Is this really OCD..cannot stop thinking POCD

[Jayne S]

Hi, I’ve just had what I call another ‘episode’ where I have jotted down how I felt at the time as I know it takes time to see somone and I wanted them to know exactly how this affects me in case I can’t explain it to them verbally. I know it may not make any sense but I’m figuring that if it is OCD that I have then you guys will understand the madness I have written?. I’m just going to bite the bullet and type everything I jotted down.So here goes..Disabling, Body feels heavy, tension in my calves,need to wee/poo. Terror.Panic.Cold feeling all over. Knot in stomach. Instant apitite loss.Nervousness. Mind racing. Fear I’ll loose control and kill myself,throw something,shout or scream out loud,can’t get words out, confusion, can’t express myself,scared to talk,don’t trust what anyone says at the time, question every thought and feeling,analyse every thought and feeling, even when people say they feel the same I don’t believe them even if their symptoms match mine and they have said theirs first, I feel that what I’m feeling is worse than what their feeling and that my symptoms are worse and nobody could ever feel or think the way I do, even though I know I have every symptom of OCD I still question it, it’s evil, thoughts make me believe I’m a P, search for experiences where I have been exposed to children and they then confirm my fears, search for memories I can’t remember to see if there is anything I forgot that can confirm that I am a P.  it’s the worst thing to think of yourself, what would people think of me if they knew, I’m a fraud, I’m living a lie, people don’t know the real me, I only pretend to be nice, I’m a bad person, I try to do good things every day to protect myself from doing anything that could trigger me and become my new guilt obsession or ‘topic’, tremendous guilt urge to confess, constantly seeking reassurance, saying the same thing over and over again thinking people just don’t understand, wishing you could hold it in my hand and show people,feel I have no right to judge anyone as I’m so bad, forgive people easily as I feel I have no right being angry because I’m a bad person myself, all logic and education I’ve learnt in sessions or by reading goes out the window can’t talk myself round atall,I don’t know myself,aware of every thought and feeling,people say just stop thinking about it but you can’t unthinking a thought can you?, my thoughts will cause something to happen,desperation exhaustion,not living in the moment, thinking 10 things at once,same thoughts over and over again,envy people that can live in the moment with a clear head. There is probably so much more that pops into my head when I don’t have my note pad to jot it down the main incident I’ve latched on to i

I was baby sitting and I saw the little girls private parts and I looked, never touched but keep thinking did I enjoy that why did I look and that at that age I should know better, than to look, disgust, it’s the worst thing to think of yourself, what would people think of me if they knew, I’m a fraud, I’m living a lie, people don’t know the real me, I only pretend to be nice, I’m a bad person, I try to do good things every day to protect myself from doing anything that could trigger me and become my new guilt obsession or ‘topic’, tremendous guilt urge to confess, constantly seeking reassurance, saying the same thing over and over again thinking people just don’t understand, wishing i could hold it in my hand and show people,feel I have no right to judge anyone as I’m so bad, forgive people easily as I feel I have no right being angry because I’m a bad person myself, all logic and education I’ve learnt in sessions or by reading goes out the window can’t talk myself round atall,I don’t know myself,aware of every thought and feeling,people say just stop thinking about it but you can’t unthink a thought can you?, my thoughts will cause something to happen,desperation exhaustion,not living in the moment, thinking 10 things at once,same thoughts over and over again,envy people that can live in the moment with a clear head. There is probably so much more that pops into my head when I don’t have my note pad to jot it down. I’ve had different topics in the past, as far back as I can remember HIV, 13, Dying,ex partners. I’m even scared of having Female grandchildren in case I do something or feel this way and have to live this torture every day and not be able to enjoy them. I need to add I don’t find kids sexuallly attractive atall it’s,just an awful fear that this is what I am. I know they say you should allow your thoughts to flow and accept them but I find the thought of accepting that that’s what I may be just to minimise the impact of the thought too much to bear. I can’t read magazines watch the news or sometimes go shopping as I don’t want to see kids or hear or read stories of abuse, it’s taken over my life. I feel I don’t deserve anything good or nice in life.

 

[jlmdfem]

Hi

First of all I want to say how brave you are. You are so strong and brave in that you are able to say exactly what you're feeling. I also want to say is that i feel exactly the same as you!!! I've dealt with this type of OCD for almost 4 years now, I'm a 21 year old girl and it is so debilitating and horrible so i completely 100% know how you are feeling! I know that's not exactly advice but i always take comfort in knowing someone else gets it. What i can say is that once you learn to accept the thoughts - i know this is hard - and stop ruminating every tiny detail, it gets better! I know that sounds like the biggest challenge in the world right now, but you can do it. You will have times where it goes well but then you'll have a rough few days, i'm in my rough days at the moment but i know if i keep practising what I know, it'll get better. You are not a bad person and you are not what you fear. Give yourself a break, read back what you've written, it's horrible that you have to deal with that so often, awful in fact and no-one deserves to go through that so you shouldn't put yourself down for, it's not your fault! You've done nothing wrong. I had a similar situation to you where i was at a family party and accidentally saw a little girl's underwear as she was sat across from me and i looked away straight away but then looked back for a split second - i didn't think anything of it at the time but now i've had a bit of an OCD flare up I have overthought it way too much, wondering if i did it because i wanted to, did i feel anything etc etc. But i didn't do it because i wanted to or because i was sexually attracted because i know i'm definitely not, it's like when someone says "don't look over there right now" at something going on in the distance you have an urge to look, not because you want to but just because it's a human thing! . It doesn't make you a bad person! You didn't do anything wrong! I'm not sure if this helps much, but just know, you aren't alone. Take some deep breaths and focus your attention on something else - i find reading a book helps, or exercising, oxygen to the brain is always good!

Good luck, keep working at it, you are NOT a bad person!

J x

[Jayne S]

Thankyou so much for your kind reply, I was so scared to post as I thought I’d get ripped to shreds and it would just tip me over. I have a million and one thoughts that go through my mind and all of them are guilt based on things I’ve done in the past. Everything you say is right and true but I just can’t tell myself that and accept it right now. On good days I can reason with myself but once it’s took hold and that cold fear and terror sets in there’s no stopping the thoughts,self doubt,guilt and panic. It’s awful. I’ve just started back on my Meds’ and I’m just praying they kick in soon. Thanks again for your reply and please feel free to message me anytime if you need xx