Odd question

[Koala17]

Hi,

I have a bit of an odd question, and was wondering if anyone had any thoughts on it. Most of the obsessions that people have seem to be, although irrational, quite clear-cut in what they describe. For example, someone who has a fear of harming their child could obsess that if they didn’t pick up a particular object in a particular way, it might fall and injure said child. This could be very unlikely, but it is still obvious what they are worrying about, and some kind of exposure therapy could theoretically be planned to counter it.

My OCD seems to be quite unusual in that I will quite often be having the usual stream-of-consciousness thoughts, but my mind will suddenly ‘snag’ (for want of a better word) on something without me really understanding why it might bother me, and it will then cause me an inordinate amount of stress wondering what on Earth had bothered me about it.

For example, about 6 months ago my cousin was talking to me about our grandparents’ house, and I had a vague mental picture of what she was talking about. When I later went to my grandparents’ house, I realised that the layout wasn’t quite as I’d imagined it, and found this really bothersome, as I hadn’t had an exact mental picture of the house at the time, but it suddenly became extremely important to me to be able to remember how I had imagined the house, as a point of comparison with the actual layout. Even though I could quite clearly understand that this was not vitally important to me in any conceivable way, I really struggled to shake off an irresistible urge to try and think about what I had pictured, with all the associated stress of, firstly, not being able to picture it, and secondly, not understanding why I felt it to be so important.

As a second example, today I was on a train (typically my OCD is worse when I am sitting about not doing much) and was reading a historical novel. One of the less important characters had a particular name that I remembered from childhood, and I remembered instinctively not liking the name at the time, though on second reading I found I didn’t mind it (so far, so normal). I then had the familiar ‘snagging’ feeling that there was something there that needed further thought, but shrugged it off with the thought that what had caused the ‘snag’ was probably the idea that a name may seem nice at some point, but later in life, further experiences may change your opinion on it. However, this concept is quite easy to grasp, and, true to form, my mind decided that this rational explanation could not possibly be the solution to whatever problem had prompted the thought to occur to me, and that there must be some other reason why my thoughts had ‘snagged’ on that particular name. Many hours later, I still have no idea, and still can’t even mentally frame the question that I want to ask myself. I just know that something bothered me about it.

I described for the first example experiencing a sort of terrible duality of obsession – the obsession itself and then a sort of secondary obsession with understanding why I needed to have an answer, or worrying that any answers I do come up with are somehow ‘missing the point’, and that there must be another ‘level’ beyond what I have comprehended the 'second time around'.

I think that when I was younger I used to suffer from a more ‘conventional’ form of OCD, and that my form of reassurance in later life has become to try and rationalise what my obsessions are about, as what really worries me now is having (or having had) an obsession with something for absolutely no reason. I think I can stomach the idea of wasting countless hours of my life being obsessed with something inconsequential, as long as I can articulate to myself what exactly it is that I am obsessing about! It’s almost like with ‘normal’ OCD I would focus on finding answers, whereas now I can’t even define the question!

I apologise, as this is quite an incoherent problem to want an answer to. It feels almost like a generalised anxiety disorder, as though I always need to be worrying about something, but unlike generalised anxiety disorder there are definite ‘focal points’ for my anxiety, but I can’t quite ‘tear down the veil’ and see what they are.

Any thoughts would be much appreciated!

[PolarBear]

I don't see this as being all that different from other forms of OCD.You're still having irrational intrusive thoughts and you're still trying to work them out with compulsions (notably ruminating). In both your examples, you have a situation where you think something is off but you have a difficult time figuring out exactly what that is. Therein lies the problem. You need to stop trying to figure it out. Leave it alone. It doesn't matter exactly why you feel the way you do. You just do. Accept that and go on without sitting there ruminating over it.

[Koala17]

Thanks Polar Bear. I notice that you are down as an 'ex-sufferer'. Do you find that just ignoring the thoughts worked for you?

[PolarBear]

It's part of a whole package. You don't just ignore thoughts and that's it, though it's a big part of recovery. I am on meds, which I responded well to. I went through relaxation therapy and learned how to relax and be mindful of the present (not worrying about the past or future). I took CBT, with cognitive work and understanding I had to identify and stop my compulsions. And I did ERP. I also became very educated about OCD.

[Emily]

I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND. I have this all the time!! The way that works best for me to handle is to tell myself "you don't know how you imagined it before and you can't draw a comparison" and I just make myself handle that thought without performing the compulsion of analyzing 

[Koala17]

Thanks Emily :-)