Obsessing/blaming myself for a past decision

[Monarch23]

Hi,

Firstly, I’m sorry for the long post. I felt that you need to know all the information to understand my problem.

I’ve had OCD since I was about 10 years old and it worsened significantly when I started university in 2014. By April 2015 it had become very severe (rituals, repeating, having to do everything the same way every day, guilt) and I went to the doctors. I was put on the waiting list for CBT and told that it would be helpful to try Sertraline (Zoloft). I was reluctant to try medication but was desperate at that point, so I did. After starting it, I had awful gastrointestinal side effects and came off them (at the doctor’s recommended pace). The side effects subsided. The CBT was very useful for my OCD.

In Summer 2015, the stomach pain came back, even though I wasn’t on the medication anymore. This got progressively worse until I had to go on an NG feeding tube at the start of 2016. Since then I have not been able to return to university and have very debilitating stomach pain which make me feel extremely unwell, all day every day. I’m currently still looking for a diagnosis, have had countless medical tests which always come back as 'normal' and the whole situation has made me very depressed.

However, I obsess daily about taking the Sertraline and feel incredibly regretful, guilty, self-blaming etc. that I took it (I know this is at least in part aggravated by the OCD because I recognise the ‘OCD’/rumination feeling when I obsess over it and had problems with guilty/self-blame before any of this even happened). This is because I feel it could have caused my long-term problems. Many doctors have reassured me that the Sertraline would not have caused this and I, deep down, know that it probably didn’t, but this niggling doubt at the back of my mind won’t let it go. In my mind, I feel I threw my life away in the blink of an eye and what makes me even more regretful is that the CBT really helped my OCD, whislst the medication had no effect. I regularly think “If I had just waited a few more weeks maybe I could have avoided all this”. I am honestly at the end of my tether now and don’t know how much longer I can go on like this, both physically and mentally. If anyone has any advice from the perspective of the self-blame and obsessive thoughts, that would be so useful.

I know that this is not the usual type of question you get here but I wasn’t sure where else to ask, regarding the OCD and obsessive thoughts part.

Thanks for taking the time to read.

[Ashley]

Hi Monarch, It sure does sound like a difficult situation. Is it possible your physical symptoms are caused by OCD/anxiety? (not that I am suggesting it is, just thinking out loud).

1 hour ago, Monarch23 said:

I obsess daily about taking the Sertraline and feel incredibly regretful, guilty, self-blaming etc

 

But of course as you already mention with this, that the OCD is fuelling this doubt, you already know this but I hope you are able to shake the blame off if nothing else. I don't know if the meds caused your illness or not, like you say probably not. But even if it did, you should not feel guilty at all because you did something, with the doctors advice to try and get better, we all would do the same. Most of the time such actions to get better are fine, but sometimes they cause further issues. 

But whatever the cause, what's important you reinforce is your self-compassion, you have no reason to be blaming yourself or regrets, because you took a step to get better, which was a positive step even if it don't quite work out.

Have you been referred for any more CBT?