Triggered and Guilty

[paco5959]

I started a medication approx. a month ago and it has appeared to help tremendously. I went from full throttle guilt over past event OCD, ruminating if I ever have cheated on my spouse, and appliance checking- to almost nothing. I know that medication is not magic, and flare ups will continue to pop up.. But the month of "forgetting it all" was such a nice mental vacation.

Something as small as a comment about cheating on a reality TV show had me right back to what felt like the beginning. I felt it happening too.. I felt that ping in my stomach and that "oh god.. oh no.. stop before it's too late" feeling.

Maybe 2 months into dating my boyfriend of now 3 years, I was in a really bad place.. I mean a totally different woman. I stayed over a guys house I knew from my gym with a bunch of other people after a night out, and slept in his bed. I drank that night but I was not drunk. Nothing happened, and every second I was there I knew it was an awful mistake. I laid there, fully clothed and remember it being awkward and remember even saying to him that I just started to see someone and he understood. I know the night was just awkwardly laying there and falling asleep. And he took me home the next morning.

about 6 months ago I remembered this randomly during an OCD flare up. I told my boyfriend (not knowing it was OCD at that time) and he not only said to me "why would you tell me this?", he was horrified since he was aware of that night in the very beginning and was under the impression that I had slept on a couch. He asked me if anything happened aside from that, and I was 100% full heartedly telling him no! nothing did! That was the only thing I felt bad about, was staying in another persons bed, nothing else!  He was sad, got over it almost immediately, and forgave me saying it was the beginning stages and implying he might not have been very innocent either during that messed up time (which might have been him just saying that), and that was it...

Immediately after this, the uncertainty started.. "wait, did we kiss?.. We couldn't have kissed, I would have felt terrible about that and wouldn't have forgotten.. You even told him you were seeing someone once you realized you made a mistake being there... You remember thinking, if you kiss him, you can't turn back, so you didn't. You didn't do anything wrong, that's why you didn't think to say anything at the time when it happened.. You felt it was wrong, learned your lesson and it never happened again"... Of course this led to me analyzing for days, weeks, and finding nothing but inserting false memories' of a kiss. Therefore nose diving into ruminating more to see if that false memory holds true.

I'm doing my distractions, trying to push it out, and not discuss this AGAIN with family and friends. But that feeling..  That awful guilty feeling and waiting for it to pass... I'm trying to retrain my stomach to not instantly get nauseous or flip with a thought.. 

 

[californiadreaming]

Hey Paco, I don't have many words of wisdom - just know that you are not alone. I deal with the same obsessions.

Like you, I tried to neutralize mine by going "oh no no no" in my head when it started creeping in. Which, of course, made it come knocking on my door a little stronger. Try really hard not to replay the night in your head, OCD will always fill in the gaps. 

Hugs to you. 

[paco5959]

 

1 minute ago, californiadreaming said:

Hey Paco, I don't have many words of wisdom - just know that you are not alone. I deal with the same obsessions.

Like you, I tried to neutralize mine by going "oh no no no" in my head when it started creeping in. Which, of course, made it come knocking on my door a little stronger. Try really hard not to replay the night in your head, OCD will always fill in the gaps. 

Hugs to you. 

Thank you Californiadreaming.. It's so hard, especially when my boyfriend is such a rock for me. Its wild how it can feel like a ridiculous, "who cares" kind of thought for weeks.. And then in one minute it can turn into the worst feeling. And from your posts, I can imagine you know the exact guttural feeling. It's nice to know I'm not alone.

[californiadreaming]

Paco, I feel the same way. My SO knows about my OCD and the thought of hurting him makes me sick to my stomach. I think that's why it latches on so hard.