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My partner asked me if id fantasized about other women again as it would break her heart, i said no but nearly said yes. 

I feel caught in a hard place, i want to tell her that fantasies mean nothing and i love her, i wish after 12 years i hadnt fantasized about anyone 

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Hi battlethrough. That’s what’s known as a (heavily!) loaded question. Some truths are best left unexposed. If your partner fears the truth, she shouldn’t ask scary questions.

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I feel for you because honestly I think your partner is being a little unreasonable.  It's your actions that count, in my opinion.  Your partner can't and shouldn't be able to police your thoughts as long as you're not doing anything to act on them.  You love your partner clearly and that's what counts here. Other people don't stop existing just because you've committed to another person. I totally accept my partner is only human and will sometimes think or fantasise about other people - it doesn't matter to me because we have trust. That said I could probably do without knowing the details.

I don't know what to advise because this subject clearly feeds your OCD, and you've been put in a position where you have to either be brutally honest or lie, which is difficult.  I would maybe say something like "it depends on how you define fantasise.  I only want to be with you and never want to be with anyone else, but I can't help the fact that sometimes my thoughts my go somewhere I'd never want to go in real life."

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Thanks both, its so my own fault, i confessed 2 years ago i had thought about her sister in a fantasy, i dont like her even, i ended up in hospital and my partner was hurt and i understand. 

Thing is when weve had periods of no passion my mind has wonderd, could be a girl on the bus or a freind of hers, whoever pops up, i dont want the reality but the taboo is arousing, so as its people i know i feel i should be punished 

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Just now, battlethrough said:

So as its not celebs but real people, doesn't that make it worse

IMO it's no different.  Your actions are what count.

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Hi Battlethrough,

 Be kind to yourself. I agree with everything GBG said. Take care. 

Edited by Emsie
Removed what could be considered reassurance

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Really tough day, like a zombie at work, im dragging my family down, feel like im living a lie and cheated iin sex fantasies, no point confessing as something else will pop up, just finding life so hard

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Do you believe that our thoughts are automatic? I do. Involuntary. Often unwanted. Devoid of intent or blame. And so entirely unreflective of our true selves.

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Thoughts but fantasies are stories we make in our head for arousal even if we dont want them for real therefore i feel ive cheated mentally 

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I am in a very loving and healthy relationship and have no intention of cheating on my wife but I'm not going to deny that if I find a woman attractive I might have thoughts or brief fantasies. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. I feel like you're being very hard on yourself when you say "I feel I've cheated mentally".

Edited by PhilM

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I have had detailed story fantasies though, like i said it could be a friend of hers, someone on a bus, ill get the thought then turn it into fantasies, graphic,before ocd latched on i just discarded it as it no way reflected what i want in reality but its all gone twisted

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My head feels its going to burst with guilt, why did i fantasize about other people Remided by seeing people i mean, feel m in rock and hardplace, want to confess but will hurt her but dont want to lie, feel so ill

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This is awful, every fantasy ive had ever keeps popping up, i look at my love and feel so much guilt 

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Battlethrough I really think you and your wife need to start seeing this as a manifestation of OCD. It's not helpful for her to be so upset about whether you fantasised or not and she needs to understand that some of your fantasisies were involuntary. Likewise you are running a mile with this and you need to start at least delaying your ruminating. 

If after you've stopped obsessing about this you want to change your behaviour, fine. But thinking about it now is not a good idea as because of your OCD.

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Battlethrough... I used to confess everything to by other half... Everything... Then I realised that is was another manifestation of my OCD.  I treated it like OCD.... and it went away.

The advice above is all good.  You need to start treating this like OCD... and then be ready for it to morph into something else.  This is the pattern you've had recently and highlights to me why this is obviously OCD.

Hang in there dude.

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I wasnt brought up religious but after 12 years and haveing private fantasies of women, even her frinds or cousen is deceitful, although they were never anything id want in reality, its so confusing, i feel she should know or im a fraud to her

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The reason you feel bad about this is because you constantly go over it in your mind. It's a compulsion. It's keeping you trapped.

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Is it genuinely wrong when millions of other men do it? Should they too Google incessantly, seek reassurance and confess?

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I know other men do it but my partners my best friend, just feels ive let her down to who she beleaves i am

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