Had to tell a lie

[PolarBear]

You didn't answer my question. Should millions of men Google incessantly, reassurance seek and confess?

[battlethrough]

Maby we shouldn't do it atall if we know our partner wouldnt like it

[PolarBear]

You still didn't answer the question. Fantasizing is going to happen. It does happen. So do you think all those men out there should do the same things you've been doing?

[battlethrough]

No, i just find it so hard to stop because i feel so anxious 

[PhilM]

My wife might fantasise about someone and if she disclosed anything to me I don't think I'd be bothered.

I can walk down the street and see a really attractive woman and have thoughts but it has nothing to do with intent. I personally think it's part of human nature.

[battlethrough]

I could deal with thoughts, it that i have purposely created a story with them to make a fantasy, and because some are of people we know it adds a sleazyer element, just so fed up of it, when im ok it seems not that big but now destroying

[Binxy]

Stop punishing yourself. Stop googling. Stop confessing. Stop ruminating.  These are the obvious compulsions that we can all see.  Recognise when you are doing them and find something else to do. You can come back from this. I did

[battlethrough]

I can try to not do most but ruminating is impossible, the demons swarm in the second i wake up

[PolarBear]

1 hour ago, battlethrough said:

No, i just find it so hard to stop because i feel so anxious 

People fantasize. Men and women. Happens all the time. Most people who do lead fairly normal, happy lives. You don't because of OCD. Try to understand... there is no problem with fantasizing. It's just that you have this ine little part of your brain telling you it's a big problem. It's lying. You don't have to buy into what its saying. You can choose to ignore it. And you can choose to stop feeding it by way of compulsions.

The reason this upsets you so is because you keep listening to that part of the brain and you keep doing compulsions.

You believe what your brain is telling you. In response you think you should be punished. Even though you admit everyone else out there who fantasizes shouldn't go through what you are. Why hold yourself up to a higher standard?

[snowbear]

3 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Even though you admit everyone else out there who fantasizes shouldn't go through what you are. Why hold yourself up to a higher standard?

Part of the problem is the belief that 'not to fantasize' IS a higher standard than someone who fantasizes.

Overcoming the OCD fear isn't just about accepting that fantasizing is entirely normal and commonplace, but the need to accept fantasizing isn't a lower standard of behaviour than someone who avoids such mental entertainment. It's the belief there is something inherently bad about it that fuels the OCD drive to avoid/confess. 

Learn to shrug it off as unimportant and not a reflection of your character or moral values. 

 

[PolarBear]

Very good point.

[battlethrough]

Thanks for both your wise advice, i think the biggest problem is the content, when our relationship has had dull parts whoever popped in my head i might have fantasized, her cousen, her friend, i know that sounds so wrog but they were just chucked away but that adds to the guilt as its not a stranger and i get reminders, i

I truly love my partner but theres no dought the taboo was arouseing. Cant shake of the feeling of decietfullness

[OceanDweller]

9 minutes ago, battlethrough said:

theres no dought the taboo was arouseing

Taboos will always represent a unique temptation. I’ll wager the majority of folk have fantasised about their brother/sister in law. It’s because it’s ‘wrong’ that it’s alluring. But (as always) it’s our actions, not our thoughts, that define us. And it’s this fact alone that you need to accept.

[battlethrough]

I wish i could see it as nothing like before, just feel ive lived a lie

[Binxy]

That's because you are still going over it in your mind- as long as you keep this up you will remain stuck.  You need to be very strict with yourself.  You have OCD, and in particular a manifestation where you feel guilty about your "sexual" thoughts and feel they have a great impact on your relationship. This is a false belief.  Treat it like OCD. No rumination, no confessions- you must be strict.  I know it's hard.  You will feel like you are ignoring something terrible and this will make you anxious and want to do your compulsions.  Be strict. This will pass if you treat it like the OCD beast it is.

[battlethrough]

I can try to not confess or google but changeing my beleaf that its bad will be hard, its taken over so strong. 

When an image pops up of a fantasy i created i try to let it be but it punches me with guilt, its so hard to see it as ok, i want to be honest but of course my partner would hurt as she told me i was cruel when i told her previous ones but at the same time i think she deserves to know

[Binxy]

6 minutes ago, battlethrough said:

but changeing my beleaf that its bad will be hard,

This belief is false.  It's been distorted by OCD. Trust that it's OCD.  It won't go away immediately beucase this is "trained/learned" response to the stimuli.  You may have to fake ti 'til you make it.  You're still analysing- this has to stop

[Avo]

I struggle with this as well, being blunt these fantasies can lead to masturbation. I would guess a lot of peoples fantasies do as well. Its just people without OCD won't give them a second thought. When we have OCD we latch onto them and beat ourselves up. I am pretty sure my wife will have fantasies about other people. I don't want to hear them though, she can keep them to herself. 

The only cruel thing was confessing to her, she does not need to know and you have no obligation to tell her. You are creating a problem that is not there. We are allowed private thoughts, we are not obligated to tell anyone. 

[battlethrough]

Because it seems so solid it is like cheating though

[battlethrough]

Thanks avo and binx, it wasnt a problem before, because its people close, i get reminded if i see them when before i didnt

[battlethrough]

I think because its people close to her that it seems to close to home, but ironicly i fancy her more than anyone, i dont like her friends or family members so wtf would i go there in my head, a stranger maby but that doesnt seem normal to me atall

[Binxy]

Hi,

You're ruminating again.  You don't need to have this argument with yourself or justify anything.  Recognise your compulsions and catch yourself when you realise that you are doing them. There is a way back- but the first steps have to come from you.

Binx

[battlethrough]

I know binx and confession doesnt work, i confessed to a fantasy and said it was once before, it was more than once so i was  ruminating over that dishonesty, it just goes on changes then on then change

[Binxy]

Yup, and I can pretty much guarantee that you will "get over" this one and the OCD will come back with something else.  You need to be on guard for this and make sure that you don't ruminate/confess etc.. As soon as you start, it's got you and you get dragged deeper and deeper.  Read the advice above- especially the post from Snowbear. You can do this.

[battlethrough]

Cant help but think if i handnt fantasized in the first place, i wouldnt be going through this