Starting to think I've had OCD all my life

[Guest pmdt]

And it's only just occurring to me.

 

I go through stages of complete obsessive worry about things I shouldn't worry about. Sometimes it's times I've embarrassed myself or let myself down socially when drunk. It could be something I did 5 or 10 years ago but I may suddenly get a pang of fear that everyone thinks I'm a joke and then need to text friends to reassure myself I'm liked.

The other worry is health. I have had a real penetrating fear of contracting a serious STD. So much so I've spent countless sleepless nights reading every forum, every study and speaking to doctors or experts or friends for reassurance. I seem to have got a grip on this part of my weakness though.

The other is worrying that I have done something wrong/illegal and that I could be arrested for it. Specifically there was a woman I slept with once 5 years ago who was extremely kinky and engaged in explicit conversations with me on text and online. Two of the fantasies she spoke about were illegal (that's illegal to do, not illegal to talk about), but I did speak with her about them and respond curiously. At every stage I said it was just a fantasy and made her promise she wouldn't do it for real. I have never looked at anything inappropriate online, nor do I have any desire to. I stopped replying to her and blocked her after a week as the things she was talking about were really not appealing to me. I have never spoken to anyone before or since about these things as they do not appeal to me. I just get a feeling of all-consuming guilt about these incidents. For some reason, 5 years later, something has triggered me to being so cripplingly worried that the police find those conversations and I get arrested. Deep down I know I didn't break the law or do anything to anyone, which is something to cling to I guess, but I just obsessively try to remember as much detail as possible in an attempt to reassure myself that I didn't actually do anything wrong. I think it is the guilt, does this sound plausible? That I feel guilty for having these conversations with her and its now manifesting itself as worry and fear. Why wasn't I worried at the time? Is it because at the time I knew I hadn't done anything illegal but now false memories are scaring me into thinking I could have?

I've never spoken to anyone about any of these things, and only today after starting to get everything together have I considered that they may all be linked, and OCD could be the common theme. It seems to me that they are all linked to some form of public humiliation or stigma. Not being liked, having a serious STD or being arrested for some form of sexual deviancy. Just my thoughts, not based on any reading or knowledge of OCD.

 

Please please please could someone respond. I'm losing my mind here and need some sort of reassurance that I've come to the right place.

Edited December 27, 2016 by pmdt

[Guest pmdt]

Really hope someone can help me here and reassure me as well as point me in the right direction.

[PolarBear]

Reassurance is a form of compulsion and we try not to engage in other people's compulsions. You know it doesn't work. You said you seek reassurance from others but the doubt soon comes back and you want more reassurance, right? It's something you need to work on stopping. It's not doing you any good.

You have several themes going on. Have you looked at getting help from a qualified therapist?

[Guest pmdt]

Thank you so much for responding. I have never looked at help from anyone. I manage to go through periods not worrying about anything and being an extremely productive member of society. But then I get a trigger, from anything, that I've humiliated myself and let myself and others down socially, contracted and/or spread AIDs or that I might be arrested for some form of sexual deviancy (even though I haven't ever broken the law).

I understand completely about the reassurance. It just feeds it. So next time I have the thoughts I will seek the reassurance and the pathway gets stronger until it becomes habitual. I am a strong, respected, successful man in a lot of ways - this secret affliction just plagues me.

Based on what I've written, would you say that I've made a fair assessment of what is happening to me? I don't expect an official medical diagnosis, I'm just keen to know what others think.

I think engaging in false fantasy chat about seedy/dirty things is so embarrassing. So if for some reason it was deemed worthy of police investigation, the idea that people would know I've engaged in that chat once would be so humiliating. Unlike others I've read about on here I don't have a fear that I have or may do something illegal, I don't have intrusive thoughts per-se. My issue is this suddenly-emerging all-encompassing dread and fear that I have done something horrendous (based on real events - for example having sex unprotected or protected and convincing myself I've contracted AIDS), that is my fault, that I should feel guilty for and I would suffer public humiliation, isolation stigma and disgust.

Is this OCD?

[PolarBear]

Yeah it's still OCD. You're getting intrusive thoughts that you might get HIV and that you could be caught in an embarrassing situation. In response you perform compulsions, including reassurance seeking.

[Guest EX-SUFFERER OF OCD]

@PolarBear I am also an ex-sufferer of OCD! The only symptom that i still deal with is difficulty communicating (especially verbally) with other people sometimes... But my entire social circle knows of this so its not even like a big deal. I would be stoked to get your contact info or something like that, i am trying to grow the ex-sufferer community. I link my reddit name, i am the mod of /r/lifeafterocd ,,, wishing you more good times - Connor ... i like how you don't use private messenger, i dont do that either!!! haha #exsuffererprobs ... Way better to keep things public, would rather not endure mini traumas caused by malicious PM's (thats my experience)