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13 minutes ago, lily17 said:

So I’m on escitalopram and lorazepam for my GAD. I had to take one pill of escitalopram(10mg) and 0.5 of lorazepam in the morning but a few hours ago I took 4.5 pills of lorazepam (1mg) all at once and then I took two pills of escitalopram. I don’t think that was OCD the attraction felt real 

Tell your mum what you have taken, then she can decide whether to seek medical help.

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I get it, I really do. Brain is a horrible thing, but you are getting reassurance from this forum (which is good cos it's help but bad long term cos you'll keep needing to seek reassurance) 

 

Have a read of this: http://www.ocdaction.org.uk/forum/ocd-and-intrusive-thoughts/sexual-ocd-and-groinal-response-which-not-actual-arousal

 

Hopefully it will help, but the best thing to do is try to accept that your brain is lying to you, OCD is cunning, it will try and argue back every single way, like a stalemate in chess. Accept it is not you, it is an illness and hopefully that will get you on the road to feeling better. :)

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11 minutes ago, MissSparrow07 said:

I get it, I really do. Brain is a horrible thing, but you are getting reassurance from this forum (which is good cos it's help but bad long term cos you'll keep needing to seek reassurance) 

 

Have a read of this: http://www.ocdaction.org.uk/forum/ocd-and-intrusive-thoughts/sexual-ocd-and-groinal-response-which-not-actual-arousal

 

Hopefully it will help, but the best thing to do is try to accept that your brain is lying to you, OCD is cunning, it will try and argue back every single way, like a stalemate in chess. Accept it is not you, it is an illness and hopefully that will get you on the road to feeling better. :)

l read that link long ago, I call it the one link who saved me, cause I didn’t know what the hell was going on with me. Even though I’ve already read it, thank you for sharing. I try to accept every single thing that worries me is OCD, but it’s so hard.

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If i did for 40 years you can for a while.

Stop thinking that the sky is falling. You have a mental disorder. That's tough enough to deal with, let alone bashing yourself for no good reason. If anything you should get mad... at the disorder that has been thrust upon You, not yourself.

You need to calm down. You seem to be the kind of person who quite frankly flus off the handle when something negative happens. That's not going to do you any good. You need a cool head to come to terms with your disorder.

Right off the bat you need to try and get your ruminating under control. I know you're sitting there thinking about all this, again and again. It's a compulsion and it's a vicious circle. No good comes from ruminating. It only makes you feel worse. Try to get your mind onto something else.

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1 hour ago, PolarBear said:

If i did for 40 years you can for a while.

Stop thinking that the sky is falling. You have a mental disorder. That's tough enough to deal with, let alone bashing yourself for no good reason. If anything you should get mad... at the disorder that has been thrust upon You, not yourself.

You need to calm down. You seem to be the kind of person who quite frankly flus off the handle when something negative happens. That's not going to do you any good. You need a cool head to come to terms with your disorder.

Right off the bat you need to try and get your ruminating under control. I know you're sitting there thinking about all this, again and again. It's a compulsion and it's a vicious circle. No good comes from ruminating. It only makes you feel worse. Try to get your mind onto something else.

I do try distracting myself with other things like watching movies but then I realise that I do not deserve any of that anymore and I pause the video, end up crying and that leads to a panic attack where I literally go out of my mind punching everything and hitting myself, etc. I don’t know how to cope, really. It’s so unfair how my life’s been literally destroyed. 

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10 hours ago, PolarBear said:

It hasn't been destroyed. Your perception is all messed up because you haven't figured out how to properly handle the thoughts.

It feels like that. Can OCD convince you right away that you’ve done something with the wrong reasons and then you think about it and maybe it wasn’t like that but you don't know... I’m talking about me trying to touch my sister with those reasons because I replay the moment and it feels like that honestly I don’t know :( 

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Yes OCD is incredibly convincing. Mainly it's doubt and doubt is fueled by compulsions, the more compulsions you do the more you doubt things therefore the more compulsions you do and so on. That is the trap that you need to get out of. The only way out is CBT. Are you seeing a therapist, have you had CBT? 

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Like it feels like I wanted to touch her with those reasons my first post about it says “i legit” and I uploaded minutes after it happening. I didn’t touch her because I’m afraid but I’m so worried because it feels as though I wanted to touch her for sexual reasons and just couldn’t bring myself to do it I’m struggling so much with this because why didn’t I move my hand? Why did I wait for her to push it away? And did it give me a groinal response? I think so. I just can’t stop thinking :( 

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Just now, Gemma7 said:

Yes OCD is incredibly convincing. Mainly it's doubt and doubt is fueled by compulsions, the more compulsions you do the more you doubt things therefore the more compulsions you do and so on. That is the trap that you need to get out of. The only way out is CBT. Are you seeing a therapist, have you had CBT? 

I’m finally seeing an OCD therapist the next week, but I’m so afraid this doesn’t seem like OCD anymore I don’t know 

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Being afraid is normal and loads of sufferers have been in your position but start to act like you believe it is OCD. Feeling like it is will come second. You'll be OK lily you're just in a bad place with OCD at the moment that's all.

Edited by Gemma7
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Hi Lily,

I can't give you reassurance- it will only help temporarily.  I've had very similar issues to you in the past...

Try to stop the ruminating... every time you get the thought, refocus.  Keep yourself occupied as best as you can.  I'm very familiar with the thought that you don't deserve life- I've been there.  It will pass.  Treat the thoughts like OCD.  Don't ruminate about your movements or what you were thinking when you made them.

This will all pass if you work at it and treat it as OCD.

I'm glad you are seeing a therapist- it's a classic OCD response to fear that it's not OCD.  I've been there too!

Regards,

Binx

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1 minute ago, Gemma7 said:

Being afraid is normal and loads of sufferers have been in your position but start to act like you believe it is OCD. Feeling like it is will come second. You'll be OK lily you're just in a bad place with OCD at the moment that's all.

It’s like I wonder “would they know about my theme?” “would they know enough to not misdiagnose me?” or if they do diagnose me with OCD, i’ll be like “they got the diagnosis wrong” and things like that... i have done things that really felt like me and not OCD that’s why i’m so worried ?

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2 minutes ago, lily17 said:

It’s like I wonder “would they know about my theme?” “would they know enough to not misdiagnose me?” 

Completely typical OCD response/worry.

3 minutes ago, lily17 said:

 or if they do diagnose me with OCD, i’ll be like “they got the diagnosis wrong” and things like that.

Completely typical OCD response/worry.

3 minutes ago, lily17 said:

 i have done things that really felt like me and not OCD that’s why i’m so worried ?

Completely typical OCD response/worry.

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4 minutes ago, Binxy said:

Hi Lily,

I can't give you reassurance- it will only help temporarily.  I've had very similar issues to you in the past...

Try to stop the ruminating... every time you get the thought, refocus.  Keep yourself occupied as best as you can.  I'm very familiar with the thought that you don't deserve life- I've been there.  It will pass.  Treat the thoughts like OCD.  Don't ruminate about your movements or what you were thinking when you made them.

This will all pass if you work at it and treat it as OCD.

I'm glad you are seeing a therapist- it's a classic OCD response to fear that it's not OCD.  I've been there too!

Regards,

Binx

Thank you Binx, I’ll try to think about your words, but I’m currently feeling so low that I can’t even get out of bed. 

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They are all questions fuelled by doubt and anxiety, which is natural coming from someone with OCD. We as sufferers have to put our trust in health professionals, trust they will understand, trust that they have diagnosed us correctly, but that is all worth it to rid yourself of OCD.

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I know how hard it is.  You're where I was three years ago- I spent some time in hospital I was so down.  It's so much harder when you are depressed too.  But, you have to fight.  Label the thoughts as OCD and don't engage with them. Keep doing this.  You have to work your way out of the rut you're in.  Get yourself out of bed.  Get some fresh air.  You can't think your way out of this- it has to come from positive action.  Believe that it's OCD and every time you doubt it, reset yourself in to labelling it as OCD again.

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5 minutes ago, Gemma7 said:

They are all questions fuelled by doubt and anxiety, which is natural coming from someone with OCD. We as sufferers have to put our trust in health professionals, trust they will understand, trust that they have diagnosed us correctly, but that is all worth it to rid yourself of OCD.

Let’s see if the specialist I’ve been recommended to is good, she has a Master on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and has worked with many OCD sufferers before, which is good! 

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5 minutes ago, Binxy said:

I know how hard it is.  You're where I was three years ago- I spent some time in hospital I was so down.  It's so much harder when you are depressed too.  But, you have to fight.  Label the thoughts as OCD and don't engage with them. Keep doing this.  You have to work your way out of the rut you're in.  Get yourself out of bed.  Get some fresh air.  You can't think your way out of this- it has to come from positive action.  Believe that it's OCD and every time you doubt it, reset yourself in to labelling it as OCD again.

I pretty much believe I was depressed before OCD hit me, and it’s only made it worse. I’ve never been diagnosed tho, because my psychiatrist was a bit... eh. But I believe depression + GAD + OCD = nuclear bomb :( I’ve suffered for so long and it’s time for me to be treated. I deserve it.

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Just now, lily17 said:

I deserve it.

That's right you do.

Recovery starts now Lily.  Remember the help you've been given on this thread.  Remember they are just thoughts and they mean nothing.  Zero tolerence.

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6 minutes ago, Binxy said:

That's right you do.

Recovery starts now Lily.  Remember the help you've been given on this thread.  Remember they are just thoughts and they mean nothing.  Zero tolerence.

Thank you so much! :) 

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On 10/17/2017 at 08:56, lily17 said:

 I was goofing around so I pulled out my hand in order to touch her shoulder or something but couldn’t bring myself to touch her and I wanted to touch her for sexual reasons that’s why I’m freaking out I legit had those reasons or wanted her to touch my hand and she pushed my hand away and I was like satisfied I even pulled a smirk wtf???? I was half asleep I wasn’t thinking straight and now I’m freaking out but I’m convinced I had those reasons and I think it made me aroused :(  

I’m so so worried because I typed “legit” and then I think I simply started to ruminate about it to see if there were other explanations and I think that’s the truth I typed that right after it happened and I think I just don’t want to accept it or something I don’t know ?

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