Acceptance

[Headwreck]

I would just like to ask something. 

I've decided to believe the thoughts as true just to see what happens. I feel calm, no longer carrying a burden, like I don't need to think about it anymore. 

So I'm guessing, is this because the thing I feared is true? Has anyone tried this before? 

[Headwreck]

Anybody? Is this a way of dealing with this? And is anyone else familiar with the feeling? I'm going to ask my therapist tonight but I'm worried that I stay in this mindset that I'm doing harm? 

[PolarBear]

No, it doesn't mean it's true. You're getting that by analyzing your thoughts, a compulsion.

Many people agree with their thoughts. It's half of what it takes to shut the thoughts down. Yup, i guess I'm a pedophile... the other half is not doing compulsions.

You can do it too. Say, I guess i cheated on my partner. Oh well.

But you've got to stay away from analyzing and ruminating. Get on with your day. Leave it alone.

[JennieWren]

The reason you feel calm is because saying those words worked! I did the same with my sexual abuse worries. I agreed with them and like magic the worry went away. It didn't mean I had actually done the harm I worried about. This is OCD we are talking about.

[Headwreck]

I'm sick of it. I felt really calm and as though I was at peace for about an hour and then my partner started saying I was just kidding myself, being selfish by hurting him etc. so now I'm questioning again and I don't know if it's because of what he said that I'm doubting it or just because I'm doubting it naturally. I'm concerned that I'm refusing to believe I have done it because of selfish reasons. I feel as though I've always known due to thoughts I've remembered but when this started I didn't have any recollection. 

What won't let me out of this is the memory of some thoughts I had a few months ago. I won't go into what they were specifically but basically allude to me cheating. Why would I think these thoughts if it wasn't true? I can't shake this no matter what I try. It seems pretty logical to question that. 

Edited January 30, 2018 by Headwreck

[Headwreck]

11 minutes ago, JennieWren said:

The reason you feel calm is because saying those words worked! I did the same with my sexual abuse worries. I agreed with them and like magic the worry went away. It didn't mean I had actually done the harm I worried about. This is OCD we are talking about.

Did you have to do this for long? I found that when I did it, it was like it wasn't a big deal anymore, I was saying it to myself so felt like I was saying I'd done it, going 'oh well you did it" but wasn't taking it seriously/kind of knew I hadn't?

[JennieWren]

No I didn't have to do it over and over. Just every time an intrusive worry came up. I just agreed with it. It hasn't cured my OCD but has made me more stable.

[PolarBear]

5 hours ago, Headwreck said:

I'm sick of it. I felt really calm and as though I was at peace for about an hour and then my partner started saying I was just kidding myself, being selfish by hurting him etc. so now I'm questioning again and I don't know if it's because of what he said that I'm doubting it or just because I'm doubting it naturally. I'm concerned that I'm refusing to believe I have done it because of selfish reasons. I feel as though I've always known due to thoughts I've remembered but when this started I didn't have any recollection. 

What won't let me out of this is the memory of some thoughts I had a few months ago. I won't go into what they were specifically but basically allude to me cheating. Why would I think these thoughts if it wasn't true? I can't shake this no matter what I try. It seems pretty logical to question that. 

Questioning it is a compulsion and is keeping you stuck. 

[Headwreck]

I've just been to see a new therapist who is clued up about ocd, ERP and CBT. No reassurance whatsoever from him, just spoke purely about how to solve. Am going to stick with him going forward. But I feel like a fraud being there especially today, the other day I was feeling a bit better, today I'm almost convinced I'm a cheat. Nothing makes sense to me.

[JennieWren]

45 minutes ago, Headwreck said:

Nothing makes sense to me.

It doesn't need to. Just sit with the confusion. Because it's by doing the therapy that things are going to get clearer. Until that happens of course you are going to have ups and downs.

[Headwreck]

I hope you're right Jennie. At the moment I just feel like a liar. Like really badly, like I'm trying to make everyone think I've got this problem, or my real doubt is being misconstrued. My problem is 'prove you haven't' but all I'm getting is things that say I have.

My new therapist mentioned a medication which is meant to be good for OCD which is one of the few I've never tried - Clomipramine. Does anyone have any experience of this? 

[Chels]

Hi headwreck sorry to hear your going through a bit of a bad patch at the moment. I too have had these cheating thoughts and it's so awful. I did everything to find out if I did or not and every time you think of it you add a new part to the thought and it get bigger and bigger. It's awful and I really feel for you  but you have to stop going round trying and eliminate the thought by not paying it attention 

[Dragonfly]

Hi headwreck, sorry to hear how you’re feeling. I’ve had cheating worries in the past too, and I too found it so hard to move on from them. I know it’s not for everyone but I really do find the OCD mediation’s really helped that I just found by google. I do a couple of the 10 mins one a day. They didn’t cure the way I was feeling, but they certainly gave me periods of calm, where I could think a bit more logically. The other thing that helps me is being busy, whether that be getting out walking, seeing friends or shopping for something in particular like someone’s birthday present that’s coming up. My therapist also said to try acknowledging OCD thoughts, with possibly ‘ah interesting’ then refocusing, whether that be doing one of the above, or recognising things in the room, smells you can smell, noises you can hear etc, then moving on. This I use sometimes too. Hope you feel better soon 

[Headwreck]

18 hours ago, Chels said:

Hi headwreck sorry to hear your going through a bit of a bad patch at the moment. I too have had these cheating thoughts and it's so awful. I did everything to find out if I did or not and every time you think of it you add a new part to the thought and it get bigger and bigger. It's awful and I really feel for you  but you have to stop going round trying and eliminate the thought by not paying it attention 

Thanks Chels. I'm trying but it feels bigger than me and so real at the moment. Have you ever felt so convinced that it's not ocd? That's what I feel like, I'm asking myself why I'm posting here. 

[Headwreck]

7 hours ago, Dragonfly said:

Hi headwreck, sorry to hear how you’re feeling. I’ve had cheating worries in the past too, and I too found it so hard to move on from them. I know it’s not for everyone but I really do find the OCD mediation’s really helped that I just found by google. I do a couple of the 10 mins one a day. They didn’t cure the way I was feeling, but they certainly gave me periods of calm, where I could think a bit more logically. The other thing that helps me is being busy, whether that be getting out walking, seeing friends or shopping for something in particular like someone’s birthday present that’s coming up. My therapist also said to try acknowledging OCD thoughts, with possibly ‘ah interesting’ then refocusing, whether that be doing one of the above, or recognising things in the room, smells you can smell, noises you can hear etc, then moving on. This I use sometimes too. Hope you feel better soon 

Thanks for the reply. I just can't seem to move away from it because it all feels too real, I am convinced I've done something now but I don't know what. It's unbearable. 

I had a really brief moment of euphoria a few weeks ago whereby I was like "this whole thing is so stupid" and I remembered the feeling I had being a feeling I used to have. I don't know if that means that this is all false or what but I think my brain just had enough that day. I also find it switches between this worry and something else which dwarfs this worry when it happens. If it was real then surely it couldn't be dwarfed? I don't know. 

[PolarBear]

Wondering if it could be dwarfed if it was real... see that right there is you trying to figure it out, trying to figure out if its true or not. That's a compulsion and it's keeping you stuck. You need to learn to stop looking for the answers. That's the way forward.

[Headwreck]

4 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

Wondering if it could be dwarfed if it was real... see that right there is you trying to figure it out, trying to figure out if its true or not. That's a compulsion and it's keeping you stuck. You need to learn to stop looking for the answers. That's the way forward.

I know. But I'm terrified that it's not OCD because it feels so real. I can't take this. 

[PolarBear]

Of course it feels real. The thoughts are coming from your mind, where all other thoughts come from. If they didn't feel real you'd easily dismiss them and wouldn't have a disorder.

[JennieWren]

I agree with PB. It's totally common for people with OCD to think it's not OCD - and that maybe you really did something.

normal.

[Headwreck]

It's just that the more I think, the more I find that is proving my worry is true and very little says the opposite. I'm sick to the stomach at the thought that I'm never going to know for sure. I'm equally sickened at the idea of letting this go in case I've done it. I keep telling my partner I have but I don't know what I've done. I'm trying to tell the truth. He says I'd know. I beg to differ. 

Edited January 31, 2018 by Headwreck

[PolarBear]

You're not going to 'know' from ruminating more.

And besides, how much are you going to punish yourself mentally even if you did cheat? A lufeyime? Because by my reckoning this has gone on for about four or five years now. Isn't that enough?

How much mental anguish would you expect your best friend to go through if she cheated?

[Headwreck]

4 hours ago, PolarBear said:

You're not going to 'know' from ruminating more.

And besides, how much are you going to punish yourself mentally even if you did cheat? A lufeyime? Because by my reckoning this has gone on for about four or five years now. Isn't that enough?

How much mental anguish would you expect your best friend to go through if she cheated?

Well that's the thing. I don't know how much anguish someone of normal thought would have if they had done it. Equally I don't know how much someone would pursue the 'truth'. I accused my partner of cheating for four years with flickers of twisting onto me a couple of times for a day or two. This new thing with me started around three and a half to four months ago I think and has been constant. I do think I have OCD due to how the guilt will move intermittently from one thing to something else of the same theme. But I think I'm in denial about certain things. 

I keep getting memories from the night which I don't recall having before but they don't match with what I have told people previously about a text message received the next day from him going on about wanting to kiss me. I worry that I'm saying these memories are false when they might be real. 

Edited February 1, 2018 by Headwreck