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Ryukil

Therapist made recording for me about how my intrusive thoughts are true

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My psychiatrist, after i spilled the beans about what was going on in my mind, said, "You've suffered enough. It's all OCD." 

Man, i said those two sentences five hundred times to myself. It was a form of self reassurance but it was infinitely better than ruminating over the thoughts. And it was infinitely better than saying those two sentences when i challenged my mind by emphatically stating that i was what i feared.

Get it?

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Yup. So right now I am kind of doing my exposures (which would be to continue to read a page in a book, for example, without rereading a sentence after I got a bad thought while reading that sentence) without necessarily saying I AM DEFINITELY TURNED ON BY THE THOUGHTS. However, I'm not saying that I'm NOT TURNED ON BY THEM. I'm leaving it ambiguous and just pushing on with reading, writing, or whatever it is that I worry could become "contaminated" by my thoughts. Surely this is acceptable for the time being? I don't know if I would be able to outright say, "YES, I AM TURNED ON BY THEM" and continue reading....that might be too much anxiety.

 

I'm going from a place where I was not reading at all, or writing at all, so I guess if you look at it that way you could say I'm making some progress. Never mind, I probably shouldn't ask this here, because you all will tell me that it's not good enough and then I'll just give up. Even though it clearly is something, and it clearly is ignoring my OCD (if my OCD is telling me to reread a sentence and I don't) to some extent. And this is the thing that needs to be targeted, my ability to read, write, do things that I want when I want in spite of what I'm thinking.

 

Ah, screw it, I'm dropping out of therapy. This obsession will go away and morph into something else probably by the summer anyway. I always naturally go through phases. In the meantime, I'll challenge my OCD in the way I described above.

 

You know what, I really shouldn't be posting here anyway. My therapist told me so, and he's right. I'm just so used to seeking reassurance off of the Internet, and trying to work everything out in my head. I suppose that's what happens when you grow up with anxiety problems as well as the Internet always being available.

Edited by Ryukil

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Well, I was just reading, got a thought of sexual assault of a close relative, felt like I was aroused by it, and told myself that I WAS aroused by it. I tried to keep reading, but had to give up. I can't do it. I just can't accept that I am turned on by these thoughts. I should probably just end myself.

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40 minutes ago, Ryukil said:

I'm leaving it ambiguous and just pushing on with reading, writing, or whatever it is that I worry could become "contaminated" by my thoughts. Surely this is acceptable for the time being? I don't know if I would be able to outright say, "YES, I AM TURNED ON BY THEM" and continue reading....that might be too much anxiety.

This is a good start, yes. :yes: As you become more comfortable, routinely and easily just reading on, then you can move up the hierarchy of anxiety and try the 'yes, I'm turned on' exposure.

All people are saying is if you stop at this early stage of just reading on you risk sliding right back to square one and having to start over. That's why people are telling you that you have to agree to the thoughts (because eventually you'll need to do it to be free of your OCD.) But you're right in saying this can be done in steps - it just takes longer to get results is all. Most of us 'oldies' have been round the block of 'back to square one after attempting a short cut to success' :( and have learned the hard way there are no short cuts. We try to pass this information on to those starting therapy, but perhaps it comes across as harsh and uncompromising in telling you to agree with the thoughts outright.  

41 minutes ago, Ryukil said:

Ah, screw it, I'm dropping out of therapy.

I know it's frustrating sometimes when you don't feel you're making enough progress at a fast enough pace, but the important thing is to keep slogging on in spite of the doubts and hurdles. Progress always seems slow and hard won at first and then there comes a point where something clicks and you move forward in bigger leaps. Persevere and you'll reap the rewards. :) 

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Whatever, I guess I'll just stick with it. I feel like I'm actually going to start believing that I'm a rapist / pedophile, but I guess that's the goal. AWESOME. JUST WHAT I ******* NEEDED! **** THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

 

Edited by Ryukil

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You really need to talk to your therapist about this obsession you have about therapy.

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Yeah.

Ashley, could you delete that comment I made about the NHS and UK? I guess I was just trying to argue that he doesn't have to always be right, but that was also not very nice to say. I know if I lived in the UK and saw that comment, I would start obsessing about it, so I don't want a Briton with bad OCD to see that and go through that. Sorry.

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The comment doesn't have to be deleted. People from the UK complain about the NHS regularly. And this forum does not delete posts that might trigger someone. If they did, half the posts would have to be deleted.

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22 hours ago, Ryukil said:

I know if I lived in the UK and saw that comment, I would start obsessing about it, so I don't want a Briton with bad OCD to see that and go through that. Sorry.

Don't worry it's been up a while now so it's ok.  I don't think anyone would obsess over the comment (partly because FP is wrong), but many of us would be more angry.  You see there is this very British thing about our NHS, in that many of us whinge and moan about it, but are also equally defensive about it, which is why many UK elections are focused on the NHS. 

What I do think (slightly off topic) is that I fear many of my country wo/men don't realise how lucky we are to have a NHS, warts and all, that's something I see daily through posts on here and through emails to the charity.  There's no doubt that the NHS is reeling and may be on it's knees, but the old lady is not done yet, and I hope it can get up from the count and back to its feet as the bastion of free healthcare for one and all. 

 

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3 minutes ago, Ashley said:

What I do think (slightly off topic) is that I fear many of my country wo/men don't realise how lucky we are to have a NHS, warts and all, that's something I see daily through posts on here and through emails to the charity.  There's no doubt that the NHS is reeling and may be on it's knees, but the old lady is not done yet, and I hope it can get up from the count and back to its feet as the bastion of free healthcare for one and all. 

Hear hear.

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4 minutes ago, OceanDweller said:

Hear hear.

Ditto

 

2 minutes ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

I love the NHS, warts and all! :) we are insanely lucky to have it.

We so are! :yes:

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Yes, I'm sure you all are very confused when someone from the USA comes on here saying it's going to be difficult for them to afford a specialist. :/

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Not at all confused. Plus, many in the UK pay for private therapy because in some areas the waiting lists are very long for CBT. I paid £110/hour to see a clinical psychologist a few years back and it was difficult to afford it. 

Edited by Emsie

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On 1/31/2018 at 20:31, Ryukil said:

Whatever, I guess I'll just stick with it.

Glad to hear that you seem to want to stick with therapy. The thing with saying things you don't want to say is that going towards the fear seems to be a way to counteract one's fears. OCD and anxiety are very paradoxical in that the more we run from our fear the worse it feels. So in going towards it, even saying something to yourself that sounds ridiculous or offensive, one is counteracting or balancing out the OCD that comes of wanting so badly not to be that way. Sort of like saying 'so what?' to the fear. Even though you and your therapist know that you are not that way, this method is still useful to desensitize yourself.

When I am freaking out about my latest contamination fear I sometimes have to accept it could be true (even though 99% it isn't likely) and it oddly seems to help.

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So, I'm trying to tell myself that I really did enjoy the thoughts. Man, I hope this gets easier, because right now it's a nightmare. My therapist won't even let me say that "maybe" I was turned on by the thoughts...I have to say that I absolutely WAS turned on by the thoughts. What a freaking nightmare. I guess if my anxiety is so high, though, that means it's working.

I somehow worry that saying I did enjoy these thoughts means I'm going to actually act out the things. If I accept I'm a rapist, for example, what if I just lose it?

Edited by Ryukil

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What if? Guess you'll have to live with uncertainty like everyone else on the planet.

Edited by PolarBear

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Well, I guess living with uncertainty would be to tell myself that "maybe I am turned on by the thought, maybe I'm not" instead of "I definitely was turned on by that though!"

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Yes but the latter is challenging your OCD a la ERP. It's critically important when you say the latter to yourself that you refrain from compulsions. Just let the thought sit there.

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