Obsessing that I Offended Jeffrey Schwartz

[NoahsArk]

I should've written this post a long time ago since it's been bothering me so long.

When I was 20, Jeffrey Schwartz's book, Brain Lock, saved me from severe OCD. My grades in college completely turned around, and I got started to get a handle on my life. He is one of my heroes.

Back in around 2007, I looked up his email and wrote him a thank you note for how his book helped me. I wasn't sure if he'd respond, but he actually did and thanked me for telling him.

Then, about two or three years ago, I decided to email him again. I don't know why, but this time I felt the need to comment on some of his philosophical views and try and engage him in a discussion. I don't know if he ever read that email or, if he did, if he remembered from writing back in 2007. He never responded however. Dr. Schwartz is a defender of free will, and frequently writes about it. He also believes in God. I had been listening to lectures on line by Sam Harris about how free will is an illusion, and how there is no way that we could have chosen anyway than the way we chose things in the past. I told Dr. Schwartz that while I believe in God, I don't believe in free will, and that it's actually a comforting feeling not to believe in it, because it relieves pressure over feeling guilty about past decisions. My comment was unnecessary, and I don't know why I thought I should write Dr. Schwartz that email. First of all, now he might think that I did really bad things, like harming someone, and that I'm trying to let myself of the hook by not believing in free will. Although I've done things that I feel guilty about, they did not involve physically harming others, and some of it was also OCD guilt.

Also, I feel like I insulted him by making making a comment against free will when he believes in it and writes about it.

What makes this all bad is that now I feel like one of my heroes is against me, and it takes my confidence away. Even though I don't know him personally, just thinking about his work and his words of encouragement to people inspires me. He's like the encouraging and supportive voice inside my head. However, now that I feel he's against me, it's harder to feel encouraged and supported.

What should I make of all this?

Thanks

[paradoxer]

You should make of it - as just a written rumination. OCD, as I suspect you know, will try to undermine you in any way it can. It will try to sabotage any attempts to break free from its time- wasting absurd siren call. If that means - on this occasion -  apparently insulting a hero - it'll use it. How better or tidier to get in the way of your recovery? Let it go man, let it go. 

[Ashley]

7 hours ago, NoahsArk said:

What makes this all bad is that now I feel like one of my heroes is against me, and it takes my confidence away

So what?

Don't let that define your life.... as Paradxoer says, let it go.  If your OCD is biting on to this, then letting go is not easy and you may need to get some help and support to work through this.

But so what if your hero is against you, find a new hero!  If a hero is so easily offended by differing views then they're not worthy of hero status in the first place. But equally you don't know they are offended by your comments because he didn't reply, so actually it's that old OCD beast called 'uncertainty' again. And what we need to learn to do with uncertainty is accept it and 'let it go' (easier said than done of course).

[NoahsArk]

Thank you Paradoxer and Ashley. Your words are very helpful. It's true that OCD does use any way it can to get at me, both in this case and in lots of other ways, and I will keep that in mind for the future. I appreciate you helping me in trying to resolve this long standing problem.

 

[paradoxer]

NoahsArk, you're welcome - you know OCD's game plan -  so don't allow it the edge. All the best.