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Chels

Feel like I have too much baggage for anyone to ever love me

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I don't actually want a boyfriend at the moment, last thing I'm thinking of but I just can't stop going over everything. I have had STI's when I've been younger (ones that can come back not totally curable forever) I have slept with about 20 males. I have got severe OCD and I just hate myself SO much right now. My mother has died, my family aren't the greatest family - arguements all the time always something going on some have been in and out of jail and honestly i just feel like who's going to love me? Who's going to actually want a future with me with so much going on in my life and so much baggage like past and stuff it just seems every partner iv had has said my past and my OCD is just too much for them to handle. Am I unloveable? Am I just never going to find anyone when the time is right? I'm just so down right now I can't forgive myself for what iv done and been through so how can anyone love me when I don't love myself? I feel so down and depressed I'm waiting for CBT but in this moment in time I'd rather I didn't exist ? 

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I feel exactly the same,I think I'd be better staying single so as not too ruin somebody else's life too ?

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14 minutes ago, Chels said:

Who's going to actually want a future with me with so much going on in my life and so much baggage like past and stuff it just seems every partner iv had has said my past and my OCD is just too much for them to handle.

All the things you've listed here are completely irrelevant to somebody loving you and no barrier to you being loved in the future.

15 minutes ago, Chels said:

I can't forgive myself for what iv done and been through so how can anyone love me when I don't love myself?

However, this is relevant.

Lots of people make the mistake of thinking that not forgiving themselves and not loving themselves won't matter as long as they are able to forgive other people. But what they are really saying is they don't value themselves. And if you devalue yourself then you become worth less in other people's eyes too - they pick up on it and will like/trust you a little less, even if they can't quite put a finger on why. :unsure: 

When someone is able to forgive him/herself - freely, willingly, lovingly - he/she radiates a quality that's hard to define but easy to feel when you're in their company. Forgiving yourself creates a joy within that shines forth like a light and it draws people to you like moths to a flame. :)  Being with such a person is a delight, the joy they feel in living is infectious and everybody who meets them wants some of the 'magic' they can sense in this amazing person. They are easy to love and typically attract the devotion of at least one special person who is similarly full of the joys of life. (They always attract the best of the bunch when it comes to partners!)

People who don't understand forgiveness struggle to put their past mistakes behind them and carry a lot of pointless guilt or shame. :( 

But nothing in life is unforgivable. Nobody and no deed is beyond forgiveness. Because forgiveness isn't about morals or about righting wrongs. Forgiveness isn't even about the person who committed the wrongdoing.

Forgiveness is the person doing the forgiving choosing how they want to feel and then creating that feeling for themselves. It's not dependent on anybody else, or on what act/mistake needs forgiving, or on how terrible the 'crime' was. 

People who understand what forgiveness is really about are able to love themselves in spite of the mistakes they make. 

So if you want to be loved, the answer is simple. Love yourself, learn to forgive yourself with as much willingness as you forgive others, and then get on with your life and expect love find you - because, when you're radiating that joyous light from within,  it will.  :) 

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Guest David green
1 hour ago, bruces said:

I feel exactly the same,I think I'd be better staying single so as not too ruin somebody else's life too ?

Ive felt like that has happened in my relationships the anxiety about going out to a club or pub was just to much to deal with i had to either have a good drink b4 or pop a pill to give me the confidence.But yeah it messed with the relationships i had.

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Guest David green
1 hour ago, snowbear said:

All the things you've listed here are completely irrelevant to somebody loving you and no barrier to you being loved in the future.

However, this is relevant.

Lots of people make the mistake of thinking that not forgiving themselves and not loving themselves won't matter as long as they are able to forgive other people. But what they are really saying is they don't value themselves. And if you devalue yourself then you become worth less in other people's eyes too - they pick up on it and will like/trust you a little less, even if they can't quite put a finger on why. :unsure: 

When someone is able to forgive him/herself - freely, willingly, lovingly - he/she radiates a quality that's hard to define but easy to feel when you're in their company. Forgiving yourself creates a joy within that shines forth like a light and it draws people to you like moths to a flame. :)  Being with such a person is a delight, the joy they feel in living is infectious and everybody who meets them wants some of the 'magic' they can sense in this amazing person. They are easy to love and typically attract the devotion of at least one special person who is similarly full of the joys of life. (They always attract the best of the bunch when it comes to partners!)

People who don't understand forgiveness struggle to put their past mistakes behind them and carry a lot of pointless guilt or shame. :( 

But nothing in life is unforgivable. Nobody and no deed is beyond forgiveness. Because forgiveness isn't about morals or about righting wrongs. Forgiveness isn't even about the person who committed the wrongdoing.

Forgiveness is the person doing the forgiving choosing how they want to feel and then creating that feeling for themselves. It's not dependent on anybody else, or on what act/mistake needs forgiving, or on how terrible the 'crime' was. 

People who understand what forgiveness is really about are able to love themselves in spite of the mistakes they make. 

So if you want to be loved, the answer is simple. Love yourself, learn to forgive yourself with as much willingness as you forgive others, and then get on with your life and expect love find you - because, when you're radiating that joyous light from within,  it will.  :) 

Very well said i must say 

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2 hours ago, Petal said:

How beautiful, you are truly an endearing human being SB x

I agree. Snow bear you should be a writer. If you wrote a self help book on OCD we would all buy it x

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13 hours ago, snowbear said:

they pick up on it and will like/trust you a little less, even if they can't quite put a finger on why. :unsure: 

This is what's happened because my ex new I hadn't forgiven myself he said there was something stopping him from loving/committing to me :( which hurts a lot. I don't know where to start on self forgiveness and how to love myself because I keep going back to my past and thinking if I was to tell someone or someone was to ask and I told the truth that it would spoil things :/ so I'm just not sure how to go about it @snowbear I am going to take on board your advice and TRY and follow this through however it's going to be hard x

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12 hours ago, Chels said:

I keep going back to my past and thinking if I was to tell someone or someone was to ask and I told the truth that it would spoil things

You're looking at the whole issue of self-forgiveness wrong. 

It doesn't matter what you did, it doesn't matter how awful you judge the acts to be.

Forgiveness isn't about the nature of deeds done, it's about choosing your current state of mind. 

Continuing to beat yourself up over the past isn't going to change the past. It isn't going to atone for any wrongdoing (or perceived wrongdoing) and it sure as heck isn't helping you or anybody else live a better life in the here and now.

When you decide that it's ok to let the past go without fixing it, then you'll be free to forgive yourself and start living a better/happier life in the present and future. 

Perhaps you noticed the similarity between forgiving yourself (letting go of the past without fixing it) and stopping ruminating (letting go of a thought or worry without fixing it/without certainty). 

It's not a coincidence. The same flawed thinking that keeps people locked in OCD keeps them locked in a state of self-blame and unwillingness to forgive themselves. 

If you want to fix something, fix the flawed thinking. If you want to atone for the past, live a better future. :) 

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1 hour ago, snowbear said:

If you want to atone for the past, live a better future. :) 

So in my life I have a lot to be grateful for, but there are a lot of actions/ways of thinking, which I repeat which means I can't build the future I want. I can't keep friends, I can't travel abroad, I'm exhausted by social interaction and I've hurt the person I love the most a lot because of my mental health issues. I can forgive myself but what will that change? I'm still me, and I'm having to face the fact that I'm really messed up. Sorry to hijack the thread, but what if the problem is just ME. And however much forgiveness I throw at it, I still have to get up tomorrow and be the same person. 

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33 minutes ago, JennieWren said:

So in my life I have a lot to be grateful for, but there are a lot of actions/ways of thinking, which I repeat which means I can't build the future I want. I can't keep friends, I can't travel abroad, I'm exhausted by social interaction and I've hurt the person I love the most a lot because of my mental health issues. I can forgive myself but what will that change? I'm still me, and I'm having to face the fact that I'm really messed up. Sorry to hijack the thread, but what if the problem is just ME. And however much forgiveness I throw at it, I still have to get up tomorrow and be the same person. 

Substitute 'don't yet know how to' for can't. :) 

You're not messed up; you're on a life long journey of self discovery.

This particular point on the map ('me' in the present moment)  ins't one you'll return to once you've learned how to make better choices and direct yourself where you want to go.

No matter how dark the moment, the future is always bright. :) 

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Guest David green

snowbear needs a medal or something because you talk sense and i like reading what you say.

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