POCD or I’m just horrible

[lily17]

Hi everyone, I’m Lily and I’m new to the forum. This is the second time I post about this because I asked my first post to be deleted because it was distressing me as no one was responding (yeah I was a bit impatient because eventually someone responded but then it got deleted) well anyway, I’ve been suffering from OCD since I was like 10, triggered by my grandfather’s death, my OCD would have a party insulting my beloved grandpa and I could not stop it, the insults were invading my mind and I would punch myself in desperate efforts to make them stop. They eventually did. Then I started to obsess with counting every single number on the street, especially car plates, summing up the numbers with each other, etc. I’ve had magical thinking and I still do, sometimes, and worry so much. My hand washing obsession started a bit later where I would wash my hands till they would bleed, I still do this but not till that point. I’ve even used bleach to wash them... and I’m still obsessing about generally germs, but it’s certaintly not my main obsession, that is the obsession with being a pedophile. And I don’t even know if I should be posting this here or on a pedophile forum but listen, the other day I tapped my sister’s cheek as something you do, you know? Totally normal. Then my mind went like “did you touch her with a sexual intention” and I started to feel very anxious and worried about it and I got so paranoid that I had to literally force myself to touch my sister’s face again with those intentions on my mind, so I literally touched her like that for a second. Then I completely broke down... Please believe, I wasn’t trying to get any sexual gratification from it, and I didn’t get any, the purpose was to shut up my mind but of course I felt terribly awful after doing it and I’ve been feeling pretty suicidal, I even had to go to ER. There they told me that even though they couldn't diagnose me, I have obsessive symptoms and I’m currently on medication again, but it’s the medication my psychiatrist put me on for GAD!!! I can’t seem to stop this, my mum knows everything and yesterday my mind was telling me “touch her as something sexual, touch her as something sexual” and before doing it I was having a massive groinal response because we were in a really crowded place and well, I have GAD. But then I touched her back with that obsessive thought on my mind telling me to touch her in a sexual way, and I did it!!!! I felt really horrible and I had to confess to her but I just di and she told me my mind is just revolutionated and not to worry she doesn’t believe I’m a deviant. I even touched my dog with that thought on my mind! And my father! This is torture and I can’t seem to stop, now I’m afraid to touch anyone, earlier I was petting my dog and I was getting thoughts that said “are you touching him to pleasure yourself?” and now I don’t know if I was  I’m seeing my grandma’s friend tomorrow who is a therapist so that he can see me and he’s recommending me an OCD specialist but what if I’m just a deviant... I’m literally so scared I can’t be a pedophile, I can’t be literally a monster  help would be much appreciated thank you x 

Edited October 1, 2017 by lily17

[lily17]

Spoiler

 

Please note that I didn’t like doing any of these things AT ALL and I didn’t take sexual pleasure from them and I wasn’t looking for that.Someone help me I’m so distressed right now  I love my family but I’m not attracted to them and I don’t know why I’m doing these things to just hurt myself. I’m so sick of this.

Edited October 1, 2017 by lily17

[Pikachu]

It's all OCD. The random questions, the ruminating, the being scared. It doesn't matter what your OCD is about because it's all the same formula of obsessing and then doing compulsions. This is just a particular way your OCD has decided to manifest. )-:

OCD will always try and trick you into thinking it's real. This is very scary, I'm sure, but if it ever crops up just remind yourself it's OCD. It can't actually hurt you and it's lying to you. Eventually you'll probably find yourself forgetting and just slipping back into routine.

[lily17]

I just can’t get over the fact I touched them (what hurts me the most is that i touched my sister like that, because my OCD is focused on her) with the obsessive thought of touching them in a sexual manner in my mind, purposely touched them, to just punish myself or something I don’t know I just wasn’t looking for sexual gratification... I think... now my mind is trying to tell me I was and I was so sure I didn’t do it like that but I guess that OCD makes you doubt of everything. Everytime I check looking at my sister, feels like I like it. Like I actually like it and same with the thoughts. And I feel so sick to my stomach, I can’t deal with this anymore...I’m finally turning into a horrible monster

Edited October 1, 2017 by lily17

[lily17]

6 hours ago, Pikachu said:

It's all OCD. The random questions, the ruminating, the being scared. It doesn't matter what your OCD is about because it's all the same formula of obsessing and then doing compulsions. This is just a particular way your OCD has decided to manifest. )-:

OCD will always try and trick you into thinking it's real. This is very scary, I'm sure, but if it ever crops up just remind yourself it's OCD. It can't actually hurt you and it's lying to you. Eventually you'll probably find yourself forgetting and just slipping back into routine.

Anyway thank you for your words, Pikachu. I really do appreciate it  

[PolarBear]

Touching her and others again was nothing more than a checking compulsion. Very common.

I suggest you read up on OCD as a starting point. You need to understand the concepts of obsessions and compulsions. Start by going to the main OCD-UK site and read up on the info about OCD.

[lily17]

Thank you so much, PolarBear. I will do that

[lily17]

But when I touched my little sister on her face for a second I didn’t think “let’s test myself” I just did what my mind was telling me to do with that intention to make the anxiety stop, but it caused me an anxiety attack, same with mum. I wasn’t try to sexually please myself in any of the situations  

[lily17]

Sorry I’m just repeating myself but I’m so worried that I’ve done something horrible, my mum says that I didn’t, that my mind is so revolutionated and makes me do that stuff to hurt myself and only but myself

Edited October 2, 2017 by lily17

[PolarBear]

On 02/10/2017 at 00:39, lily17 said:

But when I touched my little sister on her face for a second I didn’t think “let’s test myself” I just did what my mind was telling me to do with that intention to make the anxiety stop, but it caused me an anxiety attack, same with mum. I wasn’t try to sexually please myself in any of the situations  

You did by have to think abouttesting. The end result is that we're you testing your reaction. It's a simple compulsion. All standard fare for OCD.

[lily17]

I don’t really understand the first sentence? All I know is I would never do it to get sexual gratification out of it 

[PolarBear]

Sorry, that was a terrible post. Let me rephrase.

You didn't have to think "I'll test my reaction" when you did it. You just did it and that was a testing compulsion. It's simple, straight forward OCD.

[lily17]

I understand now! Thank you so much, PolarBear!!!! 

[PolarBear]

Youre welcome.

[ocdsufferer85]

Is mine a testing compulsion too @PolarBear? 

Testing if I would speak or if I would come close to only to freak out when I felt something?

I don't think it was to make the anxiety go away, it was just maybe to prove I wouldn't, or an unwanted urge, I don't know. 

I just want to understand this whole "testing" thing 

 

[PolarBear]

Well yes it vould be but you know, it was so long ago it really doesn't matter anymore.

You've never figured it out in five years, no matter how much thinking you put into it. Another five years of thinking will net you the same result. It's time to give it up.