At my wit's end

[jlmdfem]

Hi

I'm 21 and have had POCD since i was 17 and recently I've been worrying that I like the thoughts and it makes me feel so so disgusting and I honestly can't deal with it anymore. Like I feel like a fraud in my own family and that if they knew what was going round my head they wouldn't want to know me. I feel so guilty because when I "check" it's like I imagine either myself or someone else acting on the thoughts and then I feel so so guilty for checking because I'm like how could I ever think something like that if I don't want to do it?! And how could I think something like that anyway?! Yet i still do because it feels like it helps and it doesn't. And then I realise of course I don't want to do it but at the same time feel incredibly guilty for checking and then the guilt overtakes and I just crumble. I've recently managed to get a job after the last three months of constant searching since I graduated, so i should be really happy but i feel like I'm never going to be happy around my family because I'm this horrible fraud who doesn't deserve nice family and friends. When my parents tell me they love me I wince and want to cry because I feel like they wouldn't love me if they knew what was going on in my head. I self harmed today for the first time in a year because I felt so guilty for the checking that I have done this whole time and now I feel even worse. I don't know what to do. I just want to go back to before it started when I loved kids and couldn't wait to be a mother. I know there's not much to say but if anyone could offer any support or advice I would really appreciate it as I'm currently sat on my bed trying not to cry infront of my family  

[Donnahoney1]

This is all ocd at play including the checking which is a compulsion, intrusive thoughts are very upsetting and horrific at times but thoughts are not actions they are just thoughts and don't mean anything about you whatsoever! A person who does those despicable things would not feel guilty at all! Carry on living your life and enjoy your new job which you have probably worked very hard to deserve, and try ignore the thoughts and stop the compulsions as this only makes the thoughts worse. Before long they will become less and less as you show ocd you don't care what it tells you! Don't let it beat you, you are stronger than ocd! 

[Donnahoney1]

Also try seeking therapy if you haven't had it already or maybe go back and ask to be referred again. As it can be a huge help!

[PolarBear]

Hi jlm. My pedophile thoughts started when I was 15. I know what you're going through. The guilt, the shame... all part of OCD's web. 

You can learn to let go of the thoughts and treat them as unimportant, random noise. You can also learn to limit and stop those checking compulsions. Life will get better when you do.

Have you looked into getting CBT?

[jlmdfem]

Hi

Thank you both for your responses, I really appreciate the advice and support. I have had CBT a few times and I am waiting for my referral from my GP to start it up again but it is taking a while. I'm going to chase them up on it today. 

Thank you both very much, I really felt very lonely and down last night so I appreciate it a lot x

[Gary.p]

I hope your feeling a bit better today, OCD can be so horrible and cruel.

just remember, this is not you, it's your OCD!!

When I first had thoughts similar to yours, I felt disgusted with myself and thought there weren't many(if any) people like me. But after joining on this forum and listening to the advice of people like polarbear and others. I'm finally seeing light at the end of the tunnel. I still have bad days but I'm getting there, and you will to!????????

Edited September 12, 2017 by Gary.p