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Hi everyone, I'm sorry I've been inactive on the forum recently. I've never been overly confident at responding to others because I fear saying the wrong thing but recently my OCD has been bad and I haven't had any confidence to respond so for that I'm sorry. 

My OCD has been really bad recently, triggered by so much and so many fears everyday. It's affecting all parts of my life with multiple themes. 

My main compulsion is going straight to my husband to seek reassurances and this in itself involves a lot of repeating and checking behaviours with what I said to him etc. It also opens up new fears the same as ruminating does. I sort one fear with his help, that fear goes with the relief you feel when you seek reassurance and then the next new fear is just round the corner. It's like a conveyor belt. Sometimes I go back to old fears with new information to tell my husband and sometimes they are new fears that go permanently after seeking reassurance. 

It's painful for me but much more importantly it's painful for him and it's seriously affecting his wellbeing. It's such selfish behaviour on my part. 

I need to stop this compulsion but I'm using my husband as my rational brain so how do I stop it? I'm not in CBT yet as still waiting and I'm sure this compulsion would be high on an hierarchy. 

Thank you for any help you can give me. I hope you're all ok. X

Edited by Emsie
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Could you ask him not to give you reassurance next time? I guess it depends on the dynamics of your relationship and if he understands the cognative side of ocd and why it is so important to resist the desire to 'help' you. It would be really hard for both of you but sometimes you've got to be 'cruel to be kind'.

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I hope you realize that getting all that reassurance is NOT working.

Compulsions don't work. They do not improve your overall situation. In fact, they make things worse. Constant compulsions teach your brain that the intrusive thoughts were important and that causes your brain to generate more intrusive thoughts, which you will respond to by doing more compulsions and round and round you go.

You stop by stopping. Explain what i wrote above to your husband and agree together that the reassurance must stop. Now you can slow it down or go cold turkey but it must stop.

You will feel uncomfortable. That's to be expected and it's okay. It will take time but you will begin to be okay without getting reassurance.

Edited by PolarBear
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Hi Emsie,

Sorry to hear your struggling, I do sympathise as I have done this with my wife a lot over the years, in the early years of my OCD I confessed / sought reassurance almost all day everyday, to a point it did effect things. This was pre marriage and she did hear a lot of stuff she would rather not have. She was frustrated with me as I think initially she thought I was being weak and to be honest so did I. 

It can put strain on your partner, I know it did with my wife. What helped massively was learning that I had OCD. It explained to her and me why I was seemingly wrapped up in quite random but upsetting topics. My wife knows a lot about the disorder now, while I am not saying this makes it plain sailing it helped a lot for her to understand. 

Why not get your husband to read the info on the charities website? it may help him understand why you are seeking re-assurance so much at the moment? 

Finally as polar bear says, you need to stop the confessing / re-assurance seeking. It is a slippery (almost vertical) slope it makes you want to do it more and more. You get the relief for a short time and OCD will move onto another worry, or maybe the same topic from a slightly different angle .In the past I have confessed to her about topics that I know I have been over with her numerous times over the years.  

Its very difficult, but can be done and  it is the only way out. it can be very unpleasant as you want that relief and the almost high that can come with it, however if you sit with the anxiety it does eventually subside on its own. 

It can be done, it's not easy but you can get there.

Edited by Avo
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Emsie, here's my proverbial two pence - first, it's a given that reassurance is never good, and is at best a momentary relief - entrenching OCD all the more. But what about this?  As a path toward no reassurance why not (at least) postpone? Example, you want reassurance re 'whatever' - your husband agrees to give you the reassurance - but not for an hour, two hours, the next day, the day after tomorrow etc. You might find that on occasion, when the appointed time rolls around, you won't even want the reassurance - it'll be moot. It's a way of allowing you 'insurance' but giving you, and your poor beleaguered husband control over the disorder, rather than jumping to its bark. The ultimate aim, of course, is no reassurance at all. 

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Hey em, so sorry you have been struggling with this. I can't really add anymore to the fab advice others have given you...apart from saying keep strong my friend, you can get through this. Therapy should be there for you soon too so keep reminding yourself of that.

Just take each day at a time. With each feeling that you need reassurance for, try and hold out for 5 mins before seeking it. This may give you valid time to refrain from asking. As Paradoxer explains perfectly, you may feel the need for this reassurance depletes over that time. However if it doesn't and you still need to ask, that is fine. Do not be hard on yourself. Just try again the next time the urge comes and then keep trying until you beat it...you can do this em :thumbup:

Sending you loads of positiveness Lisa xx

 

 

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Hi Battlethrough, Tanana, PolarBear, Avo, Paradoxer and Lisa,

Sorry for the delay in replying. I cannot thank you enough for all of your advice, help and support. It's exactly what I needed and a huge thank you for taking the time to reply and help me, it means so much and it is so appreciated. People on this forum are so kind and lovely. X

On 29 December 2017 at 22:39, battlethrough said:

I also do this, i have drained my partner who is happy go lucky,i have resisted reassurance and confession from her over the last month, its so tough but it is a way to recovery x

Thank you so much Battlethrough, you're so right of course, it is a way to recovery and a huge well done for resisting this compulsion over the last month, that's brilliant. I hope you're doing well. 

On 29 December 2017 at 22:46, Tanana said:

Could you ask him not to give you reassurance next time? I guess it depends on the dynamics of your relationship and if he understands the cognative side of ocd and why it is so important to resist the desire to 'help' you. It would be really hard for both of you but sometimes you've got to be 'cruel to be kind'.

Thank you so much Tanana, this is great advice and I completely agree with the cruel to be kind aspect. I hope you're doing well. 

19 hours ago, PolarBear said:

I hope you realize that getting all that reassurance is NOT working.

Compulsions don't work. They do not improve your overall situation. In fact, they make things worse. Constant compulsions teach your brain that the intrusive thoughts were important and that causes your brain to generate more intrusive thoughts, which you will respond to by doing more compulsions and round and round you go.

You stop by stopping. Explain what i wrote above to your husband and agree together that the reassurance must stop. Now you can slow it down or go cold turkey but it must stop.

You will feel uncomfortable. That's to be expected and it's okay. It will take time but you will begin to be okay without getting reassurance.

Thank you so much PolarBear. Yes, thankfully I do realise that all that reassurance is not working and that compulsions make things worse. That said, it clearly wasn't in the forefront and I really appreciate you explaining this to me as I really needed to hear it. Your advice here is perfect and I'll give my husband a break from all things OCD and then in a few days I will explain to him what you said and make that agreement together. Right now my plan is to go cold turkey. Thank you so much for helping me and I hope you're good.

14 hours ago, Avo said:

Hi Emsie,

Sorry to hear your struggling, I do sympathise as I have done this with my wife a lot over the years, in the early years of my OCD I confessed / sought reassurance almost all day everyday, to a point it did effect things. This was pre marriage and she did hear a lot of stuff she would rather not have. She was frustrated with me as I think initially she thought I was being weak and to be honest so did I. 

It can put strain on your partner, I know it did with my wife. What helped massively was learning that I had OCD. It explained to her and me why I was seemingly wrapped up in quite random but upsetting topics. My wife knows a lot about the disorder now, while I am not saying this makes it plain sailing it helped a lot for her to understand. 

Why not get your husband to read the info on the charities website? it may help him understand why you are seeking re-assurance so much at the moment? 

Finally as polar bear says, you need to stop the confessing / re-assurance seeking. It is a slippery (almost vertical) slope it makes you want to do it more and more. You get the relief for a short time and OCD will move onto another worry, or maybe the same topic from a slightly different angle .In the past I have confessed to her about topics that I know I have been over with her numerous times over the years.  

Its very difficult, but can be done and  it is the only way out. it can be very unpleasant as you want that relief and the almost high that can come with it, however if you sit with the anxiety it does eventually subside on its own. 

It can be done, it's not easy but you can get there.

Thank you so much Avo. Thank you so much for your understanding and sharing your own experiences. That's great advice to get my husband to know more about OCD and why I'm doing this. He needs to understand this as I know I have drained him. You are so right, I have to stop the reassurance seeking. I've got to put my trust back in myself too and not go running to my husband. I agree it's a slippery and almost vertical slope, making me want more and more reassurance. I know it's going to be hard but thank you for saying it can be done, I do believe that. I hope you're doing well and thank you again.

14 hours ago, paradoxer said:

Emsie, here's my proverbial two pence - first, it's a given that reassurance is never good, and is at best a momentary relief - entrenching OCD all the more. But what about this?  As a path toward no reassurance why not (at least) postpone? Example, you want reassurance re 'whatever' - your husband agrees to give you the reassurance - but not for an hour, two hours, the next day, the day after tomorrow etc. You might find that on occasion, when the appointed time rolls around, you won't even want the reassurance - it'll be moot. It's a way of allowing you 'insurance' but giving you, and your poor beleaguered husband control over the disorder, rather than jumping to its bark. The ultimate aim, of course, is no reassurance at all. 

Thank you so much Paradoxer, this is great advice. I am going to try cold turkey first but if that doesn't work this will be my plan B and it's so good to have one so a huge thank you. I was jumping to its bark, so I really appreciate this. I hope you're doing well. 

9 hours ago, Lisa davis said:

Hey em, so sorry you have been struggling with this. I can't really add anymore to the fab advice others have given you...apart from saying keep strong my friend, you can get through this. Therapy should be there for you soon too so keep reminding yourself of that.

Just take each day at a time. With each feeling that you need reassurance for, try and hold out for 5 mins before seeking it. This may give you valid time to refrain from asking. As Paradoxer explains perfectly, you may feel the need for this reassurance depletes over that time. However if it doesn't and you still need to ask, that is fine. Do not be hard on yourself. Just try again the next time the urge comes and then keep trying until you beat it...you can do this em :thumbup:

Sending you loads of positiveness Lisa xx

 

 

Thank you so much Lisa, I really appreciate all of your advice and all that you said and for cheering me on. You are such a great friend to me and your kindness means so much, thank you lovely lady. I will stay strong and look forward to that sense of achievement when I don't run for reassurance and instead resit it. Thank you for what you said about my therapy should be there for me soon, I think I'll ring them soon for an update. I will hold out and try my hardest to refrain from asking for reassurance, it's the only way. I'll try not be hard on myself, thank you. Thank you so much for your friendship and I hope you're doing well in your fight. Thank you, sending you loads of positiveness back :yes: Xxx

 

:thankyousign: everyone X

Edited by Emsie
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Thank you so much Lisa. My OCD is still pretty bad but I have gone cold turkey and stopped asking my husband for reassurance, so far it's gone well and I've resisted. So that's a big positive. Got to keep going now as its early days. Plus work on my other compulsions. 

I hope you're doing ok and keep strong too lovely lady. X

Edited by Emsie
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Thank you so much for everyone's help with this. So far I've completely stopped asking my husband for reassurance. It's not been easy but it is getting easier. Got to keep going now of course. I couldn't have done it without your support so a huge thank you. X

Edited by Emsie
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8 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

Good for you. Now fill the time you would gave soent reassurance seeking with things that are useful, relaxing or fun.

Bless you PolarBear, thank you so much. Yes, I will do, that's great advice to fill the time I would have spent reassurance seeking with all of those things, and it was a lot of time. Thank you so much for everything, your support and advice means so much. 

Edited by Emsie
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Hi Emsie,

That's great you are resisting your compulsions to reassurance seek!

I used to do this also with my husband. When I started fighting my OCD, we decided that while I was riding out the anxiety and not carrying out compulsions, if it ever got really bad, I would just ask for a hug.

Just a hug to feel that he was there and I wasnt fighting it all on my own. I found that hugely helpful in the 1st few weeks. He said after my recovery that it helped him too. He didn't feel so powerless against it all.

You're probably thinking..eerrrm cheers love what a random bit of 'advice' ? But I remember how hard it was going cold turkey when your partner is actually a huge role in your compulsions.

X

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On 3 January 2018 at 00:12, Tanana said:

That's great to hear Emsie. Good luck and hang in there. It's hard work but it'll be worth it in the end.

Thank you so much Tanana. Yes it's so hard right now but as you say it will be worth it. X

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On 3 January 2018 at 00:59, Em24 said:

Hi Emsie,

That's great you are resisting your compulsions to reassurance seek!

I used to do this also with my husband. When I started fighting my OCD, we decided that while I was riding out the anxiety and not carrying out compulsions, if it ever got really bad, I would just ask for a hug.

Just a hug to feel that he was there and I wasnt fighting it all on my own. I found that hugely helpful in the 1st few weeks. He said after my recovery that it helped him too. He didn't feel so powerless against it all.

You're probably thinking..eerrrm cheers love what a random bit of 'advice' ? But I remember how hard it was going cold turkey when your partner is actually a huge role in your compulsions.

X

Hi Em, 

Thank you so much for your encouragement and great advice. I didn't think that at all bless you. I think it's lovely advice and thank you so much for sharing what helped you. X

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