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Created/false memories, doubt, fearing and worrying


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Hi everyone,

I'm new to the forum, and I wanted to ask for some advice about a recent problem I've been struggling with. This is quite a long story but here goes.

A couple of weeks ago, the flat above mine in our block was having a party for their child and there were quite a few children at the house. I was brushing my teeth ready to go out and go about my day when I heard some chldren's voices by my front door. I immediately had an intrusive thought of bringing a child into my flat and then sexually harming them in my room. I tried to be strong and just treat it as a thought and carry on, but it seemed to feel stronger and stronger and more scary. Literally moments later, I felt as if I had actually done something terrible and I started to obsess about the whole event of having the thought and being in my flat and everything. I left my house and went to my parents who were visiting my brother down the road from me, where I burst into tears.

From then, it has been seriously making me ill. I am obsessing about this whole thing, trying to remember if I said anything, trying to remember what the child looked like, what clothes or underwear they were wearing, trying to test myself to see if I remember being in any sexual situations, trying to remember if they said or shouted anything, checking if I have any physical memory, retracing my steps in my house. It's all so tiring.

I came home later that evening after seeing my parents, and saw one of the children in the hallway and my mind instantly latched onto the idea that it was the same person. But now I can't remember if this was in my original thought or if I added to it. I remember seeing them beforehand outside from my bedroom window but I think my mind has added things as I've got so muddled up.

The more obsess, the more vivid and scary it all feels. I'm frightened of being in my own flat because this is where my mind locates all of this. I look at my bed and I have this horrible feeling, vivid images that I'd done something bad on there. I'm better when I'm away from my room, but as soon as I get home my mind instantly matches my thoughts with the fact that I can see my room with my own eyes when I get home. It makes it all feel so real.

I am terrified that I have done something bad, although in reality no one has said anything, surely I would be in custody right now? Surely I would be in jail, the child would have said something if I had done anything? There were parents and adults outside in the garden. There were also two voices by the door when I had this thought and so the other person would have seen. 

I am being eaten alive by this, it is all I can think about and I am so scared that I have done something wrong. I seem to have this amazing thought/action fusion complex in my mind where I can convince myself I've done something terrible and believe it and simulate all the emotions.

I've been through CBT for 28 sessions and have been discharged from it in September and so I cannot receive anymore help for a while. I am currently taking 50mg of sertraline. This is not the first time that this kind of obsession has happened to me. There have been 2 other times when I've started obsessing after babysitting for a friend's children and then looking after my ex girlfriend's sister. Now I'm so scared that this time it's real, even though i remember thinking the same thing the last time.

I just want to feel better and know that things are ok, because I find it hard to enjoy anything and relax. I don't believe I'm capable of doing this, it's so out of character of me, I just want to know I'm ok.

Does anyone have any advice about how I can help this and get on with life?

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

HGeorge

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You are assuming that just because you had this thought it must somehow be meaningful. The more you try to sort out the scenario and the more images you try to conjure, the more real it will seem and the more confused you will get. The more you check your memory, the more difficult it will be to differentiate real from imagined. You need to try to leave it alone and stop the memory-checking compulsion. Do something else. Trying to figure things out will never provide you with any useful information or relief--just more confusion and fear. 

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Yrrow is right. The more you try to figure out what happened the worse you will feel.

Everything you said in your third paragraph is a compulsion. Those are the things you need to stop doing. Refuse to get into mind debates over what you think might have happened. Leave it alone. 

The more you think about this the more detail you'll add to the do called memory, which will make it seem more real. You need to stop this cold and that means identifying the compulsions you are doing and stopping them.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi there,

Thank you so much for your responses Yrrow and Polar Bear. Been doing a bit better this week. My anti-depressants have been helping and I've been getting on with things a little more, but at the same time I kind of feel numb and have urges to think, obsess and perform compulsions. I find it really hard to get away from it, but when I do it becomes like a background noise. One thing I do realise is that when I don't obsess, the idea that I had done something bad to a child becomes sewn into my mind and it makes me feel as though it actually did occur, which is when I try to battle myself. I want to get to a position where I can just know that everything is ok and just carry on with my life. 

Many thanks,

HGeorge

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George, that's the nature of OCD. It will keep relentlessly hounding you until you accept they are just thoughts that don't mean anything and you stay away from doing compulsions. It's work. Fighting OCD is like putting in a full days work. Every time you get an intrusive thought you've got to say, No, I am not going diwn the compulsion road, then turn your attention onto something else. 

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You are right Polar Bear, I just need to get stronger and be more resilient. Would you say that the whole false memory thing with OCD is quite a common thing? I can understand people with thoughts, intrusive thoughts and that whole thing, but my fears and OCD centres around obsessing over having done something already, like this whole scenario came about seconds after having the thought and I started getting to beaten up in my mind where it tricked me to think I'd done something terrible and since then its just grown and grown. It's really hard because I feel like I'm alone in this scenario, with the whole false memory/created memory/doubts and worries.

 

Many thanks and best wishes,

HGeorge

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George, there are currently four or five threads about false memory active on the forum. All told there's probably hundreds. It's a sorely misunderstood form of OCD. Not a lot of people know about it, except the sufferers of it and some therapists and lay experts.

All OCD themes start with intrusive thoughts. They all seem real. With your theme there is the added complication that you perceive an intrusive thought as a memory, rather than the garbage it is. In response you perform compulsions. Rather than making the situation better, the compulsions end up cementing the problem in your mind. The more you think about the intrusive thought the more real it seems and the more it bothers you. 

The way out is to steadfastly refuse to give the intrusive thought any attention. The more you do that the looser OCD's grip will be on you.

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I have a little confusion between two routes. 

1) Just let the thought come and don't do anything about it. Just wait for it to pass or do another work.

2) Answer the thought with "I accept that I may have done something or may be I have done nothing, I may never know for sure".

Which one is better?

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Either one is fine, John. Everyone has their own little label they say in their head when an intrusive thought strikes. 

The point is, you want to do nothing about the thought. Let it go and continue on with your day as if the thought never happened.

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  • 4 weeks later...
Guest Shopoholic79

Hi there i am new to this forum but When I have intrusive thoughts I distract myself by doing a word search, colouring, dot to dot books anything to use my brain else where, or write down every time you have a intrusive thought how you are feeling at that present moment I have found that to help.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Yeah I completely do the same, just try and keep doing things, keep busy. The thoughts, worries and anxiety are all still there but I'm getting on a bit better. 

I still manage get myself in a right, and there is under current feeling that stays with me in the back of my mind that I've done something wrong. That's something that really hurts me. Then I go searching for reassurance, ruminating etc.

Definitely feel like this kind of thing cuts me off from family, friends, enjoying things etc. 

Thanks so much for your help.

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I've had the exact same. 3years ago j had a breakdown after having my daughter. And suffered with horrendous OCD thoughts I kept thinking why am I having these looking back at the past and my head went **lightbulb** I then looked up and said to my mum I once baby sat my friends daughter and she wanted to get off my lap and I didn't let her cause she was being a pain... then I went did I keep her there cause I was aroused? Then I started to think did I rub her on me? I then start thinking to myself have I just forgotten the memory and it's came back like 3/4 years later. But surely you wouldn't forget if you committed such a horrible thing that goes against all my morals? So hard 

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On Saturday, December 03, 2016 at 18:28, HGeorge said:

Yeah I completely do the same, just try and keep doing things, keep busy. The thoughts, worries and anxiety are all still there but I'm getting on a bit better. 

I still manage get myself in a right, and there is under current feeling that stays with me in the back of my mind that I've done something wrong. That's something that really hurts me. Then I go searching for reassurance, ruminating etc.

Definitely feel like this kind of thing cuts me off from family, friends, enjoying things etc. 

Thanks so much for your help.

Have you seen my message below

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No you wouldn't forget it, regardless of morality and you certainly wouldn't forget it if it completely went against your morals! Another on a forum told me that you don't forget things that you've done and that you cannot repress them or put them into an area as repressed memories. That may happen when you're younger if something happened to you, but not if you do things! This is the OCD eating at you, not you. Try and disengage with the thoughts and don't give the bully any power. If you give it an inch, it'll take a mile!

best wishes ! 

HGeorge

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