Jump to content

Am I just doing this to myself now??!


Recommended Posts

Ok the reason I went to therapy in the first place was because I didn't understand the bizarre intrusive thoughts I was having! Now that I have managed to sort them out (e.g. hurting people, sexual orientation changing, jumping off a bridge, etc these don't bother me any more) I now can't stop obsessing about the past mistakes and how I could have avoided them.

I have not had the best past. Partly because I believe made decisions when I had been suffering from ocd and anxiety since them and I didn't know what it was.

It seems to have latched on to my boyfriend and our relationship now. We were both very young when we met and have had an on off relationship for about 3 years until we moved in together in the last 2 years where I'd say that is when it became a proper relationship.

Now that we are actually headed somewhere.. we know all about each others past but we don't care. We have shrugged it off to be able to move forward...

Now I am constantly worried if I have told him everything.. if it is even real or not.. if it was when we were together or not.. if I am going to say something in conversation.. if i am going to go mad with guilt.. if there is anything to even feel guilty about.. my mind is playing ultimate tricks on me!! And now I feel like an awful person. I don't know what's going on.

I am literally so depressed. I was doing so well but I am never going to get a break from this thing.. it starts the second I wake up until i go to sleep. Even seeing my boyfriend now spikes anxiety. All he wants is a future with me and it's not fair on him. How do I move on from this without feeling like a bad person?!  Every time I don't ruminate I feel like I'm a liar and an awful person!

I was put back on waiting list for CBT and got rung up for an appointment but nobody at work would cover my shift. Now I am back on the waiting list but the only support i have with this is you guys. Everyone else just sees me as a drama queen who can't let things go. I haven't got the strength to fight this thing any more!! It is killing me.

Edited by Lish
Link to comment

Hi Lish, Now that the thoughts from your main OCD are improving your OCD will try and catch onto anything it can, in this case your past.

Try and deal with these the same way as all other OCD thoughts. The past is the past, you can't change it so try not to analyse it and ruminate over it. Try and focus on the future.

That's a shame about CBT, hopefully a new appointment you can make will come soon.

Link to comment

thank you @Bodger yes I've definitely realized that. Before I knew the thoughts weren't real so now that it's latching on to real life memories I do find it a lot more difficult and debilitating. I can go back years and years ago and feel guilt over the smallest things. It really is truly horrible. It's even more frustrating because I was almost headed towards recovery:(

It makes me feel that if I don't feel guilty/confess (even though I don't believe there is anything to confess) then guilt is going to keep plaguing me. I just want a quiet life and to move on towards the future.

Link to comment

I have found OCD always seems to one up itself if that makes sense. So It may feel disappointing that this has happened, but it's normal. I have had so many themes, and they steadily worsened in topic over time, culminating in the horrible fear that my husband was sexually abusing my kids. I have dealt with this theme, I still have OCD though. 

Its going to take strength and determination but you can do it and it is worth it. You are still headed towards recovery. This is what recovery looks like, two steps forward, one back. You come across as a wise and strong lady. Believe!

Link to comment
16 hours ago, JennieWren said:

Its going to take strength and determination but you can do it and it is worth it. You are still headed towards recovery. This is what recovery looks like, two steps forward, one back. You come across as a wise and strong lady. Believe!

Thank you @JennieWren for saying that. I know it's trying to be extra nasty now and hanging on for dear life. It's wanting me to confess things I already have done to ruin my relationship and go in to detail else in a 'horrible person.

Today I refused to ruminate and come on here until a certain time. I've started saying to myself yeah maybe I am a horrible person and maybe my relationship will end who knows.. then getting on with my day. Do you think this is the best method?

Link to comment

Thanks @JennieWren I have noticed my anxiety seems to go down when I do this. It's so annoying when your ocd changes theme all the time, especially when it's now latched on to real life events.

Edited by Lish
Link to comment

At points I've convinced myself that I'm 'cured' and don't need therapy etc. But it always comes back. And its so annoying and upsetting. 

I think you are definitely heading towards recovery. You've identified it as OCD for a start. And you've managed to try out a tactic for overcoming it. All sounds positive. It doesn't stop it being hard though.

i don't know about you but I have a tendency towards self sabotage. To think I don't deserve good things. This is a core belief that I am working to change. I think my OCD combines with this to try and ruin my happiness.

Link to comment

Thank you @JennieWren I do believe I am a lot better than I used to be! I do think I'm almost there at recovery.

I am in the exact same boat as you!!! Every time I think I have conquered it I think because of my past mistakes and the hurt I caused people I therefore don't deserve to be happy. Even though I should be turning that reaction in to a learning experience to be a better person now. I would love to hear how you get on with conquering with this belief. This is where I am at now. Dealing with the complete root of the problem but I do think we are too hard on ourselves.

Link to comment

Well I am at the beginning of an 18  month course of psychotherapy. So obviously I'm not doing that well at it! I feel like I'm changing myself from the skin down. In my heart at the moment I'm a 'nothing person'. I am nothing. i have no worth. But on my skin I feel I do have worth. So I'm trying to burrow down through those layers and maybe one day I will reach my heart. I don't know if that makes any sense. I just can't seem to get to that core belief. It's impervious. I feel proud of my commitment to myself to try though.

interesting this idea we have of being 'deserving'. I would really look at what that word means to you, and where the black and white thinking is. Society/family upbringing trains us to think in these terms. We are taught that it's right to punish bad behaviour and reward the 'deserving'. What nonsense really. So what is the antidote to this way of thinking? how can you flip this into something more REAL? i would be interested to hear what you think the remedy is.

when I was really low and very ill, I took to holding my own hand. So I wasn't alone! And it was a eureka moment for me. That I have myself. I am my own best friend in this life. I can look after and nuture MYSELF. Obviously I need and love others - but it's giving myself that love and forgiveness that is the most important thing in my life. I think that is the meaning of my life. i think that's what healing comes from. The more I genuinely love myself the better I am at loving others. The more I connect with myself the more authentically I connect with others.

Edited by snowbear
removed swearing
Link to comment

Hi Lish, it's old Mike again.

The way I see it, you are just having a blip. It is nothing new, you have had the same or similar issue/issues in August. My reply will be more or less the same as the one I gave you then and there. 

 

Don't be disappointed, pick yourself up and carry on. I am not sure whether you have re-read the earlier posts, if you did, you would realise that guilt, self-loathing, the urge to confess have all returned. All the advice provided in that August post, I believe, will again be of use to you to help you get through the blip you are going through now.

I quote you as per 22 August 2017 "I know deep down what I need to do and that is to live in the now and put all the past to bed." This is the rational voice, your rational voice you should listen to, not the one proffered by your OCD which is totally irrational and baseless.

Do take care and always remember you deserve love, compassion, happiness as much as anyone else. 

With Metta,

Mike

 

 

Edited by St Mike
Link to comment

Thank you @St Mike yes I do agree it was a blip. I am feeling much better over these few days and have not felt the need to do any compulsions so this obsessions has settled down quite a bit. Thank you for your advice. I think I'm on the road to recovery so when these blips return i tend to panic. Thank you and I hope you're doing well.

Link to comment

Hi Lish,I am glad you are feeling better. I too have had a massive  blip recently after feeling that I was well on the road to recovery. In fact my ‘blip’ and the associated disturbing throughts have hit me so badly I had to get an emergency appointment and was prescribed diazepam. It is soul-destroying when you have been trying for so long and for so hard to conquer it. But OCD really does seem to get extra nasty and up the ante whenever you think you’re moving forward. I wish you all the best in your continuing recovery. Stay strong! 

Link to comment

@Oceanblue bless you! Yes I think as soon as you tell your ocd that you don't need it any more and you see through it's lies it comes back with full force to attack what's going to scare you! I hope you're feeling better. I'm on no medication what so ever so just had to wait for it to pass :( I'm sure we will be ok though. Recovery wasn't going to be easy. Keep fighting x

Link to comment

Thank you Lish. I’m in pieces at the minute as I just got a phone call this morning from the hospital after having a crisis apootontment with them last night were they told me they would get me seen by a psychiatrist today that that’s actually not going to happen now so it’s back to the drawing board and my fear thoughts are so horrific and vile I’m terrified to repeat them to anyone else. 

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...