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i thought depression wasnt this.


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OCD Awareness Week - Fact 6
The average age for OCD onset is early twenties in women and late adolescence in men, but can affect children as young as 6 or 7.

yes i started medication from 8 (though this was 1995 and i wasnt yet diagnosed with ocd but a deep detachment disorder) and from 12 onwards i thought i knew sadness. i always thought i knew what ocd is in me too. im now that depressed that although im not suicidal (its not in my person to take my life) i am back to so deeply detached people cannot see my ocd behavior. neglect is taking me slowly into rot and infection. i havent cleaned up in a year now. i asked for help, they said the cbt wouldnt sort out the problem i have which is someone has taken completely my self belief in what is real what is just annd what i am. it doesnt help when others around me reaffirm whaty i believed and the injustice is such that i dont care about life. i dont care about any of it. im just existing now. i wont kill myself but ialso wont look both ways on the road, i keep hoping every flash outside is an asteroid extincting humans for the destruction that there already is for us. i break down in emotional fits of tears which are the only times i feel anymore. ocd has left me. germaphobia has left me. all i have was avoidance and detachment. i dont have hope, i dont feel there is any help.

oh, and i also have my first medical in 5 years at the jobcenter in a few days. i dont care if they take my benefits away, ive been homeless before, it was easier to be this way back then.

Edited by Ashley
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You wish us all dead by extinction?  Cheers....

What is it you want us to say Zeradin?    We can try and help, we can offer advice, and suggestions that might help, but  I fear we can only help once you choose to try helping yourself first.  That might be accepting you still need more help, and starting to ask others, maybe us, maybe your GP what help is available.  But you have to want the help, reading that I am not sure you do? 

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Oh wow U poor thing. I am so sorry ur in such a deep depression, there is definitely help there if u just reach out and get it, things seem hopeless when we are depressed but there is definitely a blue sky behind all those dark clouds. Do u have any family and friends u can call on for some support? I know you say u won't kill yourself, thankfully, however the symptoms you describe about not looking when crossing the road or wishing an asteroid is upon us are definitely suicidal ideation, please speak to a doctor about this! I hope u feel better soon, here if u need to talk. Xx

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On 11/15/2016 at 16:46, zeradin said:

im trying to keep hold of feeling anything . i had an assessment for new cbt goals and it turns out that the current predicament im in would not allow it to work. once resolved they believe my normal cbt conditioning will kick back in from past sets.

i havent seen my daughter in 7 months. due to an injustice of a grandmother who is delusioned into thinking she is saving her from me (she believes that im an emotionless junkie who is out just for myself) 

she doesnt have the right. i had to fight 2 years of this just to get access in the first place from the mother (who actually is a selfish borderline personality) to be declared fit. and a good father. 

she is making impossible injustices that are more diabolical than anything i was abused by in the past.

when im with my daughter my ocd is not foremost... its bliss.

and now there is nothing... there is no feelings... there is no fight left.... i cant  fight anymore... there is no winning... everyone involved has already lost no matter how it ends

 

 

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i fought for access before and won. this time due to special measures (against her mother) my daughters grandmother has full parental management rights. its an order that cannot be reversed through the courts until she turns of age. its an order i was told by solicitors i cannot contest the application of because out of spite i wasnt put down on the birth certificate. the access order i had was null and void. the problems i had was that i always looked exhausted. because i was. i cannot sleep without my mirtazapine. i was worried how the grandmother was coping. all she saw was i came from the same crowd that her daughter was mixed with (she is a habitual amphetamine user), i was an emotionless person who only looked out for my own gains. 

no regard to the fact i wont react on principal to events around me as they occur because my illness dictates an inability to process the emotions felt at the time as anything but panic. the fact i had no money to do anything special but one day out a week (out of 3 nights in a row access) because i was still paying off debts from christmasses and birthdays in a foolish attempt to compete with the quality of the presents my daught could expect from her actual parents. my place was spotless when she arrived and messy by the time she leaves because i like to spend all the time doing things my daughter would enjoy. 

its an attempt in everyones view to retry upbringing her properly and not feel she was a bad mother by redeeming her failings made to her own daughter. the woman is all about image and not about the behind the scenes. she has to keep up appearances. layla was always patient and did as she was told for me, even at her grandmothers. they couldnt control her. when i told her off i explained why and what she did wrong and shown her how to learn from it. they sent her to bed and then  let her come back down once they decided and that was that.

apparently this made me a control freak. there is no more information i can put on here now. except i was angry my daughter was learning to say what she thought the adult wanted her to say and not what she actually did. ie; what did you do yesterday was it fun?, "no daddy made me read instead of let me watch my favorite show" turns into no we stayed in and i didnt get to watch what i wanted. and my favorite, daddy wouldnt let me play on the park, which is due to me having to rely on busses to travel to go places like the jango's aand couldnt miss it.  

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5 hours ago, zeradin said:

 i was angry

Hi Zeradin,

You're clearly still very, angry. It leaps off the page. :ohmy: 

Justified anger maybe, but keeping hold of this anger isn't helping you just now. :no: 

For the moment you need to try to set your anger aside and sort a few practical things out. You can always come back and pick up the banner again in the future. Remember, when you're well you'll be able to fight more effectively instead of feeling the weight of injustice without having the mental clarity or energy to right any of the wrongs.

Practical things to sort:

1. you say your home was spotless when your daughter visited in the past. Great!  But you said on another thread that you're not maintaining cleanliness at present and that you have compulsive rituals such as re-bathing and not touching the floor with bare feet. :unsure: So start working towards a clean flat and good self-care. Imagine if circumstances changed overnight (eg. grandmother became seriously ill) and a social worker popped in to check the flat was suitable place to bring up your daughter and to assess if you were a fit father.... What would they conclude from how you're living just now? Aim to get rid of those disruptive rituals that currently dictate how you live. 

2. you're clearly ruminating about what has happened to bring you to where you are now. It was unfair, unjust. You've every right to be angry. BUT it's in the past. Thinking about it, raging about it, crying about it - none of these will change anything. It's hard to let go of anger, especially if it feels like the only emotion you have left and all that's keeping you going. But anger drives your thoughts endlessly along a race track with no marked finish line, and no alternative routes or detours. No wonder it can feel like you're going round in pointless circles! Allow yourself to take some time out from being angry. Stop yourself in your tracks whenever your thoughts drift to what's happened in the past. Shift your focus towards the future. Make plans. Create an image in your mind of what you'd like the future to look like and start building it for yourself, brick by brick. Goal by goal. 

3. when you catch yourself thinking, 'it's pointless trying, I can't get custody, I can't change what's happened' :( the chances are you've drifted back to the past in your thoughts again. The past was full of disempowerment, injustice, and things that worked out badly. But dwell there in your thoughts and your future will just be more of the same misery you've got now. If you want things to change, if you want to be mentally fit and ready to fight your corner you need to put some of that anger to better use. Don't sit there fuming, getting punched by hopelessness. :blink: 

Turn your anger against the world into action to fight the OCD and depression.  :sport_boxing:

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yes it is.

im just tired, and lost, im reassured that one day my daughter will realise the way things are but that is years off. in the mean time im overwhelmed knowiong in my head that she will continue believing that its ok to be giving no reason to cause and effects. not learning past excuses. why does she seek any attention through any behavior? oh shes having a hard time because her parents dont want her. why is she acting up at school?  (i know this she goes to school with my best friends daughter even though she is told firmly by her grandmother she isnt allowed to talk to her) oh its because she is having a hard time knowing what she is feeling.. not the reality of she is used to being told off and not knowing what she has done wrong apart from the only time someone is directing her personally is when they are telling her that she is getting in the way. not sharing time together doing the things they practice at school like crafts or reading or playing games, adults dont have the time to do them things so obviously it must not be important. when she does get the interaction she cant trust it because it isnt structured its when adults want to and then she constantly tries to get out of the situation by starting to do other things like telling you about gossip in the playground or what she is going to watch on tv later. stuff that she can rely on because adults go away without warning not knowing why. she only knows they feel something towards her when they are snapping at her or telling her forget it you obviously arent worth my time.  she is alone and being given no time. no one to ask her what she thinks avbout stuff going on. no one asking what she feels.

i never gave excuses for what i was. i stated the facts of the situations i was in. i never let anyone excuse me. they cannot show her the reasons behind actions of others and by doing so they teach her she is not held accountable for her actions if another excuse can say she is supposed to be unruly. keeping up appearances will set her out to have all the abandonment issues they refuse to give attention to

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im angry at the injustices done to layla. the complete denial of working towards the best interests of her life. yes i am no doubt co dependent but if you look at my history of posts on here you would see multiple sentences referring to how im not suffering the symptoms of my illness whilst she is with me. i act with a kind of premapped proccess to what needs doing that doesnt stimulate my looping cognitions

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Ruminating over what your daughter 'must' be thinking and feeling like this is pointless. :no: 

You can't possibly know what she is thinking or feeling. Any thoughts you have about this topic are simply projections of your own feelings onto her.

You can't assume that what she says and does reflects her true feelings and isn't just a child saying what she's been told to say to please the adults she currently depends on for her everyday needs.

Stop wasting time wondering. Put your energy into something you do have control over - fixing you. :flex: 

 

You can't rely on your daughter's presence to sort your OCD. :no:  What kind of dad depends on his child to fix his own problems anyway? What kind of madness is it to attach a condition to your OCD getting better when that condition is currently impossible to meet and may remain impossible for some time? That's like giving yourself a life sentence to suffer your OCD without any chance of parole!

So, when she's was around you noticed a reduction in symptoms, yes?

OK. But it's important not to fall into the trap of thinking it's your daughter's presence which improves your OCD. Holding onto that (false) belief condemns you to a life of misery unless she comes to live with you.

Instead you need to realise it's the state of mind you were in when you were with her that made the symptoms recede. 

You were relaxed and happy, so your OCD temporarily went away. Happens to us all. :) 

The trick is to learn how to create that relaxed and happy state of mind for yourself without any external requirements or conditions needing to be met. Then you can turn it on like a tap whenever you want. 

Your happiness is then independent of your current circumstances be they good or bad. That's freedom. That's power. That simple trick is the cure for depression and OCD. All it takes is a little CBT and a lot of practice. :) 

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45 minutes ago, snowbear said:

What kind of madness is it to attach a condition to your OCD getting better when that condition is currently impossible to meet and may remain impossible for some time?

you were the one who helped me with this other post. i  know you are a highly active responder so to refresh

 

On 11/14/2016 at 14:01, zeradin said:

My sister from an early age showed genetic inheritence of schizophrenia. triggered from the introduction of our stepfather, the destruction of our family from violence abuse and secrets, and then the reintroduction of our stepfather, the destruction of our family etc. etc..

It occurred to me a few days ago that when my sister was being observed for diagnosis, i was prescribed amytriptiline. something i now know that they didnt usually prescribe to 8 year olds. and this is grating to me... as i dont remember ocd holding me at all back then. just blinding headaches. 

what then happened is my sister begged to be put in foster care and i refused to go. i couldn't live with leaving. that prospect i lived through was the best it was at any point because mainly i didnt know that life wasnt supposed to be full of abuse and witnessing helplessly as someone wwho you love and idolise is allowing herself to be beaten. 

thats when the ocd appeared. the problems came from memories of abusive punishments to trivial things  i was told to do being not to satisfaction. a flash to having my head shoverd in a washing up bowl halfway through dishes comes to mind.

 

anyways these days me and my sister are really close. she needs help alot and wont go to anyone else. she explains to me what its like in her head.

its like the thoughts and ideas are not recognised in her voice. she cant trust the voices because no one else can hear them but at the same time seem to act as if reacting the way the voices excpected. the coincidences draw up false conclusions that they cant be real but they also cant be this correct so often about the expected behaviors of  others that dont hear them so they must be there to warn her that everyone wants to trap her in their hidden intentions.

i relate. I hear thoughts and ideas and know they were my own. but i also can see the behaviors of others acting how i imagine they would. the counterproduct draws up false conclusion that they must also hear their thoughts and ideas and yet choose to behave how i see they should to my interaction. thhis so concludes that they cant be real people and this isnt the real world because they are all acting how i imagined they should which makes you feel your own thoughts were not your own. compounded by repetition of acknowledgement do i need to behave that i cant trust what i know because i have known other things that weren't  supposed to be real in my childhood.?

 

either way we both cant help but feel lonely from the selves we live with.

 

sorry there isnt a real question or need for advice here. my current turmoil (from a few posts back) prevent me from being able to fight the paradox at the moment. i really thought that saying this here wasnt so you could relate as its not a situation that should actually happen in real life in my view to anyone, but so i could get something off my chest without an expected response because then the world would feel for me just briefly not unreal, not simulated. not happy. but actually still a feeling that i need to feel because i am so hollow right now that i am begging for the end of everything. i have never considered suicide and never will take my life. but its wrong that i really want a murderer to against all odds decide to target my home as his next target. or for a plane to crash against all odds on a pathway through my house.

i have never needed reassurance..... i have needed to know they dont need to question my inability

 

Edited by zeradin
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42 minutes ago, Jessie_Loz said:

Zeradin I'm no professional but based on your past could you be dealing with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? Your childhood sounds awful and you still hold alot of anger which I'm sure anyone would in those circumstances. 

Please don't wish on such awful the things happening to you as u feel so alone think of your daughter even though you don't see her at the moment you are still her daddy and in time you can change your life around you just need to realise that it is possible to get better :yes:

Jess

X

jessie have you been looking at my post history before hitting the nail on the head? :a1_cheesygrin: you would see the one in 2010 where my daughters mother stabbed me when she was high . i have been on mirtazapine ever since because of the flashes. im nnot going into the details on it because i cant seem to find the post, il check again and quote it for you

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On 4/18/2011 at 21:11, zeradin said:

nadean my ex stabbed me last sat

in front of layla my daughter

and im so ashamed of retaliating

i nutted her and hit her twice whilst she was hitting me

but because she a woman they released her and arrested me

twisted my words in my interview into a confession

when i said i was ashamed of hitting back in front of layla they saw that as me using excessive force

im on bail

social worker gave layla back to nadean friday

im only allowed supervised visits after pending investigation

1 hour a week

best bit

he said dont defend prosecution cus if im innocent and they go after her then because im homeless layla goes into care

i miss her so much

she was all i had

then at solicitors i read letter from hers, and its blatently different to the police details i was made aware of during my interview

its not right its sexist. im scarred for life on my right arm and my middle finger is numb. i cant bend my wrist back or make a fist cus it feels like knives inside my arm. why is telling the truth such a mistake? i have no faith in this system i have abided by respectfully. its punishing me for honesty. why was she given time to make up a story in her cell and why was it ok to interview me knowing i have ocd and then pushing my anxiety to make me relive the moment over and over again.

i cant get the event out of my head. its there all the time. i cant carry on

she has new injuries not covered by the interview by the police yet she has been let off freely whilst im punished. im not a violent man i walk out out every time it gets heated so answer this. how can the police make this choice not knowing anything about me or her. and why would i stop in the situation this one time? i cant carry on

im going to miss layla’s birthday because she can lie very well and play the victim

i dont want to live

 

On 4/19/2011 at 01:22, zeradin said:

gp put me on mirtazapine and said my injuries need referral. solicitor says knowing the history (to one point where she was rang by my ex and told im not the father) that i should not settle for less than truth. im next going to post up my full recount to every detail as sent to nadeans mother who sorted my injuries sent me to hospital and got her arrested for it.

 

On 4/19/2011 at 01:23, zeradin said:

Hello. Im not sure how much of my perrspective you know but seeing as the only ones that believe me are the hospital shaun and lesley I feel a need not to justify myself. I shouldn't have retaliated at all but a need to at least have acknowledgement that I have tried to show what I mean to say. In no way at all am I portraying I am blameless but giving a point of view of the event that happened last saturday.

I woke up just before layla as to get a cigarette so I dont have to smoke whilst she eats breakfast. I had ran out the night before where because I was tired I went up to sleep at about 10 after doing the pots but as I was reading a book in layla's room didnt go to sleep until about half 11. nadean had asked me to sleep in her bed as she wasn't going to use it for her mate ricky was coming round with some Mcat which she said she wanted to try. I was stopping over because as an excuse for seeing more of Layla I said Nadean needed help because of how stressed she was looking. I had asked her that night if she hates me. She replied whilst messing with her eyes in the mirror (due to amphetamine and her usual habits that ensue). She said “oh lee far from it, so far from it.”

to which I enquired why it seems she avoids the times when its just us two in a room to which she told me it's because I always act too deep with what I say and she doesn't want to have a heart to heart.

I said to her that if she answered my questions then I wouldnt ask them everytime We were alone. She then said that the reason was that if she answered them it would put her in too much of a thoughtful mood which she didnt want seeing as she always ends up thinking about me and her and feels bad. I asked her why to which she said because there is too much history there. I then told her everything I was feeling to which was around the fact I am not jealous of anyone she goes with for the fact I dont have anything to prove I just want her to be happy with someone who puts her first instead of her having to keep them happy. I will be sending my chat log of one example of this we spoke about.

She said she knew thats what I wanted for her. I told her that was it. Told her I loved her and was unhappy with the fact she wouldn't think about us as a way forward. She then said she could not forgive the fact I left her whilst pregnant and thats why she criticizes me and contradicts my assertiveness towards layla. I then told her the reason I left her was because I could not stand by and watch her take drugs whilst she was pregnant because it would end up with me hating her.

I told her then that I regret it and that as with my journal anything she said was her thoughts and would not get any response. She then said she has thought about “us” many times but cant let go ever of the fact that I wasnt there. I said ok. Then asked if there was any chance at all of us being a family.

To this she said she didnt want to answer the question because I wouldn't like the answer. I said just say it, so she did. I would never be forgiven she said and she wouldnt get with me for that.

I said ok then said im going to bed. To prove what I said of what she said not being contested.

Anyways I asked her in the morning if I could have a cigarette, to which she said I had my own, to which I said I ran out and she said no. as I left the front room, in which she was sat in the chair at her laptop and the ricky dude was asleep on the window sofa she accused me of stealing her packet of richmond she brought the day before but went missing on the journey from the shop to home. I responded with “You paranoid bitch”!.

I managed to scrape a cigarette from leftove granules and then got layla up. Got her dressed and gave her her bottle. I then put on a dvd for her whilst I got her breakfast ready. I felt it was a cereal day but there was no milk so instead I put 3 slices of bread under the grill, 1 for her and 2 for me. Got the margerine out and squirty jam. When I checked on the toast I saw the green patches of mould on it so threw it away. Went to nadean in the front room and asked her what time the shop opened. She said in a patronising way that it opened at half 6. I then asked if I could get some money to buy bread or milk. She said why bluntly and I said because there aint any milk for cereal and the bread was mouldy. She said the bread was ******* fine. I asked her why she was being a **** with me to which she hissed why do you think. I said I dont know. She hissed again because I called her a paranoid bitch in front of ricky, scotts best friend.

I then responded with well you are being paranoid. She said “Carry on”. I thought **** it and fetched the bread in and tossed it to her saying you check it out then. She did and said it was fine and stop ******* around and sort it out. I said smell it to which she snapped she doesnt have to. I fetched the toast with green spots on out of the bin and said there look. And she wouldnt. I ripped up all the bread knowing mould runs through a whole loaf not just the visible bits. She once again said “Carry on”. I said she aint eating that. She said fine she aint eating any breakfast at all then. I said she has to eat something. I stormed into middle room and the door hit the wall, she stormed following me as I went shouting at me saying various ways of me having to do as she said because im scum. I went into the cutlery drawer to find the tin opener to get something out of a tin for layla's breakfast, I slammed down the cutlery tray a little in anger of the fact nadean wouldnt stop goin off at me, a knife fell out inbetween me and nadean near layla who was still holding a bowl of dry cereal I had given her to preocupy her whilst I found some breakfast. Nadean stated out I was being a ***** and layla dropped her bowl. Nadean demanded I clean it up and I said no, **** that why dont she try being a parent too and help me out instead of getting ******, to which she said I was only saying that because I didnt have any drugs left. I ignored it and said **** it im leaving.

At this point I went to the front room and grabbed my laptop bag and turned to get my laptop cooler from under her laptop. She had the knife in her hands and said I wasnt leaving. I said im not stopping here to be treated like **** and maybe she should put her daughter first instead of her drug habit. I walked past her to which she slashed half heartedly at my back. And said I would never be her dad and she would never give me parental responsibility, at which I had already given up on hoping for, put my bag on the changing table and still listening to put downs, as I turned around she had her back to me and so I hooked her arms with one of mine and grabbed the knife out of her hand whilst she couldnt use it. I cut my finger there. She told me if I went that was it there was nothing left for me there and I would never see layla again. I put the knife on the side in the kitchen and checked my black satchel bag. Realising I left my ds upstairs I went to fetch it, I had to push past nadean who was in the kitchen doorway and she said over and over that I was scumbag and not worthy of layla if I left. I grabbed my ds, noticed I was bleeding, put it in my pocket and went downstairs, she had the knife again and was brandishing it saying “ I'm warning you now, if you leave...” I said What? She said “you will see. I tried to get passed her again to put my ds in my black satchell and then saw my arm. I saw blood pouring from my inner forearm and stared in shock. I looked at her she still had the knife, I acted automatically and screamed in her face “DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE!!!” she said I did it myself by not doing as im told at which point I headbutted her whilst she tried to shove the knife in my direction. I grabbed her arm so she couldnt and when I connected she stumbled backwards. I realised what I had done and felt so intensely betrayed by my self control and the realisation that she would actually do this to me. I stormed pass her to get my laptop bag at which she started hitting me. I put up with it until she kicked me in the balls at which I hit her again. She squealed with pain and I shouted stop ******* hitting me. She carried on hitting me and taunted that I should be happy im just liike my dad now. I grabbed my bag and tried to get pass her. She hit me in the mouth where I had a sharp edged tooth from dentist prep which I had shown her the day before. It hurt so much I hit her again and screamed **** off!!!. I then heard the screaming layla was doing I had dropped my laptop bag. Nadean grabbed it as I grabbed my satchell and threw it at me screaming look at layla!!!. look at what you have done!!!! I stared at layla numb and just saw what mess she was in. I stopped. I looked at layla with shock at the events and said im sorry baby. Nadean threw my bag at me and said just ******* go. I did. I started walking down the street but then realised I couldnt get on a bus in my state, I was pouring blood. I came to yours. I was crying my heart out. You sorted it all out. I said a small version of what happened you said that was it you were having layla. I said good, she doesnt deserve it to which you affirmed my words. I was broken hearted at what nadean had done and so destroyed of shame at my retaliation. I didnt stop crying whilst at a and e. they wanted me to report nadean. I couldnt do that, she was layla's mum. Ant explained over the counter. A councillor came up and said what I had been was a victim of domestic abuse I said I wasnt a victim choking on tears. I said I was the bad guy I hit her back. They said what I had put up with for many years was a form of abuse and that I should not blame myself. I went numb after that in disbelief. Rang dave let him know where I was. And sat waiting. I was seeing it over and over. The domestic violence woman spoke out when I asked how nadean was because of what she did. I said it doesnt change my retaliation. I told her how ashamed I was. After the victim statement she let me go I saw you went back and got sleep. The day after I got a call 4 hours before I was meant to go in to get to the police station. They arrested me and then twisted my words of me being ashamed into me starting it all and nadean acting in self defense. The fact she has gone at others with a knife of which I know you are fully aware was irrelevent. The woman started slating me without knowing me and said I am always a violent person and nadean had lived with me being violent since day one.

She told me what nadean had said and I was shocked that she had lied and more shocked at the 100 percent belief in her story. I said to them I felt guilty on principal of her being a woman yet it gave her no right to stab me first. I left feeling persecuted for being a man. I have many character witnesses ready for court but then the social worker said as im homeless. If I succsessfully defend the allegations then nadean would be convicted and layla goes straight into care. On top of that I have been made aware that since her police interview that nadean picked up a new injury and that that I had pinned her to the floor and lastly that it was her that ran out the house screaming. She has told this to the social worker and the solicitors. If this is the case why wasnt she sent to hospital for the cut on her leg and why wasnt she outside following me to yours when outside, mostly how her eye witness saw everything through the back of his head and through 2 walls.

Like I said I regret retaliating and through it I have lost all I live for. This shock you think should have sorted her out is now getting me threats off her dad. I have nothing but visions of it every waking moment and thats not enough knowing that im helpless. I cant close my hand or bend my wrist. I cant feel my middle finger at all and I cannot grip anything loose like change or cups. I have a internally deep scar that I will always have bumping up out of my skin because of how deep it went and most of all I have everyone around me saying they would have done worse to her.

I wouldnt have done worse. I couldnt, I cant live with how much I retaliated as it is and cannot forgive myself ever. But knowing how everything is I am not looking for your absolution. Im sorry to involve you at all but this is a major fact I need to point out....

even though she has acted violently towards me before. Blacked my eyes and cut my face whilst I was on shift no less.... I have always walked away from an argument with her.... why should I not walk out this time unless I was attacked into it first?... I have read my bail rights and this letter does not break it and I have a copy for my solicitor and the social worker. I dont want you to pick sides against nadean I just urge you to see the truth from both sides.

 

On 4/19/2011 at 19:50, zeradin said:

there is the underlying problem though. because we werent married i have no parental bonds as far as law is concerned. they gaave layla back to nadean last friday and its killing me not seeing her. whats even worse is its gonna be 6 weeks from today that i get my chance in court to make sure she gets what she deserves. i am very ashamed of what im done and i have no cards to play but that wont stop me fighting for her happiness. im sick and tired of seeing her go ignored by nadean because she is too self obcessed (ironically on this forum eh?) the police have seen into how much effort i have been putting in to investigate the matter and were quite astonished of the fact i had obtained all of the information nadean said in her statement without going to see her or talk to anyone of her associates. whilst im recieving threats over msn and facebook and not responding, im invoking my freedom of information rights to see what is what. the police have decided not to charge me because of witnessing my never stopping until its right personality and im free to fight in court for my little angel in which i see was an honour to father whilst nadean sees her as a burden. im not asking them to give me a shot as a father im demanding to have them give layla what she deserves.

 

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21 hours ago, zeradin said:

... so they must be there to warn her that everyone wants to trap her in their hidden intentions.

i relate. ....draws up false conclusion that ..... this concludes that .... which makes you feel... 

Your sister's conclusion is the result of a perfectly normal thinking process which every human on the planet uses every day. It's not specific to schizophrenia or any mental illness - it's trying to make sense of the world by joining the dots to create a picture.

Periodically we pause in our dot joining process and try to guess what the dot-picture represents. We give meaning to our thoughts. 

Mental illness and anxiety disorders like OCD occur when we get the meaning wrong.

That's it. Nothing exotic, nothing scary or abnormal' that can't be fixed. That's why CBT works for all kinds of mental disorders. (Recent research has shown CBT works for schizophrenia too if done right.) 

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...either way we both cant help but feel lonely from the selves we live with.

:no:  Stop right there.

You can help it. You are not condemned to feel lonely forever. You are not condemned to be the person you have been in the past for the rest of your life. Forget the past, reinvent yourself, create your own future happiness. 

Let's be clear, saying 'forget the past' isn't about pretending the past didn't happen. It did happen, it's shaped you into who you are. But cognitive therapy helps you move the focus of your thoughts away from the past and into the present. 

I'm truly sorry you went through those experiences. Remember though that they are behind you. Time to start over. The future doesn't have to be more of the same, but unless we change the way we join up the dots we'll keep coming up with the same picture, keep interpreting it to be the same thing we saw before. 

CBT shows us how to draw a line under the past, change the way we think and start over.

 

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i cant trust what i know because i have known other things that weren't  supposed to be real in my childhood.

saying this here wasnt so you could relate ....

Can you now see how saying,  'I'm like this because...' is the normal thinking process of trying to make sense of the world? It's joining the dots and deciding what the funny looking picture represents.

Someone else looking at the same dots might see a different image. Perhaps where you see a dog being kicked by a man, someone else might see a man getting onto a horse ready to ride off into the sunset.

So the trick is learning how to see your own dot-picture through different eyes.

Change your interpretation >> changes the outcome. 

 

It may surprise you, but I do relate to your past. A lot. Not so rare or unbelievable after all. I'm living proof it's possible to start over with CBT. Which is why I'm so confident you too can turn your life around. :)  

You need to address some of these emotional issues and traumatic memories you drag around behind you. That can be done through cognitive therapy, alongside CBT for your OCD. 

Wouldn't you like to be able to look at the dots in your future and know how to join then up to create a picture of the kind of man you want to become?

Our thought processes aren't written in permanent ink and the way we join up the dots can be changed. The way we relate to ourselves and the world can be changed, making life feel real, and safe, and making the future look exciting. :) 

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