Obsessing over early stages of current rship (5years ago)

[Fred1987]

Hi all,

(I'm 32, diagnosed with OCD at 18 - health and relationship related obsessions. Been on Citalopram since then. Some occasional OCD relapses but mostly ok)

In the last few days I've been obsessing over minute details of the early stages of my current relationship (we've been together 5 years), forensically examining my past actions to see if I "cheated" on my wife.

The source of the worry is there was a girl I spoke to online (she lived overseas - we spoke via text or chat) who I did have previous history with and who I continued to speak to AFTER I met my wife. 

I had met this other girl (ie not my wife) 18mths earlier overseas at a work conference. We got drunk and kissed a few times, and continued to talk online after we both went home to our countries. We had a connection but even before I met my wife the conversations were flirty and never sexual or romantic. She did talk about coming to my country to visit me and while I considered it ultimately I told her no as it soon became clear she was a deeply troubled person with drug and alcohol issues and a criminal record. She was very volatile in the way she'd speak to me and as such while I enjoyed talking to her at times, other times she was horrible and we began to drift apart, often not chatting for weeks before a flurry of conversation. 

Then I met my wife, but the on and off conversations with the girl continued. Again, she lived overseas, we never met again, and the conversations with her were NEVER sexual or romantic. I made it VERY clear I had a gf, categorically rebuffed an offer to meet up in real life (she wanted to meet up with me on a trip to the UK), and cut off ALL contact forever with her about 6mths into my rship with my wife.

So on one hand I think what's the big deal? then OCD pops up and and says maybe they were inappropriate conversations and maybe you're in denial and maybe I did cheat. After all:

1. I didn't tell my wife about them - if they were appropriate why would I hide it when I told her about all my other friends? I used to delete my texts from her so I must have known. 

2. We DID discuss personal issues eg my feelings on my new rship which I know my wife wouldn't like to know. 

3. At one point my wife (then gf) and I separated for a few weeks early in our rship when my OCD manifested in doubts about the new rship -during this time I spoke to this other girl on the phone when I was really drunk (we rarely spoke on the phone) and I *think* I said to her she should come to my country. when I sobered up I never mentioned that again and certainly not after I got back with my then gf now wife. 

Anyhow, this has all been bought up by a random text from this other girl saying "hey" (I've blocked her but it's a new number - she STILL tries to contact me every few months) which has brought it all back and triggered two things:

1. Massive urge to "check" if I cheated by going over all my conversations with people years ago for signs I may have done something wrong. I long ago deleted all conversations with this girl but I'm rereading old fb conversations with friends for clues. 

2. Massive urge to "confess" to my wife and re-tell her the whole story in extreme detail so she can tell me definitively if it was ok or not - we've already discussed this in the past and she knows of it. She wasn't thrilled but nor was she too upset. But what if I've forgotten parts and left bits out?

anyway, any tips on CBT techniques to get over this and stop seeing it as such a black and white good vs bad? I'm trying to tell myself "maybe I did send a message that wasn't entirely appropriate" to just live with that anxiety and ride it out. 

thanks

fred

 

[chaosed]

1. because you were in the early stages of the relationship? could u imagine at the time she was going to be your wife?

 

2. of course you told her your feelings about the relationship - at the time she was your friend, wasn't she?

3. you were drunk and confused. give yourself some slack

and

1. dont

2. don't. plus, she doesn't care a bit. she is your WIFE, she won your heart, she loves you, you love her, do you really think she care? really

okay. that above is cognitive. behavioral: don't do any compulsions.

mindfulness: accept that, at this point, you can not know for sure you cheated on your wife. accept the uncertainty and let the anxiety wear off over time. accept that you have these doubts, these fears and do nothing about them.

plus, cheating is a relative thing sometimes. you consider you might cheated on her because of the reasons above. others may consider cheating just plain intercourse.

plus, don't judge what you did: cheating, not cheating... what's done is done and what is is. you don't have to put a label on it. it is simply something that happened and that's it.

good luck!

[paradoxer]

Just scan-read your post - in the kindest sense it's nonsense. Remember, with OCD if its not one thing it'll be another (life is a perpetual trigger). Live with the anxiety - why? because it's the least worst option. Ritualizing might bring momentary relief, but will get you deeper into the mire. Re black and white thinking - from a cognitive perspective, why  should you try to be so good anyway? You're just human. Let this obsession go - and move on. 

[paradoxer]

Just now, chaosed said:

1. because you were in the early stages of the relationship? could u imagine at the time she was going to be your wife?

 

2. of course you told her your feelings about the relationship - at the time she was your friend, wasn't she?

3. you were drunk and confused. give yourself some slack

and

1. dont

2. don't. plus, she doesn't care a bit. she is your WIFE, she won your heart, she loves you, you love her, do you really think she care? really

okay. that above is cognitive. behavioral: don't do any compulsions.

mindfulness: accept that, at this point, you can not know for sure you cheated on your wife. accept the uncertainty and let the anxiety wear off over time. accept that you have these doubts, these fears and do nothing about them.

plus, cheating is a relative thing sometimes. you consider you might cheated on her because of the reasons above. others may consider cheating just plain intercourse.

plus, don't judge what you did: cheating, not cheating... what's done is done and what is is. you don't have to put a label on it. it is simply something that happened and that's it.

good luck!

Chaosed, I see you're trying to help - but what the OP explains doesn't warrant an analytic breakdown. It's irrelevant. 

[chaosed]

21 minutes ago, paradoxer said:

Chaosed, I see you're trying to help - but what the OP explains doesn't warrant an analytic breakdown. It's irrelevant. 

no offense, but is your idea of choosing anxiety as the least worst option better?

[paradoxer]

Yes, short term pain - long term gain. 

[paradoxer]

Assuaging the anxiety with a logical explanation gives fire to the obsession. Oh, It's being responded to at face value, it must be meaningful. 

Edited April 6, 2017 by paradoxer

[Caramoole]

I also only scan-read the post and it shrieks OCD throughout, and as such, isn't helped by breaking it down and addressing on a point by point basis, as such.  

Will return to this tomorrow

[Fred1987]

Thanks guys

Chaosed thanks for your reply. I do appreciate and value it, but I guess I'm far enough along in my OCD journey to realise I need to resolve this by riding it out rather than "trying to solve it" so I'm more looking for strategies to accept the worry. So far I haven't really got there.

 

[paradoxer]

5 hours ago, Fred1987 said:

Thanks guys

Chaosed thanks for your reply. I do appreciate and value it, but I guess I'm far enough along in my OCD journey to realise I need to resolve this by riding it out rather than "trying to solve it" so I'm more looking for strategies to accept the worry. So far I haven't really got there.

 

I'm guessing you've probably got the strategies. It's the will-power that's the thing (yes, it's easy to offer advice!). Not pretending it's easy - but ride it out. If you need motivation, remind yourself if you give in - it'll just make things worse.

[chaosed]

9 hours ago, paradoxer said:

Yes, short term pain - long term gain. 

okay, sorry. from the way you put it, it sounded pretty tragic. you're exactly on point

 

6 hours ago, Fred1987 said:

Thanks guys

Chaosed thanks for your reply. I do appreciate and value it, but I guess I'm far enough along in my OCD journey to realise I need to resolve this by riding it out rather than "trying to solve it" so I'm more looking for strategies to accept the worry. So far I haven't really got there.

 

okay, I understand. I now it's hard to accept the worries. Treat them like brain digestion, it's something that our brain does, trying to find solutions to problems which are important to us, and to prevent outcomes which we are afraid of. It tries to help us. By accepting the worry and not engaging in compulsions, something strange happens, for me at least, which is that the worry starts to fade and we can focus on other things. We signal to our brain that even though it scares us, and we would rather not have that outcome that we are afraid of, we accept the possibility and the uncertainty of not knowing whether that would happen or not. Accepting the uncertainty means there is no need to worry about, because accepting the uncertainty is straight forward and you can't do much about it. I tried to explain it as much as I can understand of it, if someone else would like to give his or her insight on this I too would very much appreciate it, as I am trying to understand this better. 

I thought I was doing a great job at recovering, but I had worries which I believed were justified. Like worry that I might cheat on my boyfriend, that worry seemed real, I wasn't ruminating about it or doing something about it during the day, but at night I would try to block all my thoughts for fear that if I think about my boyfriend I might not feel certain feelings about him and if I thought about others I would get groinal responses to it. So I would just sit in bed with palpitations to no end and listening to calming music and mindfulness meditation. But two days ago I decided to accept the thoughts, whatever they are, whatever they would mean, and focus on my breath. I tried many nights to focus on my breath, but I wasn't really accepting my thoughts. I thought I was, but every time a thought would pop up I would get anxious and my heart would start pounding harder. So two days ago I accepted my thoughts, accepted the worry, the anxiety, the uncertainty, everything, I just accepted it all and focused on my breath. And I was able to fall asleep, and at a early hour too.

So I'm new to all this accepting your thoughts and uncertainty stuff. I'll continue to practice. I know it doesn't happen over night.

I hope that my example might help you in accepting your worries

Edited April 6, 2017 by chaosed

[snowbear]

16 hours ago, Fred1987 said:

So on one hand I think what's the big deal? then OCD pops up and and says maybe they were inappropriate conversations and maybe you're in denial and maybe I did cheat.

First you reacted with, 'what's the big deal? That's where people without OCD start and stop. It's no big deal, has no bearing on your life now, so no further analysis required.

But instead of stopping there you looked for an alternative meaning for the conversations you had. The meaning you created in your mind was 'I cheated'.

It's this meaning you're reacting to now rather than the memory/thoughts themselves. Hence all the 'maybe this, maybe that...' because you're looking for evidence to confirm the meaning you created and struggling to find any. 

Had you stuck with the first 'instinctive' meaning you found (It means nothing, it's no big deal) then none of the troublesome maybes would have occurred. 

[californiadreaming]

Fred, I went through this in 2015 and it lasted for 9 months. It was ridiculous and I wish I would have never "looked into it." My story follows the same lines as yours, I even downloaded text recovery software for my phone and read over every. single. text and did "intention checking." I was trying to remember exact feelings I was feeling when I sent that particular text. I would get a moment of clarity, followed by "yeah, but what about THIS text?" It was maddening. The more I read over text messages, and the more I tried to dig and dig, the worse it got. It even morphed to, "did I kiss him when I was dating my SO?" Luckily, I was able to dismiss that one as an intrusive thought. 

What I'm saying is, the minute that I just said, "OK, enough is enough, I'm not checking anymore" is when I finally felt some freedom from this. It was hard sometimes, and there were days where I just wanted to go home and keep checking over and over again. There were days I sat in my bed trying to recall every single feeling I felt from YEARS ago. There were days where I stayed up at night going, "did I tell my SO everything? Was this text message significant?" 

I know it sounds like the hardest thing to do, but you have to take a step back from this. Once I did that, the thoughts just went away. They'll come back sometimes and I just laugh at them and go, "I can't believe I used to think that" and move on with my day.

Good luck to you. You can do this. 

[californiadreaming]

Oh, you asked for specific tips. Here's what worked for me: 

1. When I got home from work, I would just leave my bag with my phone in my room and force myself to talk to my roommate and socialize with her. Some may see that as avoidance, but I was trying to keep myself busy. I would promise myself, "OK, I can check in 2 hours." 9 times out of 10, I didn't want to check by the time I got back to my room.

2. I deleted all of the text recovery software and made it impossible for me to "check." I suppose I could have just redownloaded it, but I had to mentally force myself to say, "this isn't good for you." It was REALLY hard some days, but it got easier the more it went on.

3. I had to stop confessing. I knew it was damaging my relationship to keep on doing it. I started to look at it from a different angle. Instead of "what if this happened?" I started framing it as, "Am I SURE this happened? 100% sure, enough to cause tension?" The answer to the latter was always NO. I wanted to confess so bad sometimes, but just flat out sat with it. If it got really bad, I would go to an exercise class or something to clear my head. 

[paco5959]

I suffer from the same kind of OCD. It's hell, I know... but it is just your OCD. 

[paradoxer]

11 hours ago, chaosed said:

okay, sorry. from the way you put it, it sounded pretty tragic. you're exactly on point