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I’m having a panic attack because my little sister showed me a nail little scar on her arm and I touched it and now I’m thinking I did it for sexual gratification because I got a groinal response I’m not sure if I already had it before touching her arm because I was already anxious but I’m freaking out because I also got the feeling of liking the groinal response and I don’t remember what was I thinking before touching her arm well yeah I was feeling sorry because I did that nail scar to her once we were fighting and when I touched it then I wanted to kiss it because I feel guilty for that too but I got afraid of kissing it because I got the thought that I touched her arm for sexual gratification and I can’t stop crying I’ve been avoiding contact with her lately because of the fear of touching her for those reasons and now I don’t know if I did :( sorry I’m double-posting today... I’m a mess 

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Please I know I ask too much for reassurance but I literally dont know other thing to do than killing myself after this I don’t know if I had the thought to touch her with those reasons. My mind is making it seem that way but I don’t know I’m freaking out I’m never coming close to her again I was finally making contact with her, little by little, but I got that thought after touching her arm and I literally can’t cope with this.

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You are clearly very distressed and believe me, I  and other forum users know how distressing this condition can be. Intrusive thoughts have nothing to do with intent for OCD sufferers. With a bit of calmness which can help dismiss or make the thoughts less "real" and appropriate treatment you can move on. The thoughts are not you - they are a manifestation of a very cruel condition.

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But I don’t know if I had a thought before touching my sister’s arm? I legit had one after doing so, telling me that I did it with that intention :( so what’s the truth I can’t cope with this anymore

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Guest David green
1 minute ago, lily17 said:

But I don’t know if I had a thought before touching my sister’s arm? I legit had one after doing so, telling me that I did it with that intention :( so what’s the truth I can’t cope with this anymore

You will cope not long ago i was in a mess posting message after message on here and i have the same theme as you.Try and rest try to calm down if you was a bad person you wouldnt care would you but your all stressed and worried so you do care.I nearly got stuck in a mental hospital that was so dirty but i was so lucky to get out the next day.You wouldnt want to end up in there so calm down because if you do they could section you.

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Lily this is becoming a daily occurrence. Can you see the commonality among all these minor incidents? You do get intrusive thoughts that you had sexual motives. You do compulsions to try and alleviate the distress caused by the intrusive thoughts. Its the same thing over and over.

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22 minutes ago, David green said:

You will cope not long ago i was in a mess posting message after message on here and i have the same theme as you.Try and rest try to calm down if you was a bad person you wouldnt care would you but your all stressed and worried so you do care.I nearly got stuck in a mental hospital that was so dirty but i was so lucky to get out the next day.You wouldnt want to end up in there so calm down because if you do they could section you.

I feel like I even deserve to end up in the dirtiest place on Earth. I don’t know what to do, what to think. I would never touch a child to pleasure myself but after touching her arm I even noticed I had a groinal response and along with it a feeling of liking it... I don’t know if I had it before touching her arm or not but :( I just can’t 

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1 minute ago, PolarBear said:

Lily this is becoming a daily occurrence. Can you see the commonality among all these minor incidents? You do get intrusive thoughts that you had sexual motives. You do compulsions to try and alleviate the distress caused by the intrusive thoughts. Its the same thing over and over.

But i don’t know if I had the thought of touching her like that and I simply dismissed it and touched her arm anyway cause of her scar or I didn’t have a thought at all and just touched it and after doing so it’s when I had the thought telling me I did it for a sexual reason? My mind is a mess right now oh my god I’m losing it

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Guest David green

Trust me you wouldnt wanna be in hospital your gonna get better and feel better in time you need some rest.

I was just like you worrying and stressing you need to look after yourself and think of nice things.

Please rest

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35 minutes ago, David green said:

Trust me you wouldnt wanna be in hospital your gonna get better and feel better in time you need some rest.

I was just like you worrying and stressing you need to look after yourself and think of nice things.

Please rest

I wish I could listen but right now I’m convinced I’m just horrible :( thank you for your words anyway, David.

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Guest David green
4 minutes ago, lily17 said:

I wish I could listen but right now I’m convinced I’m just horrible :( thank you for your words anyway, David.

Thats ok ive felt the same beleave me your not alone just give yourself time to get through this rough patch.

Here check this vid out :)

 

Edited by David green
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Hi,

I too suffered terribly with these thoughts, but they focused on younger family members at the time. I couldn't bear to hug them or be near them because my mind would manipulate it into something inappropriate.

One of the best things I found (probably not useful now) but was exposure therapy. So not being afraid of the hug or whatever, and if there was a groinal response or thought, label it as OCD. Detach it from yourself, it's not you thinking this, its OCD. 

I also was taught a technique of clenching my muscles working from my feet up to my head, each for 10 seconds and then picturing myself somewhere calm, like a boat or something you would find calming. I really found it calmed me and it was the only way I could sleep before my meds.

Hope this helps and that you feel better!

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1 hour ago, David green said:

Thats ok ive felt the same beleave me your not alone just give yourself time to get through this rough patch.

Here check this vid out :)

 

Thank you for the link, David. It really helped me realise things and made me calm down x 

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32 minutes ago, MissSparrow07 said:

Hi,

I too suffered terribly with these thoughts, but they focused on younger family members at the time. I couldn't bear to hug them or be near them because my mind would manipulate it into something inappropriate.

One of the best things I found (probably not useful now) but was exposure therapy. So not being afraid of the hug or whatever, and if there was a groinal response or thought, label it as OCD. Detach it from yourself, it's not you thinking this, its OCD. 

I also was taught a technique of clenching my muscles working from my feet up to my head, each for 10 seconds and then picturing myself somewhere calm, like a boat or something you would find calming. I really found it calmed me and it was the only way I could sleep before my meds.

Hope this helps and that you feel better!

The irony of all of this is when my OCD first hit me, I would hug my sister to demonstrate myself I didn't feel sexual attraction for her, and it worked somehow but some events happened and I started to fear even touching her... and it’s where I am now. I don’t even understand it. How can a disorder literally ruin your life, making yourself question every single thing you do. I guess it's good I’m questioning myself and being so distressed because if I wasn’t... well it wouldn’t be OCD. I try to tell that to myself but when I’m in the middle of a worry, I can’t think straight!!! Thank you for taking your time to type down your experience, I can relate to it and I’ll try out that technique x

Edited by lily17
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Now I’m worried again and this is more serious. So I was half asleep on the couch and my sister sits next to me and I was goofing around so I pulled out my hand in order to touch her shoulder or something but couldn’t bring myself to touch her and I wanted to touch her for sexual reasons that’s why I’m freaking out I legit had those reasons or wanted her to touch my hand and she pushed my hand away and I was like satisfied I even pulled a smirk wtf???? I was half asleep I wasn’t thinking straight and now I’m freaking out but I’m convinced I had those reasons and I think it made me aroused :(  

Edited by lily17
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She just went to school and kissed me on the cheek and I kissed on hers and I didn’t particularly feel anything but I’m worried about what I typed above. I’m sick and tired of this I’m not sexually attracted to my little sister but why did I try to touch her with those reasons and when she pushed my hand away I pulled a smirk because it annoyed her because she was also half asleep and doesn’t like to be touched (i couldn’t bring myself to touch her but still :( ) I don’t understand, I was feeling better because of the incident of yesterday and now this... maybe me my mind tricked me into thinking I had those reasons but I really don’t think so. I think this time is the truth and now everytime I touch her it will be with those reasons against my will apparently :( 

Edited by lily17
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I don’t know if I wanted to touch her for those reasons and couldn’t bring myself to even touch her or I wanted her to touch me for those reasons I’m going insane and the worst thing is that I got a groinal response and I liked it I think. 

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30 minutes ago, PhilM said:

Either you liked it or you didn't. In your heart, what do YOU think?

I don’t know. I don’t know anything I’m so confused I think I had a groinal response but it’s absurd because she barely touched my hand and I didn’t touch her though but I think I had one with a feeling of liking it I don’t know I was half asleep :( 

Edited by lily17
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I am so anxious and I can’t think straight I was half asleep when the thing happened and I might have had those intentions to touch her or I was just goofing around either way I couldn’t touch her cause I’m afraid to do it but the thing is that I think I felt something when she pushed away my hand (which was in the air and she thought I was gonna touch her and she generally doesn’t like being touched) and then I smirked??? Maybe I was just being silly I don’t even know

Edited by lily17
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I couldn’t touch her because I’m afraid to do it and I left my hand next to her but without touching her, why would I have those intentions if I was even afraid to touch her I don’t understand. Also I don’t know if maybe I wanted her to touch my hand to feel something wtf? Both cases, I deserve to die.  

Edited by lily17
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 I’ve become my worst fear, this is it. I should leave this forum, clearly I’m a sick pedophile. I apparently tried to touch her with those intentions and I couldn’t touch her because I’m terrified to do it so she touched my hand and I had a brief feeling of arousal which felt good, I think. I should die.

Edited by lily17
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