.