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I thought I was better than this.


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Ok, so to set the scene.

I’m 29, with a wonderful girlfriend who I live with and love very much.

I have also struggled all of my life with guilt, especially ROCD and relationship guilt and confessing.

On Friday night I was out with friends and I bumped into someone who I used to work with and who I got on well with. There was never ever remotely a hint of anything remotely flirtatious there (although I did find her pretty). She wasn’t someone I would say I was ‘friends’ with, but in a work environment she was really cool and we had a close knit team. I hadn’t seen her for a long time, so we hugged (something I used to struggle with guilt wise, so I always make a point of doing it now). It was just a standard polite thing to do, but half way through hugging her, I realised it was really good to see her (hadn’t see her in a year or so) and so I hugged harder. It wasn't inaaprioate, just a friendly hug. Nothing seedy - just genuine happiness to see her.

At the moment of getting the ‘feeling’ to hug her harder (by harder I should I just clarify that it was just like a hug for a friend, rather than just a formal hug), I had such a pang of guilt and that has continued ever since.

I haven’t confessed, but I really want to.

My brain is just spiralling - why did I hug harder? Why was it nice to see her? I find her pretty. Is that is? What was that ‘feeling’? 

I can’t explain or understand it.

I feel so guilty, that I have done something wrong and that I have to get to the bottom of why I did it.

I always get this like around Christmas, because I want everything to be perfect.

This is very, very hard at the moment and I could really do with some support.

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An incredibly minor thing that should be forgotten about forthwith. Stop trying to figure out why you hugged harder. Don't go there. That right there is what is going to get you in trouble.

Refuse to get into mind debates over this. Brush it off and get on with your day.

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