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My exposure, terrified to start suicide theme


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Hi everyone,

i have just came from my 2nd therapy session. My cbt therapist is quite good and seems really knowledgable about the beast that is OCD.

my ocd focuses on the theme of suicide, I get images, thoughts and urges that terrify me and make me so anxious and sad. Sometimes it feels so real and I am terrified.

all my compulsions are mental and I spend most of the day ruminating or obsessing.

so my exposure looks like this:

everytime I get a thought or image she wants me to go with it and hold it there, keep thinking/imagining it without doing pushing the thought away or distracting myself.

for example the other night I had an image that I was about to hang myself from my loft and this thought has stuck. So she wants to me keep thinking it and ramping up the anxiety.

i am so scared this is going to make me act or make my obsession worse.

the thing is with this theme it just feels so real sometimes and I don't know if I am putting myself at risk.

has anyone got any advise on how to tackle this theme and also how do I sit with the anxiety when it feels unbearable sometimes.

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There are many ways to 'sit with' anxiety. Moving is very helpful as it will deal with all the stress hormones and adrenaline. Using a loving kindness meditation could also be very helpful. I was taught a simple mantra. You repeat each word twice using deep slow breaths. Each breath should start in your tummy and fully inflate your lungs. You can do it sitting lying down or whilst walking.

patience. Understanding. Forgiveness. Friendship. 

With each word you try to add the feeling of that word as you say it. So you invoke the feeling of patience or understanding etc and direct it towards yourself. If one word sticks out for you then you just repeat that word.

when it comes to tackling the theme and your OCD I have not enough experience to advise. 

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Your therapist is right, that's how I tackled my suicide theme. I also found it useful to track how much the anxiety went up, so that I could see an improvement over time.

As for sitting with the anxiety, you need to try and find a distraction. As Jennie said, exercise is a good one.

Edited by Bodger
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Thank you both for your replies.

bodger, what type of exposures did you do? 

My thoughts are so constant at the minute I feel like I am going to have to constantly be thinking these thoughts. 

I am realy anxious about the whole thing.

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I was taught to sit with the thoughts let them be, not ruminate. I also had a compulsion of looking up suicide methods on the internet, and planning my suicide. I learnt over time to stop doing these.

With practise the thoughts get less intense and less frequent.

You have done the hardest part of telling your therapist, I became obsessed that I would be sectioned if I told my therapist of my suicidal thoughts. If course I was so wrong and he had heard it all before and understood it was OCD and I was unlikely to act on the thoughts.

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Thanks,

I am finding it so hard not to ruminate. Like just then an image of me hangImg cane into my head and I felt like a tightness on my throats so I closed my eyes and just sat with the thought, kept bringing it back up and really thinking it but that was about 30 mins ago and now I feel really sad and anxious like I've done something wrong 

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Cbt for ocd can be very difficult, but very rewarding.

im just about to finish my cbt and I’m finally getting used to going with my thoughts and accepting that I’m not a bad or evil person.

its not easy but you can do it. ????

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Thank you everyone for your replies.

tonight I have had a night out drinking with the girls. I was dreading it so much and really did not want to go but I made a pact to force myself no matter how anxious I was feeling.

so anyway I have had afew drinks and all night the intrusive thoughts/ images have been constant but I have actually been laughing at them!

the song 'staying alive' by the bee gees(I think) came on and I found it really funny. I have laughed at every(almost) thought that came into my head. I am hoping even with tomorrow's hangover I can continue in this vein! 

I was really reluctant to drink tonight as I know this can make ocd worse the next day but my therapist said that if I was deciding not to drink as a compulsion then I should maybe take the risk as avoidance should be avoided ?

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So now that the hangover has kicked in I'm not feeling so confident.

i am worried that something has changed my brain and is going to make me suicidal because I have a hangover. I hate this out of control feeling so much. 

The thoughts are constant and I am not finding it too easy to move past them, they are literally every other minute and I am scared I am going to handle them anymore.

i know drinking is not a good thing when in the grips of OCD but I also didnt want to avoid it due to my fears.

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I am doing a little bit better thanks.

i have really resisted my compulsions(internet) but still trying to get on top of my rumination.

kept myself as distracted as possible today but I find I am feeling quite anxious.

i do feel like I am starting to come out the other side of this relapse but I keep thinking of how bad the last few weeks have been and worrying about it happening again. 

 

I have been doing what my therapist said and realy thinking of the thoughts in thoughts in detail without pushing them away and it's realy scary.

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Wow well done - you are doing so well! I've never had your theme and it sounds really hard. So look to your achievements. What you are doing is scaring you, but you are trying your best and resisting your compulsions. Keep going! You can do it! :clap::clapping:

lots of people on the forum say alcohol makes their OCD worse. I don't drink anymore...

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When you do your exposure it's a good idea to start off doing it for say 20 mins without doing any compulsions and deliberately ramping up the anxiety. At the start of the exposure rate your anxiety levels out of 10, then do the same at the end of the exposure. Do it for the same length of time until your anxiety level isn't much higher at the end than it was when you started. Then do the exposures for longer. Over time you should be able to see that your anxiety levels decrease and the time you can do exposures for without getting really anxious should increase. That was how I was told to approach exposures anyway and it was very useful for me.

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Thanks for ur replies and support.

i have been doing quite well the last 2 days, today in particular.

however about an hour ago I was just thinking about my OCD and what it's been about and how much it makes sense because I love my family so much and we are so close it's like an indirect fear of harming them by harming myself. So anyway I was driving past a block of high rose flats and just had the thought of going to the top and jumping off and then I thought oh no I've got the baby in the car then the thought came in oh just jump with him in ur arms.

i tried to go with the thought and feel the anxiety but I am realy struggling.

i am terrified now and feel very depressed. 

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