Help..

[fightoffyourdemons]

Hi all.

I realise this is almost certainly a reassurance post, but the Christmas period is such an emotionally draining, scary time for me, that I feel so beaten down. I just haven’t the energy to try and process this or not, so I’m reaching out for some help.

I have always struggled with guilt and ROCD with my OCD/BPD, and questioning normal human reactions.

I am currently staying at a house with my girlfriend and her family. Her brother and his girlfriend are also staying here as well.

Last night as I was walking to bed and passing her brother’s bedroom, I heard some movement in there (I know it was his girlfriend pottering around).

I am not attracted to her in the slightest and have never had any sort of worries in that way.

However, in this moment I suddenly thought “oh I wonder if she is getting changed” and even though the door was closed, I for some reason instinctively moved my head as if to look.

Now I can’t tell why I moved my head and I can’t imagine what would have happened if I had seen something. I have NO interest in this women at all, in any way sexually. I can’t stress that enough. 

The door was fully closed and there was no way I could have seen anything anyway, but it’s the fact I thought it and my head then moved as if to look - I can’t understand it.

Simple human nature which I messed up on? Something more sinister? Normal human curiosity and innate reaction?

I feel like a pervert and that I’ve devalued my relationship with my girlfriend and have to tell her.

Usually I would be stronger and battle this, but I feel so broken down that I don’t know where to turn.

Thank you.

[Hal]

4 hours ago, fightoffyourdemons said:

Simple human nature which I messed up on? Something more sinister? Normal human curiosity and innate reaction?

OR.....you experienced a simple unwanted intrusive thought?

The disorder's flagging the thought up as something terribly important fightoff, it might feel like it is, but it really isn't. Our brains are capable of coming up with all manner of things, but not everything we think is automatically meaningful and worth any of our attention. Nothing's changed between now and when you had the thought, your relationship's the same.......try not to get hoodwinked by the disorder and let this go, I can almost guarantee if you don't 'feed' this by giving it more attention, within day or so you'll see this for it is - OCD at work. 

[fightoffyourdemons]

Thank you. That is usually the case, so hopefully that will happen now - appreciate the time you’ve taken to reply, especially during this busy period.

It’s the head movement which is bothering me the most, rather than the thought itself.

[fightoffyourdemons]

Which I’m aware sounded like more reassurance requesting..