Jump to content
ocdsufferer85

Terrified. In need of help.

Recommended Posts

Having a mega panic.

I just want to know if you have a massive fear of doing something

Can ocd make you think you did it?

Through urges, unwanted ideas, and push you to the edge? 

I have said it a million times but im beyond terrified.

I have this huge fear. And when it was all coming into my head i felt kind of relaxed and sure that i wouldnt let it happen..and thats when i felt i lost control. I started picturing it, and i almost froze i was so close. Then i did a replay to make sure i didnt and i felt relief. 

It was when i stopped monitoring it i felt like i did wrong and i shot up in panic.

Please can anyone calm me down?

I dont want to be alone with this.

 

Share this post


Link to post

Please don't feel alone, there are so many of us here that know only too well what you are going through. 

OCD has a way of twisting things around to make you believe that you have done something which you really haven't. Unfortunately the more you try and play things through your mind the more things become distorted and thus the more OCD wins.

Keep telling yourself it's OCD and that it likes to tell us lies, especially with things that are so not us. It does this because it knows it hurts and scares us.

Be strong and try and try and occupy yourself with something by keeping busy. Let the thoughts be and remember that's all they are X

Share this post


Link to post

You are, for the umpteenth time, asking for reassurance. Ill say what I always say. It won't work. Reassurance seeking is a compulsion. Any relief you feel is temporary and soon you are back asking for more reassurance.

The cycle has to be broken and you are the one that must break it. 

Share this post


Link to post

When i read that theres a sin that wont be forgiven, that will be held against you forever... How can i not worry?

Im replaying it over and over due to the immense fear that i am unforgiven and have this held against me.

I really dont want to be guilty of it.

I just cant understand why if i am afraid to 'speak' 

Then why do i end up picturing it, feeling close, imagining acting, why do i feel ocd took control? Why are urges so real? Why did i freeze? Why am i even doubting when its such a big fear? Why did i sit there and almost watch myself? What is wrong with me! 

If i stop being careful for a split second this is what happens.

How can it be ocd, i want to see its ocd.

Why does it feel like its me? 

 

Share this post


Link to post

It 'feeling' like you is also a thought... OCD will do all it can do to make you feel like it's you and persuade you that it's not OCD... 

Share this post


Link to post
40 minutes ago, HDC said:

It 'feeling' like you is also a thought... OCD will do all it can do to make you feel like it's you and persuade you that it's not OCD... 

Are they false feelings? 

Share this post


Link to post
1 hour ago, ocdsufferer85 said:

Are they false feelings? 

I don't know. Maybe, maybe not. What good does it do you trying to figure it out? How do you feel when you dig into it?

I have to remind myself that I have two choices -

1. I can drive myself nuts trying to figure it out and go around in my head over and over - getting no closer to the truth. 

2. I can accept OCD is at work and label it as such and try to stop ruminating. 

 

Share this post


Link to post

California is quite correct.

Also, you 'read somewhere' that that's the way it is. Oh? You're this upset because you read something somewhere?

If I write that if you think of purple monkeys enough youll receive  $1 million, would you believe that? Yet you CHOSE to believe this ridiculous statement about being damned forever because you read it somewhere? Have I got that right?

Note the word 'chose' up there.

Edited by PolarBear

Share this post


Link to post

No i read online and it Lead me to the bible quotes. 

I didnt chose, i take it literally and fear the worst.

I didnt chose to find out about it or feel frightened about it.

I worry i am damned forever if i said something, but i didnt, but i 'felt' these 'feelings' that seemed so real..but also it doesnt make sense because ocd cant make you feel the opposite of what you believe...but also in those moments it found a way to really convince me i could do it or lose control, and thats what scares me and makes no sense.

These 'feelings' inside felt so real. Like i imagined myself as my biggest fear...it felt so real. 

Urges and impulses seem so real...and it becomes impossible to know what is real.

The only thing i know 100% without any doubt is that I did and do not ever want to say these thoughts outloud or defy God. I just want peace but ocd doesnt like me to be free.

Its held this over me for years.

The grip is too tight! 

Wow this post is very confusing!

What im trying to explain is that its done a number on me. It really feels like i was a different person for a split second. The feelings that it was me being bad seem so real. I felt close yet numb (i wasnt intending to cause a problem) its when i felt i accidentally did something that was the spike. And it felt like i did wrong... It felt like me. But why would it be me? If it causes me and me alone such grief, why would i want this for myself? I dont.

So basically i had this fear...

I felt some self confidence for once. I had this feeling where i knew i was stronger if that makes sense? A sense of certainty and safety. That my fear was there but i wouldnt go near it, i wouldnt be caught by it. I was finally gonna win and let it fizzle out. I was able to hear these thoughts but not let them worry me. I felt in control. 

The moment i felt the thought process go abit risky (to me as im easily prone to new worries) i checked, i replayed it..this is me performing a safety behaviour right? I was then determined to break this chain of thoughts and walk away knowing ocd could never trick me.

But in doing this i let my guard down....i stopped focusing on my every move...(normal right?) 

Breath comes out..i home in on it, i feel it slowly..and i freak out!

The reason i freak out is because i feel to blame...i had all these things floating in my head, all these feelings, but i stopped them...but then this happens, i feel i let something out (breath, and somehow this is speaking?!)

The crux of it is i feel to blame for

1- listening to ocd 

2- getting caught in this trap of imagining it and almost testing myself

3- this sense of loss of control, like i created the problem. Like i was so confident that i wouldnt mess up...i feel i accidentally did somehow?That i didnt block the thoughts. 

BOOM

OCD WINS. 

Edited by ocdsufferer85
Hadnt finished

Share this post


Link to post
4 hours ago, HDC said:

@californiadreaming is right... :/ you just have to let them go 

When feelings feel real, like in that moment then what do i do? How do i not let ocd convince me of this ****? That its me. It leaves me Carrying guilt. I am not enjoying asking for reassurance btw. I would love nothing more than to be able to recover and help others. :(

Share this post


Link to post
6 minutes ago, ocdsufferer85 said:

I didnt chose, i take it literally and fear the worst.

I didnt chose to find out about it or feel frightened about it.

Can you see that you did exercise a choice, even if it happened so automatically that you weren't aware you were making it?  

You have the option to take what you read literally, or to view to merely as one person's opinion which may have some validity, or may not. You can choose to believe everything you read without questioning it, or to dismiss it as utter rubbish. That's always your choice to make. 

When it comes to bible quotes you have the choice to interpret them literally too, or you can acknowledge every bible in the world is the translation of an original text and therefore partly the subjective opinion of the translator. If the bible you're reading was translated in an era which preached hell-fire and damnation as a way to empower the church and control the populace then chances are it says things like 'some sins are unforgivable'. Read a translation written in a more enlightened era and it will likely say 'there is no sin so great it is beyond God's forgiveness.' You have a choice which version of the bible to read and which to believe.

Finally, you have a choice to ruminate on this or not to ruminate on it. The more you ruminate the more you will scare yourself. If you stop going over it in your mind the fear will recede. So whether to feel fear or not IS a choice, even though you may not view it that way. Even though it feels automatic it is not beyond your control. You have the power to choose not to ruminate and to stop holding onto guilt. You can choose to let it go, forgiving yourself in the process if there is anything to be forgiven. 

Your current choice is to believe what you've read, to carry around guilty feelings, and to keep going over it in your mind. Strange as it seems, you are choosing OCD over letting this go.

We hold the power. OCD is merely the result of the choices we make. When you understand that you'll become less convinced that the stuff you worry over is real and it will stop feeling so real. 

Share this post


Link to post

Hi ocdsufferer85. You're not listening to the sage advice being offered here. I would suggest you reread the responses and properly assimilate each and every word.

Share this post


Link to post

No matter what version you read its there.

I just mean i take speaking literally. 

I try to shake it and stop ruminating but it always creeps back.

I don't choose it though, ocd isnt a choice. 

I dont choose what it latches on to.

Ocd is not a choice,  nobody wants it!

Share this post


Link to post

Have you tried practising mindfulness techniques? It helped me to redirect my attention away from my blasphamous thoughts when I was suffering from scrupulosity. It gave me alot of relief and I still use it today to get through the daily stresses of life.

Share this post


Link to post
6 hours ago, ocdsufferer85 said:

When feelings feel real, like in that moment then what do i do? How do i not let ocd convince me of this ****? That its me. It leaves me Carrying guilt. I am not enjoying asking for reassurance btw. I would love nothing more than to be able to recover and help others. :(

I normally try to let the feeling be, the reason why we have these feelings is because OCD is convincing us that it's us... when honestly, it is not. OCD is a liar, a very convincing, persuasive liar... try not to tie any connection between the thoughts and yourself, the thoughts mean nothing 

Share this post


Link to post
30 minutes ago, ocdsufferer85 said:

Thank you, hopefully i will accept this and allow myself to live again in peace 

No worries ? it's tough... I'm still learning too but we can do it! 

Share this post


Link to post

It honestly feels so strange.

One minute you feel ok, you feel like nothing can bring you down.

The next minute you feel like you failed and did something bad.

My every move is monitored and if its not i feel like a failure.

 

Share this post


Link to post

It will be difficult... sometimes I feel amazing and it's all so silly and then the next it's 100% real and terrifying... just keep going! Give it no power and it'll get better 

 

Share this post


Link to post

I feel like im constantly fighting it.

If i solve one it brings a replacement. 

I have noticed it doesnt like peace of mind

I felt at the time like i was having a breakthrough and within a minute or so that hope i had was pulled from under me. 

The moment i thought "i cannot control these thoughts"  It moved on to the next worry. "what if you spoke them?"

Its VERY confusing and convincing when you are sat there and all these thoughts are flying around, i am so worried about it being me, feelings related to intrusive thoughts, they feel real.

Why did i slip up is the question that goes round and round. 

"what if you didnt know if you spoke?" 

I felt breath come out..what came out?!

It felt so real. SO REAL.

How can i Suddenly feel like im my biggest fear?!

Why do i feel like i lost control?  Why? Im better than this! 

 

Share this post


Link to post

OCD S, if you're talking about the passage I think you're talking about - it doesn't mean a bad thought against the Holy Spirit. It means something very different that I can't put into words - but OCD thoughts are okay. Look it up in terms of OCD - there's a whole load of theology on it that will calm your fears. This is a classic cause of OCD; theologists can explain it better. My religious psychologist really helped and put my mind at rest about it.

Share this post


Link to post
3 hours ago, Cub said:

OCD S, if you're talking about the passage I think you're talking about - it doesn't mean a bad thought against the Holy Spirit. It means something very different that I can't put into words - but OCD thoughts are okay. Look it up in terms of OCD - there's a whole load of theology on it that will calm your fears. This is a classic cause of OCD; theologists can explain it better. My religious psychologist really helped and put my mind at rest about it.

Hi, yeah i know but i took it literally.

"speak against" 

My head was then flooded with intrusive thoughts because i didnt want to have them. 

Then it turned to what if i spoke..(i read online somewhere that someone was afraid they spoke under their breath) and i had horrible thoughts, ideas, impulses and feelings. 

I felt relief that i would NEVER let that happen 

I didnt want to speak. I didnt speak.. But ocd will have me believe i did. Even though the thought wasnt mine. The words werent mine.

I ended up so obsessed that i started to picture it, i tried to rationalise it, i thought surely its not so simple? But it lead me to imagine doing it, to picture it with no intent, (calm because i trusted i would never act) i felt my mouth, i felt like i made a breath noise, i checked over what happened and realised nothing had happened. I was safe.

But then i felt breath come out when i wasnt concentrating. Suddenly i fear i spoke under my breath (like it fell out without me knowing,impossible i know) But it wont go away. 

The guilt and fear is relentless,  all over a breath :( sounds crazy but breathing... It felt like i pushed breath out.

I Suddenly immediately doubted myself.

I didnt want these thoughts,  i didnt want these ideas, and i didnt want these feelings where i felt like some nasty evil person who would say bad things,  but i feel a failure.

I know 100% that i dont want to be bad, i dont agree with any of this vile ocd. I just want to be at peace and not lose God.

I am told its all ocd. 

Its the complete opposite of what i want, it was my biggest fear, the worst worry ever, so why do i now feel guilty of it? 

Is this insane?

Share this post


Link to post

Can you look at this from a secular point of view? The bible, especially the old testament is full of guilt-inducing pronouncements, not healthy for anyone. When I was a child I got really scared about a passage about calling someone a fool and wondered if I ever had but later realized it was nonsense. Personally I view God as love, not as the angry, jealous father figure in the bible. We can still believe in God but we don't have to believe every single word in a series of books written by random people.

What snowbear said makes a lot of sense. :)

Share this post


Link to post

I just want to let it go and know its ocd.

I dont want to be that person. 

I want to see that what im worried about is purely an illness. 

But when you're deep in it you cant see what others see.

I know its frustrating for people around me and on here, but its more frustrating for me having to ask.

I am tired of distorted memories.

I am sick of being so unhappy and frightened. 

I am also fed up of not being able to take the advice. I cant shake the fear.

I am not choosing to suffer i just can't seem to feel better.

Share this post


Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×