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Hi. Yes I'm back.

Freaking out as always. Basically my partner and I got intimate and I kept having the thought that I should stop being intimate or it means I want my daughter to be harmed in some way and the one that really stuck was that I wanted her to be harmed by her dad (I suffer from pocd) and that's probably because she's at her dads tonight and before my boyfriend and I got intimate, I was worrying about whether she was okay or not. Anyway basically I kept having thoughts and images of my daughter getting harmed by her dad and obviously I was turned on by my boyfriend and I kept thinking I should stop being intimate but I didn't stop, I said I didn't want to because I'm enjoying myself and I'm doing nothing wrong and then obviously I orgasmed and now all I can think about is that I orgasmed over the thought I had of my daughter being harmed by her dad and I feel guilty that I didn't stop being intimate with my boyfriend and I don't know if I should've stopped or if that's avoiding 

 

I just feel so disgusting and dirty, I feel like I've done something bad..especially since I was feeling turned on and my boyfriend touching me was pleasurable so now I think I enjoyed the thought and that I would let it happen ??? Like I found it pleasurable ugh

 

i don't even know what's OCD and what isn't 

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I'm not sure what to say, are you seeing a psychologist? Try to find out as much as you can about ocd so you know what you are dealing with and arm yourself with knowledge. 

Our imaginations know no boundaries, so nearly everyone experiences intrusive thoughts that are rooted in violence, sex, blasphemy and beyond. For most people, these thoughts come and go. But for sufferers of OCD, these thoughts trigger debilitating anxiety. It’s not easy getting rid of the thoughts. OCD sufferers compulsively try to neutralize or disprove them. But the more they obsess, the stronger the thoughts get. The faster they come. And the more they play into their biggest fears. This leaves sufferers questioning their character and constantly seeking reassurance that they’re simply not capable of acting on their thoughts.

And so begins the never-ending cycle of obsessions and compulsions. Unlike some forms of OCD where a sufferer engages in a visual ritual (like hand washing), some OCD sufferers get stuck in their minds performing non-observable rituals over and over again. To their dismay and frustration, sufferers obsess over the meaning of their thoughts. Even worse, ill-informed therapists might request that their patients dive deeper for an understanding. The truth is, those intrusive thoughts are completely meaningless. Because the brain experiences a misfire between areas of communication, they don’t actually speak to someone’s character. Intrusive thoughts can be a totally manageable condition. With proper therapy, people with OCD can live normal, happy lives.

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I've seen a therapist before a couple years ago, had CBT but it didn't really help. The intrusive thoughts of my daughter have always been my biggest theme and I'm constantly getting triggered. I've been told many times that it's OCD and to treat it as OCD but what I don't understand is if I have an intrusive

thoufht during sex, no matter what that thought is, do I continue being intimate and let the thought be there or should I stop what in doing or is that a compulsion. Last night I felt like I should've stopped doing what I was doing with my partner but I didn't, I carried on because I was enjoying it and that makes me think I'm a bad person, I shouldn't be enjoying intimacy when I'm having bad thoughts especially if they're revolved around my daughter. I know I've done nothing physically wrong, all I did was get intimate with my partner but I think it's because I let myself go to climax with having this thought in my head and not doing what the OCD was telling me to (to stop or the thoughts are true) and now I feel completely guilty. After I climaxed, I broke down to my partner and I felt so ashamed and disgusting, I felt like the worst person in the world and I couldn't sleep.

what seems to be bothering me the most today is the fact that I didn't stop when orgasming, makes me feel like I didn't because I didn't care, I was all about the pleasure and didn't care how I was feeling which makes me feel like I would do something worse just for the pleasure? Like I would want my thoughts to come true for pleasure or are they completely different because the act I was doing with my boyfriend isn't wrong, it's natural?

OCD has my head in bits and it doesn't help that my hormones are all over the place.

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When a thought enters your head you should do your best to just let it be and don't react to it. Carry on being intimate with your boyfriend, if you stop doing that in response to the thought then that is a compulsion (avoidance), and that will only make the anxiety worse. Similarly don't start ruminating over the thought and trying to work out what it means as that is a compulsion too.

Ideally what needs to happen is whenever you have an intrusive thought you'll quickly be able to recognise that it's just OCD and is meaningless, and then just carry on with what you were doing and not react to the thought at all.

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Thank you for taking the time to reply to me. 

I just wish I would just accept its OCD already but I cannot for the life of me, believe that's what it is.

I have to try my best, I know that but it really is quite hard and I just don't know what to think or believe anymore ?

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Finding, it's time you found an OCD expert and get yourself re-engaged with proper CBT. There is only so much we can do on the forum.

You have raised this particular situation multiple times now. Giving you reassurance isn't working and it will never work. 

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