What a difference an nhs diagnosis makes...............

[bwelagain]

Hi,

As some of you may be aware, I received my official diagnosis of ocd by an nhs psychologist only yesterday.

You also may recall that I have spent the past 5 months in a semi-catatonic state in bed at home, paralysed by fear, terrified to live any semblance of a normal life, in case my ocd was right about me all along, as I feared that I would become or wanted to be the kind of person my ocd was saying I was.

It is only 2 weeks since I finally dragged myself out of bed, having acknowledged that staying in bed would never allow me to get myself on the road to recovery. These past 2 weeks, I only ventured out as far as the corner shop.

However, after I was diagnosed yesterday, I spent over 5 hours shopping in town with my adult daughter and went into all the shops I frequented before I became ill with ocd again.

Yesterday comprised of many 'firsts' for me since I became ill at the beginning of March, like, my first proper conversation in 5 months, the first time I smiled in 5 months, the first time I laughed in 5 months, the first time I bought myself anything in 5 months ( I actually enjoyed choosing clothes). Yesterday, I had a sense of being the 'real' me again.I now vehemently refuse to allow ocd to continue to destroy me.

I must add that I have been back on an ssri for approx. 3 months, which I was convinced wasn't going to work for me this time around, but I am thinking that perhaps it has finally kicked in......

I have also just woken up this morning feeling good again.

I appreciate I have a long way to go and will undoubtedly meet many bumps along the road, as I have yet to begin treatment.

I posted this in the hope that it may help any sufferer who is currently severely distressed by their ocd, just to say that, nomatter how far you have fallen, it can get better.

I am rooting for us all.

[SB21]

That's excellent news, well done. You have made huge progress over the last few months. It's great you have a new motivation for life and your family, they will be crucial in your recovery. SSRIs are amazing things if/when they begin to work adding that little confidence to out lives but don't let it take the achievement away from you. You have done this and should celebrate it loudly for all to hear!

Well done a huge achievement, stay strong, good luck with the rest of your journey to recovery x

[Gary.p]

That's fantastic news.

standing up to OCD can be so difficult, but I'm delighted for you that you have started to do this. Well done ?

[Skullpops]

This is wonderful to read! ❤️

[FightingTheBrain]

Great to hear. You may have seen that I also had my first ‘appointment’ yesterday for a qualified therapist to determine if he could help. 

Its both sad and immensely reassuring when someone calmly says to you ‘you’ve got OCD’. Word of caution more than anything, what they’ve offered us initially is reassurance which is the reason we’re feeling better. thatll fade, but the CBT will help us long term.

[PolarBear]

Inspiring.

[bwelagain]

Thanks for your kind words.

FightingTheBrain, I completely agree with you, as I stated in one of my other posts yesterday that the diagnosis gives us the reassurance we crave and I also said that I wondered how long that sense of reassurance would remain with us for.

Well, after having a really good  day out shopping in town yesterday, and waking up this morning still feeling good, I have felt the doubt resurface this afternoon, so I guess this is my first "bump in the road". I have read how recovery from ocd is not a linear process. I hope I can have more faith in myself again as the day progresses.

 

[SB21]

This is perfectly natural, small steps are easier to maintain than huge jumps. The trick is to accept the thoughts as OCD, remember all the exciting experience you have had and then fight for more! Stay determined and focussed, you've already done the hard work - don't give in, you can do this.

[snowbear]

Well done, bwelagain. 

This is an excellent illustration of how what we think influences our behaviour. (A principle we learn in CBT.) 

When you thought your concerns were 'real' you avoided shopping. When you learned to think differently ('it's only OCD) you were immediately able to change your behaviour in quite a dramatic and beneficial way.

Inspiration, I hope, for those people who are currently thinking 'I can't change'. Once you change the thought the seemingly 'impossible' suddenly becomes possible.  

[bwelagain]

Thanks SB21.

Truly, yesterday was wonderful, to experience shopping, feeling that something of my old self had come back. Sadly, I seem to have nosedived again today. It's just gone 9.30 pm and I have been back to doubting myself since this afternoon, although I did manage to go to a couple of the local shops for basic groceries.

Even when I felt good(ish) in town yesterday, I was still scanning for triggers, having the odd intrusive thought and experiencing moments of doubting myself, but I managed to tell myself it was all ocd nonsense, even though it feels real at times.

I suppose yesterday I made a huge leap forward and can't expect to have that kind of confidence every day, since I am yet to start therapy. But, I plan to go out for a couple of hours again tomorrow.

 

snowbear, you said it so perfectly, it all comes down to changing our thinking, which frees us to change our behaviour.

I am not beating myself up for doubting myself again today. Yesterday is testimony to the fact that we can beat ocd, even if progress is sporadic, which seems to be just how things work as we aim to recover.

Edited August 26, 2017 by bwelagain