ocd - desperate for help

[Rosie22]

Hello,

I’ve never posted on here, despite reading for many years, but my condition now has got so bad, and I really hope some of you can help me. If not, it would be nice to share experiences. I am now having home care, where nurses come to my house everyday to check on me, as an alternative to hospital admission. I’ll apologise now for the long post, as you all know OCD can be so complicated.

I have had OCD for as long as I can remember. Checking, counting, rituals, magic thinking, doing and wearing the same thing over and over. As you all know it gets to a point where it is so normal you don’t even know you’re doing it. But six months ago it got a lot worse. I had never this condition could make you think things that weren’t real. I started to think that things had happened, even though I had no memory of them. I thought I had cheated on my boyfriend, and I hadn’t, as I checked with the person with whom I thought I had. I was in a constant state of paranoia.

My main obsession, however, is what I believe people call ROCD. I first had this with my first boyfriend. We got together at school and I didn’t fancy him at first. But we got along so well that we got close, and were together for three years. I was always worried I wasn’t attracted to him enough. Would sometimes enjoy sex, other times be turned off. I would analyse his features, and sometimes not be attracted to him at all. I confessed all, and spent two years torturing him with constant reminders of how I didn’t fancy him and felt weird a lot of the time. He knew it was some kind of anxiety thing and was very supportive, but in the end we broke up while at university. We stayed friends all these years until recently. The thing is that now we are not together, I realised that I don’t fancy him, that although at times I did, I don’t, really, and actually find him quite unattractive at times. I then met my second boyfriend. I was attracted to him straight away. It turns out he wasn’t a very nice person and we broke up after going out for a year. I didn’t have the ‘looks’ problem with him, but made sure he knew that the relationship wasn’t serious at times of anxiety.

Now, I met my current (well, recent ex) boyfriend while I was still with this other bloke, and we have been together eight years. The whole time I have analysed his looks. Wondered if I fancy him. At times I think he is gorgeous, at times ugly. I cannot understand how it can be this dramatic – from handsome to unattractive? At times I really enjoy sex and at times I feel turned off. When I find him attractive I still notice his flaws, but am still attracted to him if that makes sense. I pick at things I don’t like and they have become a massive deal. I wonder whether I have made them a big deal or if they actually are? When we first met I said he wasn’t handsome all the time but I found him attractive. Recently I have told him some horrible things – other people I fancy, and further, that I find all his friends more good looking than him. Even the ones that aren’t considered attractive by other friends. Even people that I have never been attracted to I analyse facial features, symmetry, etc, and if one of them has a more technically perfect feature, I tell him that they are better looking. Please understand I have not been doing this to hurt him, but so that he is fully informed of my mind and so he can make the right decision. If he still wants to be with me while I think these things, great, but I mustn’t stop him from finding somebody that doesn’t think these things. My main concern is hurting anyone. Which, in turn, I know I have done.

I have read about something called Reverse BDD, in ROCD. It sounds like that, but what if it’s not? And they say ROCD goes against what you really think or feel. But I do sometimes really not think he is attractive! Can OCD make you see things differently? Can it exaggerate flaws to such a degree? Could it possibly make me focus on things that I wouldn’t normally see, in him or others? Or am I fooling myself? I want it so much to be this and to be happy with him. He and other friends think it is because I was sexually abused by my brother as a young teenager, but I don’t know. If it isn’t anxiety he feels I have lead him on all these years when he could have been finding someone who actually fancies him. And the fact that I now do not think my first boyfriend is attractive surely proves that I don’t now, with my current boyfriend. I have left him because I am causing him too much pain. But I really miss him so much and just want to hold him and be with him. He is the most amazing man and has supported me through my uncle dying, then my Dad. I am 29. Can anybody help? Please. Thank you in advance.

[Ashley]

48 minutes ago, Rosie22 said:

Can OCD make you see things differently? Can it exaggerate flaws to such a degree? Could it possibly make me focus on things that I wouldn’t normally see, in him or others? Or am I fooling myself?

In brief, yes it can

I tend not to use the ROCD term because I think it's pretty unhelpful in understanding how OCD works and also is not a medical term.  But with all forms of OCD, often it can exaggerate flaws. In fact with all forms of OCD there is often a genuine risk (i.e. that contamination will cause disease for example), but in reality the risk is 0.1% or less, but OCD will switch that and make is worry about that 0.1% to the point we kid ourselves the risk is far more likely at 99.9%.

And yes, OCD will also make us focus on things others would miss.  So if a person is afraid of HIV you can guarantee their mind is scanning for dangers and so will constantly see red stains (could be blood), condoms, needles etc. 

OCD will convince you it is real, it is the one to trust but in reality OCD is a big fat liar and to quote Salkovskis, the solution becomes the problem.  The solution being the things OCD makes us do, i.e. compulsions and they soon become a bug problem, so not a solution at all.

 

[Rosie22]

Thank you so much for your reply. Have you heard of anything like this before?

[Vickii]

Hi, I can kind of relate to the doubting side of this.

How do you know if OCD has been affecting how you think/feel/act in your relationship or if it's 'Normal' behaviour?

 

Edited June 21, 2017 by Vickii

[Vickii]

3 hours ago, Vickii said:

Hi, I can kind of relate to the doubting side of this.

How do you know if OCD has been affecting how you think/feel/act in your relationship or if it's 'Normal' behaviour?

 

Or how you are really feeling? .

[Rosie22]

That's my problem, I don't think you can know. I think if you obsess about it, it's ocd. If it was normal maybe you wouldn't care? What are your experiences? Sorry I'm not very helpful! 

[Vickii]

Feel free to read my previous posts.

It's just how do you know if you really feel the way you are saying or if it is OCD.

 

[Rosie22]

I don't think there is any way of knowing. That is why it is so frustrating. Ocd is so convincing that even if we worked out that it was the cause, it would find a way to convince us otherwise. Feel free to message me. I live in Norfolk so am not far from you.

[Vickii]

Oh yes, Norfolk isn't far at all

Thanks for your message, it really does make sense. 

 

[efes]

Got here from searching a bunch of keywords. I could relate to the "am I not attracted enough?" thing. These days, I know how to ride out most OCD themes, but this is different because it's like a mental block. 

[malina]

Hey Rosie,

Welcome to the forum! It sounds like you have a lot going on and I'm sorry you're struggling so much at the moment! I completely relate to what you're going through. I broke up with my first boyfriend for these reasons, I was obsessing about whether I had feelings for him or not. I've been with my current boyfriend for over 5 years and spent a good amount of time doing similar things to what you have been doing with yours, analysing my feelings towards him and confessing when I felt that I didn't love him. In fact, I almost broke up with him when we first started seeing each other and I'm lucky that he is so bloody stubborn and didn't give up on me!

It seems to me that you are at the beginning of your journey towards recovery. Have you had CBT before or any other treatment? I think you would find it very helpful. What I have learnt about the relationship stuff is that, firstly, feelings go up and down and this is natural. You may love ice cream, but you don't necessarily want to eat it 24/7, right? Same goes for your partner, you may love them but you don't necessarily feel "in love" or like you fancy them 24/7. That is absolutely okay! You also don't have to find everything about them attractive. These fluctuations are all part of a normal relationship, it's just that when you have OCD, you hone in on them and worry about them, while most people wouldn't.

The other thing I relate to in your post is how you said that your partner needs to be aware of your mental state, so you confess everything to him. Well, this isn't true, nobody can be 100% aware of somebody else's thoughts and they shouldn't be. Our thoughts are private and they are also meaningless. So you think a particular man is more attractive than your partner - so what? you just had a thought, nothing else. The fact is that everyone has these thoughts, but they don't worry about them, while people like us agonise over them. Your partner most likely has thoughts like this too, but doesn't need to make you aware of his mental state all of the time. I think you need to be aware that your thoughts can't hurt anyone, but the constant confessions can hurt you both.

Finally, I am very sorry to hear about what happened with your brother, I think that kind of thing would have an impact on anyone and I hope that you consider discussing this with a professional as well if you're struggling to cope with the aftermath. However, I don't think it's helpful to look for a "cause" of your OCD. It's a complicated condition that involves your genes, brain function and also environment, it's very unlikely that there is a single cause of what you're going through. Also, I think that OCD is a bit different from trauma, "fixing" the traumatic event won't necessarily make the OCD go away. Instead, OCD treatment is based more on changing your pattern of thinking and your behaviour, it is more focused on the present and the future rather than the past. So I think that you just need to accept that you have OCD and that the reasons why don't really matter, what matters is how you're going to work on the OCD.

I hope this helps!! xx