Any help is much appreciated. Need relief!

[paco5959]

I have been struggling with the same guilty memory, obsessive ruminating and the urge to confess- since this time last year. I was diagnosed eith OCD as a child and it has morphed throughout my life (I’m now 30).  It popped into my head, and has taken up space, moved in, and is now a constant in my head. It will go away for a few weeks by ignoring, constant distraction, ERT (just from what I’ve read online although it scares me and don’t want to go too far without a therapist guidance). 

 

All of my recent OCD revolves around relationship OCD, guilt and the need to confess anything that feels like cheating a dirty secrets. This time last year it manifested after a memory I had.. I’ve been with my boyfriend for going on 4 years, and I was previously married, and legally separated when my current boyfriend and I started up. My boyfriend knows all of this and was there by my side even when I went to court. It is the grey area within the first couple months of meeting, liking, dating, exc. that I obsess most about. 

 

Almost 4 years ago in September after a few months of courting (we knew of each other previously, but started going on dates in July) I asked my current boyfriend  in September if we were exclusive and he said no. He said no (side note: I asked him in a hospital when one of us had a horrible flu, so understandable). Shortly there after we were exclusive. Here’s where the OCD comes in... I thought there was a chance me and the ex could be friends and of course were still in contact from recent court, exc. In that same September, I went to a Freedom Rally with some people and my ex was in the group, and my in that same September, my cat died and I was a wreck and my ex came over and cleared out the cat belongings... it doesn’t seem like a big deal maybe but because my fear is cheating and I can’t remember, the false memories start and I imagine me kissing, cheating, everting with my ex and then I feel sick because I can’t remember if it’s a real memory or a mis-placed memory of my ex from the past that my OCD is trying to twist in my brain to feel like I’ve done something horribly wrong. 

 

I already confessed something that was in the very beginning of my current relationship that my OCD grabbed onto that everyone told me not to. I slept over at a party and shared a bed with someone but NOTHING happens. I even told the guy I was starting to see someone and really liked him, so we just slept. Trusted friends, my old therapist. Once I caved to the ocd and I told my current boyfriend about it, he was so upset, and literally said “I wish you listened to them and didn’t tell me anything- why would you tell me that?”

 

It sparked up again HARD in my brain last night while out with my boyfriend and his friend. He was explaining to me that his good friend and girlfriend are going though a very hard time, she cheated on him early in the beginning of their 5 year long relationship. This... immediately switched on my OCD button and it went completely insane into hard drive... I am unable to separate other situations from my own, and it leaves me totally panicked and convinced I cheated also, and must confess.

 

I know even writing on this blog is a form of reassurance seeking so I try to not do it unless I feel very lost. It always amazes me how horrible these OCD flare ups are. My old therapist used to say, “when your compass is off, it’s okay to use the ones of those who’s aren’t broken right now”..

 

Does anyone have some words of wisdom?

[Ashley]

59 minutes ago, paco5959 said:

“when your compass is off, it’s okay to use the ones of those who’s aren’t broken right now”

Not sure I agree with your therapist (but it depends in what context it was aid). What I mean by this is that sometimes it can be helpful to seek guidance from others, I did that when I needed to understand what a 'normal' shower is after I overcame that part of my OCD. But the problem is I got 10 different responses ranging from 5 minutes to 20 minutes, so ultimately I still needed to make my own decision in terms of dealing with my OCD.  So yes if your therapist meant seeking some guidance once with something you're not sure about then yes that's ok,  but if they meant every time you have an 'uncertainty' then no because that's then reassurance.

 

1 hour ago, paco5959 said:

It popped into my head, and has taken up space, moved in, and is now a constant in my head. It will go away for a few weeks by ignoring, constant distraction, ERT (just from what I’ve read online although it scares me and don’t want to go too far without a therapist guidance). 

Overcoming OCD wise, I think this is a problem too Paco and why you are still struggling because that approach is not a therapeutic approach it is simply an OCD avoidance, hence why it keeps coming back.

In terms of the thoughts you are having, I imagine that many people even without OCD will go through phases of having thoughts about ex's, even graphic thoughts, but that doesn't mean they have cheated or would cheat. Of course, people without OCD are able to let the thought (even though pleasant) go quickly and so the problem here is not the thought, but your meaning and association with the thought.

So whilst I don't have any advice to help you right now, I hope pointing the above out is still positive if you're able to recognise what you (and most of us) have done wrong to bring you to this point.  Ashley

[PolarBear]

I'll almost guarantee,Pack, that your core problem is that youre trying to figure out if you were unfaithful or not. In essence, that's what you've been doing for months and months. Yes you've been ruminating like crazy, but it's ruminating with a goal in mind. That is to figure it all out, come up with a conclusion, answer the big question. Welcome to the OCD trap. Because no matter how hard you ruminate, you'll never reach the end. OCD won't allow it. 

The past year is evidence of what I'm saying. Think of how many countless hours you've spent trying to figure things out. Are you any closer today to doing so? Of course not. And you won't be any closer if you choose to ruminate for another year.

So what do you do? Stop trying to figure things out. Give yourself permission to not know everything and turn your focus to today, not living in an indefinable past.

You have to learn to quell your ruminating. It's really hard but it can be done. Refuse to get into mind debates over the issue of unfaithfulness. Stop the confessing. It will do no good but can damage your relationship.

[paco5959]

9 hours ago, PolarBear said:

I'll almost guarantee,Pack, that your core problem is that youre trying to figure out if you were unfaithful or not. .  

PolarBear, so it is my OCD that makes me fixate on the unfaithful part that makes me want to confess “I’m having trouble figuring out if I cheated or not?” When I read this?. Even typing that makes me feel completely panic and sick. That’s the OCD too? I feel like even if I think or say that then it is true! I have been working relentlessly so hard to stop this and it has worked but I’m cycling again. 

Edited October 30, 2017 by paco5959

[PolarBear]

Of course it's OCD.