Wife is losing control

[Ddave]

Hi, I am new to the forum and have really appreciated reading others stories.

My wife is showing many symptoms and actions of someone with OCD. Extreme handwashing marathons (for her and constant demands for me, her mum and our kids), vaccuming for literally hours to rid the house of contamination from dust , asbestos. (Today 8 hours with 1 hour on a 2 seater couch alone). It feels like we are all constantly questioned on what we touched, which hand was used, did our clothes touch ....... 

It seems the smallest thing can trigger a full day frenzy of cleaning, today's episode was triggered by a plastic bag that had been deemed a contamination risk but had been forgotten to be changed and then 11 hours of cleaning, shouting, crying, accusations of sabotage.

I am at my wit's end and don't know how to help her. She is a stay at home mum and now I am having to regularly let work clients down because she can't cope with the kids. We are on a fast track to financial dire straights as a result.

If anyone has any advice or ideas, I'd be very grateful.

Thanks

 

[PolarBear]

As tough as its going to be, you will have to put your foot down and take charge. If she's not screaming for help at this point, she's in way over her head and you need to grab control of the situation, even if she responds by kicking and screaming.

Have you broached the subject of OCD with her? It's clear she has it, so have you talked to her about it and what are her thoughts on the subject? 

Soon, you need to lay down the law that neither you nor your kids will participate in her compulsions. That means no unnecessary washing or cleaning, no answering questions about who or what touched what.

Impress upon her that she does not need to live this way. There is help available but she has to want to end this. Also impress upon her that all the cleaning she does is called compulsions and you have learned that it is a bad idea for others to participate in them.

[stepforward]

Hi @Ddave,

So sorry to hear you are going through this. My wife has similar episodes and panics about asbestos, lead, contamination of all sorts. And lots of intrusive thoughts and other compulsions and obsessions that have been almost impossible to live with at times. We have a young daughter who I try to protect from it as much as possible but it has been really hard. I definitely don't think I have any answers but things are better for us now although we still have to work on it day to day. I posted the following in response to someone else recently which I hope might be useful in some way. I am happy to share anything else from our experience if it might be useful. As @PolarBear says, the first step is to get your wife to see she has a diagnosable condition and she doesn't have to live like this.

---

My wife was diagnosed with OCD about 5 years ago and we have had a really, really tough time. Right now things feel a bit better but it is very up and down. I can only offer my experience which might or might not be helpful. Without writing a huge message with loads of details, the main things that have been important for us are:

- The very first thing was getting her to see she had a problem. She was so depressed and exhausted with all her rituals and anxieties she didn't have the space to see it was something that was not normal and needed addressing. It took me months to convince her she had a problem and to see the GP. Getting a diagnosis was the start of her getting better. She was suicidal at that time.

- The next really important thing was getting her to let me talk to others about it. For ages she made me keep it a secret as she had managed to for so long so I was trying to support her alone without any support of my own. She first let me talk to my best friend and gradually others and that made a huge difference to me

- The next thing was getting her to talk to others about it. This was extremely hard for her but I pretty much forced her to and started telling one or two people I know she really trusts. She is now (a few years later) quite open about it with family and friends and that has helped her - and helped me

- We decided that the NHS mental health support wasn't going to give us what we needed so she started to see a private CBT therapist. The first woman didn't work out at all for her but the next person she saw she clicked with and I started to see very slow and very gradual improvement. It is not a miracle and we still had extremely tough times but it gave us something to work towards. She has been seeing the therapist for 2 years now which is a huge financial expense but worth every penny

- She also started taking sertraline and was on it for about a year but managed to slowly come off it over about 6 months which is fantastic.

- My approach to supporting her has varied but overall I have felt that being tough with her OCD has been vital. As much as possible I don't let her get away with it. When she says she needs to turn the car left or someone will die (for example) I try to refuse to let her and for her to see it is her OCD bullying her. There are a thousand examples of this. This has, as you can imagine, led to huge rows between us but I really do feel this has been necessary to help her start to get better. Equally I have tried not to fall into the trap of being her therapist - I am not, I am her husband...

- As she has slowly improved the other thing I have realised is that I am holding a lot of trauma (for example from being told to change my clothes all the time, to shower, not being allowed to hold our daughter etc etc) and I have lost trust in her as she tried to hide things so much. So now it is about me rebuilding my own strength as well and I am starting to work more on that.

We still have some really bad times and I still have moments I feel I can't cope but we are gradually getting better and hopefully will continue that way.

I hope this helps.