(Un)Reasonable?

[OceanDweller]

Hello Gang

I was asked earlier by a friend if I would lend her my laptop.

Albeit reluctantly (I do not dig others touching my belongings!) I agreed, on the proviso that my friend kept the environment in which it is to be used clean, and would wash her hands between handling food and touching the keyboard. This request has created something of an atmosphere.

I appreciate my need for cleaniliness is driven by OCD, but surely there’s a case for just ensuring that our stuff remains in as tiptop condition as possible. I really take care of my belongings, and would be horrified were it to be returned in a less than pristine condition.

Am I out of order?

[Binxy]

Maybe it's just that you were so specific (because of your OCD)? I don't have OCD cleanliness issues (usually) so maybe I'm not qualified to comment.  I would have probably said something like "Make sure you look after it" or something... that's because a laptop is expensive. I think it's a bit of an over reaction to create an atmosphere though.

[PolarBear]

If you're doing this is involving your friend in doing a compulsion then it's not a good idea. 

[OceanDweller]

4 minutes ago, Binxy said:

I would have probably said something like "Make sure you look after it" or something...

Thanks for your reply Binxy. I guess I was so specific because ‘looking after’ an item is so open to interpretation. I know folk who deem not hurling their belongings down a well to be looking after them! I do take your point and suspect that it was the prescriptive nature of my request that irritated.

[OceanDweller]

7 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

If you're doing this is involving your friend in doing a compulsion then it's not a good idea. 

Thank you for replying Polar Bear. So if I am not comfortable with lending out my belongings without specific conditions, should I just politely refuse?

[Franklin12]

I think it’s not so much ‘out of order’ - after all it’s your laptop and you have every right to lay down any rules involved in borrowing it. However, by saying those things out loud implies that you think that the friend is not going to respect your laptop as a matter of course. I would find this a bit insulting. I think if I was worried about how someone would treat my laptop I wouldn’t lend it to them, and would find an excuse to say no. I have a friend who likes all his books to be kept pristine. He famously won’t lend them to anyone, and makes it clear why. However it’s all done with good humour - so we do rib him a bit about it but we never ask! I don’t think you have to lend someone your laptop if you don’t want to just as some kind of challenge to your OCD. 

[PolarBear]

Gee this is a toughie. It really is. Your concern is cleanliness, which i consider the risk of to be very minor. My concern would be over data loss or something physical happening to the laptop.

Your concern over cleanliness is overblown as far as i can see. 

[OceanDweller]

2 minutes ago, Franklin12 said:

I think it’s not so much ‘out of order’ - after all it’s your laptop and you have every right to lay down any rules involved in borrowing it. However, by saying those things out loud implies that you think that the friend is not going to respect your laptop as a matter of course. I would find this a bit insulting. I think if I was worried about how someone would treat my laptop I wouldn’t lend it to them, and would find an excuse to say no. I have a friend who likes all his books to be kept pristine. He famously won’t lend them to anyone, and makes it clear why. However it’s all done with good humour - so we do rib him a bit about it but we never ask! I don’t think you have to lend someone your laptop if you don’t want to just as some kind of challenge to your OCD. 

Thank you for your reply Franklin. I’m probably better just to decline such requests in the future. I don’t wish to insult anyone, and the stress not making clear my expectations would cause me far outweighs any happiness I might generate by doing a favour.

[Franklin12]

I don’t think it’s that big of a deal to say no. There’s all sorts of excuses you could use. Work/data protection etc. 

[OceanDweller]

5 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

Gee this is a toughie. It really is. Your concern is cleanliness, which i consider the risk of to be very minor. My concern would be over data loss or something physical happening to the laptop.

Your concern over cleanliness is overblown as far as i can see. 

Fair point PolarBear. I guess my primary concern would be taking back receipt of it with toast crumbs or the like hopelessly lodged between the keys. My friend would be highly affronted by my saying this, but such an occurrence is not beyond the realms of possibility! It’s in brand new condition (I’ve managed to preserve it as such for two years) and I’ll very much like it to remain that way.

[OceanDweller]

1 minute ago, Franklin12 said:

I don’t think it’s that big of a deal to say no. There’s all sorts of excuses you could use. Work/data protection etc. 

Very true. I just hate having to lie, especially about OCD. I’ve always been completely upfront about my themes and would hope any friend would graciously accept my true reasons for refusing.

[OceanDweller]

Thanks for your kind input one and all. I’ve apologised to said friend for applying potentially insulting conditions to the lend. I also extended an invitation for her to continue using the laptop but in my home so that I’m a little more at ease. Consequently l now appear obsessive AND creepy!

[BelAnna]

Hi Ocean,

My brother has similar self-imposed rules about how he will use his laptop (he wouldn't let me borrow it!). He does not have OCD but has to wash his hands before using it, use it on a clean flat surface and he doesn't drink whilst using it. We both got the same model of laptop last year and mine is starting to show signs of damage (I have accidentally dropped it, spilt tea on it and generally not been very careful with it) so I don't think that you were being unreasonable!!

Oh and as you know I have contamination OCD but just about specific things!

Edited January 18, 2018 by BelAnna

[OceanDweller]

4 minutes ago, BelAnna said:

Hi Ocean,

My brother has similar self-imposed rules about how he will use his laptop (he wouldn't let me borrow it!). He does not have OCD but has to wash his hands before using it, use it on a clean flat surface and he doesn't drink whilst using it. We both got the same model of laptop last year and mine is starting to show signs of damage (I have accidentally dropped it, spilt tea on it and generally not been very careful with it) so I don't think that you were being unreasonable!!

Oh and as you know I have contamination OCD but just about specific things!

Hi BelAnna. Thank you very much for your response. Your brother sounds very similar to me in his approach to his possessions. I guess because it’s not a huge effort for me to upkeep my gear as I do, it’s become second nature. Entrusting my belongings to anyone else is unfamiliar and anxiety-inducing. Interestingly (or otherwise!) I’m not only this stringent with my own stuff. I do my level best to apply my exacting standards to anything that I borrow. So at least I’m a considerate oddball!

[St Mike]

Hi OD,

in my opinion, you have the right to tell someone what is expected of them when they procure the use of your laptop. If they don't like the provisions imposed on them when they use it, then they can always borrow someone else's.

I was raised to be prudent with money and make sure my stuff last as long as possible. Though I don't have issues with regards to cleanliness, I don't want gunge to get struck between the keys or coffee to leak into the insides of the laptop because a laptop costs money and will cost money to get repaired if the warranty has expired.

 

 

 

 

[PolarBear]

All well and true but is OD cincerned about peanut butter jamming the keys or some kind of blanket contamination?

[Wonderer]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with asking someone to take care of your belongings, BUT, as your concern seems to be very much OCD fuelled, I think you should possibly have used this situation as an exposure exercise, to politely decline letting someone borrow something in the future because of your OCD is avoidance. It’s most likely that when someone borrows something expensive like a laptop they’re going to take good care of it. After all, who wants to be responsible for replacing such an expensive item! Toast crumbs...they can be cleaned off and offer no harmful consequences so what if u get a few crumbs there? Nothing to fear! 

[OceanDweller]

1 minute ago, St Mike said:

I was raised to be prudent with money and make sure my stuff last as long as possible. Though I don't have issues with regards to cleanliness, I don't want gunge to get struck between the keys or coffee to leak into the insides of the laptop because a laptop costs money and will cost money to get repaired if the warranty has expired.

Hi St Mike. Thanks very much for responding. This is very much my line of thinking (and how I was also raised). I fear, however, that I might be guilty of going to extremes. If the laptop wasn’t broken but was somehow ‘gunged up’ by someone else, I’d become resentful, as I would feel that it was no longer adequate. And as I wouldn’t be able to afford to replace it, I’d be lumbered with a device I didn’t enjoy using. Does this make me sound like a madman?!

[PolarBear]

Makes you sound like someone with OCD. A bit of a tone of perfectionism in there.

[OceanDweller]

1 minute ago, Wonderer said:

There is absolutely nothing wrong with asking someone to take care of your belongings, BUT, as your concern seems to be very much OCD fuelled, I think you should possibly have used this situation as an exposure exercise, to politely decline letting someone borrow something in the future because of your OCD is avoidance. It’s most likely that when someone borrows something expensive like a laptop they’re going to take good care of it. After all, who wants to be responsible for replacing such an expensive item! Toast crumbs...they can be cleaned off and offer no harmful consequences so what if u get a few crumbs there? Nothing to fear! 

Hi Wonderer. Thank you very much for responding. If lending items to others causes me such anxiety, what would be lost by politely declining in future? Not having my stuff borrowed isn’t a hardship, and I won’t be troubled if folk stop asking!

[OceanDweller]

1 minute ago, PolarBear said:

Makes you sound like someone with OCD. A bit of a tone of perfectionism in there.

You’re quite right PolarBear. I do have rather pronounced perfectionist traits.

[OceanDweller]

3 minutes ago, OceanDweller said:

Hi Wonderer. Thank you very much for responding. If lending items to others causes me such anxiety, what would be lost by politely declining in future? Not having my stuff borrowed isn’t a hardship, and I won’t be troubled if folk stop asking!

Sorry Wonderer. Thinking on, I know the answer to this. I appreciate I shouldn’t practise avoidance. However is there an argument to suggest that if such avoidance isn’t negatively impacting upon one’s life, it’s relatively harmless?

I had my first session in a fresh course of CBT yesterday and my head has begun to leak obsessions!

[PolarBear]

I've seen it before with sufferers, especially concerning electronic equipment. Video games, computers, cellphones. One little scratch and the item is contaminated with wear and needs to be replaced.

[OceanDweller]

Just now, PolarBear said:

I've seen it before with sufferers, especially concerning electronic equipment. Video games, computers, cellphones. One little scratch and the item is contaminated with wear and needs to be replaced.

It’s odd. If I were to damage my laptop, I’d be irritated but I’d survive. It’s the prospect of someone else’s carelessness wrecking my treasured possessions that maddens me so!

[JennieWren]

My sister is a perfectionist and her requests to look after her stuff in a certain way is on the surface irritating, with its suggestion that i a man lackadaisical about material things. The truth is, I am a bit, which is why it annoys me. 

To be honest all my friends and family have funny quirks. A good friend should not take your quirks too personally and be able to brush it off, especially if they know about your OCD. 

I know what you mean PB about OCD sufferers liking things pristine. I get too much joy from stuff pristine in the box.