Help - need some support as made a bad mistake

[Chelsie]

Feel the need of some support - I'm so sorry as haven't done a post like this for  a few days and was trying so hard to only post positives.

Those of you used to my posts will know about my contamination issues regarding blood.  I have reason to believe that there was some blood on the floor somewhere about 5 1/2 weeks ago and, whilst I didn't walk where it was, others did.  I feel that they spread the contamination on their shoes to other parts of the building where I regularly walk and that the contamination spread to my shoes and then from there to my car, my house, my family's houses etc. 

I find laundry very difficult as the dirty washing feels contaminated.  This has meant that my washing pile has grown and spread from the laundry basket to my bedroom floor. As it has been on the floor, it is doubly contaminated as it has been where feet/shoes have been.  I always take my shoes off at the door but my daughter often walks upstairs in hers and into my room - I ask her not to but also try not to make a big deal about it as don't want my OCD issues to affect her more than I can help it. 

Yesterday I did a load of washing.  As usual, before unloading it when it was finished I cleaned the seal etc with antibacterial wipes in case the dirty washing had touched there on its way into the machine. Most of the washing went into the tumble drier but the things I wanted to wear to go out that evening and a few bits for today I put on the radiators as the tumble dried is being temperamental at the moment.  Got dressed in clothes from the radiator and went out to a party last night etc. 

This morning I sorted out the washing on the radiator and fiddled around with the tumble drier to get it going etc. 

Then disaster struck - when I went to put on a new load of washing I noticed that I had not put the container of washing liquid into the previous wash the day before.  This means that the clothes I wore last night, the stuff that was in the tumble drier all night, the stuff that was laying on all the radiators etc was washed without any soap. Everything in the house now feels contaminated. Obviously I touched all this washing and actually wore some of it last night,meaning the contamination has spread to my car, my bed and anywhere else in the house I have touched. 

Part of my rational mind tells me this is a great opportunity - there is no way I can possibly clean everything I have touched in the past 22 or so hours. However, the other part is in a really anxious state.  I have put all the washing that has not yet been worn back in the washing machine with washing liquid this time and I'm itching to wipe out the tumble drier, the radiators etc. 

Why does this happen to me? I was making some really positive steps and, while I'm sure many of you will tell me this is exactly what needed to happen, it feels far too much too soon.  I know that hep c can be contagious indried blood got up to 6 weeks, so if this could have waited another 3 days it might have been just the push I needed.  It's just too soon and I don't know what to do. 

Edited January 15, 2017 by Chelsie

[taurean]

You do nothing. Clothes don't have to have washing powder to be washed,

It's not a disaster, its an opportunity.

Only you have this thing going on the timeline, others don't.  AS for the "contamination" spreading everywhere, what contamination? I see no issue, only those with this form of OCD are likely to consider that ;possibility. 

Why don't we? Becuase we see no threat or revulsion. If there had been an alert going out from an approporiate authority that we should act as if there was, we would have been made aware of it.

[Chelsie]

Thanks Taurean - you're a voice of reason. I am sitting here and feeling the anxiety reducing.  Really trying to reframe this into an opportunity. There is absolutely no way I can track back over everything I have come into contact with, so there's little point cleaning random things.  I wiped my phone and charger and the radiator in a bit of a frenzy earlier, but I made myself stop after that.  I've slipped back into my (thoroughly contaminated) bed and am reading my book as a distraction. 

I will do my best to make the most of this opportunity - warrior not worrier.

it's not easy, though  

[taurean]

Just now, Chelsie said:

Thanks Taurean - you're a voice of reason. I am sitting here and feeling the anxiety reducing.  Really trying to reframe this into an opportunity. There is absolutely no way I can track back over everything I have come into contact with, so there's little point cleaning random things.  I wiped my phone and charger and the radiator in a bit of a frenzy earlier, but I made myself stop after that.  I've slipped back into my (thoroughly contaminated) bed and am reading my book as a distraction. 

I will do my best to make the most of this opportunity - warrior not worrier.ben

it's not easy, though  

It's not easy, but it will get easier as you go along the road to recovery.

I have been assailed myself today with intrusive thoughts, so have been doing the necessary myself. Soemhow managed to get to my gym, work a few weights, have a shower and a coffee. Am now distracting with football and the laptop.

[Chelsie]

Thanks for being a cheerleader, Jessie! 

I'm keeping as strong as I can! 

[PolarBear]

Chelsie, remember that OCD lies. There never was any contamination to worry about.

Secondly, every compulsion you do solidifies in your mind that there was something wrong. The less compulsions you do the better.

[Chelsie]

Yes Polar Bear, you're right. The fact that there are so many things I could clean is helping - if I can't do everything, somehow it's easier to do nothing. 

[taurean]

I wonder how much "decontamination"  PolarBear has done today?  My bet is zilch - nothing. 

I have been down the gym handling the free weights that everyone else uses. No-one bothers to wipe those between users, and I don't. No doubt the clean team do wipe them though. 

If I use the aerobic machines, I wipe them with a hand towel to remove my sweat. That is a club rule. 

That health club has been there for 12 years and I have been a member all that time. Haven't heard of any contamination issues. 

[Suzi Q]

I can empathise with what you're going through Chelsie, my brain works in the same way regarding contamination! 

Some advise a therapist gave me once, is that sometimes you just have to say "**** it!" - and she did use those words! (she made me say it to my ocd!). You can't drive yourself crazy over things that other people wouldn't think twice about. Trust that the OCD is lying, as PolarBear said, and you don't need to worry about it anymore. 

I know it's tough, but hope you start feeling better. Keep resisting  

[Chelsie]

I've resisted pretty well after the initial cleaning of phone, charger and radiator!  Have to go out in the car in a mo - so that the real test.  Keep telling myself that I've touched everything so there's no point avoiding just a few things.  

[taurean]

2 minutes ago, Suzi Q said:

You can't drive yourself crazy over things that other people wouldn't think twice about.

Sadly of course that is what we do 

I think it is great to consider what non-sufferers would do, and why their response - or rather lack of response - would be rational, when ours isn't. 

We all have to challenge the base core beliefs that underpin the OCD, and shift the bad emotional reaction to deploying instead nice emotions 

We can also use diffusion. 

I took a little break today to see what my book on acceptance and commitment therapy says on this subject. 

Interestingly, of the six principals of ACT, the first four are deemed mindfulness elements. 

Amongst the defusion strategies that weaken the power of thoughts are saying them mentally with :

A Prefix like "I am having the thought that..." 

It can further be weakened such as "I am having the irrelevant, nonsensical, thought that...." 

We can sing it in to an impossibly appropriate I.e.totally inappropriate tune, saying effectively that it's all made-up mental chaff. 

And if we have doubts, we tell ourselves it's in all probability an OCD thought. And we should adopt an approach of indifference. 

It's not CBT - it doesn't get into the cognitive side, but this part is good. 

[Chelsie]

I will do it - no more compulsions.  Out for dinner and I will enjoy myself (and not drive anyone mad with my irrational behaviour!)

[taurean]

Great stuff, this is a road less travelled for you, but you now have some powerful allies on your side.