I'm done

[don't know]

This is the final straw! I can't believe that for two years I have been tortured by whatever this is. I have dropped out of school, I can't get a job, I have hardly any friends. I have nothing. Even basic things I have lost. 

I bring this up because I got some results in. I ended up failing a subject that I worked my **** off to pass. I love this subject and yet I failed. I did everything to get the best mark possible and of course when things are going good I get knocked down. Shows me for trying to be calm and positive. 

I knew that because I never panicked about my results they would be awful. And they were. I hate it. I hate also because people who didn't put in any work whatsoever have gotten great marks. And when I put in all the effort- I fail. Every time. Everything I want to achieve fails- always always always. 

I'm done. Whatever this is - I give up! 

[daja]

Hi, what subject were you studying?

[don't know]

I was studying literature 

Edited August 8, 2017 by don't know

[daja]

Cool. :-)

[jlmdfem]

Hi

Please don't give up! Then what you're dealing with has won! Believe me I've been in the same position as you countless times and I know how awful it is when you try really hard at something and it doesn't come through. But one day it will, ok so literature didn't go so well this time, but you know you put your all into it and tried your best - and I find when thinking about it in that way, that I still feel as though I accomplished something. Despite dealing with OCD and anxiety and all the other things we deal with everyday from when we wake up, you still put everything into what matters to you. Don't give up! Give yourself a break, you did your best and it didn't work out, that happens to everyone many times in their lives. 

 

Keep your chin up x

[Squirtsdad]

As with above, giving up lets the negative parts of your live win. I am nearly 50 and seem to have failed in my mind, in pretty much everything I have done, but I am still trying. That is because when I actually look back at my life, I realise that although I have failed many times over the years, I have also succeeded at times.

I pulled out of buying a house for £39,000 when being made redundant the day before my marriage in 1994. People told me to buy the place and rent it out until I had a new job. I panicked and pulled out. I would be just finishing a £35,000 mortgage right now with a house worth £295,000. Instead, we still live with my mum in the family home and it makes me feel a complete failure........... Then I realise that I have a lovely wife who has stuck with me for 23 years and a great son who seems to adore me. I must have done something right there.  

Although I can see how upsetting failing your literature course must be, it may be the start of something else. You could retake the course or go to evening classes, look at something different to study, there are choices to make and you should take them if you can. Sorry, I am not telling you what to do, I understand that is hard to deal with as people do it to me all the time. The only thing I am asking you to do is NOT GIVE UP

[OceanDweller]

Perhaps you might benefit from reevaluating how you measure success and failure. Personally, I believe the measure of us is not in our academic or professional success, nor in our financial status. It's in how we relate to our fellow man and woman. If I can make a distraught individual feel better about themselves for a day, or buy a homeless person some food, that's of more value to me than any material gain. It's our actions day to day that define us. It's a hell of a lot more difficult (and admirable) to be a consistently decent fella than it is to pass an exam or buy a house. I appreciate this is not a view that will be shared by everyone, but it works for me. And it may work for others too.

[Emsie]

I so agree, OceanDweller, beautifully said. ?

[daja]

2 hours ago, Emsie said:

I so agree, OceanDweller, beautifully said. ?

Yep.

[don't know]

Hello, thanks for the comments on the post. It's been very interesting to see what everyone's opinions are and opening up a conversation. 

However, I just don't know what to do. This week has been very difficult. After failing a subject that I loved and worked so hard for, it's sunk me back into a depression. On this board a lot of people have suggested I'm depressed but I can see a difference in moods when I've posted in the past and known that I'm clearly not depressed and posting this week. I feel like a failure. Just seeing walking down the street, I make assumptions that they are so successful in life and I'm not. I can truly say I'm not. I've given up reading. For example, a friend and I were talking a book and I was saying how I didn't understand why it is held to such a literacy standard as their is no interesting plot and the main character isn't likeable or interesting in the slightest. They then went onto describe a huge reason why and I just replied by saying I'm so dumb. I truly am. I truly am. It's as though no matter how much I try and go for something I fail. Whenever I look forward to something it's awful. Something as simple as a trip. A trip to somewhere I've dreamed of going to - awful. And I can't look at pictures or watch movies with this place as it's location as I feel sad and empty. That's how pathetic I am. 

In the same week I got rejected from a job. I learned that I am overweight. And that my OCD isn't cured. I believe that I don't have it. 

I express this a lot but I come on here and read people's stories and I feel as though I relate but I don't feel anxiety or depression. It just bugs me. If you read my other posts you'll know how I feel. 

This is what I mean by I'm done. It's not that I failed an exam. The exam I believe represents more. I try and try, and I end up failing every time. Everything I look forward to or love gets snatched away. And I just don't want to deal anymore. 

It feels as though the positive things in my life have happened and true furfillment is never something that can happen. I can live but I'm not living; if you know what I mean. I don't feel good at anything, but I don't feel lost. 

I understand this post is mostly a ramble. But, I wanted to say that I appreciate the comments on each post, and that I do thank you for your advice. 

[snowbear]

Don't Know, you write about depression as if it means feeling sad, but this isn't true.   That's just the popular myth of what depression is about.

Depression is a way of thinking, a way of interpreting the world.

The thinking process is negatively biased, interpreting everything as bad, always seeing the down side, ignoring (or sometimes even choosing to block out) any good. Hardly a surprise therefore that the typical result is to feel sad, but sadness isn't part of the depression and doesn't have to be present. You can feel neutral or numb, or just 'not positive'. Depression is the absence of positivity and hope rather than the presence of sadness. 

Depression is also a way of behaving in response to the negative interpretations that have been made. 

Allow me to highlight the evidence of depressive thinking in your post in bold, and the behavioural aspects in purple text. 

21 hours ago, don't know said:

I feel like a failure. Just walking down the street, I make assumptions that they are so successful in life and I'm not.

I can truly say I'm not. I've given up reading. For example, a friend and I were talking a book and I was saying how I didn't understand why it is held to such a literacy standard as their is no interesting plot and the main character isn't likeable or interesting in the slightest. They then went onto describe a huge reason why and I just replied by saying I'm so dumb. I truly am.  It's as though no matter how much I try and go for something I fail. Whenever I look forward to something it's awful. Something as simple as a trip. A trip to somewhere I've dreamed of going to - awful. And I can't look at pictures or watch movies with this place as it's location as I feel sad and empty. That's how pathetic I am. 

In the same week I got rejected from a job. I learned that I am overweight. And that my OCD isn't cured. I believe that I don't have it. 

I express this a lot but I come on here and read people's stories and I feel as though I relate but I don't feel anxiety or depression. It just bugs me. If you read my other posts you'll know how I feel. 

This is what I mean by I'm done. It's not that I failed an exam. The exam I believe represents more. I try and try, and I end up failing every time. Everything I look forward to or love gets snatched away. And I just don't want to deal anymore. 

It feels as though true furfillment is never something that can happen. I can live but I'm not living; if you know what I mean. I don't feel good at anything, but I don't feel lost. 

Hopefully you can see from this that your thinking is littered with lots and lots of negative interpretations - the kind of thinking that is absolutely typical of depression. And there are some depressive behavioural responses in there too. 

You're still getting intrusive thoughts that make you doubt your OCD and it appears you're doubting the evidence of depression in a similar way.

But if we accept you do have depression and you do have OCD the question is what are you doing about it? 

Have you discussed your feelings with your GP? Have you started CBT yet?

[don't know]

I know that these aren't intrusive thoughts. I know I'm dealing with depression but I've tried cbt, and everything but nothing works. 

[snowbear]

If you've tried CBT for OCD then you'll know that getting better starts with changing the way you interpret your thoughts.

If you've had CBT for depression then you'll know that getting well starts with changing your negative outlook to a more realistic one.

You say you've tried CBT and it didn't work, but I guarantee that if you change the way you interpret your thoughts then it will work. What you mean is that so far the therapy you've had hasn't been successful at helping you change your thinking.

CBT should help you see there are alternative ways of looking at any situation. If you can only see one way to interpret it (hopeless, negative) then you're not thinking broadly enough about the options. So you go back to the drawing board and try again to change the way you think until you can see the full range of options AND are willing to accept one of them instead of dismissing them all as untrue. You just need more therapy to help get you there.  

[don't know]

This just keeps getting worse. I ended up just passing my class by one mark. I'm a failure. I feel so depressed and frustrated as I tried so hard, and I loved that subject. I failed and I'm just so upset. I never used to fail and my work never showed it. I used to feel like a failure but my work was always to the highest standard. I don't know what happened? I can't deal anymore. I guess I'm just making excuses.

I feel as though I can't catch a break. It's just one crappy thing after another and the cycle goes on. I just want peace. I would love to have gotten a mark I can be proud of. I understand how stupid this sounds but it just meant so much to me. 

[don't know]

I was looking through one of my topics about my classes, I was so optimistic for an A. I was talking about getting a B. Ha! I never knew I could've failed terribly. 

[OceanDweller]

Hi again don't know. Receiving a disappointing mark evidently feels to you like the worst fate that can possibly befall a person. I wish for all our sakes that this were true. Alas, life will present you with much more testing challenges in the future. With each, you will either become ever more robust, or you will continually struggle with what is, I'm afraid, just the reality of being. Rolling with the punches is an essential skill we all need to possess in order to survive. The earlier in our lives we can learn and begin practising it, the more content we will ultimately feel.