Having an extremely hard time

[hazydaze]

Hey everyone. Hope everyone is well.
I've been doing so great with my false memories now for quite some time. I mean, of course they attempt to intrude, my brain tries to come up with new ones virtually every day, but I've been deflecting them relatively well. 
However, something happened the other night that has really thrown me into a loop.
Someone close to me was confiding in me that she had been molested when she was a child. She had long ago dealt with everything, but was simply informing me. She described it in a way that, she said she "started getting memories" about it, and when I asked if she always remembered it she had said that she did sort of, but basically convinced herself it was a bad dream and couldn't admit it to herself. So obviously not exactly repression I'd say. 
But the way she worded that she "started getting memories" and she said stuff started being triggered by smells even, it really freaked me out.
What has really kept me going this whole time (almost 2 years) since I've started having false memories, was knowing that logically repressed memories don't exist.
But since I thought it would be inappropriate to grill her and have her describe to me how she remembered and when, I began googling, and since I didn't want to totally have a confirmation bias, I looked for "evidence" for repressed memories as well.
Point is, clearly I shouldn't have googled, but I just couldn't stand not having any answers in the moment. And I've totally gone and freaked myself out.. I feel, suddenly, in the past hour or so like I'm going to have a complete breakdown. I can't imagine going back to that place I was in with no way out. I'm starting to question whether I really did these terrible things again. I don't know what to do. I was finally feeling good about myself and I can feel it being ripped away.
Any help will be extremely appreciated. I'm really struggling right now.
 

[PolarBear]

Like you said, you shouldn't have Google. It's a compulsion and would never bring you any relief.

What you need to do is clamp down and do your best to stop thinking about this. Your girlfriend's words do not make your intrusive thoughts any more true than they were a week ago.

No doubt you are spiraling into rumination right now. You need to put the breaks on that. No good will come from you ruminating. Set it aside, dismiss it as irrelevant.

[Cupcake4]

Try your best to stop the researching and seeking reassurance. You are still doing so well and these blips can happen so try and get a hold of it now and recognise it for what it is. 

Sending a virtual hug  

[snowbear]

Hi hazydaze,

7 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Your girlfriend's words do not make your intrusive thoughts any more true than they were a week ago.

This is spot on. 

Your worry radar picked up on her words 'started getting memories' and in alert mode you went on to make a mental connection with the fear that your thoughts could be memories resurfacing. Making that initial connection in your thinking was where you went off the rails just as much as the later behavioural aspect of googling.

Try to become more aware of when you're reacting in knee-jerk fashion like this. When something triggers the worries pause and re-think whether your interpretation of what you heard is being biased by your fear. Look for another way to interpret what you're thinking. (There's always more than one interpretation for everything!)

9 hours ago, hazydaze said:

What has really kept me going this whole time (almost 2 years) since I've started having false memories, was knowing that logically repressed memories don't exist.

These kind of 'reassurance safety nets' can be useful in the early days while you start to get your head around things, but they are false reassurance and always fall apart eventually. (As you recently discovered when you heard something which contradicted your safety net, triggering new worries.) As you progress these self-reassurance techniques need to be replaced with more robust understanding of what's actually going on in your head. 

What you need to understand is your 'false memory' isn't anything to do with memory at all - it's just thoughts in the present moment.

Just because a thought is related to the past doesn't make it a 'memory' (false or real). Any more than having a thought about the future makes it a premonition or a prediction. 

They are just thoughts. Random ideas about possibilities and impossibilities. 

Accepting this may help you to relinquish the need to deny the existence of repressed memories in order to function. A thought is just a thought. Whatever it's time frame, it has no power to dictate the future or to change the past. Thinking it doesn't make it real. 

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

Sounds like me .

You are not alone with being the sufferer of the brain's ability to imagine things. 

The hard part for you is to sit with all those things it throws at you, this is however crucial if you one and for all wants to overcome this annoying disorder

Edited January 27, 2017 by OCDhavenobrain

[hazydaze]

On 1/26/2017 at 21:12, PolarBear said:

What you need to do is clamp down and do your best to stop thinking about this. Your girlfriend's words do not make your intrusive thoughts any more true than they were a week ago.

Thank you, PolarBear  this does indeed ring true. I really needed to hear that. My brain will just grab on to things and the alarm bells are so loud that I get really frightened, I didn't actually do too badly the first little bit after this event, but then I got the intense urge to google and I should have stopped myself.
 

On 1/26/2017 at 23:13, Cupcake4 said:

Try your best to stop the researching and seeking reassurance. You are still doing so well and these blips can happen so try and get a hold of it now and recognise it for what it is. 

Sending a virtual hug  

Thank you, Cupcake4  virtual hug received and returned! I appreciate the support. You are right, I do need to keep holding on to the fact that I have many successes with my OCD, even when they are just small sometimes. They all count, and I'm generally able to pull myself out of my slumps. But I usually need some help, which I'm so incredibly grateful that I receive here!

On 1/27/2017 at 05:41, snowbear said:

Your worry radar picked up on her words 'started getting memories' and in alert mode you went on to make a mental connection with the fear that your thoughts could be memories resurfacing. Making that initial connection in your thinking was where you went off the rails just as much as the later behavioural aspect of googling.

First off, thank you again for all the help and advice!!  
Absolutely true. That is what I feared, it made my brain's alarms go off immediately, and even though I resisted googling for awhile, I admit that I ruminated probably immediately too. 

On 1/27/2017 at 05:41, snowbear said:

Try to become more aware of when you're reacting in knee-jerk fashion like this. When something triggers the worries pause and re-think whether your interpretation of what you heard is being biased by your fear. Look for another way to interpret what you're thinking. (There's always more than one interpretation for everything!)

I really like this too, and to an extent I'd say that I did try to do that  I tried to remind myself of what else she had said, and didn't think that she was even describing repression really. 
It did seem like some gray area, one which I'm still not totally sure what she meant as I have not asked.

On 1/27/2017 at 05:41, snowbear said:

These kind of 'reassurance safety nets' can be useful in the early days while you start to get your head around things, but they are false reassurance and always fall apart eventually. (As you recently discovered when you heard something which contradicted your safety net, triggering new worries.) As you progress these self-reassurance techniques need to be replaced with more robust understanding of what's actually going on in your head. 

I think this is going to really help me, but can you please elaborate on what you mean by "false reassurance?" Do you just mean that any reassurance we give ourselves, even if it's true, is going to fall apart because OCD always finds a way to tear it apart?
(I'm trying to not assume that you meant repression is a real phenomenon lol, since my brain did go there! As we just talked about, must try to interpret differently  ) 

On 1/27/2017 at 05:41, snowbear said:

Just because a thought is related to the past doesn't make it a 'memory' (false or real). Any more than having a thought about the future makes it a premonition or a prediction. 

They are just thoughts. Random ideas about possibilities and impossibilities. 

Accepting this may help you to relinquish the need to deny the existence of repressed memories in order to function. A thought is just a thought. Whatever it's time frame, it has no power to dictate the future or to change the past. Thinking it doesn't make it real. 

This is really good too! 
As while I wouldn't say repression is logical, I will may never know with absolute certainty that it doesn't exist. (It's unethical to actually prove or disprove it scientifically.) I guess it just really squished my false memories (or helped to squish them) because that was one of the things my OCD would tell me made my false memories "possible." But to be fair, it's not just the idea of repression; my OCD has come up with so many different "ways that it was possible" scenarios in my head. But the idea of repression is the most scary to me so it sticks out the most. 
I suppose I'm not too sure where to go from here. It's so confusing when I have real and true memories that did happen in real life. Then I get these weirdo thoughts in my head that present as memories. Is there any way to distinguish it as OCD other than the fact that it causes me anxiety and I begin to ruminate? 

Sorry for more questions! Thanks in advance if and when you have some time to answer them: I appreciate all the help xo
 

On 1/27/2017 at 06:37, OCDhavenobrain said:

The hard part for you is to sit with all those things it throws at you, this is however crucial if you one and for all wants to overcome this annoying disorder

Thank you for your response! 
Oh, I agree! So hard, the anxiety can be crazy, the urge to perform compulsions like a near unstoppable force. But you're right; I'll (and we'll) never get over OCD unless we discontinue compulsions.
Best of luck to you  



Thanks again to everyone who took the time and effort to respond to this thread and help me out. I appreciate it so much!

 

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

We are addicted to compulsions, and asyou may know do you get withdrawls when you stop taking a drug, so will we.

 

There will be pain and anxiety. 

[snowbear]

15 hours ago, hazydaze said:

can you please elaborate on what you mean by "false reassurance?" Do you just mean that any reassurance we give ourselves, even if it's true, is going to fall apart because OCD always finds a way to tear it apart?
(I'm trying to not assume that you meant repression is a real phenomenon lol, since my brain did go there! As we just talked about, must try to interpret differently  ) 

Yes, that's essentially what I meant. Any kind of 'it's impossible therefore I'm safe' mantra can be quickly undermined by even a suggestion that the impossible might be possible after all. If you've been using the belief it's impossible like a crutch it's easy to have the crutch kicked from under you and end up back in full panic mode.

Well done for taking that moment to pause and re-evaluate what your OCD wanted you to think.  

15 hours ago, hazydaze said:

I get these weirdo thoughts in my head that present as memories. Is there any way to distinguish it as OCD other than the fact that it causes me anxiety and I begin to ruminate? 

I think your main clue that it's not a memory is indeed the anxiety and rumination.

You probably 'know' at some level that it isn't a memory, but the fear it might be means you treat it as a memory and it's the reaction of treating it as a memory which creates the sense that it is 'presenting as a memory'. So awareness of your immediate fear response and pausing to reassess is again useful.

[hazydaze]

On Sunday, January 29, 2017 at 07:06, OCDhavenobrain said:

We are addicted to compulsions, and asyou may know do you get withdrawls when you stop taking a drug, so will we.

 

There will be pain and anxiety. 

I totally agree with this!! It actually feels kind of like withdrawal not doing compulsions. Good analogy, I'm a recovering alcoholic actually so I like stuff put into neat terms like that.

Thanks for responding

Edited February 2, 2017 by hazydaze

[hazydaze]

Thank you for your reply too, Snowbear! I'm on my cell phone right now; I'd like to read it over better when I get home later tonight and then I'll respond

[hazydaze]

On 1/29/2017 at 13:19, snowbear said:

Yes, that's essentially what I meant. Any kind of 'it's impossible therefore I'm safe' mantra can be quickly undermined by even a suggestion that the impossible might be possible after all. If you've been using the belief it's impossible like a crutch it's easy to have the crutch kicked from under you and end up back in full panic mode.

Well done for taking that moment to pause and re-evaluate what your OCD wanted you to think.  

Hello again! Sorry for the delayed response, and thank you so much again for replying. 
Ok, great advice it's so true. Even if the undermining reasons are illogical sometimes, they still cause me crazy anxiety. I can't tell you how many "reasons" my brain has come up with over the last almost 2 years to try to convince me that something happened, or at least could have. That really rings true for me, and I'm sure for all of us!
I'm not totally sure what I should be saying to myself. Or is the best option to say nothing? Simply just go, that's OCD, and let it go? That sounds wonderful frankly  albeit difficult. Obviously my brain tries to convince me it isn't OCD though. Sorry if I'm not wording this very well! I'm just curious if there's any sort of mantra I could or should be saying to myself?
Thank you  yes it's good for me to take a step back and rethink things sometimes!!
 

On 1/29/2017 at 13:19, snowbear said:

I think your main clue that it's not a memory is indeed the anxiety and rumination.

You probably 'know' at some level that it isn't a memory, but the fear it might be means you treat it as a memory and it's the reaction of treating it as a memory which creates the sense that it is 'presenting as a memory'. So awareness of your immediate fear response and pausing to reassess is again useful.

Thanks, yes I'd have to agree. The symptoms of the OCD do tell us that it's OCD basically. 
I would have to agree with that too mostly. The "mostly" part stands from my doubt, and my moments where it has felt SO real that I've almost felt like I "knew it happened." But I've chalked that up to being simply feelings, and usually the cause of extensive ruminating, though sometimes those immense feelings of the false memories feeling real can come on very suddenly, and it scares me, feeling like "do I know this happened?" If that makes sense. But as I believe you were articulating, my fear can create those emotions. Is that correct? 
I want to add that there are so many moments when I feel I have clarity that my false memories are just that - false memories.

Thanks so much again!  

[snowbear]

14 minutes ago, hazydaze said:

I'm just curious if there's any sort of mantra I could or should be saying to myself?

Saying any mantra is a self-reassurance compulsion. So, the answer is none. Once you suspect it's an OCD thought it's best to simply allow the thought to be there without making any kind of response - verbal, mental, or ritual of any kind. 

17 minutes ago, hazydaze said:

my moments where it has felt SO real that I've almost felt like I "knew it happened." But I've chalked that up to being simply feelings, and usually the cause of extensive ruminating

Exactly so. It's the ruminating and fear that convinces you it might be real. 

[hazydaze]

2 hours ago, snowbear said:

Saying any mantra is a self-reassurance compulsion. So, the answer is none. Once you suspect it's an OCD thought it's best to simply allow the thought to be there without making any kind of response - verbal, mental, or ritual of any kind. 

That makes sense, thanks  

2 hours ago, snowbear said:

Exactly so. It's the ruminating and fear that convinces you it might be real. 

Thank you, this helps as well.
As I said above, sometimes the false memories feel immensely real even before the ruminating begins, like right when the thought pops in my head it just feels real.. but is that my fear that causes that feeling? Sorry for asking more questions, I promise I'll wrap this up ASAP, I just want to make sure I understand correctly.

Thanks again  I really appreciate it!

 

Edited February 3, 2017 by hazydaze

[snowbear]

Yes, I would say it's the fear making the memory (thought) feel real. Think of it this way - we evolved to be wary of danger. If stone age man saw a glint in the long grass he didn't stand there pondering whether it was a lion's eyes watching him or just a flicker of sunlight - he reacted as if it was a lion about to eat him.

If a fearful thought the equivalent of 'is that a lion' pops into your mind you'll believe it's a lion because of the fear. Only afterwards (after running a safe distance away) will you start to question whether it might not have been a real lion after all. 

Just remember we aren't slaves to our instincts, we have the ability to think too. So when you have a thought that scares you, even if your instinct kicks in and makes it feel real you are then able to pause and choose how to think about it next, how to interpret it, what to do about it, whether to accept it as real, dismiss it as just a thought, or to allow the fear to consume you while you ruminate over it endlessly in typical OCD fashion. 

[hazydaze]

On Friday, February 03, 2017 at 17:05, snowbear said:

Yes, I would say it's the fear making the memory (thought) feel real. Think of it this way - we evolved to be wary of danger. If stone age man saw a glint in the long grass he didn't stand there pondering whether it was a lion's eyes watching him or just a flicker of sunlight - he reacted as if it was a lion about to eat him.

If a fearful thought the equivalent of 'is that a lion' pops into your mind you'll believe it's a lion because of the fear. Only afterwards (after running a safe distance away) will you start to question whether it might not have been a real lion after all. 

Just remember we aren't slaves to our instincts, we have the ability to think too. So when you have a thought that scares you, even if your instinct kicks in and makes it feel real you are then able to pause and choose how to think about it next, how to interpret it, what to do about it, whether to accept it as real, dismiss it as just a thought, or to allow the fear to consume you while you ruminate over it endlessly in typical OCD fashion. 

Thank you so much again. A very good response, one that I'm sure I'll be looking back at xo. And a great analogy as well

[mel_b]

 

On 2/3/2017 at 19:05, snowbear said:

Yes, I would say it's the fear making the memory (thought) feel real. Think of it this way - we evolved to be wary of danger. If stone age man saw a glint in the long grass he didn't stand there pondering whether it was a lion's eyes watching him or just a flicker of sunlight - he reacted as if it was a lion about to eat him.

If a fearful thought the equivalent of 'is that a lion' pops into your mind you'll believe it's a lion because of the fear. Only afterwards (after running a safe distance away) will you start to question whether it might not have been a real lion after all. 

Just remember we aren't slaves to our instincts, we have the ability to think too. So when you have a thought that scares you, even if your instinct kicks in and makes it feel real you are then able to pause and choose how to think about it next, how to interpret it, what to do about it, whether to accept it as real, dismiss it as just a thought, or to allow the fear to consume you while you ruminate over it endlessly in typical OCD fashion. 

Great analogy