New obsession

[Starbuck]

Sitting here in tears as I'm frustrated and terrified by my new obsession. I have moved away from a city into the countryside. Occasionally at night time, my OH drives back to the city. This involves driving down country roads at night.

The problem is that I've started becoming a nervous wreck every time he goes (this is totally new). If he doesn't text me to say he has arrived safely, I start feeling really sick to my stomach with worry and then I start performing compulsions like checking the police Facebook groups to see if there have been any accidents. I know this isn't healthy especially since I'm now considering going to things with him (when we would normally have a night apart, me watching my films, him with his friends) just so I know he is safe.

It has just resulted in me texting him twice to see if he arrived then ringing him (which he answered) and then bawling my eyes out when I got off of the phone.

I know I need to not perform the compulsions but in the moment I'm so terrified and irrational. I don't know where this is coming from.

[PolarBear]

Hi Starbuck.

I had this when I was a kid. It was awful. If someone left the house and took longer than I thought they should, I"d worry myself sick. Worse, there were no cellphones and there was no way to get a hold of those people. I felt so alone, so anxious, so much in physical pain because of it. It would be such a relief when they finally came home but the episode would basically wreck my whole day. If I had only known then what I know now.

Your problem is your compulsions. Ruminating is going to be the big one and then you have others like checking Facebook pages and trying to contact your other half. These things need to stop. You need to teach yourself it's okay to stop. You both need to work on stopping the compulsions and you need to keep yourself busy doing something that your mind can concentrate on.

It takes a lot of practice to curb ruminating. It's really hard. But it can be done. Much of it is cognitive work, starting with the perception that it's okay not to ruminate, that it's okay to leave the matter alone and let it be.

[Starbuck]

Thank you so much for your reply. I agree about the compulsions. When I've spoken to my OH about checking fb etc, I'm really embarrassed but in the moment it seems like the only way for me to get more information but of course that is silly and all in my head and it doesn't stop the doubts. Even after the phone call, I had to stop myself texting again.

I'm trying to distract myself with a film. I'm only half engaged in it as my mind is elsewhere. Writing this has helped me distract a little as it's given me something to do.

[PolarBear]

I fully understand. I know how awful that anxiety feels. And you're right, doing the compulsions does no good. It doesn't make you feel better or more relaxed. If anything it leads to more anxiety.

Be tough with yourself. When you get the thoughts and you feel the anxiety rising, tell yourself it's okay to not know. It's a waste of time to sit there worrying about the situation, which is well and truly beyond your control.

 

[Starbuck]

Thank you again. I will try my best. I know if I give in, it will only be worse next time and will keep spiralling. Just going to set myself a goal of trying not to text him again until he gets back which will be really difficult but worth it in the long run.