Jump to content

Been a Hard Weekend


Recommended Posts

Hello everyone,

First of all, please let me send my love out to all of you.

I haven't posted for a while because I've been doing really well, refusing to ruminate and, when the intrusive thoughts come, just letting them blare away in the background paying them no heed.

But it's been a really hard weekend. I'm on holiday from teaching and I've been so looking forward to it. No teaching means I get to spend a lot more time with my wife which, though lovely, is fertile ground for an OCD ambush. My OCD has centred around my marriage for the last 8 years and, though at times the torment of the thoughts has verged on the unbearable, with all of your help I've got through it and improved so, so much.

I get intrusive thoughts about my wife (do I still love her / do I still find her attractive - you get the picture), and they are horrible. I'm not going to indulge in any self-reassurance and I'm not seeking reassurance from anyone else, because all of you have taught me that that just makes things a million times worse. All I'll say is that I hate the thoughts and, whilst usually I'm able to disregard "Radio OCD", this weekend it's been difficult. I've been running pretty much non-stop on the OCD hamster's-wheel and it's been very distressing.

I used to share the thoughts with my wife but it soon became a confession-ritual / reassurance seeking ritual and, aside from the fact that it put terrible pressure on my wife and was difficult for her to hear, made things worse. I ended up confessing time after time. I'd get temporary relief and then be back for more. So now I don't talk about the thoughts with my wife and usually the bad episode passes. But this weekend the thoughts have just been attacking and attacking. The image that sometimes comes to mind is that OCD has a Stanley knife and is gashing away at my insides. When I'm able to disregard the thoughts, the wounds melt away and the whole episode passes, but when I'm in the kind of space like I've been this weekend, the wounds become very real and, because I don't talk about them and try not to share them here (posting was also in danger of becoming a ritual), they go gangrenous. I then feel really bad and I get scared that there is "noise" in the air between my wife and me, that she can tell there is something wrong. That, in turn, makes the thoughts worse and so on and so forth.

I don't mean to be gross but that's how I feel this morning: full of poison and I want to have it all syphoned off.

I think one of the things which is really disturbing me is that we are going on holiday in a couple of weeks. It's our first holiday in 7 years and my wife is so looking forward to it, as am I. All of a sudden though, I'm slightly dreading it, dreading the idea of being stuck abroad with a head full of OCD thoughts, nowhere for me to hide but trying to behave normally because I don't want to ruin the holiday for my wife. That happened to me when OCD first came in to my life as a young man. I went out to Yugoslavia (as it was then) and just spent the whole two weeks terrified. I was away from all familiarity and ended up just lying on my bed, wanting everyone to leave me alone for the entire two weeks. Getting back to England, to my bolt-hole and to familiarity was such a relief. I want to stop projecting, get back to a place where I don't listen to "Radio OCD". I want to get all the poison out. Posting this helps.

I need to go back to basics. That is one of the things I find: when I've been ok for a long while, I am lost when I get an attack again. I forget how to do the things (the 4 Steps etc) which help me. I need to be reminded of those coping mechanisms, iof the right things to do when I get an OCD attack, and I would be very grateful for reminders please.

I also thought it would be a good idea to bring OCD self-help books on holiday with me. Would you please be so good as to recommend the best and most recent ones?

I know that one can either live in the problem or the solution. OCD is the problem and this weekend I've been living in it. I want to get back to living in the solution.

I need support. Please help me.

Love to you all and thank you for reading,

Gerard

Link to comment

I try and remember that it's not the content that is the focus... It's the anxiety it's causing me. Focus on bringing your anxiety levels down, meditation is good for me, and as hard as it is... try leaving the thoughts to one side...  stay strong!! 

Link to comment

That's great, HDC, and thank you so much for taking time out to support me. I hope I can support you in the same way one day.

Do you have any meditation books / techniques you can recommend?

With love,

Gerard

Link to comment
Quote

 

I have the headspace app :) it's got lots of 10 minute sessions and 3 minute mini sessions that are good!! I've suffered with relationship focused OCD before and it's the one that tends to come up the most.... It's a pain, but just keep going!! I'm at a stage at the moment where my OCD is trying to drag me back in... e.g. you should be worried about these thoughts etc... how can you just forget about these etc... but must continue to let them pass! They'll subside eventually I hope! 

 

Link to comment
1 hour ago, Gerard said:

I need to go back to basics. That is one of the things I find: when I've been ok for a long while, I am lost when I get an attack again. I forget how to do the things (the 4 Steps etc) which help me. I need to be reminded of those coping mechanisms, iof the right things to do when I get an OCD attack, and I would be very grateful for reminders please.

I also thought it would be a good idea to bring OCD self-help books on holiday with me. Would you please be so good as to recommend the best and most recent ones?

Hi Gerard,

Sorry that you're having a difficult time right now, and I think the above is really good advice, to go back to basics, look at what helped in the past and remind yourself of the core basics.

The book Brain Lock (Four Steps) was just republished with some updated content to celebrate its twentieth anniversary - http://www.ocdshop.com/product_info.php?cPath=1&products_id=272

The best CBT based book that I still recommend is Break free from OCD, and still remains the best CBT/OCD book on the market.   The other book I like and is written by one of the best CBT therapists currently working privately to treat OCD, that book is How to deal with OCD by Dr Forrester.

I don't know which book is best for you Gerard, but if you have time and feel able to read about OCD then why not have a go at all three and see if you can take chunks from each that will help you.

Link to comment

Ashley and HDC thank you so, so much and I shall follow your advice to the letter.

You are both very wonderful people for taking out to support me and I so hope I can do the same for you one day.

Love and angels,

Gerard xxxxx

Link to comment

You have had some great advice from Ashley and HDC.

I also can get extremely anxious/homesick when I'm away on holiday but I try and remind myself I will be home before I know it.

I find mindfulness really helpful and although it might sound boaring I find watching live streams from around the world relaxing and grounding, I also find watching program like Location Location Location calming.

Maybe try and find something like an audio book or something that grounds you and calms you down that you can take on holiday with you but I really feel mindfulness is one of the most helpful tools.

If you go prepared with tools you will hopefully find just knowing you have them will be enough without having to use them, I certainly find they can help.

Although it probably isn't the most helpful way of dealing with OCD but if the thoughts are getting really bad and you can't calm yourself down, try just saying to yourself that you are ok and you will deal with the thoughts when you get home - Ashley what do you think to this suggestion, I find it helps.

Hope that makes sense.

Take care

Vicki

Edited by Vickii
Link to comment
29 minutes ago, Vickii said:

Although it probably isn't the most helpful way of dealing with OCD but if the thoughts are getting really bad and you can't calm yourself down, try just saying to yourself that you are ok and you will deal with the thoughts when you get home - Ashley what do you think to this suggestion, I find it helps.

Just cooking so a brief reply. But for the purposes of surviving a holiday, absolutely, do whatever we need to, even getting some reassurance if it helps us enjoy our holiday (even if not the best approach to dealing with OCD), provided we get back to appropriate strategy when home.

Link to comment

I completely get this!! I've just been away for two weeks (!) and it was ok. But the dread and anxiety beforehand were awful. We stayed in the UK as I can't face leaving the country currently. It's awful. And it's all to do with thoughts. I'm scared of the thoughts. I still don't know how to deal with them. 

 

I hope you have a lovely time.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...