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An observation I've made when it comes to changing of OCD themes


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I sometimes regret not seeking help earlier and think about how my life would've been if I had seen a therapist earlier and I would've dealt with things differently. The years after finding out I suffered from OCD I could learn to enjoy life more. I sort of wish I had gotten to enjoy life that much at a younger age. One observation I've made now that the OCD started to get worse again was that the themes are different. Before they were harm related, number related or superstitious and were often about possible future events. Now they are often related to doubts and past events, either about things I can't avoid or what I'm going to do in the future. And they are always related to black and whiteness and finding exact answers. And I feel like these doubts and OCD themes have more control on my life than the earlier themes. Because I can no longer tell what are OCD doubts and what are actual doubts and my own thoughts so to speak. I wonder if this is a common progression. When you somewhat get over terrible intrusive thoughts and quit physical compulsion, is it inevitable that the OCD will strike in different ways?

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No its not inevitable but it does occur frequently. I suspect your current theme is no worse than your old themes. It's just that whatever you deal with at the time seems the worse thing possible because you're dealing with it now.

 

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I started fighting back against my traditional OCD themes, by adopting a 'so what' attitude - and deciding that I cared about the 'what if' consequences more than a normal person would. Soon I wasn't troubled by these themes much any more, but I quickly developed new themes, of increasing severity, until I reached one that was so bad there was no way I could say 'well it wouldn't be so bad', so all I could do was completely accept that the fear may come true, but not to think about how awful it would be or plan around it or avoid things because of it - just totally feel the fear. I think of this time as OCD in its 'death throes', as soon after it faded away to nothing.

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I think this is happening to me too, my OCD is now trying to insist I get answers on exactly which symptoms I have and which disorders are affecting them.

I suspect to some people it seems tame in comparison to some other OCD themes, but it doesn't feel that way does it? 

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One of my themes is doubting if I like something or not, it can go from books to food to music and even to people.

If I eat something and start to question "but do I really like this food?" it will affect my taste and it will not be as good as I think it is, but as soon as I eat something good it suddenly becomes the greatest thing in the world because my black and white thinking has made me believe that everything needs to be the greatest or it's nothing at all.

Also I'm doing a master's thesis nowadays and I feel like it's going really bad and I sometimes feel like quitting it or just give it all up. I can no longer tell if it's the OCD doubts that are telling me to give up or if I do actually feel like it. 

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  • 3 weeks later...

I haven't had a wifi-connection in weeks, so I haven't been able to write anything for a while. I've been thinking of writing in this thread again.

I feel rather lost right now. There are so many things I think about and would love to find some kind of answer too, but maybe even looking is a compulsion in itself. 

Sometimes when I'm trying to sleep at night I don't even know what I should think about and I don't know if that's a good thing. I feel like before I would've thought of something awful and I wouldn't have a choice. Sometimes I do get terrible worries and whatnot and things I don't want to think about, but I don't know what I would like to think about when I don't. I feel like I could be happy if I recovered, but I can't even imagine how that's like, I just don't know what to think about anymore. I haven't been able to feel free and think about what I want to since I was a teenager, and I feel like I shouldn't think of the same things I did when I was 13.  

To be honest, I feel rather confused. And I can't tell if this is a good development or not. 

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Your OCD seems to have stemmed into how you think. Your likely confused because you've been ruminating about it. Questioning whether you like or don't like what your thinking about or what you are tasting or doing perhaps.This is OCD but the theme is your thinking. Your obsessing over whether you may never think about what you want to think about again. This may make it depressing for you. That perhaps your thoughts will always be tied up into something you don't care to think about.

However, like you said, you don't want to gain reassurance and therefore aren't looking up answers. Good for you.

You get better by accepting the fear and stating that " i just have to accept it. That i may never think about what i want to think about again. That i may just need to get comfortable because thinking about what I don't want to is here to stay. This may just be the new normal. I might as well kick my feet up and take in all these great thoughts I don't care to think about. I may just make a big ol bag of popcorn and chow down as I think about all these things I don't want to think about...etc"

This is accepting the fear that is causing you confusion. It's truly believing it and not just saying it. Beat it at its own game. I know...easier said than done!

 

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Thanks for your response, I think you're in that I need to accept the fear. I think the hardest part is separating compulsions and obsession and what is real and what is just thoughts. 

I have definitely gotten a confirmation compulsion that I need to overthink and confirm that what I like what I am doing. If I listen to a song I like I need to praise it to myself and tell myself how much I love it and how great it is and then again I start to question "sure I know I like this song, but why do i need to listen to it then? Do I enjoy it? No.". I think what I've always liked doing is listening to records, and it has always included compulsions that ruined the experience of listening to them. I would need to listen to them in a specific order and when I did I could again enjoy listening to them, but now that the compulsion is based on confirming that I like these records, the joy I get out of listening to them is gone. 

 

Also, when I was a teenager I used to dream of being in a band I would lie awake trying to sleep and think of how cool it'd be to be in a band and make records and see how your fans reacted to your new record. It was something that started at 13 and which I would do well into my 20s and I guess I still do it at 27 to some degree. It could be a pleasant escape to dream of something and have hopes for something. Maybe what changed this is that I actually started a band and then I got sort of disillusioned, having actually played in a band and now I don't need to dream about it anymore. And I also feel sort of silly dreaming about things. My mind has been occupied with so many worries and fears that I've either escaped from them by dreaming or I haven't gotten the chance to dream. Now when I try to sleep I either still worry about something or I think "I guess this is fine, what should I think about now?". Compared to always being worried and always being anxious it sounds like a pleasant thing, but it feels extremely boring and emotionless. 

I also find my master's thesis to be pretty meaningless. It's interesting to some degree, but I don't think of it as something I will think about in the future or whatever. I just kind of want to be done with it and not look back and be relieved that I don't have to do that ever again. I know it's not a healthy view, but I guess that's how I feel. 

 

When I read books on OCD and tips on what to do. There's always some idea that you need to stop doing compulsion and continue your life and what you're doing. But then I have to ask myself, what? What am I doing? I feel completely blank. And the idea of having something to do makes me incredibly sad, because I feel like a lot of people don't do whatever they have to or want to do because of their compulsion and that they are limiting themselves from their actual occupations, but to me doing compulsion is at least SOMETHING. 

 

I just keep on thinking in circles. 

 

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