I can't do this anymore

[Rebekah2016]

I'm so low and down I can't cope anymore I don't know what to do. I know I haven't got OCD anymore and they I am serious problems. When I was feeding my daughter my mind told me to push the bottle into her mouth as if to choke her and I ended up pushing It in quite hard, it didn't choke her but it was still wrong to do. I honestly need some serious help, I've been for CBT but I don't think it's that I need, I genuinely think i need to be locked away now. I don't know why I keep reacting to my compulsions although it's not always what my mind says I ended up doing it on some sort of variations. Like when my mind told me to hit my daughter instead I just tapped her head. But tonight was the final straw as I could of seriously hurt her. My friends think it's post natal depression as I am feeling low and duicidal at the moment but it still doesn't explain the reaction to my compulsions. I need serious medical help. I'm too scared to feed her again incase I do it agsin. I don't know why I do it, I don't do it to cause any hurt, it's just as if I need to carry out the compulsion to stop my mind but it's not right to do it. I've had enough and have thought about just leaving my daughter with my mum and going off. I'm that down and depressed about it. I don't know where I can seek help because it isn't right what I'm doing and I'm convinced I'm just a psychopath and I don't have OCD 

[Wonderer]

Hiya, you're going through a rotten time and doubting u have OCD which is common in OCD sufferers, it sounds to me like ur testing which is also a common compulsion where u test to see if u would actually carry out the thought, if u wanted to choke her, u would. U didn't though because u don't want to, what u did was give in a little to see what would happen. U stopped yourself and didn't actually carry out your thought! I would definitely recommend u go back to ur doctor if ur suicidal though. Everything will be ok, it doesn't feel like it now but it will be xx

[Rebekah2016]

I did try to speak to the GP agsin but they said it would go in time. They've been so useless. I had to get my mum to feed her today as I had the horrible thoughts and urged to do it again. I just feel like I can't even stop myself anymore like I used to be able to. I don't actually believe it to be OCD anymore as like people say you don't react on thoughts like I have. I wish I could be normal and enjoy being a mum because I love my daughter so much. I think what hasn't helped is my daughter has been really poorly since she was 2 weeks old and it's been so draining as well as my partner having to go back to his home town to sort things out so I've been left to do it all on my own and it's really getting on top of me  xx

[Rebekah2016]

Also I find when I'm really down, low on energy or if I am alone or its night time my thoughts, urges and reactions become a good 10 times worse than during the day. I don't know why that is. I fed my daughter with a bottle earlier and had the same thought/urge but didn't do it whereas at nighttime I think I might have done. I don't understand myself at all and it is getting to be quite worrying now 

[Chelsie]

How old is your daughter?  Are you still under the midwife?  She might be more sympathetic than the gp. They are meant to be alert to signs of pnd 

[Wonderer]

Have u been put on any medication or offered any therapy? It won't just go away on its own, wish it did, then we'd all be able to do it without therapy! Chelsie asks a good question because when I had bad OCD around my kids I contacted my midwife even though my son was 14 months the old when it hit me! She was fantastic and a wonderful support! Stress makes things loads worse and with a sick baby and no partner around right now it's no wonder it's difficult for u!xx

[Rebekah2016]

My daughter is 9 weeks, we got discharged from the midwife at 2 weeks and have a health visitor now. She's a bit hit and miss when it comes to talking to her and can be a bit judgey sometimes. I did talk to my midwife in October before my baby was due and she referred me to the mental health unit but I've only been given my first appointment now for the 17th Jan. I've been here before and I didn't think much of it as the previous therapist kept asking if I had been abused and just couldn't believe I hadn't been and said he didn't understand why I had the thoughts if I'd never been abused which then made me question if I had or not. I'm on no medication yet as they said they wanted to hold off until the baby was here but I assumed I'd of been given a referral way before now so kept putting it off and with bring in hospital and the doctors with my daughter every week some times it was the last thing I was think of about. It's strange because it is only now that the thoughts are really strong to the point where I cannot cope. I thought they would of been like that at the beginning when it was baby blues not now xx

Edited January 15, 2017 by Rebekah2016

[Chelsie]

I've had a similar therapist in the past but maybe this time you'll get someone better.  If you don't get on with the health visitor, why not try phoning the midwife - she might be willing to help and,in my experience,they are excellent.  There should also be someone on call 24/7 too, so if you're feeling desperate they may be the best people to call.

[Wonderer]

Sorry I meant health visitor, thing is I know ur putting ur baby first with appointments and things but u deserve to sort yourself out too, everyone's different in regards to meds, I use them but others don't. However it wouldn't hurt to give them a try as ur quite severe at the moment, they can take the edge off and help u deal with ur therapy better. I think we've all had our fair share of therapists who don't know an awful lot about OCD, but the ones that do are out there so maybe this appointment will be a different story, my therapist knew off the bat I had OCD. I just met him last week, but I did have one before who didn't get it. Bring an ice breaker sheet with u, u can print one from this website, just to give them a heads up on what it is exactly ur going through. I had pesophike fears when mine were small but I done the same thing as Jessie, I just lost it one day and thought no, I cannot keep avoiding doing the things that every mum does because of an irrational fear, so I did the things I was supposed to and like Jessie my thoughts got less and less, sometimes they pop back in but i'm quick to dismiss them now, having a child is actually the biggest exposure u can do when ur thoughts Center around them! Remember u love ur baby more than life itself, if u didn't then these thoughts wouldn't bother u. I hope u get some proper help soon because u deserve it xx

[Pbrown]

Hi Rebekah I now what you are going through I had pre natal and post natal ocd and depression it's awful but with the right support you will get better.I actually didn't realise how common pre/post ocd was as Jessie has said it's an evil thinget trying to take your happiness away but don't let it .I'm currently having a relapse and need help again my son is 4 it's come bk with a vengeance but we will all fight this again and get through it sending hugs .you are more than welcome to message me if you wanted x to 

[Rebekah2016]

I'm so scared to try meds as I'm wary of the side effects and how they would make me feel. What I honestly can't understand is why I do react on the thoughts, like if I am on my own I can't be 100 percent certain I wouldn't react on it agsin. I can't explain why, I don't want to but it feels as if I can only put my mind at rest if i did do it. It's like As if once the horrible thought is carried out it goes away out of my mind for a while and I don't think about it again until it pops back in if that makes sense. It's like if I quickly do it the thought will go and I can carry on as normal. It's awful and I hate it, the thought of my baby being hurt is the most horrible thing in the world, I honestly do care about her so much, but then as soon as these thoughts come about I feel like a monster around her and I know I definitely dont deserve her at all. Xx

[Rebekah2016]

I've decided to given up my daughter to my mum, I ended up doing it again but this time I did it because I was so cross with how much she was crying.

I'm not safe around her anymore and I can't have her. I'd just rather be dead now, I can't believe I did it again I'm really not happy anymore, I can't get the thought or urge  out of my mind and it's as if my mind is saying until I hear her choke it won't go  I am too much of a danger to her to be left alone. I don't know where I can find any help 

[Wonderer]

Rebekah u are clearly very distressed, would u consider presenting yourself at the emergency department and ask to speak to a mental health professional from the crisis team? The can give u extra support and make sure ur ok, they will u understand anything u tell them, they've heard it all before.x

[Rebekah2016]

I sat down and told my mum everything, I felt a bit better being able to tell someone rather than bottling it up but I'm still not right. I am going to give the GP a call tomorrow for an emergency appointment and to see if I can get some medication. I love with my parents so if it gets too much I know I can ask my mum to take her st any time. All the rest of the time I'm absolutely fine with her, cuddles, nappies etc I'm fine but as soon as its time to feed I literally panic and that's when the urge comes back but I know if I don't start feeding her again I'm just giving in to the OCD but I'm also petrified to do it as I am terrified I won't be able to stop myself. It's just a horrible vicious circle and now my partner has said he can't be with me anymore because he can't cope with how I am. So now I just feel so low and worse x

[Wonderer]

I am so glad u have spoken to ur mum and I am really delighted u live with her, it's good to have such support around you. Definitely go to the doctors Rebekah, u deserve some relief, don't be afraid of meds, if they don't agree with u they will change them, or if u see ur therapist and decide to go without meds but throw yourself into therapy that's great too. But do it for YOU first of all and then ur daughter. The best thing u can do is maybe work yourself up to feeds, so maybe next time u sit next to ur mum while she feeds her, then build up to u maybe feeding her a little while ur mum sits beside u, keep building on that until u feel confident enough to be left alone completely to feed her, it will happen! As for ur boyfriend, I'm sorry, it's seems very unfair that he has left u in the midst of a terrible mental health issue that needs love and support, I don't know how u feel about giving him more information on the illness to help him understand it better and show him ur actively seeking help by seeing the doctor and therapist this week, maybe he would reconsider then? 

[Rebekah2016]

Thank you guys and thank you for your kind words and not being judgmental I truly appreciate it. I fed my little one whilst my mum was with me and did some breathing techniques and tried to change the subject in my mind. My mum has been really great at understanding and she's said to just get her if I cant feed her. I am hoping that my partner can change his mind, he has had quite a rough year with his mum passing, then getting used to a new baby and then moving so I can see how my health could be impacting on him and just hope he will hopefully change his mind x