Guilty about compulsions

[jlmdfem]

Hi

I'm a 21 year old girl suffering from POCD and have been since I was 17. I have been a lot better the last few months and began seeing a new counsellor at the beginning of the month, my OCD was very minimal. But after watching a crime tv show on monday where there was a rape scene that took place, my thoughts came flooding back. I felt so so anxious and tried not to entertain the thoughts but it was almost like I couldn't help it. The next day while i was in work it was all i could think about. I know i don't want to act on my thoughts (molesting children) but my compulsions involve checking to see how I react to them by imagining myself or someone else acting on them to prove to myself how horrible it is and how I don't ever want to do it. I HATE thinking about it and feel terrible every time I do but it feels like the only way to prove to myself it's just the OCD. I never ever want to cause harm to anyone let alone a child!! And now i feel like a monster, how could I ever think of things like this and actually imagine it?! I hate myself and I'm so annoyed and frustrated because I was doing so well but now I feel like I'm back to square one all I know is that i don't want to act these thoughts but the guilt for having them in the first place and continuing to test myself with them is consuming me, I feel like a monster for ever having them and thinking of them and I dread to think about what my family and friends would think if they knew what was going on in my head. I will see my counsellor again on monday so can discuss with her but it feels so long away, i was wondering if anyone had any advice on feeling guilty? Should i feel guilty? Am I a monster? I just feel like I don't know anymore and I'm on the brink of breaking down, please any advice/support people have would be greatly appreciated x

Edited February 1, 2018 by Ashley
Removed trigger warnings

[PolarBear]

I won't dirwctly answer your questions at the end of your post. You are reassurance seeking, which is a compulsion. Any relief you feel from answers will be short lived and you'll be back asking for more reassurance.

Testing compulsions are very common. Hopefully you're starting to understand they don't work. You've done them but you aren't convinced you aren't a monster. You won't get a final answer by doing compulsions.

Are you getting CBT?

[Zazoo]

I suffer from the same issue and the same problems with it and while its hard you have to treat compulsions the same way as the thoughts, by ignoring them and letting them pass by.  Remember things will spike it from time to time, there will be days/weeks its hard to ignore, but be happy and proud with the progress you've made so far.  

Also I will state that I don't believe all reassurance is a bad thing, it just depends on what form it takes.  

[jlmdfem]

On 02/02/2018 at 00:09, PolarBear said:

I won't dirwctly answer your questions at the end of your post. You are reassurance seeking, which is a compulsion. Any relief you feel from answers will be short lived and you'll be back asking for more reassurance.

Testing compulsions are very common. Hopefully you're starting to understand they don't work. You've done them but you aren't convinced you aren't a monster. You won't get a final answer by doing compulsions.

Are you getting CBT?

Thanks for your response! I am getting CBT at the moment yes, but as my OCD has not been bothering me as much I haven't spoken about it with my counsellor, it's been to do with other parts of my anxiety. But I am going today and will be sure to discuss last week with her. Thank you!

[jlmdfem]

On 02/02/2018 at 01:43, Zazoo said:

I suffer from the same issue and the same problems with it and while its hard you have to treat compulsions the same way as the thoughts, by ignoring them and letting them pass by.  Remember things will spike it from time to time, there will be days/weeks its hard to ignore, but be happy and proud with the progress you've made so far.  

Also I will state that I don't believe all reassurance is a bad thing, it just depends on what form it takes.  

Thank you so much for your reply, I know reassurance doesn't always help but knowing someone is going/has been going through the same issues as me is comforting and calms me down. Thank you!