Would be truly grateful for a little support and advice at moment please

[lostinme]

I’ve had an absolutely awful day, very anxious and caught myself doing some compulsions I had already overcome 

Im looking for you to be truthful, I don’t want any sugar coated words, just blunt honest answers or even tough love  what ever you believe the answer is? 

(I will try to explain the best I can) I’ve been doing cbt now for two years and overcome each compulsion one at a time until it no longer caused me any distress and then moved onto the next one and so forth. There are far to many to mention but I’ve done extremely well working through my heirachy from the least anxiety provoking ones through to the highest and I was so proud of what I had achieved so far. This is where it becomes complicated? Over the last six months or more I have been working slowly on my last 3 main hurdles altogether, at first it was comfortable working through each  little step at a time and I could cope with the anxiety caused by them, even though it never subsided the same as the others. Not going into every detail , but every few week or so we would increase the amount of times I had to do these things and I was hoping the more I did it the easier it would become. Any way fast forwarding to now my therapist would like me to do, all afternoon to bed filling my own kettle and drinking them, 3 full days of kettle and drinking them, taking the dog out at least 3 times and going out alone doing exposure work 3 times and then either cook or make food for us to eat at least 3 times. He would like to see me do a minimum of all these things at least 3 times each. 

So over the last couple of week, I’ve been trying really really hard to do all of these things even though I have felt that it was making me feel worse, but I tried to dismiss it and carry on regardless hoping that these feelings would subside, I was hoping by doing them more I would begin to feel better and not worse, today sadly I think it finally got the better of me. 

Im not sure, it’s just a thought, but could it be that I’m working on the 3 most hardest obsessions all at once, instead of working totally on one first until it no longer bothers me, like at the beginning? 

Im not really sure but I think what could be causing my problem at the mo, is I’m anxious all day, from making drinks, cooking and eating and going out, so I havnt had a break from the anxiety for two week? 

Sorry to have to ask but any help and advice would be truly appreciated, I’m feeling pretty stuck right now and not sure what to do next? 

Many thanks, lost 

 

[snowbear]

Hey there, Lostie. Bad days happen. Let it go and don't beat yourself up over it. Tomorrow is another day and knowing you I'm certain you'll be back on track in no time.  

I honestly don't think it matters whether you tackle several things at once or work through them in sequence. It's personal choice and whatever the individual feels up to doing.

But I'm wondering where the cognitive side is in this hierarchy of yours. You're increasing your exposure/ behavioural exercises, but are you tackling your beliefs around the danger and making headway with understanding and then genuinely feeling there's nothing to fear? If you aren't looking at the way your interpret your thoughts/fears/feelings then nothing fundamental is going to change and no matter how many times you do exposure exercises the anxiety will remain. 

Have you filled in an OCD road maps with your therapist, like the ones in the last Compulsive Reading magazine? As an OCD-UK member you'll have a copy of the mag. I know Ashley was going to make some blank road maps available and I'd paste one here only I don't seem to have a blank copy on my computer. But you could have a look at the examples in the magazine and draw up your own meaning boxes and arrows. Might give you some insight as to where you need to change your thinking/the meaning you give to filling kettles.  

[taurean]

I think snowbear has called it right. Unless you are working in exposure towards challenging the validity of the intrusions, then they will remain and the exposure work simply becomes non-avoidance and nothing more. 

Swamping you with exposure isn't the answer - and it wasn't for me ; I refused to do it when my first therapist suggested this approach ( which is known as flooding). He insisted, I refused so I terminated the therapy. 

It smacks to me of his last throw of the dice. 

I think the work needs to lie at the stage of being in the place to prepare the drinks, feeling the intrusions come calling, but believing it's just habitual (many years I believe)  to experience them, they are the results of OCD and your core belief underpinning them (I suspect it is, like mine, fear of losing control)  is just the OCD at work. 

I believe we can only disarm these horrible core beliefs and intrusions in this cognitive way before then carrying out a structured time limited set of exposures - not for me the flooding approach. We need to go into exposure feeling comfortable, and come out of it then relax. 

I don't see anything wrong with working in a structured way on the three things in this cognitive approach. 

[taurean]

Here is a group hug

And some flowers lost

I think because the triggers have been around for many years, they are entrenched and you expect to find them, in fact maybe go looking for them. I have experienced that. 

I found it's only when we stop looking for them, and let them shrink into the background, that we start taking the emotional effect out of them - and when they lose that emotional power, they lose strength and appear less frequently and we find we can gently ease them away. 

I know this works from personal experience. 

[Sophie89]

2 minutes ago, taurean said:

Here is a group hug

And some flowers lost

I think because the triggers have been around for many years, they are entrenched and you expect to find them, in fact maybe go looking for them. I have experienced that. 

I found it's only when we stop looking for them, and let them shrink into the background, that we start taking the emotional effect out of them - and when they lose that emotional power, they lose strength and appear less frequently and we find we can gently ease them away. 

I know this works from personal experience. 

I agree. I can't say I have ever been truly free from OCD but I remember by therapist once said to only do my rumination an hour a day and I really tried and in the end most of the things I was anxious about I no longer needed to ruminate. However I got into a compulsion of writing in my notes the thoughts that triggered me and would end up with pages full and feel overwhelmed and unable to sleep and if around my partner he would find it weird I kept going into my notes to jot things down. X

[Headwreck]

I've only recently started therapy so don't really feel experienced enough to offer any suggestions but I know you will pull through this and everyone here is with you to offer both support and friendship

[Gemma7]

Sorry to hear you're struggling lost, hugs from me  

I agree there is a lack of cognition in what you are doing. What are you learning from doing these exposures? Also, are you just getting through these exposures until you can go back to avoidance when they're over? I say this because that's what I do sometimes. I just get through it, but I don't learn and then put into practice what I've learnt. It's possible your anxiety remains because you're just getting by and not really learning that all your compulsions are unnecessary and that nothing bad is going to happen if you give them all up. 

[PolarBear]

Each of us has a limit to how much anxiety we can handle. Your therapist's job is to push you out of your comfort zone but it is possible you've been pushed too far.

I echo snowy's concern that you are exposing yourself without working on changing your thinking about your fears.

[Skullpops]

Hi Lost, 

So sorry to read that yesterday was so tough. I hope today is a better day for you. Sending lots of love and positive vibes your way ❤️

[taurean]

There is an aspect to what we do as sufferers which psychologists call "scanning for the thing you fear". It's like we have an antenna on our head, and - like radar - it's constantly on alert looking for trouble - in our case triggers. 

One element of CBT is to "swith off the scanner"  so that we accept triggers are around us, but we no longer home in on them. 

E.g. I have had difficulties with the "scanner" homing in on billboards and posters advertising films and TV programmes, deemable as of a violent nature . 

But I have been doing a lot of travel recently and those type of things have not been registering - using cognitive understanding and understanding my behavioural response I have turned off the scanner - all those things are still there, but I am not focusing in on them, as the OCD wanted me to.

I think this is the aspect of Cognitive knowledge you and the therapist need to work on lost. 

[Avo]

Hi Lost,

I think some valid points have been made around the cognitive aspect here, it needs that understanding alongside ERP to be effective, which I know you understand but it can be difficult to see the wood for the trees when your in a state of anxiety. I know cos I do it a lot myself. 

It may be also due to the fact your at the high end of your hierarchy, I still struggle with mine a month or so after finishing my CBT. I have one thing I am tackling but you have 3. I do wonder if possibly it is a case of trying to tackle too many at once? I say that obviously without knowing you as well as your therapist or having their knowledge of OCD. 

Is it worth either contacting your therapist to discuss this? or waiting until your next therapy session, not sure how often they are? I do wonder if a bit of 'flooding' may be going on which doesn't work for everyone.

I wish you the best and hope your feeling maybe a tad better today? also try not to beat yourself up over this. You have made massive progress over the years and treat this as a glitch

[lostinme]

Hi my forum friends,

Thankyou so much for your thoughtful advice, I’m so sorry, it seems very rude of me not to get back to you all sooner, but to be honest I went into a little anxious, panic mode and went to bed ?. It’s been a difficult day for me and I’ve avoided doing anything. But eventually I got myself sorted and went out with my daughter and her boyfriend and my partner tonight and faced upto the fact it’s just a setback and I can get back on track again, so I’m going to let it go and see it as just that and nothing more. Tomorrow is another day  

lost x 

[lostinme]

On 21/02/2018 at 21:59, snowbear said:

Hey there, Lostie. Bad days happen. Let it go and don't beat yourself up over it. Tomorrow is another day and knowing you I'm certain you'll be back on track in no time.  

I honestly don't think it matters whether you tackle several things at once or work through them in sequence. It's personal choice and whatever the individual feels up to doing.

But I'm wondering where the cognitive side is in this hierarchy of yours. You're increasing your exposure/ behavioural exercises, but are you tackling your beliefs around the danger and making headway with understanding and then genuinely feeling there's nothing to fear? If you aren't looking at the way your interpret your thoughts/fears/feelings then nothing fundamental is going to change and no matter how many times you do exposure exercises the anxiety will remain. 

Have you filled in an OCD road maps with your therapist, like the ones in the last Compulsive Reading magazine? As an OCD-UK member you'll have a copy of the mag. I know Ashley was going to make some blank road maps available and I'd paste one here only I don't seem to have a blank copy on my computer. But you could have a look at the examples in the magazine and draw up your own meaning boxes and arrows. Might give you some insight as to where you need to change your thinking/the meaning you give to filling kettles.  

Hi snow, thank you so much for your kind words and advice. I think this is where I’m going wrong and need to work on more, I think I’m missing something out? These have been a problem for some time now, so it’s obvious I’m not approaching it properly in some way. 

I will take a look at the road map and hopefully fill it out, it may give me a little insight to where I need to change my thinking/meaning I give to going out and filling the kettles and cooking etc, hopefully this will help me 

Thanks again as always, lostie x

[JennieWren]

It sounds tricky because so far if you've put the work in, and done the exposure you've had good results. In your shoes, I would panic and feel doubly anxious about the fact that I was still so anxious, if that makes sense? I know I struggle if the process I'm following takes an unexpected turn or isn't working out how I imagined. 

I think the way to approach this is that this panic and anxiety is a signpost to something. It could be a lack of cognitive understanding or the knock on effect of being unwell or stressful life events. I think it is worth discussing with your therapist to try and get to the bottom of it.

[JennieWren]

You can do this!!!!

[lostinme]

On 21/02/2018 at 22:12, taurean said:

I think snowbear has called it right. Unless you are working in exposure towards challenging the validity of the intrusions, then they will remain and the exposure work simply becomes non-avoidance and nothing more. 

Swamping you with exposure isn't the answer - and it wasn't for me ; I refused to do it when my first therapist suggested this approach ( which is known as flooding). He insisted, I refused so I terminated the therapy. 

It smacks to me of his last throw of the dice. 

I think the work needs to lie at the stage of being in the place to prepare the drinks, feeling the intrusions come calling, but believing it's just habitual (many years I believe)  to experience them, they are the results of OCD and your core belief underpinning them (I suspect it is, like mine, fear of losing control)  is just the OCD at work. 

I believe we can only disarm these horrible core beliefs and intrusions in this cognitive way before then carrying out a structured time limited set of exposures - not for me the flooding approach. We need to go into exposure feeling comfortable, and come out of it then relax. 

I don't see anything wrong with working in a structured way on the three things in this cognitive approach. 

Hi Roy, thank you as always for your kind advice. 

I think my therapist believed I was capable of doing it, because we have been working on these areas for some months now. To be honest I thought I could too, I thought the more I do it the easier it will become, sadly I had the warning signs earlier in the week and I chose to ignore them just hoping that things would improve the more I did them. Sadly it set me back. 

Starting tomorrow I’m going to take things a little easier and try to work on the cognitive thinking too, can’t help but feel I’ve let myself down as well as my therapist 

Thanks again as always, lost 

[lostinme]

On 21/02/2018 at 22:23, taurean said:

Here is a group hug

And some flowers lost

I think because the triggers have been around for many years, they are entrenched and you expect to find them, in fact maybe go looking for them. I have experienced that. 

I found it's only when we stop looking for them, and let them shrink into the background, that we start taking the emotional effect out of them - and when they lose that emotional power, they lose strength and appear less frequently and we find we can gently ease them away. 

I know this works from personal experience. 

Bless you Roy, thank you for the hugs ? and flowers ? 

I know your right, I think it’s almost automatic scanning for threats and I think this is possibly a thing I’m doing here, something I need to work on, as well as the cognitive aspect  

I know you have managed to do this, so I know it is possible  yes I’ve overcome so many hurdles getting to this stage, such as the doors, locked doors, cupboard doors, rituals and products not locked away any more. I think im scanning my surroundings as I’m making it etc. Really need to work on this 

12 hours ago, taurean said:

There is an aspect to what we do as sufferers which psychologists call "scanning for the thing you fear". It's like we have an antenna on our head, and - like radar - it's constantly on alert looking for trouble - in our case triggers. 

One element of CBT is to "swith off the scanner"  so that we accept triggers are around us, but we no longer home in on them. 

E.g. I have had difficulties with the "scanner" homing in on billboards and posters advertising films and TV programmes, deemable as of a violent nature . 

But I have been doing a lot of travel recently and those type of things have not been registering - using cognitive understanding and understanding my behavioural response I have turned off the scanner - all those things are still there, but I am not focusing in on them, as the OCD wanted me to.

I think this is the aspect of Cognitive knowledge you and the therapist need to work on lost. 

 

[lostinme]

On 21/02/2018 at 22:26, Sophie89 said:

I agree. I can't say I have ever been truly free from OCD but I remember by therapist once said to only do my rumination an hour a day and I really tried and in the end most of the things I was anxious about I no longer needed to ruminate. However I got into a compulsion of writing in my notes the thoughts that triggered me and would end up with pages full and feel overwhelmed and unable to sleep and if around my partner he would find it weird I kept going into my notes to jot things down. X

Oh bless you Sophie, it’s a terrible disorder that causes us so much heartache and pain  But hopefully one day we can all defeat this dreaded way of life and reclaim our life back. 

Thank you for your kind words of support and wishing you all the best, lost x

[Sophie89]

1 minute ago, lostinme said:

Oh bless you Sophie, it’s a terrible disorder that causes us so much heartache and pain  But hopefully one day we can all defeat this dreaded way of life and reclaim our life back. 

Thank you for your kind words of support and wishing you all the best, lost x

No worries lost. I find it easy to offer kind words and support to others and see clearly it's just their OCD. If only we could do this for ourselves ay! Hope you are feeling a little better. X 

[lostinme]

On 21/02/2018 at 22:38, Headwreck said:

I've only recently started therapy so don't really feel experienced enough to offer any suggestions but I know you will pull through this and everyone here is with you to offer both support and friendship

Bless you Headwreck, thank you so much for your kind words  It’s a great place for both support and advice and along the way we also form good friendships 

Wishing you all the best, lost 

[snowbear]

13 minutes ago, lostinme said:

can’t help but feel I’ve let myself down as well as my therapist 

Boll...  

15 minutes ago, lostinme said:

I think my therapist believed I was capable of doing it, because we have been working on these areas for some months now.

But your therapist doesn't come at these problems with your way of interpreting the danger, your way of thinking. For the therapist it's a straightforward matter of normal thinking blocked by habitual not-doing - so fixing the habit 'should' fix the problem.  

You need to share the skewed thinking behind your fears so the therapist understands it's a case of skewed thinking blocking the not doing. 

I'm not explaining myself well - time for a chocolate break to refuel my brain!)  

[lostinme]

On 21/02/2018 at 22:39, Gemma7 said:

Sorry to hear you're struggling lost, hugs from me  

I agree there is a lack of cognition in what you are doing. What are you learning from doing these exposures? Also, are you just getting through these exposures until you can go back to avoidance when they're over? I say this because that's what I do sometimes. I just get through it, but I don't learn and then put into practice what I've learnt. It's possible your anxiety remains because you're just getting by and not really learning that all your compulsions are unnecessary and that nothing bad is going to happen if you give them all up. 

Hi Gemma, thank you for your kind support as always, hope you are keeping ok 

As much as I hate to admit this, you’ve hit the nail on the head. I can’t wait to get these over and not have to do them again until tomorrow  so Ive still got alot of work I need to do here 

Thank you for opening my eyes and helping me to see this  x

[lostinme]

21 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Each of us has a limit to how much anxiety we can handle. Your therapist's job is to push you out of your comfort zone but it is possible you've been pushed too far.

I echo snowy's concern that you are exposing yourself without working on changing your thinking about your fears.

Hi PolarBear, 

I think I’ve over done things, my anxiety doesn’t seem to have had a minute to come down over the last fortnight and it got a little to much for me. I think my therapist was totally right pushing me a little further out of my comfort zone because we have worked on these for some time now and to be honest I thought I could do it, but sadly I couldn’t, it was just to much. But the good news is I can still pick up where I left off, but a little slower and work more on the way I interpret my thoughts. 

Thank you as always, for your kind advice and support, lost 

[lostinme]

16 hours ago, Skullpops said:

Hi Lost, 

So sorry to read that yesterday was so tough. I hope today is a better day for you. Sending lots of love and positive vibes your way ❤️

Bless you skullpops, thank you lm feeling in a better place again tonight. Tomorrow is a new day and a fresh start 

Hope you are feeling ok, wishing you all the best, lost

 

[taurean]

36 minutes ago, lostinme said:

Starting tomorrow I’m going to take things a little easier and try to work on the cognitive thinking too, can’t help but feel I’ve let myself down as well as my therapist 

It just doesn't seem the right approach - and I am certainly not convinced it is for OCD - but may well work with other types of anxiety issue. 

I am convinced the approach is how I did it - so the scanner takes extended leave  When we aren't anxiously looking around for the substances and triggers, they are simply there in the background awaiting use for their normal purpose - then the therapy does start to work, because after a very long time of not doing so, it started to for me.